An old chap in the pub told me
"If it smells like fish, eat it."
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 11:29, Reply)

My Uncle Alan
he told me this when i was 15 - it maybe or maynot be 100% his although i have not heard it elsewhere.

"If you can put your tongue in and wiggle it, its fine. If you can put both hands in and clap - put your coat on and go home"

I was a bit bemused for a few years, then it all sank into place.
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Fri 20 Jun 2008, 11:23, 3 replies)

Fuck you I wont do what you tell me...
Words of wisdom from Zack de la Rocha from Rage Against The Machine at Glastonbury many moons ago.

"It's not so much whether you're a cunt, it's more about how much of a cunt you are"

referring to approximately 50,000 people watching the main stage.

He followed this by getting us all to sing along with the immortal lines "Fuck you I wont do what you tell me".

It was like a scene from Life of Brian.
(jazzyjay, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 11:13, 4 replies)

How to get dressed..
When getting dressed, your socks should be the last thing you put on and the first thing you take off
(superfly78, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 11:08, 8 replies)

not mine, but one of my favourite
qotw replies ever, from juan quar:



I used to look after dotty old pensioners.
They had industrial-grade senility. One told me, 'Never smell of wee. My mother always used to say that. Never smell of wee. And I never have.'

Good advice. We should all listen to Doris's mother.


this nearly made me wet myself the first time i read it...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 11:08, 6 replies)

More instruction than advice but
Came from Ma Jugular before she lost her voice....

"Just bloody well get on with it"

This phrase has helped me achieve everything I've set my mind to, because instead of flapping/worrying, I've just got on with it, and it's come out okay.

The only thing it hasn't helped with is deciding what I want to do in the first place.

SIDE NOTE: My mum is dead 'ard, no-one phases her, so when the kids outside are being noisy/throwing stones/being obnoxious/irritating me, I pretend to be my mum when shouting at them as I am too wet to do it as myself. Is that weird?
(Jugular, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 11:01, 4 replies)

My ma on how a young lady should behave with a young man
"Always keep one foot on the floor".
I've had a fantastic, contortionistic time working within those constraints.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 10:52, 34 replies)

Some words of wisdom from my late dad....
1. Always go to the lavvie when you get the chance. He told me that many years ago, long before he was diagnosed with prostate cancer.

2. Never buy French. Nothing at all. Not even a frigging apple.

3. If someone told him to leave a tip at a restaurant he would say "Aye, here's a tip - don't run with scissors."

My dad RIP.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 20 Jun 2008, 10:47, 1 reply)

money
Don't lend friends money, give it to them
(negative armadillo There never was much hope..just a fool's hope., Fri 20 Jun 2008, 10:44, Reply)

Sunscreen
Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.

The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience… I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.

But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.

You’re not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you.

Sing.

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself. Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life... the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.

What ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.

Dance.

Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders. Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Fri 20 Jun 2008, 10:43, 8 replies)

One from my Ma
'No matter how little money you have, always make sure to have enough to buy good quality toilet paper.'

Having been a scrounging student until recently, these were words I lived by, often meaning I could only afford bread at times........believe me when I say that soft TP is a must on a bread diet.
(UncleChuckles "Cthulhu fhtagn", Fri 20 Jun 2008, 10:39, Reply)

How to know when you're old enough to gamble.

When I was a wee lad of just sixteen, my old grandad took me down to the bookies as he wanted to have a little flutter.

"Can put a bet on Grandad" I asked.

"Well little man" my grandad replied, "is your dick long enough to touch your arsehole?"

Embarassed and frankly slightly scared I answered that it wasn't.

"Well then you're not old enough to gamble" cackled the wizened old git.

Sulking I left the bookies with the laughter ringing in my ears. I wandered down the road and eventually found myself in a newsagent.

"I know how I'll quench my thist for gambling" I thought, "I'll buy a scratchcard with my last shiney pound!"

With baited breath I scratched away at the grey panel... 1 treasure chest...2 treasure chests...3 treasure chests!!!

I couldn't believe I had won £50,000!


I was ecstactic I couldn't wait to tell my grandad, the great gambler. I rushed into the bookies and told my grandad the whole story.

His eyes twinkling with excitment he asked me if I would share my good fortune with him.

"Well of course!" I exclaimed, "but I have to check something first. Is your dick long enough to touch your arsehole?"

"Yes, yes it is!" he replied excitedly.

"Well in that case, GO FUCK YOURSELF!"
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 10:29, 1 reply)

I'm an old man; here's my advice
Well, a mixture of stuff I've picked up and stuff I've figured out for myself.

Learn to enjoy the good simple things in life without over-indulging - don't mix your drinks, there's no need.
Rely on yourself - you'll always be there. Try turning off your phone and computer for two whole days and see how you get on.
If you're not happy - find out why: what's making you unhappy? Change it. Job, partner, studies - there are always ways out and the simple act of doing something about it will make you happier.
Don't marry the person you want to be with - marry the one you can't be without.
When you think "I'll just have one more drink" - don't have it.
Go somewhere new, try new things, meet new people - especially while you're young.
If you love someone - tell them occasionally. If they are your parents/grandparents it is especially important.
If you're a bloke, buy flowers for your misses (or Mr) when they're not expecting it and don't get cross if they think you must have done something wrong - just tell them Che told you to do it.
If there is somthing in your life you love doing - try to find a job where they will pay you to do it.
Don't be afraid to ask for help from someone you trust; don't be afraid to give advice to someone you love.
Spend as much time as you can with your kids - blink and they're grown.
Steer clear of hard drugs.
Never show off when driving a car - don't be afraid of being called a sissy.
Men: agree with your woman and let them win arguments. If necessary - do the opposite after she's won.
Women: you'll be amazed how grateful a man can be if you put yourself out for him occasionally.
Gay men: use a condom.
Lesbians: have fun.
Singles: enjoy the peace and quiet. You'll find someone when the right person comes along (if that's what you want) - don't settle for second best, but remember: all relationships need give and take.
At work: do your best and don't stab others in the back. Bite your tongue but don't put up with shit. If you're really not happy, see above: leave.
And this above all else - when things seem really black, go for a walk in the countryside if at all possible, or better still, run or cycle. Look at the beauty of the world and remember that no matter how black things seem, there are others who would love to be in your place. And things will get better. If that doesn't help - let us know about it on the QOTW and we'll cheer you up and provide support.

Amen.

Che
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 10:28, 4 replies)

Fuck a lot of women
From Little Miss Sunshine, but technically speaking, sage advice from an older person.
(SniperJesus Listen to The Fall, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 10:27, 2 replies)

Two fine pieces of wisdom.
1) My dad: Marry the person whose bad habits you'd miss.

2) An old boss: If you want a client/colleague to like you, ask them for their advice. They'll be fooled into thinking you respect their opinion.

Number 2 is gold. Have not yet been able to test number 1.

Apologies for length, but I'd really appreciate your thoughts on it.
( prince-igor si tacuisses, philosophus mansisses, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 10:25, Reply)

Always remember
Lights timed for 30 mph are also correctly timed for 60 mph.
(Jindrak, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 10:23, 3 replies)

I should have listened to him....
Shortly after I announced my engagement a few years ago one of the older members of my family (my Uncle Geoff) came up to me and offered some advice:

" When it comes to preperation for the wedding, all you have to do is sit there and nod, your soon to be wife won't take anything on board anyway...and also don't try and take the piss out of the whole situation, this is her special day"

He then went on to tell me how he tried to help out with the bouquet and flower arrangements during his second marriage but soon got bored after visiting the 100th Florist (I may have inflated that number a tad). When walking into the next florist Uncle Geoff said he would like to speak to the florist himself without my aunts inteference. My Aunt reluctantly agreed and followed him into the shop. The conversation went something like this:

Uncle: Hi, were looking for someone to sort out the flowers for our wedding day in June
Florist: We can help out, what are you thinking of?
Uncle: Dunno, something nice but cheap
Florist: I'll see what we can do, whats your wifes favourite flower?
Uncle: (Quite loudly) Thats easy, its self raising, but I dont think that that will be of any use on our wedding day
(Aunt continually hits him with a nearby bouquet used for display)

Turns out that they eventually used that florist and had to pay for the floral club my aunt used on Uncle Geoff.
(mon bison powered by magnets, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 10:03, 4 replies)

More from one old person to another
In my local (Devon) pub. Two 'old boys' sat at the bar talking.

"Oi 'aven't made love to a woman for yurrs and yurrs. Oi'm only sebbenty eight."

"Ar, but what about that Doris the other week?"

"That don't count - that were in the back of my car"

I now know exactly how I want to be when I'm 78.
(yokelrobin THE NERD WHOSE HAIR DEFIES GRAVITY/FASHION, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 10:03, 1 reply)

My former history teacher
I may have previously mentioned my GCSE history teacher - crabby old menopausal harridan who used to touch herself whilst she was talking to us and seemed to have a 'thing' for Michael Portillo. But she did offer one sound bit of advice:

"A friend in need is not a friend."

I'd like to think I'm not quite that miserable and selfish myself, but having met my fair share of spongers since, she had a point.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 9:58, 5 replies)

From my mother
"It's okay, as long as you wash your hands afterwards."

Guess what she was talking about :-s
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 9:56, 13 replies)

Best piece of advice from a friends dad
Never get drunk in front of a girl you like.

Because if you're like me, you'll throw up on her shoes, or just make a tit of yourself.
( Moonraker isn't the droid you were looking for, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 9:54, 3 replies)

An old man once gave this precious advice:
Make sure your brain is in gear before you say or do anything.
Try to always be polite and nice to people.
Make sure you keep in touch with true friends and steer clear of fair-weather friends.
Don’t look for trouble, but if you’re in it, make sure you come out best.
Learn to listen and keep your gob shut whenever possible.
Listen to criticism and find the truth in it and ignore the false.
Buy good quality stuff, but what you need, not for show.
Don’t get into debt - it’ll get you into more trouble than it gets you out of.
Don’t lend money to friends - you’ll lose the money and the friend.
And finally, as he put it:
“This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.”

A wise man that.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 9:53, Reply)

My Old Man
Once told me,
"Never shit and fall back in it"
It's bloody true as well!!!
(Jonny Wishbum had bad ear sight, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 9:48, Reply)

Acid Casualty
.
I was having a pint with a burnt-out hippy from the sixties when he gave me some sage advice about drugs.

"Just remember, Legless, not all drugs are good..."

Then he flashed a brilliant grin.

"Some are fucking FANTASTIC!!"


Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 9:43, 5 replies)

Rules of etiquette
One drunk night I got caught masturbating in a stranger's garden. An old boy collared me and said "If you want to wave your cock around, do it in a bloody brothel."
Applies to many walks of life, that principle.
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 9:39, 1 reply)

My dad
"Keep your thumb on the blade and strike UP"

"It's the same in knife fighting as seduction, the way to someone's heart is through their stomach".

More gems from my early (7-12) years soon!
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 9:39, Reply)

Three days
My mate came to work hungover one day, talking about how pissed he had been the night before.

An old bloke who looked like he had done the hard yards said "You ain't been drunk 'til you got three days o' shit in yer draws".
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 9:39, Reply)

Be nice to those who serve you
My nan frequently reminded me to be nice to cleaners, waiters, binmen etc as she was a cleaner in a big office for a good few years and those that were rude to her would get various random punishments, the best one being she swapped the ink from the permanent pens with those from the whiteboard pens in the guys desk drawer.

I am sure hilarity ensued with that one.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 20 Jun 2008, 9:33, Reply)