Twat-B-Gone
I occasionally get a silly idea in my head then figure out a way to make it happen. So here's another one.

Sometimes people get pestered in bars and clubs for their contact details. Frequently, the pest won't go away until you've given them your mobile number or email address. You could, of course, just give them a false number or a bollox e-mail address but now you can give them one of mine.

Send any message to [email protected] and my servers will send your pest a nice message. Just replace XXXX with the name of your own choosing....

But just hope that your pest doesn't have a e-mail capable phone....

Cheers

Edit: Service name provided by Colonel Dracula
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 10:13, 20 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

See now I want to send an email to that address!
Does the reply involve horses?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 10:16, Reply)

No
but frogs get a mention
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 10:21, Reply)

I want to experiment with this by sending my own name
but I get the feeling it'll be safer to do while at home rather than sat on a work machine.

I'll let someone else go first I reckon.
(Pirate Monkey is not the goddamn Batman, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 10:16, Reply)

I Wouldn't
recommend using work email but any webmail system and you should be fine. Reply is a little bit sweary

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 10:23, Reply)

little bit sweary, or Tourettes sweary?

( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 10:23, Reply)

Just A Little

( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 10:29, Reply)

Is the reply just "cheers" copied and pasted 600 times?

(PsychoChomp, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 10:23, Reply)

Oh yeah, this happens to me all the time
being QOTW's official best poster has made me an absolute fanny magnet, and we all know that all the hot females in this place be getting hit on all the time, because they're definitely not all toothless, chubby husks of flesh with elephantine faces, oh no.

I think you may not be getting your target audience with this post, Legless
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 10:24, Reply)

Gay men hit on me far to much.
Last time was when I was having a piss.
(PsychoChomp, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 10:25, Reply)

But gay men don't like women by definition
Are you sure they weren't just complimenting you on your new handbag?
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 10:27, Reply)

they probably wanted her to be their fag hag

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 11:07, Reply)

That's because you're an irresistible bear
and from now on I'm going to call you Yogi
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 10:27, Reply)

Well he is smarter than the average bear.

( girlinthehole, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 10:28, Reply)

Maybe he wouldn't have got the wrong impression
if you'd used the urinal rather than his face
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 10:29, Reply)

When you've got to go you've got to go.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 10:34, Reply)

Possibly the only feasible excuse
when begging for your old job back after you left a 'leaving present' on your boss' desk.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 10:36, Reply)

What is this pestered in bars and clubs you talk off?

( girlinthehole, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 10:24, Reply)

Used

To happen to me all the time. I'd get these big, hairy arsed blokes saying

"You again!! I thought I told you to piss off and never come back the last time I chucked you out....."

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 10:30, Reply)

A few weeks ago
I was pestered by some old bloke who was pissed out of his skull and claimed to be Jools Holland's older brother. This was down at a blues jam and he either danced (badly) to the music or muttered stuff at me that I couldn't understand. Then just before I was called up onto the stage he said to me,
"If you're good...I'll hire you."
Before muttering something unintelligible about Paul McCartney as I nodded politely, took my beer and wandered gratefully toward the stage and away from him. Fortunately he was badgering someone else when I finished and we've not seen him since.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 10:34, Reply)

As I was walking to the pub the other day
An old man in a suit was in front of me. He kept looking around and if he thought I was too close he would run (I use the word loosly) a few paces forward.

The we got to a park and he hid behind a tree. Then I saw him a few minutes later trying to "fix" trees than had had their branches fall down in the wind
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 10:37, Reply)

What is it about old men in suits?
(Was this guy small enough to look like he was related to Jools Holland? I'm just wondering whether it was the same feller...)
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 11:12, Reply)

You could probably earn money from this service. How about an ad campaign?
"Are you the sort of vapid twat that frequents town centre clubs on a weekly basis? Do you have bleach blonde hair and wear too much make-up? Do you like to get attention from men but are fed up of the inevitable stalking and date rapes? Well 'Twat-B-Gone' is the service for YOU! Fob him off with a fake email address and you can continue to tease drinks out of him safe* in the knowledge that your semen stained corpse wont be found in an isolated lay-by"

This is not a guarantee of safety
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 10:32, Reply)

Twat-B-Gone

I likes that name....


Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 10:33, Reply)

Oh, I see Legless
reply to everyone but me, I see how it is.
If this is the way it's going to be, your cards are marked, sunshine. Just you wait, you're DEAD to me now.

EDIT Oh wait, you didn't reply to Psychochomp either, what is it you've got against sex pests?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 10:34, Reply)

*Strokes*

I'll alter my message so the footer says:

Service provided by the awesome Bert Monkeysex

cheers

EDIT: Done
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 10:36, Reply)

and then give me their contact details
I'll turn the tables, like. The rapist becomes the rapee
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 10:38, Reply)

Actually

That would be rather easy to do. I could just forward their message, which has their email address, to you...

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 10:39, Reply)

I think you need a better sounded domain name, it's to ovbouse, plus you'll be like "dickheeeeed dot com, no, d i c, k h e e... so that's two es d dot com, hahah, no it's not a joke, name of a start-up I'm working with, just try it."
You should do some sort of automatic publishing with NAME and SHAMING, ovbously str_replace'ing anything that could be a name or contact detail.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 10:43, Reply)

Yeah

I could change it to daftdoggy.com Still got that domain doing nothing. Dickheed is a bit obvious.


EDIT: Hmmmm. The publishing of emails begging for a date/sex could be quite amusing. Shouldn't be too hard to automate. Blanking out phone numbers, changing names etc....


Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 10:45, Reply)

No worries =)
How are you pulling the emails, what you using?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 10:50, Reply)

It's
just a simple auto-responder with a catch all email address so that any email sent to the domain gets sent to the catch all address.

To pull the names I've got a text file with thousands of baby names. I could just use that and string compare.

It's certainly do-able. And might be a laugh
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 10:55, Reply)

Oh'aye', I get the catch-all thing.
What language you writting in? I've never used PHP to grab POP3/IMAP. Did you write a class/series-of-functions to do that, and then CRON it every now and then? I wanna work with text messages, I think there is potential to offer something to my clients there which has a bit of 'wow' factor, only I want to do it without killing my funds, short-codes are (quite rightly) well expensive.

I'm INSPIRED to do some coding today, might make an iPhone app over the next couple of days, I got 3 days to 'wow' a client even more than what I've currently done; I won't make any cash on this one, but the resell value on my current project is huge. Basiclly, I'm gonna make a web-app that'll let you order a cab in north london, I fucking love the HTML5 spec about Geocoding.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 11:06, Reply)

Cron
And adapted this lot:

www.weberdev.com/get_example-4015.html

If I take it further I'll use simplehtmldom.sourceforge.net/ If you ever have the need to parse html then use that baby. It's a bit tricky to get your head around but once you know it you can do all sorts of sweet things with it. I've written a few screen-scraping apps with it. Including one to search b3ta that tells you whether you're a twat or not - haven't published that one yet...

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 11:17, Reply)

Ace !
That looks handy.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 12:32, Reply)

could be the new textsfromlastnight
I reckon the idea has legs
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 10:53, Reply)

They did this on Radio One
it was called the Flirt Divert and it was a mobile number that was always switched off, they would then play the messages left on voicemail on the air. It was a bit mean.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 11:06, Reply)

but also the best thing on radio 1

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 11:06, Reply)

Proof read?
I'm sure TGB would help ;o)
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 13 Jul 2010, 11:13, Reply)

r
TGB Darth Foxtrot
+ because he's such a massive bumder.
(LongJohnBaldry, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 11:16, Reply)