well.
i am not sure if this is juvenile but it certainly made me feel a bit feeble-woman. and a complete and total tit.

so i got home from some weekend-related shenanigans over the weekend (oddly enough) to a sight of horror. i live in one of those victorian red-brick mansion blocks and the landlord, which is the crown, works really hard at keeping it authentic. so i headed innocently to the big front door. only to find a spider the size of a fucking HAND sitting right. over. the. keyhole.

i am utterly terrified of spiders. don't get me wrong, i would have screamed if this had been a moneyspider, but this thing was seriously, distressingly large. there are many aussies in west london and this thing must have been one of them, it was that big. i panicked for a bit, but there was only one thing to do. i called the emergency number for the porter.

he was UNimpressed at being phoned at midnight to move a spider. he told me that i needed to get "that bloke i lived with to sort me out". when i pointed out that i lived by myself, he said that i should seriously re-think whether i should be allowed to do so!!!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 10:08, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

That is both tragic and highly comic in equal measures.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 10:13, Reply)

Ha ha
Morning Swipe, you big jessie.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 10:13, Reply)

She needs A REAL MAN in her life. An arachnid slayer with excellent hair.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 10:15, Reply)

*Imagines Monty stepping up to the plate*

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 10:15, Reply)

i am now thinking this
wanted: one house husband. must be good at spider-slaying and cooking. in return: free accommodation including sky tv, occasional use of sports car and deep-throat on demand.

shall i put it in loot?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 10:16, Reply)

I don't think that will be necessary.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 10:17, Reply)

oh really?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 10:27, Reply)

Does Sky TV
Include Sky Sports?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 10:18, Reply)

unfortunately yes
it comes as part of the package
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 10:27, Reply)

*considers submitting an application*
.........

*Decides against it, on account of PINK exercise equipment and the boxing training. I'm not stupid, I don't want a kicking for burning your toast*
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 10:29, Reply)

you'd be fine
i never have bread in, so i don't really eat toast.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 10:34, Reply)

never always
, so I don't really eat toast my vagina
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 10:37, Reply)

Damn, I hate spiders
*considers therapy*
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 11:42, Reply)

Ms Swipe, I would have exactly the same reaction.
And as an Aussie, I apologise.
(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 4 Oct 2010, 10:14, Reply)

In my house it's the opposite way around
I have to valiantly go forth to do battle with the offending arachnid whilst my other half cowers in a different room whimpering and calling out "is it gone yet?"
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 10:23, Reply)

What a pussy
Mind you, a couple of friends of mine are so scared of them that they freak out even when they see a picture of a spider.
I had fun texting a picture of a massive evil spider to one of them while he was chatting up a lady...
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 10:29, Reply)

The only person I know with that kind of fear is a girl
so if I sent her a picture of a spider it wouldn't be 'lol LAD', she'd go apeshit at me.

She doesn't come to my Halloween parties because there are fake spider webs and stuff. At least that's what she tells me.....
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 10:42, Reply)

That's a pathetic excuse
I think she just doesn't like you. Or thinks your house smells.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 10:48, Reply)

It smells of awesome!
It actually smells of apple crumble at the moment because I made some last night. I also made Wiggy a little rammekin of crumble with no fruit because he doesn't like the apple part of apple crumble. Top girlfriending, right there.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 10:51, Reply)

That is good work
Did you put cinnamon in the apple crumble?
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 10:55, Reply)

No, my favourite is toffee apple crumble
and the cinnamon is too overpowering when mixed with the toffee.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 11:04, Reply)

But I love cinnamon!
I can see it not mixing well with the toffee though.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 11:11, Reply)

I read that as
Gave boyfriend bowl of sugary, floury stuff.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 10:56, Reply)

yeah pretty much, it was just crumbled shortbread really.
he loved it.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 11:03, Reply)

Me too
I had to deal with one about 2 inches across in Spain, and when I said 'I've got it, look, see?' and showed him (in a glass with cardboard over it, I might add) he screamed and told me to fuck off.
Big bloody jessie.
(berk, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 10:31, Reply)

ooh kitty, kitty
i have a law society ethics question for you. hypothectically speaking only, of course..... say you had a case and you had promised it to a female barrister whom you knew well.

then you went out for drinks on thu night with a new set of chambers and met the most perfect man in the world APART FROM MONTY, who ticked every box from the deep to the shallow (right through to the shallowest point of having a double first from oxford and a masters in law from cambridge) APART FROM THE FACT THAT HE WAS NOT MONTY, who insisted that you stayed drinking with him at the end of the night and mentioned several times that he was single.

well. would it be unethical to instruct him instead so that you could go to conferences and court with nice hair and make-up instead of the scuzzy look you were sporting at thursday night's drinks?? surely not?!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 10:32, Reply)

*dejected face*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 10:34, Reply)

see above ninja edits

( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 10:36, Reply)

*still feels the sharp pain of rejection piercing my heart like a shard of blackness from Hades*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 10:40, Reply)

you're ok
i'll just use him as practice to make sure that my skills are honed for you.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 10:41, Reply)

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeemmmmmmoooooooooooooooooooooo!

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 10:41, Reply)

I read that in the style of Lenny Henry's 'OOOKAAAY' from Tiswas.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 10:45, Reply)

You are
Algernon Winston Spencer Castlereagh Razzmatazz

AICMFP
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 10:47, Reply)

Don't spend it all on bread and condensed milk.

(Cave Duck, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 10:48, Reply)

Bread and condensed milk sandwiches!

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 10:50, Reply)

and you judge my apple crumble sans apple?

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 11:12, Reply)

Give him the next case
Bros before hos. Or sisters before misters, in your case.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 10:35, Reply)

haha
i had not heard the latter before!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 10:37, Reply)

I just made it up
Although I doubt I'm the only person in the world to have thought it.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 10:37, Reply)

It's like you kids have never heard of The Beverley Sisters.

(Cave Duck, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 10:42, Reply)

Haha that's how the whole solicitor/barrister relationship works
none of it is based on professionalism. In fact there's a woman in my office who's schmoozing with a really fuck off hot barrister (who used to be an underwear model, like I know right?!) and he seems to have some fantastic cases on at the moment...
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 10:44, Reply)

also
this guy is working on a big case involving my old firm (you may have heard of them as they were very big, were based in manchester and went into administration very recently...) and i REALLY want to know the gossip pillow-talk.

hang on, a barrister who used to be an underwear model? jesus.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 10:51, Reply)

I know.
I met him a few weeks ago and I think I actually made an OMG face. You could cut diamond on his jaw.

I think I know which firm you mean, we've nabbed a few of their clients. I was really surprised when they went under, I thought they were huge. The office in Spinningfields is well plush looking.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 10:55, Reply)

maybe i should instruct him too
sod these female barristers for a laugh.

i wasn't, i'd been expecting it for a while - basically they got a £17M kickback from the spinningfields landlord. instead of taking it as a rent-free period, they divvied it up amongst the equity partners. then didn't commit them to having to repay it if they walked. then took they out a £20M loan. meanwhile the partners who had taken the cash walked as fast as they could, leaving the firm £20M in the hole with offices they couldn't sublet and massive amounts of rent to pay. the junior partners weren't told and are threatening to sue the senior partners. and four of the original senior partners are still on the hook as guarantors for the old premises at brown street.

what an almighty mess!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 11:04, Reply)

No way!
That's like something out of a John Grisham novel, I can't believe they would be that stupid. I can believe the greed though, the old firm I worked for paid me £11k as a secretary even when I'd been there years and begged and begged for a payrise. Then I found out they were paying the post boy £3k more than me because he was the son of a friend of the senior partner. When I'm a boss I'm going to be well nice to my lackies.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 11:08, Reply)

yup
there was an interview in "the lawyer" with the ex managing partner, the comments run for about 25 pages, and they are very very scathing. i suspect the liquidators will be doing some investigating. you're absolutely right, greed killed off a great business and a great manchester name. it's a shame.

you can tell a lot more about someone by how they treat their lackeys, i think. just don't ask my ex-trainee (in my defence, he was a challenge to train!)
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 11:10, Reply)

I definitely agree with that,
there are solicitors in this firm who will not give the secretaries the time of day unless they want a coffee making or something.

My old boss used to ring me up specifically to order me to make him a brew and once when he deemed it wasn't strong enough he made me go back and make it again. He then bollocked me for not smiling when I brought the second brew back. I'm surprised he didn't think I'd spat in it.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 11:15, Reply)

yeah
we have quite a few like that (we're pretty big, there's 2000 of us worldwide, so that allows for quite a lot of tools!).

i've never understood it myself, i spoil my secretary rotten - she makes my job 100000 times easier. although she does act like my mum and try to counsel me on whether i am eating properly/drinking too much/men!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 11:18, Reply)

think realise
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 11:24, Reply)

If you find any more, I'll have them.
I'm now a west Lahndahner and there aren't many local exotic pet shops. Pretty much all of my pets eat giant spiders. Or in one case are a giant spider...
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Mon 4 Oct 2010, 12:17, Reply)