Christmas decorations and all that bollocks
My girlfriend’s dad has just bought their Christmas tree and she's seriously not impressed. The reason being it's only 4 feet tall and really does look like a midget’s tree.

Now this made me think, is the size of a Christmas tree the man buys some kind of penis extension, much like buying a flash sports car? So is her dad trying to say that he actually has a very large penis and has no need for a proper sized tree?

In another fail decorations related story, my parents used to put up Christmas decorations every year with the worst drawing pins known to man! The spike used to shoot back through the top skewering their thumb like some kind of miniature whale harpoon. God knows why they didn't buy better ones.

So, let’s hear your stories of festive decoration disaster
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 13:55, 43 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

more than likely he is trying to say
that he doesn't want to spunk £20-30 on a tree that you keep in the house for a few weeks and then throw away
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 14:03, Reply)

Well thet's where you wrong
cos it's plastic. Maybe it is cos he's cheap though. Best not mention that to him, otherwise I may not be welcome round the house anymore :|
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 14:06, Reply)

I've never spunked on a tree before...
...is it good?
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 14:08, Reply)

Two years ago
One set of lights on my parents' tree stopped working.
It is my job to decorate this tree, my own tree, my auntie's tree and the big fuck-off tree in reception at work. So, there was no way I was allowing the broken lights to be removed, ruining my hard work and causing me to have to redecorate.

So I suggested we just put the new lights over the top of the old ones, working around the baubles and shit, causing minimum disruption.
"I agree", says my mum, "but why don't we just snip off the old lights in sections, so they're not sitting there doing nothing?"
"Ok" says I, and off we go snip-snip here and snip-snip there until we have a nice pile of thin twisty snakes with spines of dead bulbs.
Sorted.

Until, that is, I go to plug in the new lights and realise the old ones were STILL PLUGGED IN!! She'd left the dead lights plugged in at the wall and switched on. I could not even speak to tell her what she'd done because I was white as a sheet, all clammy and shaky, and leaning on the sofa for support. I eventually just pointed, and she ran out of the back door, through the hole in the fence to my auntie's house shouting "Don't tell your dad!"

What a mental. She's always lawnmowing electrical cables too.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 14:08, Reply)

Pffft!

(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 14:10, Reply)

Ahhhhh!
She nearly died! How she didn't get electrocuted I don't know!
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 14:14, Reply)

AND ME!!!
I was snip-snipping too! I would have been an innocent victim of her stupidity.
This is the woman who put her tongue on some hair-curling tongs to "see if they were hot enough yet".
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 14:15, Reply)

Plastic handled scissors?
Lucky bastard I've had 240v go through me before

It hurt
( Peej, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 14:20, Reply)

They WERE plastic-handled
But there was no sparking or anything on the metal bits, so we just assume the lights were very well idiot-proofed.
When my dad stuck his mains tester right into my living room lights, there were sparks everywhere, the plastic handle got all sooty and a bit of metal melted.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 14:22, Reply)

You are lucky but as they were plastic handled
and you had to cut through the shielding before you touched the metal the circuit was broken on the first cut so sparks were unlikely :)
( Peej, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 14:28, Reply)

I see
I love hearing technical things. I have no real desire to understand. I think I'd enjoy being read a TV manual.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 14:29, Reply)

Actually lauged out loud in the office then
Thank god no one was near enough to hear me
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 14:20, Reply)

Snort some coffee out of your nose as well next time
Or I'll consider myself a comedy failure
; )
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 14:23, Reply)

I was putting up decorations on my tree yesterday
when the doorbell rang and I opened it to find my cousin standing there holding a pile of presents from my aunt and uncle so I invited her in as she looked cold as she was only wearing a thin cotton dress and no tights so her legs were all exposed and I could see the goosebumps on her skin and her nipples were pointing through the material like little signs saying "stroke me althechristmasgeordie, stroke me and pinch me and lick me and then unleash your might pork sword and shoot your long streams of steaming jizz all over me" but she didn't want to come in as her dad had said if I was there alone she wasn't to let me get between her and the door so she turned around and went home and I didn't get the chance to give her our presents.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 14:17, Reply)

That story disgusts me
I can't put my finger on why.
Maybe you're a racist.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 14:18, Reply)

Look, just because I want to spunk on my cousins massive tits that doesn't make me a bigot you know.
It's the fact that I hate her afterwards for being black that makes me a bigot.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 14:20, Reply)

I hear she believes that there is some form of omnipotent deity too.

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 14:24, Reply)

In which case she deserves to have her eyeballs poked out with a stick.

(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 14:25, Reply)

Here we go again
Like I said before, I don't actually fancy my cousin, though your stories are quite entertaining and amusing and a strange, slightly sick, sort of way XD
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 14:23, Reply)

No disasters
(yet) just the good old real v plastic christmas tree debate. You can cut the tension in the air with a knife
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 14:20, Reply)

well there we were, in the kitchen
hanging up the Christmas cards on long strings around the walls. I stood up on the counter-top to be better able to reach but slipped and put my foot into the saucepan in which my mother was boiling the Boxing Day gammon.

Yeah, I stepped on the fucking wet ham, man...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 14:21, Reply)

Pffft!
Brilliant
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 14:22, Reply)

I want that to be true

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 14:24, Reply)

It's a feeble pun on the OP's name, and a complete lie, I'm sorry to say.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 14:31, Reply)

I know *sniff*

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 14:46, Reply)

Daughter
When daughter was a little over a year old and toddling around on her hind legs around Chrimble time we spent a ridiculous amount of money on a real tree (as we have every year) and brand new decorations that she and her Mum could spend a happy evening decorating the tree with enabling lots of photographs that could later be used to show her as a small person.

Once tree up we'd left her alone with the dog in the living room for less than five minutes when we came back in to see her taking the chocolate decorations off the tree and feeding a (very satisfied looking) dog.

Christmas decorations made of chocolate? FAIL.
(Medical_Male Say aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 14:23, Reply)

Did your dog die?
Chocolate is poisonous to dogs. Our dog was sensible and never ate it even when we offered it to her (this was before we found out it was poisonous, we we're complete fuckers)
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 14:24, Reply)

surely
they don't die? A neighbours dog ate three Easter eggs by accident and was fine
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 14:30, Reply)

No it wasn't
it died but they got a replacement so the kids didn't get upset. Sorry you had to find out this way.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 14:36, Reply)

it WAS fucking tasty, mind you.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 14:37, Reply)

Considering dogs will do a shit, eat the shit

vomit the shit and then eat it again I think they have stronger constitutions than we give them credit for!!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 14:53, Reply)

This one didn't

(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 14:57, Reply)

Dogs also like to eat cat shit
for some odd reason. I think it's something to do with the sort of food that cats eat.
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 14:57, Reply)

I understand
you can feed cat food to dogs, but not vice versa.

In other pet food news, dog and cat food is taste tested....by humans.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 15:00, Reply)

I wonder who they get to do that job?
Actually I wonder how well it pays? Hmmmm....
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 15:02, Reply)

Ah but they don't swallow.
Where is the fun in that?
( girlinthehole, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 15:04, Reply)

Theres a lot of ash in cat food

( Peej, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 15:05, Reply)

Nope.
Dog was fine, just with an extra-satisfied look on face.
(Medical_Male Say aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 16:25, Reply)

One Christmas a bauble fell off the tree.
My mum was horrified because she couldn't remember which branch it was originally hanging from.
( girlinthehole, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 14:53, Reply)

Oh we've all been there...
I'm far more chilled about the whole thing nowadays.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 14:56, Reply)

You still take the occasional polaroid
just in case though.
(Bazongaloid, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 14:57, Reply)

No
But I do regularly scrunch my eyes up so I can see the 'patterns' more clearly and identify any 'gaps' that may have formed while I've been watching telly.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 14 Dec 2009, 15:00, Reply)

Hehe
That sounds a bit like my mum, she won't let anyone decorate the tree, everything has its place and its all symmetrical. She wouldn't approve of my decorating... nothing matches and we have too many ornaments on the tree for her taste - bless.
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Mon 14 Dec 2009, 16:38, Reply)