Hello Off Topic
Apologies for the threadjack, but I'd just like to say how proud I am that more than a week after me leaving you lot can't stop talking about me, and that indeed there are even two posts which reference me on the popular page. I'm beginning to think that I may well be the most talked about person on QOTW, ever.
To me, it appears that I am a winner, and that on some level you all still adore me and want me to stay, so I've decided to give it another shot.

Before we all go getting het-up and cross with one another, I would just like to apologise, to those who I have upset and offended in the past. I won't make excuses, it's pretty plain to see that I have problems, but I was out of line and will try to tone it down from now on.
Most of you will be smart enough to know from experience that just because I am apologising (again), doesn't mean anything will change, so unless you're willing to be bored to tears by my posts, or deeply upset by the incredibly inappropriate and personal things I say on here, you should probably click ignore now.

Once again, genuine, sincere apologies to everyone, I'm trying to change but I know that it won't happen overnight.

Bert.

PS BobbyPires is me, you idiots. I'd have thought that the way I was replying to EVERY single post was a dead give-away of my beakerism.

...and in answer to Becky's questions, nothing as I'm not very impressive, and a ham and cheese baguette from Sainsbury's, smoky bacon crisps, a can of coke and a lion bar
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 13:23, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Wow, you can't help yourself can you. IGNORED.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 13:26, Reply)

I think the thing I love about you most
is that it takes me the least effort out of anyone to upset you
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 13:27, Reply)

I'd rather you didn't post pictures of me.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 13:31, Reply)

eh?
Did a mod just delete my post?

Oh wait, I see. You deleted the thread and replied again. If you'd just said I would have taken it down
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 13:32, Reply)

I'm a mod now.

(PsychoChomp, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 13:35, Reply)

congratulations of the promotion
how do you find the time what with all your paperclip sales?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 13:36, Reply)

Are you really?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 13:37, Reply)

No, he isn't

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 13:37, Reply)

don't be silly

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 13:37, Reply)

He's not a mod
He's not even got a scooter!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 13:38, Reply)

Haha!

( girlinthehole, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 13:41, Reply)

*belms*

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 13:38, Reply)

YES

(PsychoChomp, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 13:39, Reply)

Oh I don't friggin know do I??

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 13:40, Reply)

Couldn't last one or two weeks, of which I bet most of that time was naughty-stepped.
Oh Bertty McBert Bert, that's quite.... I donno, someone help me out, what's the right word for it?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 13:44, Reply)

a shirt?

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 13:46, Reply)

pathetic, irritating, typical, expected, foolish, desperate, annoying
pick one Gonz
( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 13:48, Reply)

All Of The Above, except annoying, he ain't annyoing, in fact, I don't really give him a second thought.
It's a bit like The Never Ending Story where people forget about the books and everyone fades into nothing.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 13:50, Reply)

you do seem to get quite worked up by me though Gonz, be honest
you've been going on about me for days, I know this because I search my own name every hour or so.
I particularly enjoy the way your spelling improves when you're upset
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 13:54, Reply)

GRRR I R SO ANGRY ! *KEYBOARD MOOB-SMASH* GRRR GRRRR ANGER AND FEAR !

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 13:58, Reply)

Pfffft
I love you, you daft cunt
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 14:17, Reply)

I just want to cut him

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 13:56, Reply)

Can you explain why please?
Pretty much all I have ever said to you is 'Shut up Chompy', is that really worth getting so worked up over?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 14:17, Reply)

Hi Gonz
I know, I know.

but do you remember that time on /talk I asked you for three numbers?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 13:53, Reply)

I'm afraid I don't.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 13:56, Reply)

Here it is
www.b3ta.com/talk/6882884

and here's the reason:

1. Dyslexic
2. Fat
3. Shit-your-pants
4. Dumb
5. Fuck-ugly
6. Retarded
7. Mongoloid
8. Spastic
9. Paedo-looking
10. cunty-cunty-twat-cunt
11. Stomach cancer
12. fuckwit
13. twatfuck
14. Spunk-dribble
15. wankstain
16. cockdobber
17. shitbiscuit
18. AIDs-y downs boy
19. anatomically incorrect imbecile
20. hermaphrodite
21. degenerate sperm-bank
22. indecisive, creepy pervert
23. dandruff licking douchebag
24. You suffer from libidinous narcissistic guilt
25. earth-vexing puttock
26. frothy sheep-biting apple-john
27. milk-livered canker-blossom
28. pigeon-egged, pottle-deep mumble-news
29. goatish folly-fallen lout
30. putrid boob
31. belligerent goon
32. self-righteous Rump-Ranger
33. worthless
34. earwax-eating, inbred scumbag
35. tool
36, You suffer from unconscious masturbatory ambivalence
37. dick
38. cock
39. dipshitted, fuckwitted motherfucker
40. fucktarded fucknut
41. wanker who will de alone
42. tosser
43. shitbag
44. reamtard
45. your mother had two cunts, and you're one of them
46. Bizzare white cider drinking bum boy
47. Lonely, arse ripping bacon bazooka
48. feckless twat
49. IBS ridden dogwart
50. Flimsy child scaring shit stained bell-end

I got so bored of insulting you that I created a Gonz-Insult-O-Matic. So now, whenever you feel like replying to one of my posts, just pick three numbers between 1 and 50 at random, consult the list and think again
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 14:07, Reply)

I liked you better when you weren't here.

(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 14:10, Reply)

me too
EDIT click ignore, silly. I'll be gone forever
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 14:12, Reply)

I don't like having people on ignore
You still entertain me occasionally.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 14:17, Reply)

A while ago I found a post from last year
where you said that you'd missed me, and I was all like 'awww...!'.
I don't think I even knew who you were back then, but thank you, I will try not to be so shit from now on, but I wouldn't hold your breath
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 14:18, Reply)

I remember that.
And you said I was growing on you. Like a mole or something.
(Applebite Uh! A cow!, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 14:24, Reply)

heehee
I am significant to you! This must surely be a bad thing, I recommend that you see your GP at once
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 14:25, Reply)

Let me hear more about the Gonz-insult-O-Matic you made, is it a list that you look up, or is it more complicated than that?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 14:11, Reply)

It's just a list

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 14:12, Reply)

So basicly, if I've got this right, you've created a list and called it a machine.
Do you lie a lot when it comes to making things?
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 14:14, Reply)

No Gonz
I know it's difficult for your backwards-facing brain to understand, but I didn't call it a machine at any point, it's a list that I've called the Gonz-Insult-O-Matic.

EDIT I want to kiss you, with tongues
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 14:16, Reply)

Sorry, I went out for lunch, but anyway, adding the word 'matic' onto something implies it is a machine or has a function.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 15:32, Reply)

it's a list with a function, Gonz
the function is that it insults you, directly

1, 9, 24
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 6 Aug 2010, 17:54, Reply)