Still no baby
I'm occasionally shouting at him to 'GET THE FUCK OUT' in various languages (in case he doesn't understand English), but it doesn't seem to be working.

That's all really, I just felt that you should all share in my boredom. I shall update you on his non-arrival daily from now until he's born I think. That at least gives me a goal for the day.
( ascorbate, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:05, 34 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Cut it out
with a spoon. There are women in America who will do it for you, if you'd prefer.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:06, Reply)

Oh seriously...
Your baby is a nuisance.
I hope the first thing you do when he's born is tell him he's grounded.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:07, Reply)

tell him he's grounded throw him at a bus
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:08, Reply)

if he's not out by the end of next week
I'll be hacking at my own abdomen with a pointy knife I think.
however, after nearly 10 months of carrying the little sod around, and putting far more energy than I wanted to into making him grow, I think I'll maybe not throw him at a bus once he's here. But he'll be getting a stern talking to, let me tell you.
( ascorbate, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:11, Reply)

Trust me, those first few weeks are a bit of a nightmare
if you're not tempted to throw it at some point, there's something wrong with you
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:13, Reply)

yes
but there's hopefully a difference between being tempted to and actually throwing him :-)
(isn't there?)
( ascorbate, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:15, Reply)

Yep, but there's a fine line
Once, when my daughter was a couple of weeks old and wouldn't stop crying I was very tempted to 'drop' her down the stairs.

Glad I didn't now though, she's old enough to reach the kettle
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:16, Reply)

when is/was the baby do?

( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:13, Reply)

he was officially due yesterday
but in my family, babies are ALWAYS early. Trust this one to be contrary. It's his czech genes, I tell ya.
( ascorbate, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:14, Reply)

I had czech genes once
they went really well with my tartan chromosomes.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:15, Reply)

^This is an excellent joke and nobody even noticed
I'm wasted here
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:34, Reply)

I've just seen it and it's tickled me.
And yes, in a good way.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:41, Reply)

I liked it
especially since I have tartan chromosomes.
So I've stolen the joke and am going to pass it off as my own, if people laugh. If they don't, it's yours.
( ascorbate, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:19, Reply)

my family always goes past the due date and have large babies, 10 lbs, and 11 lbs were the latest
hope you pop soon!
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:18, Reply)

oh, don't say that
I've got some vests for newborn size babies, and don't think they'll fit him anymore.
largest baby in our family before now was 8 lbs apparently; mine was forecast to be 8 and a half yesterday, so he's going to be a total porker.
I'm just hoping the scan was wrong.
( ascorbate, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:21, Reply)

He's gonna make a terrible mess of your vagina

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:27, Reply)

I saw my cousin give birth. Wasn't so bad.
Until the placentaaah*barfs*
( Lisette von Falcon, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:31, Reply)

Were you frigging yourself at the time?
It does have a tendency to put one off one's stroke.

EDIT My daughter was born by caesaren, it was pretty cool watching them cut my ex open, hold back the skin flaps with metal prongs and then pull her out like a chestburster in Aliens.

In real life gore is much more messy though, evolution needs to learn a thing or two from hollywood
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:31, Reply)

I'm actually
quite interested in seeing the placenta :) not sure why.
And at the moment, I couldn't give a shit about how much my undercarriage is ruined, I just want the baby out. And an epidural.
( ascorbate, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:40, Reply)

Just make sure you take the right one home with you

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:41, Reply)

Exactly
Take the epidural home and leave the baby at the hospital.

Trust me on this one, they won't take them back down the road to trade in for newer models.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:16, Reply)

I have heard that
it seems a bit crap really - you can get a dog put down if he shits and pisses everywhere, but with babies you're expected to clean up after them for 2-3+ years, with no options to get rid of them.
I'm hoping some sort of mothering hormones kick in PDQ once he's born, otherwise he's going to be given to my moronic sister who is so broody she's started sprouting feathers.
( ascorbate, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:30, Reply)

I'm not a fan of human baby related stuff, so I'm not contributing other than to say I hope he's out soon
and be sure to update us when the mucus plug makes its appearance.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:16, Reply)

Did you see that thing about Aye-Ayes last night?
I reckon our babies would look like that
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:17, Reply)

Oddly no. I have no idea of what you're babbling about

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:21, Reply)

They're really sexy
www.bing.com/images/search?q=aye-aye&FORM=BIFD#focal=f3d9b449e5c75d2f0a296dbe4e8381c8&furl=http%3A%2F%2Fhomepage.mac.com%2Fwildlifeweb%2Fprimate%2FPrimateWeek%2FAyeAye%2FAyeAye01.jpg
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:21, Reply)

It's uncanny
as though your two faces have been blended by some sophisticated algorithm and then slapped on an upmarket lemur.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:48, Reply)

good lord
I've never heard a more accurate description of anything
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:50, Reply)

I was quietly pleased with it

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:35, Reply)

I was two weeks late
and came out just under 10lbs.

My mother is not a large women. Poor her!
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 15:50, Reply)

Try
a dyson applied to the nethers
(Halfy By light alone, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:08, Reply)

my sister
has suggested a hoover or that I should stand over a fire with my legs apart to try and smoke him out. I think she's confusing 'baby' with 'bee'
( ascorbate, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:31, Reply)

A friend of mine
went to the doc for her final checkup before she was going in for a C-section.
The doc took one look and called an ambulance. She was 4cm dilated, no labor pains at all. Even at 7cm, no labor pains. Lucky bitch.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Mon 21 Sep 2009, 16:26, Reply)

Apparently pig sperm is used to induce babies.
So get yourself down the local petting zoo. Just take some alcohol gel and a turkey baster, and you will be right as rain.
( @RBFesquire Good luck b3ta, was nice knowing you. So long., Mon 21 Sep 2009, 18:18, Reply)