I'm so bored I'm thinking of fulfilling my own sig...
...and having a wank in work. Anyone else ever done this?

Ctrl-Shift-Alt-Q: What's the weirdest place you've had a moment of self-lovin'?
(R. Jimlad twitter.com/sirmarkymark, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:13, 50 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Why the hell do we want to know about you masturbating at work?
What the fuck is wrong with you? I don't want to hear about anyone here wanking, I don't care who they are. Unless there is a funny story attached, I donno, something like Al got his penis stuck in a standard pint glass or something.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:17, Reply)

It was the top of a ketchup bottle, a pint glass
would be too big.
(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:21, Reply)

Way to ruin the joke, Michael, nice one.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:25, Reply)

I'm so ashamed

(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:28, Reply)

Gutted.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:29, Reply)

like a dead catfish

(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 17:04, Reply)

i was literally
just going to put something about a change in the law. so i'll hijack your thread instead:

looks as if the government listened to psychochomp after all... as of 1 october, new changes in the law mean that you can't be made homeless straightaway if your landlord fails to pay his mortgage. sorry it's a bit dull, but thought i'd mention it as might help someone at some point - it's been happening to residential tenants all over the place!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:17, Reply)

Crisis (homeless charity I volunteer with) has had a hell of a lot of cases of this to deal with since the recession - good to get finally get some legislation

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:21, Reply)

So, you take out a mortgage
but then you rent the property to your partner, then, when you fail to pay back the mortgage and the bank try and repossess the house, your partner still gets to live there, presumably under the terms of the agreement you both signed, which could be piss easy.

Is this how it works?

I know it's a problem really, I'm just pointing out the obvious way of milking it.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:23, Reply)

without getting too technical on your ass
you'd still only be buying yourself a couple of extra months!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:26, Reply)

You should be happpy you're living in the UK.
In the US, homeless are generally considered at fault for their condition no matter what the reason. Our right wing government would rather see dead bodies on the streets than have their rich friend’s have to pay a penny more in taxes.
(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:24, Reply)

I am very happy I live in the UK instead of the US for lots of reasons.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:29, Reply)

it was very harsh on resi tenants
who had paid their rent in full. it happened to some of my big corporate clients who had taken on properties at tens of thousands a month. no defence whatsoever, sorry.

how a landlord who is earning £10k a month in rent cannot pay his mortgage is a mystery to me, but there you go.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:24, Reply)

Listen, 'swipe, I was wondering, can I get some legal advice from you?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:27, Reply)

go on...

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:32, Reply)

When he said "legal advice" he actually meant "used underwear"

(Bazongaloid, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:37, Reply)

Damn, I knew I was using the wrong keywords on Craigslist

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:40, Reply)

Her trial briefs so to speak
/rimshot
(Zoz prayed for twink on, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:47, Reply)

Right, ok, I entered an implied transaction with with a women in exchange for services.
We said that it was £40 for the hour, something I thought she would be happy with, but due to medical reasons I was finished in 3 minutes and could not continue with the job. She expected full payment, and I couldn't really reffuse because there is a guy in the next room who looks a bit tasty. I honestly felt threatened that if I do not pay the invoice, that my life was in danger.

On a side note, I don't think the corperation involves are up to date on their taxes, and am thinking about going to the athorities for a reward; should one be available.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 17:01, Reply)

The rent could go into an escrow account to insure the mortgage is paid
each month before the land owner receives any money.
(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:27, Reply)

Maybe the mortgage is more than 10k a month?
Also, isn't there tax paid on rental incomes?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:28, Reply)

could be cashflow problems - I moved our company in to new offices about 4 months ago to ease cashflow - it doesn't take a lot of change in circumstances to fuck things up for some businesses.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:28, Reply)

that is reasonably interesting
how about not being made homeless straight away if one can't pay ones own mortgage?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:24, Reply)

that's always been the case
they have to give you warnings and then get a court order. the problem for residential tenants is that, as they are not a party to the court proceedings, they have no idea this is happening. they only find out when they get home to find the locks have been changed!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:25, Reply)

Friend of mine had a similar situation.
The first he or his wife knew of any problem was when a bailiff turned up.

Seems the bailiff was surprised they'd made no attempt to pack any stuff and were just about to eat a family breakfast (they had at that time a baby). The landlord had failed to tell them they were about to be evicted and that he'd not paid his mortgage in over a year.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:27, Reply)

i think
that is pretty much exactly what happened to psychochomp.

and to several of my corporate occupier clients.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:33, Reply)

To provide a slightly happier ending to the story
The bailiff spoken with the bank who'd applied for the reposession and explained the situation.

The bank in tern allowed my mate and his family to stay at the property until they were able to move, as long as they stayed in regular contact with the bank (who didn't charge them any rent on the propertly in the 3 weeks they stayed there).

Seems turfing babies out on the street isn't the sort of publicity banks are after.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:37, Reply)

I feel sorry for your corporate occupier clients
but I can't bring myself to give a crap about chompy.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:38, Reply)

As a potential future landlord, I find the rise in "tenants rights" scary and a threat to my future wealth
*Dons cloak and top hat*
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:33, Reply)

hello husband

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:33, Reply)

Hi Hun
I may be late home tonight because my job is boring me senseless and i've been dicking around on the internet.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:36, Reply)

that's quite alright sweetheart
i'm going on a treasure hunt with clients followed by free drinks so i will be (i) very late and (ii) very drunk.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:40, Reply)

on a treasure hunt to have group sex
free drinks a massive bukkakke facial
late sticky
drunk smelly
(Bazongaloid, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:41, Reply)

I love it when she talks dirty

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:41, Reply)

talks dirty rubs her smelly pussy on a piece of french stick and then grills it for me
(Bazongaloid, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:45, Reply)

what is the MATTER with you?
that is really really vile!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:46, Reply)

What? I'm not the one getting themselves off on bits of bread.

(Bazongaloid, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:47, Reply)

she gets more perverse by the minute

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:48, Reply)

Frankly she disgusts me
but I can't stop looking, it's like a terrible car crash.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:50, Reply)

you're only human
let's just hope that it doesn't upset you too much
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:52, Reply)

yeah - she hasn't denied it has she?

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:51, Reply)

She can't really, being a lawyer and all, if she's shown to be lying
it's worse than being a serial outdoor masturbating bread frottager.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:53, Reply)

I NEED A BIGGER IGNORE BUTTON
to fit you all in
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:54, Reply)

you can't make us believe that
we all know how much you enjoy parading your antics in front of others.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:56, Reply)

Ah... so it was a baguette attached to the car seat in her SLK that she was using with the roof down whilst a lorry driver watched her having a rub
It's all clear to me now.
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 17:00, Reply)

Hahaha
that's really fucking grotty. Nice work.
( Kroney, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:58, Reply)

Ctrl-Shift-Alt-A - Bromley.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:23, Reply)

Pervert.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:30, Reply)

I mistook the Fodor's description of the town for an instruction.

(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:35, Reply)

My computer doesn't have a Bromley button.
Tech support were no help...
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Wed 22 Sep 2010, 16:56, Reply)