sorry monty
but my girly uselessness has overwhelmed even my anti-strike sentiments this morning. and as literally everyone here is more practical than me, i am going to nick your thread to ask for help:

so for my birthday, my lovely father (aka guilt-ridden beast for taking my two brothers to madrid for the older one's birthday and leaving me behind) has offered to buy me a new washing machine and dishwasher and new light fittings throughout the flat. i know i am getting old because i am chuffed with this instead of spending the cash on the red coat i have clocked in harrods. but...

how do i go about getting integrated appliances replaced? how do i measure them?? and is there a company that sells and fits integrated appliances, or do i order them from john lewis and then find what, a plumber?

secondly. these light fittings. where is good to buy light fittings?? i've had a look on line, there's bloody thousands of them, help. i just want clean, modern spots that will be easy to change and where the government won't make the bulbs illegal, which is what killed the current (admittedly v old) fittings. and what happens next, do i get the electrician to quote, then buy my light fittings, and also line up a plasterer and decorator?

i know this is pathetic, but i am hopelessly impractical, and i know some of you lot have just done houses up (mr vipros!). or...... should i struggle on in the dark with an ugly dishwasher and just buy the beautiful beautiful designer coat instead?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 9:50, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

the integrated appliances will probably be standard sizes
john lewis probably do installation as well.

with the light fittings somewhere like john lewis will probably do a decent range of those too, although they might be a bit pricey.

assuming you don't want to do any of the work yourself your plan to get an electrician to quote then buy the fittings and line up the people to make good is probably the way to go.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 9:52, Reply)

you think they'll all be the same size?
this is interesting news. i was nearly in tears trying to make the tape measure reach the back of the sodding dishwasher this morning!

erm, do the work myself? can you IMAGINE how that would turn out?

it's taken me about an hour to choose between a pink and a silver retro smeg dishwasher (to match my fridge), that is the limit of my capability!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 9:54, Reply)

I would've thought so
unless your old ones were particularly expensive and fancy and part of a properly bespoke kitchen.

I didn't think you would want to do it yourself ;-)
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 9:55, Reply)

definitely not
they're just fairly old manky miele things. and i have to open the washing machine with a screwdriver at the moment because i snapped the handle off trying to open the door whilst it was still locked, so a new washing machine is particularly urgent!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 9:57, Reply)

You need a house husband.
(to call in professionals for you)
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:13, Reply)

this is a good idea
where might i trap one of these unwary beasts?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:17, Reply)

I've heard they can be found 'on the internet'.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:20, Reply)

so i should put an ad somewhere, is that what you're saying?
first draft...

wanted: house-husband for high-maintenance, impractical female. must be able to kill spiders, change lightbulbs, look great in a pinny and nothing else, not fuck the cleaner or try on my underwear, drive my sportscar without looking like a tool, and put out a minimum of three nights a week with bonus editions at the weekend.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:23, Reply)

When can I start?
I can't drive but everything else sounds fine.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:29, Reply)

Driving is piss-easy Monty, You'll be fine - especially if the car is an automatic.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:30, Reply)

an automatic a girly, open-top Merc.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:34, Reply)

it is a hard-top convertible thank you very much
and it is not girly. it is black and sleek and dangerous.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:36, Reply)

Dangerous because it has a woman driving it?
OOOOoooooooo
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:38, Reply)

*Pulls up a chair, this should be an entertaining exchange*

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:39, Reply)

so much bitter frustration
once you've touched a real woman it will all just melt away, i promise.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:45, Reply)

Strangely, the Ignore link under your name is purple for some reason
It must be telling me something subconciously.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:48, Reply)

yes
it is telling you that you can't keep away, however hard you try.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:53, Reply)

You're right Swipe
But there're just too many differences between us. Besides, you have Monty moving in to look after your hovel.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:56, Reply)

tonight?!

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:36, Reply)

*hands in notice immediately*

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:44, Reply)

that sounds like an ideal job
where do we send applications?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:33, Reply)

you can't apply
you already have a wedding ring or will do!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:35, Reply)

damn it
just have to wait for Mrs V to earn enough so I don't have to work.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:38, Reply)

Standard domestics will be the same size for dishwashers and washings machines, integrated fridge-freezers can vary.

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 9:58, Reply)

I'll come round and measure
everything, and might even fit them for you.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 9:57, Reply)

interesting
would you leave your bike outside though, bikes are not welcome in kensington...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:01, Reply)

I'd have to come on the bus
with my toolkit.

"I'll just get my wrench out..."
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:04, Reply)

*sultry music plays*

(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:09, Reply)

He lives!
Hello.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:14, Reply)

I do!
Mucho busy day yesterday and Rome Thurs-Sun.

How are you chum?
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:22, Reply)

Lucky chap. Rome superb, I assume?
I'm good. You missed an excellent bash.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:28, Reply)

Rome was stunning, as always.
Seriously tempted to move there, but I'm not sure if I could cope with the lack of order day to day. Great place to visit for a few days, but any longer and I'd get annoyed that no-one gets up early.

So I heard! I hope you didn't berate anyone too much. Were Kitty/Apple/Nomfucks/Vampito well behaved?

I feel an interesting dining experience is on the cards soon; care to join?
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:31, Reply)

I've considered a move to Rome myself. Full of fucking foreigners, though.
Everyone behaved, sadly.

Dining = yes.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:33, Reply)

Thinking of Ethiopian
or Sengalese if I can remember the bloody name of the place.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:36, Reply)

'Darkie' you mean.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:43, Reply)

Amberl is Nomfucks?!
I'm telling.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:39, Reply)

Fucking right she is.
PHWOOOARRR
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:43, Reply)

She took her top off at Lampito's and I fucking missed it!

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:48, Reply)

Pics or it's not true

(Himjim died a little more inside on, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:58, Reply)

You all get mixed up
You are nomfucks right?
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:44, Reply)

Mixing up members of LAAK?
This is how the whole thing got started, tut tut.

I am KittyNoms. There is no fuck.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:48, Reply)

This is the problem
You're all girls, all strippers, and all self effacing.

I don't mix up Lampers, 'cause I know her IRL.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 11:01, Reply)

get the coat
and some paper plates.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 9:53, Reply)

i did this last year
dad offered to re-carpet the flat and i ended up with...

a gucci watch.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 9:55, Reply)

There's a whole load of info here
tinyurl.com/2wcjujj
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 9:53, Reply)

totally not clicking that
at work anyway!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 9:54, Reply)

It is totally safe for work. Promise.

(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 9:57, Reply)

nope
antichrist has scarred me with his clowns and bunnies
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 9:58, Reply)

Come on, I'm not that bad!
OK, I will stop with all the evil stuff now, I've had my fun.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:08, Reply)

you are the second person i have been tempted to IGNORE

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:16, Reply)

and....ignore

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:17, Reply)

sorry kitty, did you hear anything?
i didn't...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:21, Reply)

nope
ghosts.
( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:23, Reply)

yeah
rabbit shafting, clown loving ghosts.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:24, Reply)

oh man a ghost clown would be the fucking scariest thing on the planet

( Kitty v1.0 desperately naive, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:40, Reply)

i've probably shagged scarier

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 26 Oct 2010, 10:52, Reply)