I'm in work.
On a saturday. Doing lots of heavy lifting a cataloguing. Does not want.

So my question for anyone that might be on these boards at the moment is: if you had to beat a reality TV "star" to death using an everyday kitchen appliance, who would you kill, and how?

I would go for Simon Cowell (an obvious choice), and would whip his brains to mush using a hand-held electric beater, entering through the ocular cavities.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Sat 21 Nov 2009, 10:52, 22 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Jordan
I would get as many like people as possible into a football stadium, lure her into the centre under the pretense that it's some kind of promotional bullshit. And we would all point and laugh at her until she dies of shame... I mean fame is what she lives off so I can see her getting pretty upset.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Sat 21 Nov 2009, 11:01, Reply)

yes, but
she's Jordan. To her, all publicity is good publicity. Even if people are laughing at her. She'd probaby get off on it. Or use the throng of people to suck their life-force out of them, thus rejuivenating herself for another 1000 years. I've been watching The Dark Crystal again
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Sat 21 Nov 2009, 11:08, Reply)

High-five for Dark Crystal
I guess you're right about Jordan. Perhaps it would be better to give her a face transplant with Mo Mowlam and send her to Iran without her boobs and without a passport so she can live the rest of her life in anonymity. Probably make her go all suicide-bomby
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Sat 21 Nov 2009, 11:23, Reply)

hah!
Actually, surely just send her to Iran as she is? She'd get lynched in the airport arrivals lounge.

Yep, Dark Crystal last night, I think I'm going to watch either El Topo or the Jean de Florette/Manon des Sources double whammy tonight. Or finish off Ratchet and Clank. Flatmates/boyfriend away all weekend, so I have to amuse myself somehow!
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Sat 21 Nov 2009, 11:39, Reply)

Sacha Baron Cohen, without a doubt.
After having watched a few minutes of "Bruno" I had the overpowering urge to clamp his face into a waffle iron and put his testicles into a coffee grinder. For good measure I think I might cut out his heart with a spoon.

"Why a spoon, cousin? Why not an axe or something?"

"Because a spoon is dull and would hurt more, you twit!"

I think I need to watch that movie again soon, just for Alan Rickman.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Sat 21 Nov 2009, 12:03, Reply)

I haven't seen Bruno
so can't comment. I quite liked Borat though, especially when he used to do short sketches with the character (much like the early appearance of Ali G was quite amusing, but then it got overdone).

I *heart* Alan Rickman, in just about every film he's done. Even when he's got dodgy facial hair.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Sat 21 Nov 2009, 12:10, Reply)

Never saw Borat
but "Bruno" was enough to make me want to smash his face. Even my son and his friends couldn't watch the entire thing.

Alan Rickman... he's always ace. In "Dogma" as the Metatron he was hilarious, in "Die Hard" he was a perfect villain, in "Bottle Shock" he was the perfect ineffectual wine snob... but in "Robin Hood" he was so over the top that he made up for the crapness of the rest of the film.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Sat 21 Nov 2009, 12:32, Reply)

he knows his stuff.
Indecently, are you suffering for your art?
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Sat 21 Nov 2009, 12:35, Reply)

Quite.
I've only sold one piece so far, so apparently I'm not going to get wealthy off of any of it. On the other hand, I've found a source for old traffic light lenses, so I've got tons of deep red and amber glass, and a load of the beautiful peacock blue that they use in the green lenses.

Also I've gotten hold of a Fresnel lens the size of a TV screen, which I've found can focus enough sunlight to make a pile of leaves burst into flame. Bwaahaahaahaahaa.........
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Sat 21 Nov 2009, 12:57, Reply)

sounds fun,
keep up the good work.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Sat 21 Nov 2009, 13:14, Reply)

He is a top bloke,
when he is not being one of his "characters"
Rather intelligent and quite freindly.
(The Ear-Trumpet Addicting is NOT a word., Sat 21 Nov 2009, 22:34, Reply)

I would
Learn the dark arts so I could raise Jade Goody from the grave.

Then I would systematically kill her to death over and over again with every kitchen implement available. I'd shove icing up her nostrils using an icing bag, and stuff kitchen roll down her throat so she couldn't breathe. Then I'd resurrect her and beat her to death by slamming her head in the oven door repeatedly.

And probably several others.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Sat 21 Nov 2009, 13:26, Reply)

now this I like! You'd need plenty of icing though, I suspect, as if you squirted it up her nostrils it would just go into filling the vast empty space of her cranium.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Sat 21 Nov 2009, 14:40, Reply)

all of them
using only a chopstick.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Sat 21 Nov 2009, 15:55, Reply)

Chopstick would take too long.
Kebab skewer all the way!
( Maladicta, Sat 21 Nov 2009, 18:01, Reply)

a hot one, so it makes a nice sizzling on the way in?
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Sat 21 Nov 2009, 18:04, Reply)

and yes, I'm still at work. FFS.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Sat 21 Nov 2009, 18:04, Reply)

but its gone six!

( willenium Fist bump for verification, Sat 21 Nov 2009, 18:08, Reply)

yes :(
I left about 6.30 in the end. Was seriously considering going in again today, but for some reason I completely accidentally (not at all deliberate, honest guv) forgot to set my alarm.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Sun 22 Nov 2009, 11:31, Reply)

Abso-fucking-lutely.

( Maladicta, Sat 21 Nov 2009, 18:16, Reply)

bam!
eye-kebab
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Sat 21 Nov 2009, 18:14, Reply)

Gordon Ramsay
Instead of me beating him, I'd make him watch hours of out-takes of him screaming, ranting, and raving at students in various kitchens until he can't take it anymore and sticks his head into a deep fat fryer.
(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Sat 21 Nov 2009, 20:15, Reply)