Right, you fetid gaggle of hermaphrodites
You can stop all this talk of things going down the pan, because I'm here again.

I injured both hands doing MAN things this weekend because I am such a MAN, my Mrs has headed back off to uni, and now I'm unable to spend my evenings fwapping away like a sexually compulsive mental patient on viagra.
So I need your help; I need a device, or perhaps even a helpful b3tan to relieve the mounting pressure in my loins.

EDIT alternatively, if you could give anybody in the world necrotising fasciitis, who would it be, and why?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 11:22, 40 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'll give you free handjobs for life if you can get me pregnant.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 11:34, Reply)

Bend over and we'll let the procreation commence
My sperms are so potent that they take their own eggs with them, we'll have you up the duff in no time.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 11:36, Reply)

At least I'll have an excuse for this gut.
If I'm honest, I'm not sure I'm prepared to carry your genetic material inside me for nine months. At least usually I can get rid of it with a quick personal douche.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 11:39, Reply)

Douche?
You can suck the come out of your own anus?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 11:48, Reply)

What were you doing
and how have you injured yourself?
(Bazongaloid, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 11:37, Reply)

*pretends to care*

(Bazongaloid, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 11:38, Reply)

Oh you're so big and mean
you scare me so much that I'm going to run away and cry and tell my mum and there's nothing you can do about it.

Either that or I'll hunt you down and rape you with a gun like Gillian Anderson in that film
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 11:39, Reply)

What film?
I wouldn't mind being raped with a gun by Gillian Anderson
(Bazongaloid, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 11:43, Reply)

Straightheads
it was on 4 last night, it was shit, except for the gun rape
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 11:47, Reply)

MAN things
Both index fingers have got Disney Princess plasters on them
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 11:38, Reply)

You were using your fingers
to massage your mrs' prostate because the pair of you are too stupid to realise that she doesn't have one.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 11:39, Reply)

At least I'm not marrying a woman
simply because she's the only one in the world who'll have me.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 11:40, Reply)

I chose to stop reading at the end of the subject line
so that I can assume that you are a GAYER and can giggle and point at your GAYNESS.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 11:42, Reply)

There's nothing wrong with being a gayer
so be quiet or you'll be getting a bumming
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 11:43, Reply)

*stifles giggles*
*braces*
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 11:45, Reply)

*unzips*

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 11:48, Reply)

*Searches frantically for a pack of butter*
*can only find dairylea*
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 11:51, Reply)

Sod that, it's going in dry

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 11:55, Reply)

*Looks for something to bite down on*
*There is only dairylea*
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 11:56, Reply)

Main question:
Find a textured surface against which to rub your foetid bell-end. A piece of cork board might do it; if you can't find one or are feeling more adventurous you may wish to try the bricks on the outside of your home, the wooden walls of the shed, or a random pedestrian's tweed jacket.

Necrotising fasciitis...I don't know. I hate too many people in the world right now. But, since it's topical, I'd administer it to Chris Moyles and make him have enthusiastic and messy bumsex with Chris Evans in the hope that he would also catch it.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 11:41, Reply)

I approve of this
but not the house-shagging, that'll get me into even more scrapes.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 11:42, Reply)

Is your cock big enough
to get some good friction against the inside of the chimney?
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 11:42, Reply)

Only when he uses his penis pump

(Bazongaloid, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 11:44, Reply)

I thought he had to stop using that
after too many visits to A&E and his missus complaining that the Dyson was full of cock custard?
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 11:45, Reply)

You can't use Dysons for that
the suction's too powerful, and I've always liked to look into Henry's eyes as I blow my load anyway.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 11:46, Reply)

There is a certain, pleading look in his eyes
Like he's coaxing you on, and would reach up to tickle your prostate if he had any limbs...
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 11:47, Reply)

He has a certain playful mystery in his eyes
if he could talk I imagine he'd sound like that little blonde kid from mock the week
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 11:49, Reply)

Yeah, but Henry wouldn't have the same massive front teeth
I wouldn't want him flossing those on my banjo string.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 11:50, Reply)

I dunno
I've always imagined myself giving it to that guy dressed as a scout leader, for some reason it just feels appropriate
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 11:52, Reply)

I can imagine
giving him a mouthful as a church choir master...but I think he'd look even more frightening with a centre parting.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 11:55, Reply)

You mean frightening in a sexy way, right?

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 11:56, Reply)

Yeah,
in the same way that you like your missus to wear a clown mask when you're ploughing your mucky furrow.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 11:57, Reply)

you're ploughing her mucky furrow She's pegging you like a pirate on a sinking ship
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 11:58, Reply)

She certainly knows
how to shiver my timber.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 11:59, Reply)

She's had a lot of experience with salty brine

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 11:59, Reply)

I can imagine
with the amount she's had to shovel out of poor Henry...
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 12:01, Reply)

Even then it'd be a stretch
What about those little extractor chimneys with the jagged edges? I could file them down.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 11:45, Reply)

how about
fucking a goats nostril

or

put a cat in a wicker basket, barely bigger than it. ensure that there is a large enough hole in the wicker so you can pierce its vibrating shitbox. once established in the feline colon, jab the cat with pencils or any sharp object at hand, the resulting distress should ensure plenty of anal constriction which should quickly releive the pressure in your loins.



/de sade
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 11:51, Reply)

That's the most sensible answer to a question on OT ever.
I owe you one
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 8 Sep 2009, 11:53, Reply)

How do you wipe your arse?
?
(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Tue 8 Sep 2009, 19:15, Reply)