My mum used to put Tonka trucks up my bum
and hit me til I liked it.

Very sorry for your loss and all that, but did you know you can actually catch AIDs off a Parakeet?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 May 2010, 19:45, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Your mum still does that to me.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 26 May 2010, 19:46, Reply)

However much she's paying you
It'll never be enough to take the memories away.

Pssst, you're supposed to feed me the line 'really?' so I can give the punchline, 'no, but I've heard you can get it from a cockatoo'
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 May 2010, 19:49, Reply)

Lol

( girlinthehole, Wed 26 May 2010, 19:50, Reply)

B-G-B
Easy as 1-2-3,
B-G-B,
Easy as do-re-me
B-G-B,
Baby give me one more chance...
Darlin' I was blind to let you go

I may have confused two different songs here
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 May 2010, 19:55, Reply)

Really?

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 26 May 2010, 19:52, Reply)

Yes
Monty's sister just uses the black gang rape as a cover for her secret exotic bird fetish.

Fuck's sake, that'll be me banned again, why can't I just shut up, eh?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 May 2010, 19:58, Reply)

*shakes head*

( girlinthehole, Wed 26 May 2010, 19:59, Reply)

Do you know what the worst thing is?
I actually have a great deal of respect for Monty, and although I've never spoken to her, his sister too. I could never even possibly begin to imagine the sheer horror of what the poor woman's been through, and I genuinely feel for her.
Yesterday when I joked about taking her out I was actually being serious, but because I'm such a massive dickhead it came across like I was taking the piss.

Why would I want to meet her? Because I am such an enormous tool, and incredulous plank that I believe meeting someone who I'm sure must have an extraordinarily good nature, and who has been, and is still going through a terrible ordeal, would be just the reality-checking kick up the backside that a total arsehole like me needs.
So apologies again, Monty. I mean no offence but I say incredibly inappropriate things because it's how I deal with anything I don't understand. I'll gladly provide you with my home address if you'd like to give me a good battering
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 May 2010, 20:08, Reply)

Does that offer stand for when you were mean about that collie last year?

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 26 May 2010, 20:10, Reply)

I've already offered it to you
If you take me up on it I will genuinely allow you to tear my bollocks off with a laminated Carr's table biscuit
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 May 2010, 20:12, Reply)

Form an orderly queue behind the Ritz crackers.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 26 May 2010, 20:14, Reply)

Ritz are too small and crumbly
That's why I went for the sturdier Carr's water biscuit
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 May 2010, 20:23, Reply)

I prefer a scalpel, but it's your choice

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 26 May 2010, 20:16, Reply)

Oh man you just can't help yourself can you?

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 26 May 2010, 20:07, Reply)

I can, but I choose not to
Because I'm an arsehole
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 May 2010, 20:09, Reply)

Well duh!

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 26 May 2010, 20:17, Reply)

Oh, Bert...
:(
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 26 May 2010, 20:17, Reply)

Someday
I might be able to get Monty to laugh about it, maybe only for one shocked, disgusted moment, and he'll hate me for it, but it won't stop me trying. -and he can always put me on ignore
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 May 2010, 20:21, Reply)

The trouble is that we'll all end up putting you on ignore.
Abstract concepts of rape are tolerable but not when it's close to home.
( girlinthehole, Wed 26 May 2010, 20:23, Reply)

You say that like it's a bad thing?
I just noticed your edit, so it's ok to joke about rape as long as it isn't somebody you know?

Throughout my life, any time that something bad has happened to me or somebody I care about, I make the most inappropriate jokes about it possible.
It's bad taste, but you'd be surprised how often it has paid off. I won't make any excuses, I've apologised to Monty and will continue doing as I please until somebody stops me
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 May 2010, 20:24, Reply)

I pretty much only haven't put you on ignore because you used to make me laugh.
These past two times you've been back it's the same horrible cycle of self-destruction and attention-seeking. I still hold out some hope that maybe, just maybe, you'll be funny again.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 26 May 2010, 20:30, Reply)

It's not attention-seeking anymore
I have no reason to be here. I'm not likely to ever be funny so you're best off just clicking ignore now.

As for self-destruction, hell yeah! That's what I'm all about, baby
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 May 2010, 20:39, Reply)

If you have no reason to be here, why'd you come back?

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 26 May 2010, 20:41, Reply)

Somebody asked me too as they were pining for 'the good ol' days'
Plus I wanted to try and reach out to people again, see if my humanity would re-surface
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 May 2010, 20:47, Reply)

A genuine apology is offered, I know I'm not helping.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 26 May 2010, 20:50, Reply)

Eh?
You're alright, Noel.
I'm out of order and you're correct about me not being funny. I'd leave again now, but something's keeping me here, I just don't know what
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 May 2010, 20:58, Reply)

That would be me.
I've seen the way you look at me.

Or it could be that squint you have.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 26 May 2010, 21:03, Reply)

You're a sexual tyrannosaurus
I'd tear you apart like a woolly mammoth in a Zorb
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 May 2010, 21:18, Reply)

I'm more like a slagosaurus

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 26 May 2010, 21:20, Reply)

I had a saggysaurarse once
It's what happens when you curry a bag of fridge magnets and eat it whole
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 May 2010, 21:26, Reply)

Sorry Bert, but you are funny
But more than that, you're a breath of fresh air.

In a slightly fetid sort of way.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 26 May 2010, 21:15, Reply)

Oh, you dick
Why'd you have to ruin the internet for everyone?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 May 2010, 21:28, Reply)

Because I can

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Wed 26 May 2010, 21:31, Reply)

If that's your criteria then why are you here Noel?
Genuine question
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 26 May 2010, 20:44, Reply)

That's my criteria for Bert.
I'm here because I enjoy this place. I'm not sure I really understand the question.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 26 May 2010, 20:49, Reply)

So only Bert has to be funny then. That's ok then.

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 26 May 2010, 20:55, Reply)

Ha!
That almost sounded like you were defending me, Becks.

The fact is that OT is more of a chatroom than a humour forum on a sick joke website, not that I'm complaining, but you know... I'm sure I had a point a minute ago, but I lost it
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 May 2010, 21:01, Reply)

NEVER
At least there's no more cunting HSH. That was a major sticking point for me on here
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 26 May 2010, 21:07, Reply)

That was a major sticking point for me on here
even though I was a prime instigator... in the good old days, of course.

Go on, admit it, you miss the days of cakes and internet tea. Go on go on go on!
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 26 May 2010, 21:09, Reply)

Get fucked Northern Monkey
We'll have none of that sort of shite thank you.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 26 May 2010, 21:11, Reply)

Tea?

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 26 May 2010, 21:12, Reply)

fucker

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 26 May 2010, 21:19, Reply)

Ooh, grouchy.
I'm looking forward to seeing you again in October though.

*pimps bash yet again*
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 26 May 2010, 21:20, Reply)

Hurrah for bash pimping
I think it's the only one I'm going to this year other than the wedding
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 26 May 2010, 21:24, Reply)

I am honoured and humbled :)

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 26 May 2010, 21:42, Reply)

I love that after weeks of me fighting it
You came along and wiped HSH threads out while hardly trying, but if you look at the first few pages of OT, who was it starting all the HSH threads.....?

Hypocrisy, thy name is Becky! You're awesome, you are
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 26 May 2010, 21:22, Reply)

I know I am
But they were good and interesting then though. Not when they continued waaaaaaaaaaay too long though
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 26 May 2010, 21:23, Reply)

Only if you bugger the parakeet.
And personally, I don't have any part of my anatomy that's that small.

Here, have a Matchbox car in memoriam.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 26 May 2010, 19:50, Reply)