Gosh I feel like a plank.
For days now I've been doing battle with the xpelair fan in my bathroom as it was, (I mistakingly thought), making a loud intermittent whining noise. I've hoovered it to clear the crap out of it, sprayed it with WD40 and generally faffed about but the noise still remained. Last night I took off the front again, disconnected the wiring and still I could hear whining.

I stuck my ear to the bloody thing and realised the noise wasn't coming from there but the toilet cistern underneath.

I've lost the screws to the front fan cover because I thought I'd be getting a new one and I can't remember where the wires go to get the thing up and running again.

Doh!

Oh and the question is, how should I punish myself for being a dopey cow?
( girlinthehole, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 8:38, 68 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Ooops!
Although I did laugh - sorry!
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 8:41, Reply)

At least it wasn't that giant mutant wasp...
Get a man in to fix it.
Say your little brother did it then ran away.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 8:43, Reply)

I'll try and figure out the wiring at the weekend.
Or I'll get my dad in to fix it.

Then I have to sort out my ballcock.
( girlinthehole, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 8:47, Reply)

Ooh I fixed my ballcock once
It was totally fucked but I got a little longer out of it.
Yeah get your dad. If all else fails I call my little Dad who turns up like Bob the Builder (actual size).
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 8:53, Reply)

Haha! You're an idiot!
Welcome to the club. I did the same thing with my xpelair once. Same chugging little whiney noise no matter what I did. Used the WD, etc etc, until I finally worked out that there were roadworks up the street a bit and they were using a generator It was the sound of that coming through the vent.

You're never alone in 'specialness', no matter what you think.
(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Tue 8 Dec 2009, 8:48, Reply)

That does makes me feel better.

( girlinthehole, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 8:52, Reply)

Yeah, reading that you'd done it too
made me feel retroactively less of a knob. At last, I can feel cleansed.
(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Tue 8 Dec 2009, 8:53, Reply)

Put some leather underwear on
whip your buttocks until they go pink and then lie back and think of PsychoChomp.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 8:51, Reply)

I said punishment, not fun.

( girlinthehole, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 8:53, Reply)

Have you thought about writing for a living?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 8:53, Reply)

What makes you think I don't?

(Bazongaloid, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 8:59, Reply)

But seriously
when would I find the time to write what with all those fantastic pictures I have to make.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:01, Reply)

You could combine the two
Very graphic novels, anybody?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:06, Reply)

I'll call my first book: The Adventures of Roota - When Good Deli Counters go Bad.

(Bazongaloid, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:17, Reply)

Ooh
The tales my slotted spoon could tell...
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:22, Reply)

Haha!

( girlinthehole, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:23, Reply)

I'm so glad I realised that my Xpelair WASN'T barking just like next door's dog that time
Could have been embarrassing and expensive.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 8:54, Reply)

There was this one time I thought my Xplair
was making a noise like Fern Cotton, but it turned out to be my radio instead.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:00, Reply)

Bet you feel daft now!

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:07, Reply)

God that reminds me of the time
I thought my Xpelair was telling me a heart-rending tale of disaster upon disaster, and then it sang me 'Save Your Love' by Renee and Renata.

Turns out it was Simon Bates' 'Our Tune' coming from a nearby radiogram! How embarrassing!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:08, Reply)

Or the time my parents' Xpelair suddenly shouted
"That's it you drunken bitch, if you don't stop hiding your Bacardi in the vegetable rack, you're fucking out of here. A child needs a mother and a man needs a wife!!"

How I laughed when I realised it was coming from my parents' bedroom!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:11, Reply)

This is my favourite so far

(Bazongaloid, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:13, Reply)

or the OTHER time I was convinced my Xpelair
was making strangled gurgling noises followed by wet, splattery sounds.

I was CONVINCED it was broken when all along I was having a rectal prolapse! I'm SUCH a ninny!!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:13, Reply)

Once, I was SURE
my xpelair was making the sounds of thousands of marching jack-boots followed by the shrill voice of a man denouncing the Jews and saying that the German people needed room to expand to combat the growing forces of Bolshivism that threatened the purity of the Aryan race. Turns out it was the Nuremburg rally!
(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:23, Reply)

oh YOU!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 10:02, Reply)

Then there was the time I thought my Xplair was having very loud sex
but it turned out I was just wanking really hard in the next room.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:12, Reply)

But.......but......but......
It was making a noise just like a broken xpelair would.
( girlinthehole, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:14, Reply)

*ruffles hair*
Silly BGB, but well done for trying to manage on your own.
I admire your pluck.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:16, Reply)

I have tons of pluck but not much DIY skillz.

( girlinthehole, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:20, Reply)

You mostly get by
As do I. Then we phone our dads.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:26, Reply)

Yay for dads.
Best of all the tradesmen.
( girlinthehole, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:30, Reply)

Oh come on BGB
when have we ever let the truth get in the way of making lots of horrible jokes?
(Bazongaloid, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:16, Reply)

like you think one would

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:19, Reply)

It was a high pitched whiney noise.
You don't expect a cistern to make that kind of noise.
( girlinthehole, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:22, Reply)

I don't let my expectations obscure the correct functioning of my ears
when determining the direction from which a sound is coming.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:26, Reply)

I'm old and easily disoriantated.

( girlinthehole, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:28, Reply)

I'm also paranoid
and make sure I know what is making a weird noise before I start buggering about with things :-)
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:29, Reply)

It's normally your guitar amp
but it's easy to tell just by looking at your gurning face, rather than having to abuse one's ears by listening.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:31, Reply)

it is not surprising that you have no friends

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:40, Reply)

But i've got all these lovely internet friends!?
and you of course.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:43, Reply)

they're not real
and I'm only here to watch your slow spiral into madness and self-loathing
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:53, Reply)

Oh, if it was high pitched and whiney...
It was ME!!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:26, Reply)

AAAAAAIIIIIII!!!!!!! THAS GRACE THAD IS!!!!!!!!

(Bazongaloid, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:27, Reply)

I'm really looking forward to meeting you at the weekend!

(Bazongaloid, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:31, Reply)

Bring earplugs
I'm still waiting on news of a cat-sitter :-(
And if this lurgy continues... Actually I couldn't give a toss. I'll infect the whole house with gay abandon.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:34, Reply)

It's a pretty gay house already
me and DiT do this awesome impression of a newtons cradle, but with our testicles.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:38, Reply)

I'll bring my sketch pad
Sounds beautiful.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:40, Reply)

Dunno if 'beautiful' is the right term.
Here are some previous reviews:

"OH MY GOD, MY EYES, MY BEAUTIFUL EYES!" - beckyjsbx

"WHAT THE? It's like watching four planets wrestle in a pillowcase!" - Flim Flam the Magnificent

"In all the years of human endeavour, nothing has come close to the spectacle of these two fully grown human males whacking their testicles together in perfect Newtonian Harmony" - Sir David Attenborough
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 10:16, Reply)

What the fuck is an xpelair

(PsychoChomp, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:16, Reply)

It's one of those fans that comes on when you turn on the light

(Bazongaloid, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:17, Reply)

So an extractor fan,
IT'S A PUBLIC ADDRESS SYSTEM NOT A TANNOY
(PsychoChomp, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:19, Reply)

you are an angry young man

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:20, Reply)

Smell my cheese you mother

(PsychoChomp, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:20, Reply)

But if BGB actually has an Xpelair (the brand, not just a generic extractor fan)
then there is nothing wrong with her statement.

And anyway, do you refer to your "vacuum cleaner" or do you occasionally say "I'm going to Hoover the house".
(Bazongaloid, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:23, Reply)

Yup it is an Xpelair fan.
Only the best for me and not that generic crap.
( girlinthehole, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:24, Reply)

The statement was confusing to me because I was not familiar with the brand name.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:25, Reply)

Great minds
Where are they, Al?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:25, Reply)

Up your vadge?

(Bazongaloid, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:29, Reply)

With half a pound of cubed feta

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:34, Reply)

It's got a good action
I make sure I spell Hoover with an H and my Hoover is a Hoover.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:24, Reply)

...as opposed to with a W.
The Woover - never caught on outside the Mersey region.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:25, Reply)

I meant a capital H
You cocker
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:27, Reply)

Have you got your big plate, Alan?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:22, Reply)

12" diameter, much better.

(Bazongaloid, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:23, Reply)

Cook Pass Bychochomp.

(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:25, Reply)

Gold star

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 9:27, Reply)

^ ANTI SEMITE

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 10:04, Reply)

Oh I loved him
He'd get really cross when someone pulled his stetson over his eyes, and he'd be stomping round all furious in little circles...
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 8 Dec 2009, 10:09, Reply)