Stalky & Co
I've recently been seeing the mad mother of my little girl once again.

I'm fucking not now.

It has come to my attention that when I lent her my keys the other day to do some washing (her machine is *apparently* broken) not only did she try to get into my laptop but she went through my shredder and has pieced together my last mobile bill. Creepy or what?

There's a backstory too. When I was first seeing her she

a) took a secret extra copy of my doorkey
b) accessed my mobile records by ringing up with my password
c) accessed my Myspace (I know, I know) email history

When I lent her the keys last week i made her promise not to go snooping and she had the temerity to act outraged at the idea.

How fucking scary is all this? My blood is chilled....
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 15:20, 57 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Crazy person acting crazy you say?
What a suprise.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 15:22, Reply)

I know
What is truly cretinous about the whole story is that I was genuinely surprised. How fucking dim do I have to be?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 15:23, Reply)

As dim as you are, or dimmer.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 15:24, Reply)

I think
I have the dimness market cornered, here.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 15:24, Reply)

You should have just punched her in the face when you first met.

( girlinthehole, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 15:31, Reply)

Maybe you need a dimmer switch?
Hahahhahahahahahoooooohahahahahaha... yeah, that's really not that funny is it... damn.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 20 Oct 2009, 15:32, Reply)

you got that
from the Captain Midlife-Crisis (or whatever his name is) book of hilarious edgy jokes, didn't you?

You know you did. Own up.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 15:38, Reply)

*owns up*
Oh alright, you got me!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 20 Oct 2009, 15:39, Reply)

No flies on me.
I wish I could say the same about my donkey

*badum-tish*

This 'shit jokes' thing is catching...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 15:42, Reply)

Hooray
Yes, yes *rubs hands together* join the dark side!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 20 Oct 2009, 15:52, Reply)

fucking hell
(PsychoChomp, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 15:42, Reply)

You
Love it!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Tue 20 Oct 2009, 15:51, Reply)

I read that as...
"a) took a secret extra copy of my donkey"

...and wondered about stealth cloning.

Run. Run fast, run far. Or set your donkey on her.
(ThomsonsPier consumes, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 15:34, Reply)

I read it the same
it amused me
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 15:35, Reply)

me too!
oh those secret donkeys.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 15:35, Reply)

She needs
A DONKEY PUNCH

Ah said...a DONKEY..oh never mind
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 15:37, Reply)

what did she hope
to achieve by piecing the phone bill together? i mean, if you are both free agents then surely your mobile phone calls are of no interest to her. obviously there is a massive back story to all this, but from what you have said, she clearly isn't over it yet. maybe there's worse to come :(
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 15:34, Reply)

to see if I'd been calling another ex,
the fucking fruitbat*. Ironically I haven't, and it's cost her any chance of us getting closer.


*not the name of the other ex
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 15:39, Reply)

next time put glass shards in your shredder

( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 15:43, Reply)

I may
install a black hole under my doormat.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 16:01, Reply)

how will you get in the door?

( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 16:02, Reply)

step over it, silly
I am very tall, so this won't be an issue.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 16:07, Reply)

Woo, I'm glad I'm tall too...in case someone tries to put a black hole under their mat
not because I'm your creepy stalker ex
*shifty eyes*
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 16:09, Reply)

Wait a minute...I recognise those shifty eyes....

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 16:11, Reply)

no.....you don't.....
*looks away*
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 16:26, Reply)

here, welcome to my flat
please do wipe your feet on the doormat, there's a dear
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 16:35, Reply)

"You stepped in dog shit"
"What? Where?"
"Outside...I saw you, you stepped right in it"
"Why didn't you say something before I stepped in it?"
"I wanted to laugh inside. Now wipe your fucking feet"
"Oh alriIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHH"
"hahaha"
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 16:45, Reply)

based on past behaviour are we safe to assume that you'll be changing the locks?
cos i most definitely would.
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Tue 20 Oct 2009, 16:01, Reply)

Christ
you're right.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 16:02, Reply)

darn tooting dude. sooner rather than later!
if you're in north cumbria i've got spare locks of all descriptions you can have.
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Tue 20 Oct 2009, 16:09, Reply)

East London but cheers
however I'm scared enough to leg it to Cumbria. I've been to Shap. Are you near there? is that even in Cumbria?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 16:15, Reply)

I'm in Carlisle, top of the M6
About 40 miles north of Shap. Is it the village of Shap you've been to? That's one godforesaken place, but the butcher there makes utterly fantastic black pudding.
So have you ever changed a lock? It's dead easy.
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Tue 20 Oct 2009, 16:54, Reply)

a) village of Shap
b) indeed, fucking bleak, stayed in family friend's holiday home. I remember Kendal being pretty.

c) no, but I've paid a fair few locksmiths in my time - I once kicked my own door in because I was desperate for a shit and roaring drunk (and had lost keys)
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 17:29, Reply)

Changing locks?
I'd be changing countries.
( girlinthehole, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 16:05, Reply)

no you wouldn't...
you would be punching her in the face!
GBH
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Tue 20 Oct 2009, 16:07, Reply)

the solution to all life's problems

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 16:09, Reply)

Well thank God
you aren't being alarmist, otherwise I might be tempted to panic.

She lives a 10min walk from my flat. I live on the ground floor.

*shits self*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 16:08, Reply)

Fool you once, shame on her
Fool you five or six times shame on YOU.

Wise words to live by, wise bewildering words...
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 16:10, Reply)

But can't you find it in your heart to
PITY DA FOOL?


ie me?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 16:13, Reply)

PITY you didnt use a condom!
nah, just messing, "There but for the grace of god go I" and all that. I sometimes come out in a cold sweat when I think about some of my ex's and what would have happened if I had knocked them up.

That and you once posted a pic of your mad ex...PHWOAR!
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 16:19, Reply)

If it weren't for heart-melting loveliness of my daughter
I would agree wholeheartedly. And she is fit as a butcher's dog (and twice as dirty)....
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 16:20, Reply)

Lets just hope she doesnt inherit her mothers insanity
Nature Vs Nurture? DAMN YOU NATURE!! *shakes fist at nature*
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 16:23, Reply)

I'm genuinely scared about this

*Omen theme tune*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 16:25, Reply)

Man, I'd be so upset I'd have to go and kick some dogs until they sicked rainbows.

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 16:29, Reply)

specifically
dogs pugs
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 16:32, Reply)

You can't upset a pug by kicking it,
They just fly off on a crinkly adventure with *put put put put* Citroen 2CV engine noises coming from their bottoms. They scream with happiness as they fly.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 16:35, Reply)

Hmm....clearly this is a theory I MUST test

( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 16:44, Reply)

You'd only miss, HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN ABOUT YOUR CO-ORDINATION ILLNESS KRISTINE?!!?

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 16:52, Reply)

I always forget :(
*falls*
( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 16:53, Reply)

Don't worry, I'LL CATCH YOU!
on the second bounce.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 16:57, Reply)

You can't bounce if you crash through

( Lisette von Falcon, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 16:59, Reply)

Then my work here isdoneWHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 17:02, Reply)

I've done that already.
It didn't help.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 16:32, Reply)

Did you have a ROUSING game of mono-twister?
and then curled in the floor sheet, like some sort of spotted piss-proof duvet?
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 16:37, Reply)

that I failed to do. How remiss of me.
That should raise the spirits no end.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 16:42, Reply)

Don't forget to do one of those shudder-cries in the dark where loads of snog hangs off your face and you try and reason with yourself but it just sounds like WABBELBLABBELBLEEE!!

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 16:54, Reply)

I'll try not to forget

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 20 Oct 2009, 17:29, Reply)