Death Threats
Last night I had a call from a friend Chris, who'd just received a couple of texts from our mutual friend, a gold-toothed rudeboy from the neighbourhood called Dave. Dave is actually a lovely chap, when we three get together, the banter is excellent, much fun is had.

So Chris was somewhat perturbed to receive a text effectively threatening to kill him by burning his house down, and how Dave's 'boys' were watching him. The next one told him he had until Christmas to relocate, or die.

Obviously this was a little bit upsetting to Chris, so he called Dave and was met with a cheery 'oh, sorry mate! They were meant for someone else - sorry about that!'

Makes you wonder about the secret lives of people you think you know, eh?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 10:00, 39 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

My GF got a voicemail death threat incorrectly once

Was a little bit weird to say the least
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 10:03, Reply)

Haha
I'm going to try that..
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 10:03, Reply)

Superb
I love the 'cheery' response, as if he had just put 2 sugars in his tea instead of one.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 10:05, Reply)

He was laughing, apparently,
like a 'what AM I like?' kind of thing.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 10:07, Reply)

haha
that's fucked up
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 10:06, Reply)

You crazy east-end types, go on, 'ave a knees-up an' forget abaht it
'ava a banana!

Morning Monty.

i'm from the westcountry, feel free to call me an inbred yokel
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 10:15, Reply)

Good morning old chap
I'm from Hampshire originally - my horror at this tale betrays my 'fish-out-of-water' status amongst the local villains...

You carrot-crunching milkmaid, you.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 10:18, Reply)

Ha! "Carrot Cruncher", I love that term
I suppose it's better to be mates with the crooks, better the devil you know and all that. Just dont fall out with them.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 10:24, Reply)

*narrows eyes*
whereabouts in the west country?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 10:25, Reply)

*also narrows eyes*
North Somerset. 17 miles south of Bristol, 12 miles east of Weston-Super-Mare.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 10:27, Reply)

ah right
the rubbish bit ;-)
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 10:38, Reply)

hahaha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 10:41, Reply)

Fuckin' 'ell
it's like a fuckin' Wurzels convention in 'ere, innit?

*plays spoons*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 10:30, Reply)

Hey...I dont even like cider (gives me a cracking hangover)
"oive got a brand new comboine'arvester"
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 10:34, Reply)

Can people from Bristol itself join in the tractor driving?
GTA:Bristol. Get pissed-up on a Friday night, nick a tractor and throw up in a country lane just outside Flax Bourton.

(Caveat: I hate video games so don't try and talk to me about them.)
(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Fri 4 Dec 2009, 11:14, Reply)

you can steal tractors in GTA San Andreas
and combine harvesters
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 11:31, Reply)

Completed that for the third time last week.
I'm so fucking cool.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 11:42, Reply)

I've only completed it twice
I feel like less of a man
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 11:43, Reply)

I couldn't even tell you how to plug the fucker in
I'm so 'older than about 15'

*legs it*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 12:01, Reply)

I got a death threat once
from a former flatmate. sadly it was meant for me.
( ascorbate, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 10:27, Reply)

You hadn't drunkenly eaten their sausages in the middle of the night, had you?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 10:32, Reply)

Is that a euphemism?

( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 11:15, Reply)

If you want it to be, then yes.
Otherwise, no.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 11:33, Reply)

nope
I'd asked him to pay for bog roll after he'd been living there for 6 months without contributing money for anything. that's the risk of sharing with someone from fife though.
( ascorbate, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 11:37, Reply)

I was watching some tv last night
and it revealed to me that the reason the Scots are miserable and tight is because they lose 160 million bottles of whisky a year (I think it was a year) to absorption into the barrels and evaporation.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 11:40, Reply)

that's a heartbreaking statistic
I love whisky, me.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 12:00, Reply)

Just reminded me -
the only voicemail I ever received on my mobile was (I hope) a wrong number. A few seconds of silence followed by a young woman telling me - with some malice - to "fuck off." A little unexpected, to say the least.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 10:37, Reply)

Sorry. That was me - I got my mum to do it.
I thought you'd think it was funny.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 10:42, Reply)

Well I didn't.
Waving your willy in my window would have been funny. I'm scared enough of voicemail as it is without people filling it with abuse.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 10:43, Reply)

There's nothing funny about my willy, I can assure you.
If I waved it in your window you'd probably think there was an eclipse.

Or something.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 10:46, Reply)

Surely it would be more like an eclipse
if you mooned me?

BADUM TSSSCH!
Ah, I'm on fire this morning...
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 10:49, Reply)

*sides actually split open*
We're like a latter day Morcambe and Wise aren't we

BAGSY BE MORECAMBE
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 10:52, Reply)

Ooh, that looks painful.
Let me wave my willy at you to take your mind off the imminent spilling of your innards.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 10:53, Reply)

Ahhh, much better, thanks

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 11:01, Reply)

laughter is the best medicine...

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 11:03, Reply)

...except for a hernia

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 11:12, Reply)

Why do people make threats?
If you're really going to do something bad you wouldn't tell anyone about it.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 12:01, Reply)

Two possible reasons
1. You're hoping not to have to carry it out and thus get your desired result without resorting to actual violence or
2. You're retarded.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 12:02, Reply)

Stay off the crack doood

(raymond "three griddle pans" luxury yacht lovin' the christmas action, Fri 4 Dec 2009, 13:04, Reply)