Fucking noisy neighbours
I live in a semi-detached house, with a young family next door. They seem all right types. She's a nurse and the guy not only looks like a weasel, but he has about five of them, however, this is not relevant. The problem is that they regularly indulge in over the top, noisy humping. This in itself isn't that big of a problem, as i would rather hear folk make sweet love, than shout and bawl at each other. The problem is that their bedroom is right through the wall to my 13 year old sons room.

He is either packing a good 14 inches of gristle, he's putting up her dirtbox, or she is a very good actress. She squeals and ruts away with full vocal encouragement. My wife seems to be most annoyed by it, as she has heard it many more times than I. She says she is gonna put a note through their door, but my solution is to wait till their at it again, then when they conclude their moist embrace, erupt into cheering and clapping. If we can hear them, then they are sure to be able to hear us, and the resulting embarrassment will hopefully let them see the error of their ways. Or while they are it, shout encouragement through the wall "COME ON", "ATTA BOY", "HARDER", "SPUNK UP HER GASH" etc etc

The funniest time, was the first ever time i heard them. I was sitting out the back, under my gayz-bo, and they had their window open, and I heard the unmistakable noise of a lady being banged. She reaches a peak quite quickly, then silence for about5 seconds, followed by her cheering and clapping as he must ahve reached critical mass and squirted his man juice. It sounded as uf she was clapping a 2 year old who had used their potty, like a good boy. Fucking hilarious.

God only knows what my son has heard over the months, although i'm sure it may provide him with some food for thought. So, how should i deal with these copulating frig monkeys. Bearing in mind i don't want to cause any friction, but I do want them to fuck in another room, or do it a bit quieter.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 10:12, 48 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

You'll have to move I'm afraid
It's the only solution. Preferably somewhere far away and without internet access. Wales maybe.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 10:14, Reply)

If you give it some time
i'm sure their sexual activities will drop from every day to every other day, then once a week, then monthly until finally it's only on special occasions.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 10:20, Reply)

It seem to be on the increase,
and even as early as 8pm!! Have they NO shame?
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 10:26, Reply)

It's alright for some etc etc etc...
Just tell them; "I can hear you having sex". Should put him off his stroke.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 10:29, Reply)

Do the 'Atta Boy' one, but at the end of it, ask if they swing.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 10:26, Reply)

Play "Flight of the Valcorys" at full volume when they're at it.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 10:29, Reply)

Record their sessions
then play it back at full volume once the stop. Is an idea! In fact, make a happy hardcore remix.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 10:37, Reply)

Play "Flight of the Valkyries" at full volume while they're at it.

( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 10:34, Reply)

Ride of the valkyries might be even better.
Pedant not, lest ye be pedanted.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 10:40, Reply)

I was trying to get Gonz take the bait
so I could do his "drop out of uni & get a job" line. But he's too wiley for that.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 10:43, Reply)

Oh, I didn't reply because I thought you were doing a chevron.
=(
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 10:54, Reply)

Have a picture of me being adorable instead.
www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=10794209&id=532685626
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 10:55, Reply)

is that a dot.com bubble?

( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 11:18, Reply)

Hahaha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 10:44, Reply)

Perhaps flight of the concords

Might put them off by causing helpless bouts of mirth...
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 10:43, Reply)

"I'm the Hip-Hop-Oppotomas, my lyrics are bottomless"
"..."
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 10:47, Reply)

'Why? Why?
..could you be more constructive with your criticism?'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 10:48, Reply)

IMO, It's one of the few shows that work better on tv than on the radio
the humour was too dry on the radio, visuals made it better.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 10:51, Reply)

I missed them on the radio.
I think not having a radio may have contributed to this. Brilliant show I thought - it's extremely rare for me to be so into a TV programme that I am counting down the days until the next episode.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 11:05, Reply)

Order a ball gag online to be delivered to their address.

(PsychoChomp, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 10:30, Reply)

How embarrassing.
And I thought I had problems with the 'shit, middle of the road house at 6:30am' foreign students upstairs. They appeared to only have one mix-CD. I've dealt with it simply by singing along at the top of my voice whenever I hear the song I recognise. It's worked, if you're interested.

When I say 'worked', they've now got a new CD.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 10:36, Reply)

Bowie or U2

(Halfy By light alone, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 10:45, Reply)

I think you'd have seen me on the news by now if that were the case

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 10:46, Reply)

News Just In
A well spoken man today went on a murderous rampage fueled by the music of the famous rock band "U2" played loudly from a nearby house.

Asked to justify his actions the man mearly stated that "One should not be forced to listen to that cunt"
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 10:51, Reply)

'He was released without charge'.




PS there are two spelling mistakes in your post. Are you baiting me?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 11:00, Reply)

Is it working?
*wagles eybrows*
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 11:06, Reply)

I am the very picture of serenity.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 11:06, Reply)

I have been giving a friend a lift to work
by process of elimination he:

Hates Lard
Hates Carcass
Hates Strapping Young Lad
Tolerates Down
Tolerates Therapy?
(Halfy By light alone, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 10:52, Reply)

Sounds like it's time for the patented
'Monty Boyce Extreme Noise Terror test'


They were a great band, ENT.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 11:01, Reply)

On holiday in Gran Canaria
I used Lou Reed's Metal Machine Music as a sonic cosh on a group of noisy nazi's next door. After 10 minutes it was doing MY head in, but i stuck it out.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 11:13, Reply)

I love you dearly
...but what kind of nutcase takes Metal Machine Music to listen to on holiday??
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 11:31, Reply)

Hahaha
It was bolted onto a VU compilation I had, and to be honest I took it specifically for the purpose of using as a potential sonic weapon. Luckily enough, I got the opportunity to use it.

It is fucking BRUTAL though, haven't listened to it since.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 11:35, Reply)

Fight fire with fire
I recommend playing suitable music that will be heard and put them off their stroke.

1: Everybody hurts, REM.
2: Theme from Postman Pat.
3: The frog Chorus, Paul McCartney.
4. Anything from the Magic Flute, by that Mozart geezer.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 11:11, Reply)

what about 'Relax'?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 11:19, Reply)

Butthole Surfers - 'Cunts'
A song for all seasons
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 11:22, Reply)

Too much beat
The music must not have a "pumping" beat.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 11:23, Reply)

How about that
bonkers song. There is no beat at all to that from what I can tell
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 11:25, Reply)

Bolero

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 11:26, Reply)

Good,
but it builds up to a climax.

which rather defeats the object. Unless you play it twice, or stop it just before it gets interesting.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 11:47, Reply)

Play the Dead Kennedys
Too drunk to fuck
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 11:33, Reply)

I'm so ignorant (and old)
I wish I knew this track. I'll see if its on Utube.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 11:43, Reply)

Or any song about a relative.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KJGJRd8pGE
( girlinthehole, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 11:27, Reply)

Perfect
Or, there is no one quite like grandma.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 18 Jan 2010, 11:45, Reply)

Simply
Put this link news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/wear/8413974.stm on a post it or note and put it through their letterbox. Curiosity will get the better of them and then they will be put off. Quite a lot.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 18 Jan 2010, 12:36, Reply)