Alt: masturbate without the nagging feeling that someone's watching me
(And judging me; whether on morality or technique is harder to tell)
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 29 Nov 2010, 18:07, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Top tip:
Stop doing it in Sainsbury's, then.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 29 Nov 2010, 18:08, Reply)

then at least you
know people are watching and criticising
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 29 Nov 2010, 18:09, Reply)

Well, It's their own fault for calling those things
"Self-service" checkouts.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 29 Nov 2010, 18:10, Reply)

Our nickname for you is 'lefty'

( willenium Fist bump for verification, Mon 29 Nov 2010, 18:09, Reply)

Hey, come on, I only cracked one out once
over that picture of Barack Obama.
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 29 Nov 2010, 18:11, Reply)

I think we both know the real reason behind the term lefty..

( willenium Fist bump for verification, Mon 29 Nov 2010, 18:15, Reply)

I am actually left-handed, as it happens...

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 29 Nov 2010, 18:16, Reply)

50:50 chance amirite?

( willenium Fist bump for verification, Mon 29 Nov 2010, 18:17, Reply)

True. And even if I were right-handed, I suppose I could have been spambidextrous.

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 29 Nov 2010, 18:18, Reply)

click for spambidextrous
a viz term no?
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Mon 29 Nov 2010, 18:21, Reply)

'tis indeed. Straight out of the profanisaurus.

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 29 Nov 2010, 18:22, Reply)

Do you have the latest Viz yet?

( willenium Fist bump for verification, Mon 29 Nov 2010, 18:24, Reply)

Look, I promise I won't watch anymore if it makes you feel weird, alright?

(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 29 Nov 2010, 18:11, Reply)

It's just a little off-putting
when you're peering over my shoulder saying "faster...don't grip quite so hard...steady, it's not like you're trying break it off!"

_{It reminds me too much of my old PE teacher.}
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 29 Nov 2010, 18:13, Reply)

Your?
Tscha.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 29 Nov 2010, 18:15, Reply)

Argh!
Whoops, thanks for that. Have things really got so bad that I can't spell any more?
(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 29 Nov 2010, 18:17, Reply)

Looks like it.
Maybe you were distracted by your clearly mediocre wanking style.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 29 Nov 2010, 18:18, Reply)

he is only using one hand to type

( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Mon 29 Nov 2010, 18:21, Reply)

well obviously, when you can't even wank properly either. and that face you pull? *giggles*

(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 29 Nov 2010, 18:18, Reply)

YOU'RE ALIVE

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 29 Nov 2010, 18:15, Reply)

LESLIE NIELSEN ISN'T

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 29 Nov 2010, 18:17, Reply)

YES I'M ALIVE
*snogs*
(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 29 Nov 2010, 18:18, Reply)

The look on Wookiee's face made my whole life

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 29 Nov 2010, 18:19, Reply)

what, when I snogged you? I don't remember, what did it look like?

(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 29 Nov 2010, 18:22, Reply)

We turned around and he looked judging and a little surprised. It made me lol.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 29 Nov 2010, 18:24, Reply)

I also missed this!
When did it happen?
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 29 Nov 2010, 18:26, Reply)

It wasn't a full on snog
lingering peck on the lips if I recall.

Poppet did bury her head in my tits a lot though.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Mon 29 Nov 2010, 18:27, Reply)

well they were VERY comfortable tits.
and I was quite drunk. I get more touchy feely when I'm drunk. I"m sorry if I upset you. :(
(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 29 Nov 2010, 18:30, Reply)

First bash
that I managed to get by without snogging anyone
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Mon 29 Nov 2010, 18:38, Reply)

I would have snogged you if you wanted me to.

(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 29 Nov 2010, 18:46, Reply)

but someone IS watching you
His name is Jesus, and when you masturbate it makes him cry.

This is because you're doing it wrong.

This makes him so mad he kills a kitten.

You, my friend, are killing a good forty kittens a week.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Mon 29 Nov 2010, 18:17, Reply)

And the rest...

(LongJohnBaldry, Mon 29 Nov 2010, 18:20, Reply)

are watching you attempt to masturbate.

(Poppet some assembly required., Mon 29 Nov 2010, 18:30, Reply)

Kittens go to heaven no-questions asked
where they play with the ghosts of children.

therefore Jesus loves a wanker
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Mon 29 Nov 2010, 18:22, Reply)