The cure-all
My granny's advice, no matter the ailment, was "put methylated spirits on it". Apparently this worked incredibly well on cuts and bruises, which is why I spent much of my clumsy childhood smelling like a camping stove.

My granddad's first aid advice was "let the dog lick it". Do not try this if you have cystitis.

Neither of these treatments are, surprisingly, available on the NHS.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 9:32, 3 replies)

My much missed Nan
Offered these words of wisdom, which have stuck with me.

"If you ever meet people off the internet, make them fairy cakes decorated with magenta cocks."
( wanderlust, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 9:26, 60 replies)

On Leaving for University my Grandmother Told Me
"Always make sure you air your socks."
and
"Don't spend all your money on drugs."

20 years later, I've never had a problem with damp socks, I'm not sure if thats due to Granny's advice or not. And neither have I managed to spend all my money on drugs.
(anat0010, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 9:16, Reply)

Shoes and beds
"Never skimp on spending money on a good pair of shoes and a decent bed. If you're not in one, you're in the other".

Sage advice indeed. I have since heard it applied to anything which goes between you and the ground, like chairs and car tyres.

And while I'm here, any reports from the bash last night, people? Or are you still all too hungover?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 8:56, 190 replies)

In a hurry?
An old bloke once imparted the following advice to me, regarding speeding on the roads:

"It's no' how fast ye go, laddie, it's how slow ye dinna".

And he was right. If you can maintain a decent speed without having to slow down, you'll get where you're going much more quickly than if you're racing along then getting held up.

I now travel at a constant 70mph everywhere.

_{Last sentence may not be true}
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 8:48, Reply)

Sexual Dilemmas
Rather than a long and awkward chat about the birds and the bees, my dad gave me three bits of advice which I still swear by twenty years later....

1. When getting naked with a girl, always take your socks off as early as possible. Naked and erect while wearing only socks is not sexy.

2. If you're tired, go on top. Otherwise you'll doze off and that is not sexy.

3. Don't be fooled by big tits.

I have ignored each piece of advice at one time or another, and found him to be almost right on each point. I should add to point 2 that should you go on top and still doze off, the reaction is somewhat worse.

I am still fooled by big knockers on a regular basis. It's a man thing.
(Hampton St.Roker (has probably had your mum), Fri 20 Jun 2008, 8:44, 10 replies)

Sage advice
The single best piece of advice anybody has ever given me came from my Dad. To be honest he's full of wonderful and thoughtful offerings, but none more so than this:

"Son, when you're drunk, or if you've just woken up in the middle of the night, and you need a piss, you're not really sure where you are. Sit on the bog like a woman, and save yourself a lot of trouble".

And you know what? He's right.
(UXB you said it man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 8:07, 1 reply)

Melbourne Cup
A bit of a tradition in our family was to ring Pop for his special tip in the Melbourne Cup.

His advice every single year:

"Always bet on the grey horse".
(Slatts If you cant remember it didnt happen, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 7:51, 1 reply)

If it rhymes its good.
During a water shortage there was a community meeting to find ideas to save water.My grandpappy stood in front of the gathering and offered his sage wisdom;

"If its yellow let it mellow, if it's brown flush it down. Thank you."
(Bluffboy South Africa! World Champions!!!, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 7:29, Reply)

The only advice my Dad's ever given me*
dates back to his time in the Army doing National Service.

"Never get separated from your lunch"

How do I put this politely? He's quite rotund. I don't think he's ever been separated from his lunch.

*that has stuck in my mind, that is.
( chthonic, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 7:09, Reply)

More old gold
My Gran currently racing along to the ripe old of 93, once told me "Make sure you have lots of young friends" as she had outlived most of hers.
Well sensible I'd say.
(John Rooter, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 5:38, Reply)

Never go to bed on an argument.
Obviously my Papa didn't know I was married to an argumentative psycopathic cunt.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 4:46, 1 reply)

my only living grandparent
is my father's mother. whom dislikes me intensly. fun. one day, we had a conversation that went rather like this;

NAN: 'ere, emilybronte, where's that young friend of yours who spent christmas with us last year? she was such lovely lass.
EB: oh. um. that 'friend'? we don't...hang out anymore. she's moved interstate with a new, uhm, 'friend' of hers.
NAN: nevermind love, she'll know soon enough she missed out on a good thing. for now, she's just a fucking idiot, isn't she?

followed by lot's of knowing looks (on her behalf) and akward silences (on mine)
(charlottebronte stalking through the moors, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 4:39, 7 replies)

:|
don't talk to the coloureds...
(Lannes, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 4:27, 1 reply)

a dear old great aunt
who never missed a church service, who never raised her voice or said anything stronger than 'gosh' once told me to 'fuck 'em all and follow jesus'.
it almost made me turn back to catholicism. instead, i now say it at every opportunity with a knowing look in my eye.
(charlottebronte stalking through the moors, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 4:22, 1 reply)

my granddad said
"It's all done with mirrors"
(seanfish, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 3:53, Reply)

Sorry, forgot this one
"life is like a shit sandwich, the more bread you got the better it tastes"
Dad
(knackerz is skinning up, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 3:53, 1 reply)

Not funny but something I live by
My Gran, knackered and paralysed in bed for 9 years, spent most of my childhood on deaths door. As a child I always assumed that, being Gran, she always was in such a state. Slightly off topic, one thing that changed my perception of the old dear, was one day while rambling on, verbally, not physically, she calls me over to hear something of profound importance.
"fireworks are fukkin great"
She had only seen them once, when she was 4 years old, the turn of the century, 1900, as she was leaving New Zealand to emigrate back to Ireland, 90 years later she still loved them.
The one bit of advice she left me with is this.
"always leave a party while you're still having fun, you're a young lad now but later you'll understand, never forget"
Julia, the best bit of advice I ever got, you diamond.
*cries*
(knackerz is skinning up, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 3:47, Reply)

drilling advice
"dont put your fingers where you wouldnt put your dick"
(pancakes_n_ham, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 3:11, Reply)

Advice from old people
"If you're doing business with a religious sonofabitch get it in writing; his word isn't worth shit with the Good Lord telling him how to fuck you on the deal" - William S. Burroughs.
(holygodnotnow, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 3:02, 2 replies)

from someone down the pub the other night
Women are like cowpats, the older they are, the easier they are to pick up...
(mr.BIG I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 2:59, 1 reply)

Brush Your Teeth!
False teeth adhesive tastes of mingey sandpaper!
Also never use it to put in vampire fangs for halloween.
(pulelehua.geo Ultralurker, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 2:25, Reply)

From an old dying man...
... I saw t'other week in the hospital I voulenteer at.

"If you're neck deep in shit there's no point in slinging it"

and

"If it's a choice between saving face and saving your arse: always save your arse. Otherwise, how will you sit?"

I salute you, grizzled and now dead gentleman of the ward.
(forthejest thinks this is the Endgame, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 1:25, Reply)

Charles Sykes had it right
Life is not fair - get used to it.

The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with car phone, until you earn both.

If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.

Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your
grandparents had a different word for burger flipping, they called it Opportunity.

If you mess up,it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.


Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.

Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
( Methylene Blue - electrohead, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 1:11, 2 replies)

My dad has this saying...
"He who is scared and runs away, lives to run another day!"

I would say thats worthwhile advice.
(Rt Hon Quargflax, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 0:55, 1 reply)

Standing at Clapham Junction
... waiting for a train. You Londoners are anti-social.

Except this funny old lady. Asked me and my girl politely if she'd missed the train. We're sociable northerners, so we chatted for a bit. The culmination of the strange and insightful conversation was the discussion about flashers - don't know why, never will understand how we got there. This lady was seriously cool. Mid 60's at least too.

"If i ever got flashed, i'd just laugh and say 'I've seen bigger on a monkey!'"

And that, my friends, is sound advice for a swift stabbing. But still, made me giggle.
(Schumann makes awesome quiches., Fri 20 Jun 2008, 0:53, 2 replies)

My
granny is a bit of a piece of work. At 91 she's still sharp, lewd and active.

Advice given has included:

"Remember to fuck around a lot, when I was growing up we weren't allowed to" (aged 89)

"Don't trust priests... they're cnuts." (aged 90)

"The best way to get a baby to sleep is to give it gin and milk" (as she was feeding gin and milk to my then 2 year old sister)

"If anyone in Brazil (where we were living at the time) tries to mug you, kick them in the balls till they drop to the ground, then stamp on their throat." (aged 84)

She's also advised me never to do cocaine, and also that marijuana brownies are great.

EDIT: My great uncle also once told me to never try shitting in a wicker waste paper bin. I'm not sure how that topic came up in our conversation.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 0:51, 4 replies)