Daddy cool? Daddy fule...
Took a call from Ma Grouch one day. (nb - this back in the days of dialup). Being a somewhat fearsome woman, and not given to waffle, she cut to the point.

MG "There's a £60 phone call on the bill. It's an 08whatever number. Why?"

G "Erm. Um. dunno mum. Sounds like the number my computer dials for the internet."

MG. "You damn well know it's a dialup number. I ask again: why did it cost £60?"

G: "Erm. um. When was the call?"

MG: "Month ago last Tuesday."

At this point I wiped my brow and calmed down.

G: "I was away then."

MG: "I know you were. But your father was here, and he was using your computer."

The penny dropped.

G: "Mum - I think I know what what happened. Would you like me to talk to Dad?"

MG: "I haven't spoke to him for two days, so you may as well."

She puts a rather sheepish-sounding Pa Grouch on the phone. I put on my sternish voice - I'd been waiting for this conversation every since he caught me 'reading' razzle when I was twelve:

G: "What were you doing?"

PG: "I was looking at cars. I must have clicked something my mistake"

G: "No you weren't. You were looking at porn. Mum knows, I know and you know. Pay the bill, never touch my computer again, and I'll never mention it again - and in return you will never again mention the time I set your car on fire."

PG: "'k."... and he rang off.

Postscript: A few weeks later, I go home and got to my machine. Low and behold, dialers everywhere, and the registry peppered with virii. Took me days to fix - and all the time, all I could think of was my dad fwapping away, in my bedroom, to 'Asian Cornhole extreme'.

*Boke*
( Grouch would quite like his clients to stop being numptys, Mon 25 Sep 2006, 12:43, Reply)

working on the IT support line
for car dealers, who after a career of selling cars via paperwork only, now had to use a computer system (i worked for a charity that provided cars for disabled people)

come across every possible IT misconception and misunderstanding (many of them similar to urban myths). My fave being the dealer who couldnt get his computer online, and after going through the usual checking leads were plugged in, modem lights on etc etc etc it was worked out he was on a dial up, and using the phone to ring the helpline cut of his net.

ho hum.
(Mildred is a slimy, double-crossing, no-good swindler, Mon 25 Sep 2006, 12:41, Reply)

Oldie had probs with Yahoo Chat
He called in saying that our company had dropped a connection to the chatrooms, and he had no access.

So I told him that I had to test this out on one of our office testbeds; and with his permission I'd need his username and password to see if it works.

He seemed a bit sceptical with this, but he finally gave me "sexyyoungbanger3" as his username and something like "blowcum69" as the password.

Dirty fecking old perv.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 25 Sep 2006, 12:10, Reply)

security is for the young
I worked as the IT bod at sub office of a larger organisation. As such I had to deal with the numpties who got easily confused.

One such old fella had real issues remembering a password, which given it was both his login and access to the wider networked world it was kinda important he did.

I finally negotiated with HQ that we would set his password not to expire so at least he only had to remember it once rather than every 3 months.

Upon telling him his password and me drumming into him how important it was to keep it secret he stood up in the middle of the open plan office and shouted: "SO I MUSTN'T TELL ANYONE MY PASSWORD IS xxxxxx".

Me: "What did you do that for?"
Him: "Do what?"
Me: "Shout out your password to the whole office."
Him: "Well if I forget it someone else will know!"
Me: "Arrgh"


I had to have his password changed (again), this time I laminated it and cut it to credit card size so he could keep it in his wallet. Everyday he got it out and typed it one letter at a time like it was the hardest password in the world.

The password was his first name.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Mon 25 Sep 2006, 11:58, Reply)

Bad security
Part of the thing with tech support is security. Companies have to be very stringent on this, as big lawsuits can be flung at them if this is cocked up.

Our office has the barely-original "security word" system, which is basically "Can you tell us your security word please?" and if correct we'll blam them through whatever they need. Some of these words can be normal, some date-of-birth, some are like blowjob69.

One OAP rung in, and gave a DOB as his security detail. Making pleasant conversation, I ask if that's the date of his son/grandson or something (as it was fairly recent).

"No, that's the day I put my dog down."

Akwardest 10 minutes of my life.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 25 Sep 2006, 11:37, Reply)

Dinky dinno's do the dirrrrty....
When i was wee'er lassie at work i used to own a collection of rubber dinosaurs and every morning the dinosaurs had switched into very interesting positions. Anyway we had these old inhouse computers with the massive keyboards. On my co-workers keyboard (her touch typing skills weren't upto much) I used to insert the tail of the t-rex into the keyboard yank out some of the keys and switched them round. How i laughed when she thought the computer was broken. ANyway the boss walked in after an AGM with all the other bosses - i panicked. It all came out in the end and i had to sit there dinosaur in hand re-arranging all the keys whilst the bosses just stood there and glared. I was on fire with embarrassment.
(mistress ploppy, Mon 25 Sep 2006, 11:34, Reply)

Stupid old twunt
Working for a particular ISP; just before the broadband boom dialup was doing great, and with my company (for whom I won't name for obvious reasons) there was a huge backlog of people demanding dial-up registration disks. Due to the demand, our servers were at the time simply unable to cope with the strain, so we had to wait until they'd been updated before posting them out. The average waiting time for a requested disk was about 28 days at this point (at one point it was 6 months).

Some old bloke rings in, saying that he's just received his bill and that we've charged him for calls to the 0800 dialup service. He'd asked us for a disk, and the one we'd apparently sent him was one for FREESERVE. Basically Freeserve had sent out a free promotional disk as they normally do, and while this old bloke was waiting for ours to turn up one of these did instead.

I explained this to him, and he wouldn't have it. I told him that our systems say that our disk has yet to be posted yet, but he still wouldn't have it. He swore his head off at me threatening me with court etc saying that his solicitor will be in contact with me....I was like yeah sure my name is Jeccy, I'll be happy to hear from them and then he slammed the phone down.

Still waiting for that solicitor's letter, dunno why they haven't written yet :)
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 25 Sep 2006, 11:30, Reply)

My Mum is odd
Eccentric, brilliant, witty, intelligent and no, I'm not in the least bit like her.

She is a little out of date when it comes to the technology, though.

She's very scared about her personal information being hacked from her computer having watched one too many scare-mongering documentaries on Nigerian scammers and 2nd hand PCs. Recently, she bought a laptop to replace her PC and my sister returned home to find her in the garden, smashing up the PC monitor with a hammer.

She has given us strict instructions that in the case of her untimely demise, our first task should be to get into her work and delete all of her computer files, then return to demolish the laptop. Presumably with a hammer. Who knows? It could provide a cathartic method of grief expulsion, I'll let you know if it ever happens.

I sometimes wonder if this sweet, unassuming woman has a secret life as an online dominatrix that she wants to hide from us but knowing her eccentricity as I do, I'm inclined to doubt it.

I also heard her smugly boasting to a friend that her daughter's work made her carry a Blueberry at all times.
(littlemissmischievous, Mon 25 Sep 2006, 11:30, Reply)

I feel depressed
Every time I read some story or other about an IT guy laughing at someone doing something stupid with a computer I just fail to see the funny side. It's because I have a deep seated inferiority complex and secretly believe that the IT-literate people (who are becoming more numerous by the day) are laughing at me behind my back because I don't know what Linux is.

On the other hand, when I told my granny to move the pointer using the mouse, and she picked up the mouse, placed it on the screen, and tried to drag the pointer along with it.. now even I could see *that* was funny. How I laughed as I wallowed just for a second in my own smugness and felt, just for a fleeting moment, something of what it must be like to understand something, anything, better than someone else.
(yesyesyes, Mon 25 Sep 2006, 11:27, Reply)

Go Riff Raff, wish I'd thought of that one...
Anyway, I heard that my dad was having difficulty setting up Photoshop 9, so I thought I'd go round and give him a hand. Completely forgot of course that my dad is a manager of a small chain of photographic retailers (currently 8 stores are operating) and he was actually having difficulty setting up a 9th Photo Shop. First we stared. Then we smirked. Then, not surprisingly, we laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
(tinypod will never learn. Ever., Mon 25 Sep 2006, 11:08, Reply)

In me old job
An old bloke brings in his PC to the main desk. Tony the manager spies him, smiles and calls me over. "Ohhh, these are always classic Jeccy, have a gander at this" he says.

"Hello Ton" says the customer.
"Hello matey....have you brought your PC with you? They're always amazing mate!"
The customer goes out to his car outside, and brings in this sparkingly clean PC.
"Tony, I knew what you were thinking, so I've cleaned the bugger first before bringing it in."
Tony puts on a piss-take sulky face while taking the PC off the customer and places it on the main counter of the shop. He turns to me and explains that this customer always brings in the dirtiest and most foul of computers, and they always have a laugh at his expense at them. I nod, then see Tony starting to open the computer on the counter.

He removes the lid, revealing a complete box of dust and dirt; there was somehow some fucking earth in the thing, and to top it all off, a big spider web complete with a disturbed spider is sitting in the middle. The spider promptly gets off his web and walks across the counter in front of us, while we piss ourselves laughing and point at it.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 25 Sep 2006, 11:07, Reply)

Granny rings in
"Turned me computer on, opened me emails in Outlook Express and went into the kitchen. When I was in there, I could hear my 12 year old grandson laughing by the computer, so I come back and in the preview pane I was greeted with what can only be described as a photo of a woman pleasuring a horse. How do you explain that to a 12 year old?"

Don't need to luv, a picture says a thousand words.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 25 Sep 2006, 10:48, Reply)

Dad vs PC
last month my dad went out to get himself a PC to see what all the fuss was about. So he took his new PC home, tried inserting a CD and got himself arrested - turns out the silly old sod had only got a Police Constable instead of a Personal Computer. Oh how we laaaaaaaugghed...
( RiffRaff lurking like a lurky thing, Mon 25 Sep 2006, 10:14, Reply)

Internet Down!
I once worked for an ISP who will remain unnamed. Not only was I the Helpdesk Manager but I was the last line of defence should calls get too hectic. One day our switch broke basically meaning customers couldn't connect to the net. This old lady didn't really understand and was addement on getting me to check the settings on her machine that had been working till this morning!! As you can imagine we had hundereds of other people calling and to get this old dear off the phone I had to tell her that "The whole Internet is down today and nobody can get on" Strangely enought she took this as a solution and went on her merry way ?!?
( studlywonder, Mon 25 Sep 2006, 10:07, Reply)

when I worked on an IT helpdesk
one of my clients was an elderly vicar.

His operating system became Unix for the kingdom of heaven.

Yes well, none of the other posts are funny or true either.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 25 Sep 2006, 10:02, Reply)

Parents eh? The mirth neverstops!
My Dad rang me the other day to say that the PC in his car wouldn't start. PC in his car? Can't be right, so I went over to have a look. Turns out he was putting a CD ROM into the cup holder. How we laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
(tinypod will never learn. Ever., Mon 25 Sep 2006, 9:48, Reply)

More mouse fun
My granddad is 92 but he's a fast learner. Within months of getting his new laptop, he had taken apart the hardware and wired in an X-Box. Then he hacked into the Pentagon and started an actual land invasion of North Korea, using his hand-held games console to control the tanks and infantry. Next, he used a self-written hack code to access the CIA mainframe at Langley and tracked down bin Laden via cookies.

But - and this is the funniest thing - he refers to the mouse as the "cursor mover"!!! What an antiquated old fart, eh?
(frankspencer, Mon 25 Sep 2006, 9:39, Reply)

i suppose a lot of these stories will end up being be a bit tecchie
my dad's first computer was a BBC Acorn.
i think he used it a few times.
he kept trying to put his paul simon tapes in it.
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Mon 25 Sep 2006, 8:56, Reply)

A few years back ..
Old computer getting too slow. I purchase new motherboard, £100 CPU, CPU fan, more RAM, etc. Locate screwdriver. Assemble. Connect. Black screen. Take equipment back to store.

Receive the information that I had turned the CPU fan 180 degrees. Come to think of it, it did take some force to squeeze the bloody thing onto the CPU. Purchase new £100 CPU and let store geeks keep pitifully squashed £100 CPU.

On silent days, I think I can still hear them laugh in the background. Perhaps I shouldn't have told them that I'm a computer engineer.
(spinoza, Mon 25 Sep 2006, 8:40, Reply)

Chinese Old-Agers are Funny
I answer the phone, and get asked the question immediately;
"How you open bwoban?
"Errr...the BROADBAND is always open and connected sir. You just use a program that needs to connect to the internet and Windows should just connect through the broadband immediately."
"Noooooo, how you open bwoban?"
"If everything's working ok, it should already be open and connected sir." Something's a bit odd here, can't quite place me finger on it though.
"Nooooo. I got scwewdwiver in the side of bwoban, how you open bwoban?"

This old bloke had decided to take his leased modem APART for no fucking reason other than it looked warm. Stupid old take-away twat.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 25 Sep 2006, 8:13, Reply)

Another old bloke
Introduced the call, and the very first thing he said was;

"Now before anything, yes, I look at porn."

The problem; he couldn't get his e-mails....what the fuck has porn got to do with that, or was he just bragging?
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 25 Sep 2006, 7:51, Reply)

Elderly War Veteran
Well, not exactly war....

Spoke to this elderly gentleman who called up; problems browsing t'internet. Obviously this is a problem as he couldn't get to b3ta, so I had to get him sorted.

The initial set of checks involve me working out what equipment he's using, then if necessary start getting the person to do a few tests and feedback info; the first detail of which is the IP address. I find out he's using Windows XP and start off the rigmaroll;

"Can you click on the start button please?"
"ARRRRRGGHHHH, errr ok, done that."
(Slight akward pause)
"Errrr, can you click the run button please?"
"OOOOWWWWWW, right, what do you want me to type in?"
(Another akward pause, as I'm trying to work out what's going on)
"C...M...and D for delta please, then click ok thanks."
"AARRGGHHH, OOOOWWWW, OUUUCHHHH, EEERRAAARRRGH *cough* done that."
"Are you ok sir?" I ask, starting to get well freaked out by all the screaming.
"Ahhh, I'd better explain sar" he says. "When I was 17 about 50 years ago I joined the Army, and my first assignment had me sanctioned over in Africa. Everything was fine for about 3 months, until I got bitten by this very rare snake (he did say the name, but I can't remember it). The poison almost killed me, but I somehow survived and my nervous system was left totally in dis-repair."
"Sounds serious sir."
"It's left my body interpretting every feeling as incredible pain."
I resisted the urge to say "You must be a scream in the bedroom" and said "Oh there's a shame sir" as my weak responce.

The call lasted a good half hour, where I got him to move his pc checking the wiring etc, all with him screaming and crying while I'd got the manager to listen in and put it on the speakerphone in the background.

A for AAARRRRGGHHHHLLpha anyone?
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 25 Sep 2006, 7:49, Reply)

One would think...
That all the retards who -do- keep on putting cups in their blinking CD drives would have seen all the apocryphal tales about them on the internet, wouldn't you?
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Mon 25 Sep 2006, 7:12, Reply)

My worthless black-hole of an existence - applies to all you 'hilarious' IT people with your witty quips
During my time as highly respected I.T. monkey I regularly used to set up multiflopping-hyperthreaded LAN servelets tosspot incomatic wankfests (Beta versions) while simultaneously handling support calls from the drones who were having trouble with windoze.(see what I did, that's an industry joke)We'd always put their calls on speaker-phone so myself and my fellow colleagues could wallow in our own crapulence as we mutually masturbated in the tech room, the winner being the first person to spunk before the person calling I.T. support had said "Ok, I've turned it back on but I'm still locked out of my profile." Oh how we laughed as everyone looked so beneath us and I shot my muck into the eyes of the human spunk vessel that was our cleaner. How dare they be PC illiterate, they should've been shot on sight, leaving me free to go back to my delusory world of motherboards, masturbatng to downloaded images of cambodean whores and my own jacked up feelings of self importance. That's what helped me sleep at night, along with the endless laughs generated by making hardworking people feel small as I scraped them a few crumbs from my vast table of I.T. knowledge.

Of course, I grew tired of my career and I'm now self employed, developing a way of powering a small reactor using my own smugness as an infinite power source.

No apologies for length, read the fucking manual next time you low paid tramps.
(The Graduate Adding to the confusion since 1974, Mon 25 Sep 2006, 0:44, Reply)

Password Problem
An older man once came into work and told me he was having trouble getting his computer to work. I ask him to elaborate and he explained that whenever he tried to log on his keyboard wouldnt type his password in - "All i get is these bloody black dots"

Bless.
(yousuckattheinternet, Sun 24 Sep 2006, 23:20, Reply)

Tis computer related but not technical
When I started my first teaching job as an English teacher I was also given the job of teaching ICT. Because of qualifications? Nope, because I was the youngest in the school and would therefore know all about them there computers... Good job I did know something.

Next job I went for I didn't get (a bit cheeky really expecting to become deputy head when I'd only been teaching 2 and a half years...) but the Head did employ me as Head of ICT.

Not bad for someone with no qualifications in computery things at all. In fact, when I was at school I wasn't allowed near the typewriters let alone the computers in case I broke them...
( PagDrag don't think we're in kansas anymore toto..., Sun 24 Sep 2006, 22:13, Reply)

moi mammy sed:
"theres no room on the mouse mat to get to all of the screen"
( b3rnard - ambidextrous & dyslexic, Sun 24 Sep 2006, 22:01, Reply)