Was cooking for the missus at the weekend
and absent mindedly chatting while she sat down at my PC.

"Sexual fetishes, rubber wetsuits, knee-high boots? What's this?"

continued in replies.
( djtrialprice, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 15:44, 99 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

"Oh that, it's just b3ta. <CHCB's real name>'s getting married to this bloke <Catface's real name> and she's after honeymoon suggestions for..." and then I engaged my brain.

"You know these people then?"

"Kinda. I've met one of them. Once."

"So people just share all their private stories and you know them in real life?"

"Erm, yes."

I return to my cooking while she starts working her way through this weeks answers hearing her laugh every 30 seconds or so. After a while she asks.

"Do you post on here as well?"

She knows too much. Fellow OTers, how should I destroy her?
( djtrialprice, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 15:44, Reply)

Smother her with kittens.
It's a lovely way to go.
( girlinthehole, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 15:46, Reply)

Kill her in the face
it's the only way to be sure.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 15:46, Reply)

Surely your cooking will solve that problem?
OH YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, I WENT THERE!
(Bazongaloid, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 15:47, Reply)

Oh, alan
FAIL
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 15:47, Reply)

kick her until she sicks a rainbow.

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 15:49, Reply)

What if she turns out to be a kitten and not a pug?

(Bazongaloid, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 15:50, Reply)

Algebraic excretia

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 15:52, Reply)

That would be unpleasant
he should only kick her if she's a pug.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 15:54, Reply)

Pugs don't sick rainbow though
They just do a snuffly back flip and then do a leg jizz.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 15:56, Reply)

Fair enough
what does the best rainbow sick then?
(Bazongaloid, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 15:59, Reply)

Bungle

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:00, Reply)

75⁵⁹ x X4(Nx34A+B² ) = Kitten Shit
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 15:56, Reply)

Tell her your username is athegeordie
nothing can go wrong with this plan.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 15:50, Reply)

Reply fixing here
also, if she knows you post on b3ta, and she finds this post, she'll have to be excruciatingly thick not to work out who you are.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 15:55, Reply)

Well, she'd have to be, wouldn't she?

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 15:57, Reply)

She laughed at this weeks qotw after all.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 15:59, Reply)

I meant to be with him
you fool
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 15:59, Reply)

YES I KNOW I WAS JUST ADDING ANOTHER EXPLANATION FFS

(PsychoChomp, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:01, Reply)

No you weren't, you were trying to be funny and you failed
get the hell outta here
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:02, Reply)

just because it wasn't funny didn't mean that I totally missed your very obvious joke.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:05, Reply)

I think she may well be smarter than me
She was a cambridge uni student when I met her.
( djtrialprice, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:08, Reply)

Has she since dropped out
and discovered a love of smack?
(Bazongaloid, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:10, Reply)

no but since meeting me
she's drastically lowered her expectations from life in general

btw - I like the idea of claiming to be althegeordie
( djtrialprice, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:12, Reply)

Yeah you do
everyone would secretly like to be althegeordie.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:13, Reply)

I sometimes pretend to be you
but only because it helps ease your fiancé's guilt at having rough, dirty sex with me.
( djtrialprice, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:19, Reply)

offtopic isn't that easy to just stumble across though
unless you've been on the site a while
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:01, Reply)

True
We're a secret enclave
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:01, Reply)

it's pretty easy to find if you go through the front page link.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:03, Reply)

Only if you look at the bottom
I think we need our own link at the top, we're more popular than /talk now
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:05, Reply)

oh yeah
I thought that link just took you straight to the current question
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:07, Reply)

Only an old man would think that.
A smug old man would be even more likely to make that mistake.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:09, Reply)

the old man thing is just silly
particularly as you look older.


and smell of piss
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:10, Reply)

Yeah *looks at floor*
Sorry I sort of started that... I thought you were older than 28! Hehe

*runs*
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:14, Reply)

I'm 28 this saturday
want to come to my party?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:15, Reply)

you young bastar' ye
*shakes old man stick*
( djtrialprice, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:16, Reply)

I have an 8 year old daughter
this makes me uber-old by anybody's standards
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:18, Reply)

this is true

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:19, Reply)

That's why I find it so hard to write the next line...
I want the truth to be said
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:20, Reply)

Que?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:21, Reply)

True, by Spandau Ballet
you bum nugget
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:22, Reply)

I only know a few words of Spandau Ballet lyrics
none of them come from that song
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:24, Reply)

You should know that song
it's frickin amazing. Especially when you see them live. Like I did.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:25, Reply)

Tony Hadley
is your daddy
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:26, Reply)

I've seen Tony Hadley live
it was at a massive work party in Holland. I was utterly hammered on free booze.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:27, Reply)

and you wanked off because you thought it was a live sex show?

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:28, Reply)

no
well, not as far as I know anyway, and no one mentioned anything.

One of my ex-colleagues snogged another colleague who was married, ex-colleague's long-term boyfriend saw, which lead to some kind of complaint being filed, despite the fact that she was slutty mcslutterson when drunk and the married guy getting a bollocking.

he wasn't guiltless obviously, but it was far from entirely his fault.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:31, Reply)

I go told off for making a similar assertion yesterday
so fuck you Vipros, don't make excuses for your BASTARD man friend who was a BASTARD's BASTARD. He was fully to blame.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:33, Reply)

You won't be saying that in 15 years
when you're sticking it up your secretary
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:34, Reply)

who told you off?
it was clearly a case of takes two to tango.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:38, Reply)

Wow
it's like reading Eastenders
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:33, Reply)

Always believe in your soul
You're indestructible
indestructible
indestructible
destructible
destructible
destructible and repeat
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:25, Reply)

He's neither romantic nor new
I can see why there would be confusion.
( djtrialprice, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:22, Reply)

Is this pandering
I'm so confused!?!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:20, Reply)

Of course not
If it was pandering I'd have called you a cunt
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:21, Reply)

Ah that's right
You play a different game to the rest of the boys!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:23, Reply)

Rules of the Playground
If I wanted you I'd have punched your teeth out
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:25, Reply)

I am rather glad you
don't want me, I quite like my teeth and DiT
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:26, Reply)

*thump*

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:26, Reply)

*blocks*
Ha-Harrrr!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:31, Reply)

*hair pull*

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:32, Reply)

*kicks*
*climbs the climbing frame*
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:38, Reply)

I'll show you mine
if you show me yours
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:40, Reply)

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Nope.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:49, Reply)

that's a shame
you're missing out


both of you
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:51, Reply)

She's probably already seen mine
you all have.

It makes me gleefully happy
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:52, Reply)

I have to say
I've seen more of your cock than anyone else's, other than my own.

you should be proud
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:53, Reply)

I am, I'm fiercely proud of it

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:55, Reply)

harsh
just because I have a Beard Of Wisdom™
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:16, Reply)

I thought it was a beard of
Croissant Flake Harvesting™
( djtrialprice, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:17, Reply)

it's not quite long enough for that
so I use my belly
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:18, Reply)

Hahaha
You've trade marked it! Well done! :D
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:18, Reply)

It took me a while to find it
but then I am a thickie.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:13, Reply)

True Dat.

(Bazongaloid, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:14, Reply)

Moar panderer

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:15, Reply)

My my what delightful
facial hair you do have!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:19, Reply)

all the better to beard you with
....hmmm
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:21, Reply)

Hahahahahahaha
Brilliant, just brilliant!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:22, Reply)

*trigger fingers*

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:26, Reply)

Hehehe
Run, Al will get you!!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:32, Reply)

if I run he'll just get on his gay bike and chase me down
I'm better off here.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:32, Reply)

Hehe
I haven't seen his gay bike... why is it gay!?
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:38, Reply)

No saddle

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:39, Reply)

and it's pink
with a basket and fairies on it.

actually, those would make it less gay
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:40, Reply)

Look at my profile
It's not gay. It's awesome.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:41, Reply)

Eurgh!
It's a racer! What's wrong with you? It's not the 80s anymore, al
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:42, Reply)

Its not gay, nor is it pink
For some reason I didn't have you pegged as a racer bike sort of guy!?
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:52, Reply)

All my friends know I post on b3ta, most know my username,
they don't bother reading what I write though.
DO YOU? YOU'RE ALL A BUNCH OF CUNTS
(PsychoChomp, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 15:56, Reply)

It doesn't matter if your mates read your posts or not.
You're hardly controversial.
( girlinthehole, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:00, Reply)

That's him told

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:01, Reply)

Just saying it like it is.

( girlinthehole, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:02, Reply)

Mmm-hmm, girlfriend

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:03, Reply)

Not controversial!?
Oh yeah, well I thought Griffin handled himself very well on Question Time. Right, that's my card marked right there.
( djtrialprice, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:04, Reply)

Not you ya fool, Pyschochomp.

( girlinthehole, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:06, Reply)

thread awareness
FAIL.
( djtrialprice, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:09, Reply)

Too bloody right!
It was so unfair letting all those Nig Nog Wim Wams and woofters and curry makers have a go at him for 90 minutes.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:07, Reply)

not just woofters
militant woofters
( djtrialprice, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:09, Reply)

faaackin militant woofters
with their well polished and oh so glittery guns and just fabulous bullets with big lapels and everything.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:10, Reply)

*GASP*
BAN HIM
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Mon 26 Oct 2009, 16:14, Reply)