You lot are shit
Where's al? Or someone, anyone with a sense of humour?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 13:59, 131 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

he's with ym

( Peej, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:04, Reply)

I doubt it
he doesn't like bi-peds
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:06, Reply)

I'm here

(PsychoChomp, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:06, Reply)

You'll do
Tell me a joke, Uncle Chompy
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:08, Reply)

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

(PsychoChomp, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:11, Reply)

Because it was dead

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:12, Reply)

Because it was stapled to the first monkey

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:13, Reply)

Not good enough
give yourself ten lashings
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:16, Reply)

Of Devonshire custard

*noms*
*noms*
*noms*
*noms*
*noms*
*noms*
*noms*
*noms*
*noms*
*noms*
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:17, Reply)

OH YEAH DEFFO
Cold though, I hate hot custard, it's vom
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:18, Reply)

I am not shit
How dare you tar me with the shit brush.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:08, Reply)

You are a little bit shit
even if you wipe really thoroughly, you never get it all
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:09, Reply)

I do if I use moist wipes

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:10, Reply)

Not true
I use moist wipes, but I still find skid marks in my grundies
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:11, Reply)

Totally true
They do clean you after a shit, but then you insist on sharting into your grundies all day.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:13, Reply)

Naw
I think it's because I need some kind of shit brush for my arse hair
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:13, Reply)

Clagnuts?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:18, Reply)

Nope
more like I've dunked my bum fluff in brown juice. You can get rid of the solids easily, but there's still brown in there
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:19, Reply)

Try only eating things that are the same colour as your undies.

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:22, Reply)

It's a plan
I'll give it a go and post pictures of the results
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:24, Reply)

Please do

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:26, Reply)

If you give me your phone number
I'll MMS you videos of myself on the john
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:28, Reply)

Just the tie-dyed gusset shots please

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:29, Reply)

Now
there's an offer that is unlikely to be bettered ALL afternoon
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:32, Reply)

Darn tootin'

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:35, Reply)

yeah,
but we both now that they aren't YOUR skidmarks
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:13, Reply)

Pfffft

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:15, Reply)

Do you mean wet wipes?

Or do you just like using words like moist and gusset whenever you can
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:12, Reply)

The ones I buy are actually called moist wipes.
I did almost use the word 'gusset' instead of 'grundies' though.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:14, Reply)

I'll be here for
approximately...

no, scratch that - I need to get changed into my gorgeous Artist Clothes and get myself to Hackney.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:10, Reply)

BYE!

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:12, Reply)

BYE!
I've gone now.

Have a lovely time everyone. Please try to not be too funny because it's not fair that I have to miss out on all the larks.

Ta ta.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:16, Reply)

Wanna joke? WANNA JOKE? You couldn't handle a joke.
A drunk walks in to a kebab shop and is surprised to see Father Christmas serving behind the counter.

"Santa!" he says. "What are you doing working here? Shouldn't you be up at the North Pole preparing for the big day?"

Santa Claus sighs. He's really let himself go. The red suit's got lard and chilli sauce and bits of lettuce all over it. His apron's in a mess and he just looks fed up and like he really doesn't want to be serving up kebabs for a living.

"Well," Santa says at last, "the business has gone belly up. With the recession, the credit crunch and all, the toy industry is fucked. I had to sack some of the elves, make cut backs in quality and we just lost our competitive edge. Plus we wound up the delivery side and subcontracted out to Royal Mail. But... It didn't help. The receivers came in, asset-stripped the business and we went into liquidation."

"Fucking hell," the drunk says. "I'm really sorry, it kind of takes the tradition out of Christmas in a way."

"Yeah," says Santa Claus and manages a wan smile. "Well enough of me and my woes. What can I get you?"

The drunk says, "I'll have a large Donner."

"Sorry," says Santa. "We're all out of Donner.......Will Blitzen do instead?"

Serves yoiu right, calling me shit.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:10, Reply)

Not as good as I was hoping
but it'll do, you got a click
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:13, Reply)

A horse walks into the bar

And the barman says, "why the long face"

"Because I'm a fucking horse you cunt" replied the horse
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:10, Reply)

NO
Edit this immediately
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:13, Reply)

Why?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:14, Reply)

It's the oldest joke in existence
Knock knock
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:14, Reply)

who's there?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:15, Reply)

Ja

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:16, Reply)

Ja who?

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:17, Reply)

WOW
I didn't know you were a cowboy!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:18, Reply)

Ja Stopen the fucking door
before I kick it in and stick my hairbrush up your arse
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:19, Reply)

You ruined my joke!

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:20, Reply)

I did not
I gave birth to a new one.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:21, Reply)

True
but I prefer mine, although yours has a lovely charm to it
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:21, Reply)

I prefer yours too
But mine does win on the charm front
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:22, Reply)

Whats the largest species of mouse?
A HIPPOPOTAMOUSE!!!
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:14, Reply)

Arf

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:18, Reply)

Can I tell you a knock knock joke?

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:18, Reply)

Yes please
Go for it
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:20, Reply)

Ok, you start.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:21, Reply)

My point's proven I think.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:22, Reply)

I think you've misunderstood the way knock knock jokes work

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:22, Reply)

It works better out loud :(
They say "Knock knock"
You say "Who's there"
Cue confusion for about 30 seconds.


What did the dog say when it fell over on the sandpaper?
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:27, Reply)

RUFF!

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:33, Reply)

That joke reminds me of my father :(
It's pretty much his only one.

He's half German and all he can say (EDIT: in German) is "I am a fried egg"
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:35, Reply)

Mein pimmel ist GroBe und Kurz
Translated: My penis is big and curly
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:42, Reply)

I doubt it.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:21, Reply)

Hmm.
Don't be bitchy :P
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:29, Reply)

It's only banter

(PsychoChomp, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:32, Reply)

No it's not
you just love picking on all the ladies, because you're a total man-ho
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:33, Reply)

She hasn't got a photo in her profile,
she's basically dead to me.
(PsychoChomp, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:35, Reply)

What, who, me?
I do. It's just not of my ugly face.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:36, Reply)

You're not going to get much attention talking like that.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:39, Reply)

I'm not an attentionwhore.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:40, Reply)

That's what an attentionwhore would say.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:42, Reply)

Hmm, you have a point.
But honestly, why would I whore myself out in this setting? I think everyone's reasonably intelligent and has got over the "OMG girl on the internet" thing :P
And also, Edmund is the anti-pander, and has put me off even thinking of asking for panderation.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:45, Reply)

Everyone likes a bit of attention now and again.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:50, Reply)

Maybe I'm using reverse psychology
and CAN'T BELIEVE someone is TALKING to me on the INTERNETS!

Or not.
Or maybe I'm just really bored.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:53, Reply)

lap it up I'll put you on ignore in a minute.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:05, Reply)

You're so harsh

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:12, Reply)

I know, what did I ever do to him?!

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:14, Reply)

So far you've used 'lol'
and a few too many of these '!?!', maybe that's it
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:14, Reply)

Ah.
I apologise for these appalling typographical faux-pas.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:18, Reply)

We're a whole different class of internet

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:34, Reply)

I'm not over it
*wiggly brows*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:54, Reply)

You're not over GIRLS, Bertie.
You probably have a crush on PsychoChomp.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:58, Reply)

I have a crush on everyone
It pays not to be fussy
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:00, Reply)

:(
Rather, that's how I should be. I'm too fussy for my own good.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:04, Reply)

Alcohol will solve that problem

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:11, Reply)

chevron

(PsychoChomp, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:46, Reply)

I don't have a profile pic either
Don't you love me?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:41, Reply)

YOU don't have a picture at all either!
I have a picture of myself. It's my arm. But it's still a picture. And I've had ones of my face too. You're just a blank canvas.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:46, Reply)

But I've been to bashes
so everyone knows what a lug-eared fugly cucker I am
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:52, Reply)

Speaking of bashes
I'm going to the bash tonight.

My second ^_^
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:54, Reply)

Lucky you
tell Enzyme I said 'wooga-wooga wooga, oi oi oi' and punch him in the tits from me. He'll know what it means.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:55, Reply)

I discovered someone on my course is a b3tan
- and a links whore - so I informed him of the THREATS made against our pet Professor.

He lol'd.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:57, Reply)

*forehead slap*

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:03, Reply)

No, he's a bitch.
As in, has breasts and everything.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:35, Reply)

I know, sweetheart.
www.b3ta.com/talk/6531120
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:34, Reply)

How about this one?
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:21, Reply)

Groan

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:22, Reply)

Knock Knock.

(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:23, Reply)

Who's there?

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:23, Reply)

Little old lady.

(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:23, Reply)

little old lady who?

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:24, Reply)

Wow!!!
You can yodel :0)
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:29, Reply)

Oh! Can't believe I forgot that one!

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:32, Reply)

Good. I've come to read your meter
and kick you over then take all your valuables
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:25, Reply)

Ha!
Spot the scouser.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:36, Reply)

Check your pockets

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:39, Reply)

It's funny
Because it's true! Ah hahahahahahaha!
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:45, Reply)

I'd have made off with well more if it were me...

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:46, Reply)

A man walks in to a bar
He is an alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his family.
( Peej, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:25, Reply)

Bill Bailey...?

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:26, Reply)

Dunno
I just read it somewhere. I think its an old German joke
( Peej, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:26, Reply)

That has mutated into a /b/ meme
Except it's more like "He's an alcohol and it's destroying his family"
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:28, Reply)

A Power Ranger walks into a bar,
The bar man says "What can I get 'ya?

The Power Ranger then goes....goes...GO GO POWER RANGERS! DEE DEE DEEN! GO GO POWER RANGERS! DEE DEE DEEN! FUCKING CALLING MY DINO ZORD YOU PUMP-FUCK! DEE DEE DEE DEEEEN! combine and PEW PEW PEW DEFEATED YOUR MASSIVE MOTHER WHO WAS DESTROYING THE CITY GO GO POWER RANGERS, YOUMIGHTIMOMOMOMPOWNNIGER RANGJJJERS!

Totally got fucking barred.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:26, Reply)

Why did I laugh so much at your punch line?
This joke is bloody awful, yet the delivery was perfect
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:27, Reply)

I think you'll find it's the best joke in existance.
I was doing 'aeroplane arms' and 'propeller mouth' as I wrote it.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:31, Reply)

Consider it clicked.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:34, Reply)

I love you.

( Wicca'd Witch needs ideas for a new sig on..., Fri 13 Nov 2009, 0:31, Reply)

My two favourite knock, knock jokes
are

Doctor

and Idunnup

I am 36.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:27, Reply)

Yeah, but you've got downs.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:28, Reply)

But he gets up again
you're never going to keep him downs
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:29, Reply)

You win the internet

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:42, Reply)

Idunnup
is a classic, I totally got al with that one once, back in the good old days
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:28, Reply)

What's the fastest thing on land?

Stevie Wonder's speedboat
(raymond "three griddle pans" luxury yacht lovin' the christmas action, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:52, Reply)

this is stupid
Stevie wonder isn't allowed a speed boat because he's blackind
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 14:54, Reply)

I love this joke
so very much
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 16:00, Reply)

How do you annoy Lady GaGa?
Poker Face!!!!
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:13, Reply)

Pffft
just awful
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:13, Reply)

You!
The biggest joke ever!
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:30, Reply)

What big, long and hairy and upsets girl guides?
Brian Blessed.

Or a bigger, longer version of my penis. Perhaps amplified using some sort of lens and projected at such an angle to make it appear like a hairy, fleshy apparition of Big Ben.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:14, Reply)

What's pink, 12 inches long and makes women scream in the morning?
Cot death!
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:28, Reply)

*see every single page of
The Sick Joke QOTW
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:33, Reply)

A horse walks into a bar
the barman goes "why the long face?"

The horse goes "I've got aids."

:-----(
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:37, Reply)

that's excellent

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 6 Nov 2009, 15:59, Reply)

Hahaha

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Sat 7 Nov 2009, 9:58, Reply)

Stop me if you've heard it
except you can't coz it's the internet.

Why does George Michael have a brown nose?



He was careless with his wispa.
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Sat 7 Nov 2009, 14:37, Reply)