ok
so which is preferable, gorgeous face but the body of a "hippocrocadogapig crossed with a manatee" or the body of a goddess but a face like a bulldog licking piss off a thistle?

and the same question for girls??

bonus points for reasons as well....
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 21:35, 208 replies)

Define 'crossed with a manatee'.
NSFW girlie one isn't a hippocrocadogapig, unlike NSFW woman two.

And yet the porn industry would consider girl one 'fat' and even in the 'bbw' range, which is fairly insulting, considering she's just normal.

Personally, I don't see why a goddess has to be thin.

/Is a normal sized girlie

Edit: I also find it frustrating that I have to look for 'chubby' or even 'bbw' pr0n before I find a girl that looks remotely real. Jenna Jameson might as well be an android, she looks so fake.
( Bats, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 21:53, closed)

I'd have to pick body of goddess, but face like a bulldog...
its easier to place a paper bag over someones face than there body
(apo-dap, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 21:56, closed)

I tend to break thin lasses
So it's best they have some meat... the bite marks don't show up as much!
( jim_bob can herd cats., Sun 8 Jun 2008, 21:58, closed)

^ That!
Don't want them to find teeth marks on the bones.
( Cawl, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 22:00, closed)

I'd go for
Pretty face but body of a manatee as it's cheaper to fix the body through exercise than splash out for surgery for the face.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 22:05, closed)

Gorgeous face...
but body of a manatee, anyday. You can always put them on a diet...;)
(Janitor Sinister, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 22:06, closed)

^ Yep.
A meaty wrapper on those sweet, sweet organs...
( Cawl, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 22:11, closed)

...
To be honest, I'm slightly intrigued to find out if one of my exes qualifies as a hippocrocadogapig crossed with a manatee - does the ability to bend spoons with your thumb, and light matches from her stubble count?

If thats what a hippocrocadogapig crossed with a manatee is... then I'm not sure I'd ever go near one again. Theoretically.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 22:12, closed)

Zapiola
You feeling better today?
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 22:16, closed)

...
Somewhat. Had a long chat with a mutual friend of the girl involved and decided to avoid her for a while and see if we can just be friends in a few months.

Other than that pretty damned hungover and tempted to drink again... but work and study tomorrow sort of puts me off.

Thanks for asking though :)
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 22:18, closed)

Sounds like a plan
*hugs anyway*
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 22:22, closed)

Awww
Thanks. There are some really lovely people on here.

There are some seriously screwed up people too, mind.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 22:24, closed)

I tend to
hover between the two. Mostly veering for sweet and lovely though ,)
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 22:26, closed)

Mr. Z
I agree on the screwed up people, but the lovely people balance it out.
( Cawl, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 22:27, closed)

I think
we all know where I lie on that scale.
(Bazongaloid, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 22:27, closed)

Heh
Hovering is good. I wish I was hovering now, because my pounding headache wouldn't feel so bad.

Sweet and lovely? Ambitious :p
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 22:28, closed)

a thing of beauty is a joy.......
not a problem you'll ever encounter MsSwipe!
but the body of a hippocrocadogapig is always better, good diet and lots of fun exercise can sort out the body but nothing short of surgery will sort a boat like a bag of spanners! that said thank the good Dog that some women think the other way or i'd never get any!!!!
(The kneeling rifleman Is slowly getting there.., Sun 8 Jun 2008, 22:29, closed)

Ambitious?
I think not baby puppy, for I am sweetness and light itself and I'll kneecap anyone who says otherwise *curtseys*
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 22:35, closed)

I'm with Ancrenne
Looking back over my partners, I've gone for all sorts and types... as long as the mind is attractive, the body can go hang. Once the mind goes, the body is never strong enough to keep me with a person - I'd never stick with someone just to fuck a gorgeous guy/girl.

I sound like a self righteous prat there... it's true though. And my girlfriend has both a stunning body and mind - wahoo!
(Potty Jag har smör i min rumpspringa, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 22:36, closed)

What ancrenne said re liking person enough
Also what BatDyke said.

As for original question, I'd say "gorgeous face but the body of a "hippocrocadogapig crossed with a manatee" coz I'll be looking at the face most of the time.

But if a woman is fit, it does not matter how fat she is. Personally, I like some meat on the bones. NSFW girlie one looks nice!

* hugs Zapiola *
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 22:38, closed)

@beckyjsbx
In that case I defer, with some slight fear due to leg breaking allegations, to your sense of loveliness and sweetitude.

Also I don't think I've ever been called Baby Puppy before :)
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 22:47, closed)

I'm with Ancrenne too,
I may not be experienced in relationships or owt but whoever I go for or fancy is never usually based on appearance of any kind. Saying that, I've got such a low self esteem that I don't really want to do anything about the inexperience.

Goes to show what a nice guy I am that I think so little of most women that I don't think there are enough about with views similar to mine, 'ey?
(Belgaer is, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 22:48, closed)

A serious reply:
(for a change)

I don't care what someone looks like.
One of the most attractive things to me is when someone is happy with how they are.
( Cawl, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 22:52, closed)

.
Re Lovely vs. screwed up people balancing eachother out: That's Yin and Yang for ya.

@ancrenne re being changed: Yes. You get 'em told girl!

By the way, does anyone know a coctail that involves mixing alcohol with apricot-juice?

[EDIT:]@Kaol: Exactly (or at east if they're making a serious effort to be like that)
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 22:53, closed)

Mm.
I agree with Ancrenne - it doesn't matter to me so much about looks as much as it does about the person themself.
I'm getting sick of people who aren't honest, or ditch relationships without so much as a goodbye.
Abstaining from relationships until my faith gets revived somehow.
(Sundayturkey has the biggest mug of tea, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 22:55, closed)

more drink mixing advice?
This is becoming like an alcoholics club.

Hurrah!

Intelligence and humour negates the need for aesthetics.
( thealternativefact, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 22:56, closed)

@Kaol
Yeah, I agree, post this before but I think that confidence within oneself (obviously not overdoing it) is a really attractive asset.

So are huge boobs! *cough* sorry...
(Belgaer is, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 22:58, closed)

Re NSFW girlie 1
I just had a look at the top-page of www.chubbylog.com/ where the pic of NSFWG1 came from. And guess what, the page may be called Chubbylog but the girls on the top-right of the page aren't even fat. For fuck's sake!
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:00, closed)

@ Zapiola
Yay, I am win.

Scarily enough Kaol, I agree with you. I'd much rather be with someone who's happy and confident in themselves. Not to the point of arrogance, but secure in themselves enough that they don't feel the need to follow or copy other people or be influenced by others.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:01, closed)

@Misterspakkaman
Vodka or Archers is your friend for apricot based drinkage :)
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:02, closed)

Nothing wrong with agreeing
With me...

I'm right.
( Cawl, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:03, closed)

Yeah, I know
Just feels odd is all ,)
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:03, closed)

Personality
does count for a lot. Theres no point in going out with someone who bores you. Or if you bore them. Looks... well its all in the eye of the beholder isn't it? Everyone has different taste in a partner and if someone is really good looking but a total shit, then its probably not going to work.

Having said that I am somewhat bitter right now and may be disregarding my own standpoint for a while. Sigh.

@beckysjbx - you are win
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:04, closed)

*grins*
There're a lot of things that I'm right about.
I just tend to not give sensible answers.
( Cawl, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:05, closed)

@kaol
were you right about the size of tank you needed?
( thealternativefact, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:07, closed)

the hippacrocadogapig manatee hybrid
was taken from a post a few below mine...

i think in general women are less bothered about looks than men (with one exception, and he knows who he is if he's reading this!!), very few of the guys i've been out with were really all that nice looking, but they've all been very bright and funny.

but then i've got quite a few male mates who think women are much more into looks/body fascists than men.

i was being chatted up by some guy in a bar last night. his mate, who would have been hot if he was half as hot as HE thought he was, stagewhispered to him: "you can take this one but ditch the mingers," meaning two of my friends who were at the bar with me. both of them were 10,000,000 times better looking than he was. there is no point to this, other than wanting to rant about what a twat he was! sadly i was really really drunk and spent most of the night yelling "CUNT" at him after that... oops...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:07, closed)

I agree with the eye of the beholder stuff,
it really is that, I also find that my emotional feelings towards someone can make them even more beautiful than I found them before the feelings developed.
(Belgaer is, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:09, closed)

Loves Ms Swipe
For yelling obscenities at foolish boys
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:09, closed)

preening
in becky's praise!

what a nob. bloody ruperts and crispins braying all over fulham, reminded me why i never go out there normally!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:11, closed)

I'm not going to lie though
There DOES have to be a physical attraction there as well for me and I suspect for most people as you would need to be attracted to them in the first place to get to know them and discover what a wonderful person they are on the inside. Unless you're fucking one of your friends that is, but that's cheating.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:12, closed)

@Belgaer
EXACTLY

I've always tended to go for girls more on the basis of personality than looks, which has got me a lot of stick recently as a lot of my friends didn't think the one who turned me down on friday was very good looking - but she was (and is) to me, because her personality is so great. Other friends of mine tend to go for bimbos... no thanks.

Having said that the last girl who tried to chat me up (a few weeks ago) did so by punching me in the back of the head and asking if I needed a kiss to make the pain go away. Weirdo.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:13, closed)

@ Becky,
Intrigue about the person gets me to know them, then I start to find them attractive, then I get to know their personality more. Then they get to know mine and realise I'm a cunt. ;)
(Belgaer is, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:13, closed)

@ Mr Z,
ahh, cheesey chat up lines. You should have kneed her in the groin and asked her the same. ;)
(Belgaer is, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:14, closed)

@rachelswipe
I actually live with someone called Rupert... so I have empathy for you
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:14, closed)

yes
there has to be attraction, but once you know someone (either when you start fancying them or, other end of the scale, if they're a really good friend), you always think they are attractive. that's why girls annoy boys by always saying all their friends are gorgeous and then the boys get v disappointed!!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:15, closed)

@zap
christ. he wasn't twittering around fulham last night, was he?!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:15, closed)

.
Re confidence: I’m still a bit shy (although if I go with the flow, I quickly overcome it), but if there’s something on my mind, I let people know about it. Once I’m in the flow of things, I can be confident. I’m a bit of an oddball so sometimes I have to tone myself down a bit so as not to scare too many people away.

Anyway, this has inspired me to add a suggestion to the QOTW suggestions pile.

@ beckyjsbx & ancrenne
Thanks for the suggestion. Will try it sometime. Although maybe for me, pure alcohol mixed with apricot-juice might be good too.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:15, closed)

Belgaer
I get that all the time. Don't worry about it.

Mr Z, did it work? Not that I'm advocating violence of course
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:16, closed)

@Belgaer
Perhaps I should have... especially when she called me a, and I quote, 'a cunting student'.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:16, closed)

@Rachelswipe
I dont think so... although he did take 'the old jalopy' into London yesterday with his slightly inbred girlfriend to watch some polo. Today they spent the day in the garden bbq'ing banana's and referring to them as black men's willies.

6 weeks left living with them then I move out. Can't. Fucking. Wait.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:18, closed)

I find that I can either be
way too shy that I just sit/stand in the corner looking sorry for myself, or I'm too confident and come across as arrogant, it takes me way too long to get into a more comfortable mood that I rarely meet people 'cause I don't get a second chance :P
(Belgaer is, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:19, closed)

@zap
they spent the day doing WHAT ?

i'd be worried if i were him. she's probably fantasising about them.

i'd be more worried if i were her. how the hell does he know?!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:20, closed)

@Ms Swipe
I tend to be brutally honest with my girlfriends and tell them if they look shit in something or if they look like they crawled out of a hole covered in cabbages and bling - dont ask, long story - and I expect the same in return when they're telling guys about me.

Hence guys get a more accurate picture of what they look like - "gorgeous inside, but a bit battered to look at from time to time, but it's ok cos she's a star" was one I got from a 'friend'
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:21, closed)

@Becky
Weirdly no. Especially when she stole my cigar (twas at a College Ball and I and several friends decided to splash out on cigars - bad idea) and then started a fight with someone else. No idea who she was, but it proves my point that only weirdos seem to be interested in me.

EDIT: Yeah, they vary between mildly and deeply racist. The girl who turned me down is a British Indian... she called round a few months ago when I was out and they left me a note saying that 'Your coloured friend XXXX called round for you'.

You should see how freaked out the girl I live with is when an Iranian friend of my flirts with her.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:22, closed)

Mr Z
Aside from the obvious outrage and all...were the bananas tasty?
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:22, closed)

@Belgaer
Same happens to me too (although I'm mostly on the shy side). However, if I'm with many mutual friends, I find it easier to meet new people.

Also, when I'm backpacking, I find it easier to meet other travellers in youth-hostels than I do when I'm in some nightclub by myself. Same goes for any group of people who I have at least one thing in common with.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:23, closed)

Damn
I have a friend who's writing one of those mini books on successful chatup lines and is always looking for new ones to add to it. Would have been great if you'd gone for it.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:23, closed)

mmm
men smoking cigars. just walked past a gang of them outside the pub earlier on, so hot!

@ becky - definitely the best way to be. girls who aren't honest about how their mates look in something/act are either a bit too soft or, occasionally, have a nasty agenda.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:24, closed)

@ Becky
stop all this nonse sense! All wimminfolks are beautiful, in their own little way.

Sometimes. :P
(Belgaer is, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:25, closed)

@Becky
I dunno... twas a bbq for his fox hunting friends. I tend to avoid them like the plague when they're round. They tend to get very drunk and blow his hunting horn at odd hours of the morning. Oh and one night they stubbed their cigars out in my butter.

Meh... cigars hurt.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:26, closed)

.
@ rachelswipe
I hate people like the guys who chatted up you and yer mates. Overhearing the guy’s whispers is not good for the old self-confidence.

Women may not be into men’s looks much but sometimes, they can be obsessed about their own looks.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:27, closed)

Isn't going to go there with his friends
blowing his hunting horn as we could be here all night dissecting it. But I think I might try grilling a banana to see if it's tastyness.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:28, closed)

bbq bananas are lovely
esp with a dash of cointreau and some ice-cream!
( thealternativefact, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:29, closed)

Belgaer
No they're fucking not. Granted some are beyond gorgeous and even nice with it, but some are absolute trollishmanateeeatingforbreakfastwhorehounds
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:30, closed)

flambeeing
bananas over a bbq with lots of booze (brandy?) and dipping them in melted chocolate is very tasty...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:30, closed)

Mmm...
Thanks Clendrix, I'm going to make some now :) Will report back soon
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:30, closed)

....
@rachelswipe... good point... I do wonder how he knows. I think shes the perfect girl for him, she spent all afternoon knitting in the backgarden. He made her a hunting whip for her birthday.

@becky.... yes that had occurred to me too. But I try to be pure (as the driven slush)
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:31, closed)

Dunno if it's spelt right,
but plaintain are much nicer BBQd than bananas, they hold their texture better, or more, they lose it but end up with the texture of a banana as they're origionally rock hard.

I like my "Black men's cocks" with a bit of honey, myself.
(Belgaer is, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:31, closed)

Bananas
fried in rum and sugar is pretty good. I think thats the recipe. Its in some Caribbean/Latin American cook book I have.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:32, closed)

@ Becky
Like I said, sometimes...

As long as they eat the right bits, I quite like maneaters. ;)
(Belgaer is, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:33, closed)

bring on
the b3ta cook and cock tail book!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:34, closed)

Pears
Steamed/low boiled in sherry and maple syrup is lovely.

Ooo ooo ooo, or get slices of pineapple, core it, dip it in icing sugar and fry it, then get your blowtorch and caramelise it properly on both sides and serve it on a dry fried bready type thing.

/sweet tooth
(Belgaer is, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:36, closed)

There's already a website
where b3tans post their recipes... It's in someone's profile, I shall go find it.

Edit: Here we go... awesomeb3tarecipes.blogspot.com/
(Belgaer is, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:37, closed)

I guess you've not seen this...
awesomeb3tarecipes.blogspot.com/

EDIT: Oooh!
Nicely done Mr. B.
( Cawl, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:39, closed)

I was
supposed to make some Brazilian sweets called Brigadeiros to take into work tomorrow / bribe my tutor... but weirdly not been in a fit state to make them this weekend. They are great, Hot Indian Girl loved them... sigh.

All you need is:

1 can condensed milk
25g butter
25g cocoa power / drinking chocolate mix
Little chocolate sprinkle things.

Put the first three in a pan over a medium heat, stir constantly till the mixture comes away from the pan (should take 15-20 mins at most), take it off heat, leave it to cool enough to handle, grease up yr hands, get a teaspoon full of the mixture, roll into a ball, then roll in the sprinkles and voila!
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:40, closed)

Thank you.
You're not first at everything you know...

When you can't possibly cheat, I'm so much better than you. ;)
(Belgaer is, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:40, closed)

@ Mr Z
Most sweets are made like that. Toffee is just sugar, butter and milk/cream/condensed milk. Butterscotch is just butter and sugar. Things like humbugs are sugar, mint etc. It's amazing what you can do by boiling sugarry thingies and something else as an added flavour/texturiser.
(Belgaer is, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:43, closed)

I has tasty foodstuffs
Grilled banana, chunky monkey ice cream and baileys over it. Sooooo good :)
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:43, closed)

Thanks for the recipies
And thanks for the link to awesomeb3tarecipes

Mmm... sweetness...

Alas, it's too late for me to eat anything else right now.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:43, closed)

*Spanks Becky*
Naughty, naughty Becky...




You forgot to offer me some!
(Belgaer is, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:44, closed)

becky
yum - you certainly deal with your recipe advice promptly, don't you?!
( thealternativefact, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:44, closed)

@Belgaer
True. But these things are especially good. Although to be fair I'm not a big sweet fan. I don't even like cake. Which is embarrassing on my birthday
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:45, closed)

chocolate truffley
things sound nice. we should have a qotw bash where every b3tan brings something it cooked.

meanwhile, @ zap and rabidrodent and petitechien and every b3tard who has been dumped... i loathe selfhelp books. but i really really recommend "he's just not that into you" and "it's called a breakup because it's broken". i buy them for all my dumped friends! no magic tricks... but they do achieve the impossible by making you LAUGH!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:45, closed)

@ Rachelswipe
You're doing it all wrong...

You just wanna buy them a porn subscription and a box of kleenex.

Unless they're wimminfolk, then you get them a porn subscription and a vibrator.
(Belgaer is, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:46, closed)

Well I was pondering what to eat
and hot banana sounded pretty interesting. Managed to not think of it as cock either while eating :)

Seeing as it's real world food I offer you all the finest b3ta cake that will never run out.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:47, closed)

belgaer
That's not really how women work. Vibrators are always good, but vibrators and porn have never been good for me for dealing with breakups. Alcohol and cake however...quids in
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:48, closed)

You could have travelled to me in the real world
and delivered it by hand...

Saying that, it'd be cold by then, so I'd just have to show you to the kitchen and get you to make another.
(Belgaer is, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:49, closed)

...
Porn subscription? Meh. Gin is better.

@Becky... no thanks... cake is rank.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:49, closed)

Nooo!!!!
You've completely ruined one of my frequently visited mental images now. Thanks for that. :(
(Belgaer is, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:50, closed)

Damn my internet
My connection is dropping faster than I can keep up with this thread.
( Cawl, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:50, closed)

@beckyjsbx
Of course, you could have alcohol, cake, vibrators and porn all at the same time.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:51, closed)

kaol
thought you were being quiet...
( thealternativefact, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:52, closed)

Well
win some lose some.

Wondered where you'd gotten to Kaol
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:52, closed)

porn is for men!
my friend gemma made me laugh recently. she bought a digital camcorder and her bloke persuaded her to film themselves. they took it in turns to hold the camera mid-shag.

afterwards they watched it, and gemma said at first, when she had the camera, it was really quite romantic, views of the room to start with, then of their faces, writhing bodies, full frontal mirror shots.

then her bloke got hold of the camera. and the next 5 minutes was just a huge genital close up. of his dick pumping in. and out.

she was Unimpressed. he loved it!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:52, closed)

mistaspakkaman
That would surely be sensory overload and probably illegal in some states?
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:52, closed)

No.
I'm just being angry.
( Cawl, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:53, closed)

why
?
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:54, closed)

@Becky
Yeah but surely it must be a package holiday deal somewhere... with a complimentary deal for men too.

Most porn is fairly shit to be honest. Ever seen the Louis Theroux documentary on porn? Some real weirdos there.

A guy in my school was in to dog & woman porn... really really don't understand that one.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:55, closed)

That's one way to get the punters in
Wonder if they offer airmiles with it or if it'd be an aer lingus kinda thing...endless possibilities too.

I had an ex flatmate who claimed to be gay, although we never saw him with a guy who would only watch straight porn. And another who was into woman/horse porn. Friendly but a bit odd was how most people described him.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:58, closed)

Sensory overload?
Isn't that called an "orgasm" ? ;)

Dog and woman porn, that's illegal... Beastiality is illegal in most countries in Europe and all but a few states in America.

Beastiality porn is a hard one though, the laws are bizarre on it, it's all about possession of and production of and selling of and all sorts of shit. It's different in most places.

Edit: Hey, Rachelswipe, you know anything about the laws on beastiality porn so you can correct me? :)
(Belgaer is, Sun 8 Jun 2008, 23:58, closed)

Belgaer
How do you know so much about the laws of bestiality porn?
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:00, closed)

Yeah
which is partially what disturbs me most about it. I am also slightly apprehensive as next week a friend of mine is coming back from Sierra Leone and has apparently bought me Nigerian hardcore porn. I don't know quite what to expect
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:01, closed)

@ Becky
One of HumptyDumpty's posts had a link to some beastiality site and it got me wondering what to laws on it were... So I looked up the law on beastiality and necrophilia porn. :)

*hides his stash and tries not to look shifty*
(Belgaer is, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:02, closed)

If porn is for men, erotica is for women.
Porn can be part of a shared experience in a relationship if both partners are watching it at the same time.

I once heard a story about some guy who'se wife divorced him because he had become addicted to Internet porn. After the divorce, the woman became curious and had a look. Soon, she too was addicted to Internet porn. If those two got back together, they would have a lot in common.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:02, closed)

@belgaer
nope, i'm a property lawyer. i know about your dispute with your landlord; your rights to light and your tree roots.

nothing cool like gay horse porn...

the bedshitter used to want me to watch porn with him occasionally. fine, i couldn't care less if my bloke wants to watch a bit of porn, but it just doesn't really float my boat. still, i can fake it like any girl, so i pretended it was really horny.

some time later, i heard him saying plaintively, "are you aSLEEP???"

and i was!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:03, closed)

Necrophilia
Was only made illegal in the UK in 2003.
( Cawl, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:03, closed)

@ spakkaman
Not true, I enjoy erotica just as much as porn, it depends on my mood completely.
(Belgaer is, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:04, closed)

Mills and Boon
my sister wrote a story along mills and boon lines once. I think it was called something like "The Gentleman and the Colonel's Daughter's Snatch". Think it stands a chance of being published?
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:05, closed)

Get her to send me a copy and I'll have a read,
then let you know.

And I mean copy, as I doubt you'd want to get it back if I do think it has a chance of being published. ;)
(Belgaer is, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:06, closed)

ha
i wrote 2 mills and boons once. 50,000 words of "are you jealous?" she demanded, her heart hammering in her throat. he turned his head away, two telltale red lines whipping across those carven cheekbones, black eyelashes slamming down over those deep ocean eyes. he was jealous, she realised in disbelief, her pulse clamouring hectically at the discovery....

never sent them off though. apparently they are very choosy and as you can see, i didn't think they'd choose me!!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:08, closed)

I think he only knows
'cause he likes knives...

Edit: I saw a wierd documentary once, late night one, couldn't sleep. It was about a female necrophiliac. She didn't sleep with corpses though, she slept with skeletons, had some whole thing about how it helps her connect with the next world and shit.

Fucking oddballs.
(Belgaer is, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:08, closed)

@Belgaer
Actually, that was a bit of a generalisation. I too enjoy and get turned on by written erotica if it's done well. Some women do enjoy visual porn but many prefer erotica.

One thing erotica has over porn is that you can get inside the people's heads. Porn is just about showing body-parts.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:08, closed)

@ Mr Z
I guess say thank you and then build a big fire just for the tape.

@Belgaer Hmmm...

@ Mrspakkaman I can believe that. I'd rather go for porn that's well made with different shot types, locations and a good script than just blatant fucking from two angles. Ok maybe the decent script is pushing it a bit.

Kaol, that is genuinely disturbing to know
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:11, closed)

The official line is
"If they're still warm, it's fair game".
( Cawl, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:12, closed)

Does it count
if you put 'em under the grill for a bit?
(Belgaer is, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:13, closed)

No.
That's just wrong.
( Cawl, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:15, closed)

No
That's a whole lotta wrongness

Haha Kaol
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:16, closed)

@Rachelswipe
theres gotta be some set formula for mills and boon.

@belgaer... yeah, porn bought in Sierra Leone slightly worries me.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:17, closed)

*sighs*
There are plenty of artists that were under-appreciated in their time.
(Belgaer is, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:17, closed)

Porn
I’ve gotten to the point where I can tell if someone is genuinely enjoying themselves and not doing it because they’re being paid (or whatever). I get more turned on by someone doing what they enjoy doing in porn and having a good time. Maybe there’s a connection between that and liking erotica (or text-porn).
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:18, closed)

@ Spakkaman
Something I quite like is www.beautifulagony.com (nsfw). It's such an amazing idea and is very well executed. I enjoys it muchly, you can really tell they're enjoying it and it's what they like.

Edit: Yesterday we were discussing penis size, today porn preferences, what's the bets for tomorrow guys?
(Belgaer is, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:20, closed)

Ms Swipe
You HAVE to submit them and then tell us what they said. I'm pondering writing something for them, but fear I'd have to read more of their books to get a feel for their style and I really don't want to do that.

Mistaspakkaman, it's all in the details when it comes to textporn.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:22, closed)

@Becky
It can't do you that much damage to read mills and boon, surely? Aside from possible causing a slow transformation into Barbara Cartland that is.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:26, closed)

Porn really doesn't do it for me.
Nothing quite beats a powerful imagination.

Or actual sex.
( Cawl, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:27, closed)

I agree with Mr Z,
you can only go wrong reading too much erotica/watching too much porn if you're a bloke. Wimminfolk aren't as vulnerable to friction burns. :P
(Belgaer is, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:27, closed)

.
@ Belgaer
Thanks for the link. Had a look at the preview-vid in the top-left corner and it’s just what I had in mind. People being themselves and not doing anything for anyone else. Very nice link! * bookmarks *

The problem with commercial porn is that they’ve tried so hard to adapt it to the widest possible tastes that it just comes out looking very fake.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:31, closed)

Mr Z
Sure it can. It's cheesy badness that's just not erotic to read. I read two of them and was giggling at it the whole way through. Not turnonable in the slightest.

I prefer Literotica.com instead.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:31, closed)

@Kaol
Maybe it’s just that your imagination is capable of coming up with things no porn-producer would ever dream of.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:32, closed)

@Becky
hmm. to be fair I've never read a mills and boon, so all I'm going on is what my sister has said to me.

I have a very strange friend at home who writes his own porn... involving teachers from our old school... and full of sentences that would make a stevedore blush.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:34, closed)

There's numerous preview vids,
dotted amongst the 50 or so pages.

Also, the other good thing about that site is it's made by the people for the people, so to speak and they have recorded "confessions" too. Always interesting to know more about the real person behind the face.

As for commercial porn, I know exactly what you mean, people will do alot of things for money, doing sex they don't enjoy themselves amongst the list. It means you get women doing fetish porn or whatever... It's so bad that it looks like they're faking fake orgasms.

Edit: On top of that, there's nothing worse than hearing a director "whisper" very audible instructions to the "actress".
(Belgaer is, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:34, closed)

Another good text-porn website
is www.solotouch.com/

It’s pretty much focused on masturbation stories but there’s some good stories amongst the pile.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:36, closed)

@ Spakkaman
That site is flagged as red by McAfee siteadvisor. :(
(Belgaer is, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:37, closed)

@ mistaspakkaman
Maybe...
I'd offer you a view into the World Of Kaol's Mind, but you'd never be the same again.

The thought of someone screaming for the rest of their life doesn't sit well on my conscience.
( Cawl, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:37, closed)

Meh
Porn.

Its just reminding me of what I'm not getting with Hot Indian Girl. *cries*
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:38, closed)

@ Mr Z
Not true... Hopefully you'd both be enjoying it. ;)

I'm not really much help in these situations am I? Someone else wanna try repair the damage I just caused, please...
(Belgaer is, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:40, closed)

@ancrenne
Agree with you on that.
Although hookers are a mainstay of 90% of my jokes...
( Cawl, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:42, closed)

.
@ Belgaer
Do you mean because it’s NSFW? Although it does contain plenty of text-porn, I have no problems with that site whatsoever (but then again, I use Firefox). Can’t you override McAffee somehow?

@ Kaol
The prospect of screaming for the rest of my life does kind of put me off a bit, but I’ve learned to respect anyone who has an imagination, no matter how different from my own.

@ ancrenne
That’s why I have a preference for amateur porn. Also, there’s a greater variation of body-types.

@ Zapiola
There there
* hugs *
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:45, closed)

Mr Z
Hugs. She doesn't deserve you
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:46, closed)

Mistaspakkaman
Out of interest have you upgraded to Firefox 3.0 yet and if so what do you think of it?
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:47, closed)

@ Spakkaman
I use firefox too, McAfee site advisor is an addon for it which has ratings for sites based on how likely you are to get infected with a virus, green = no chance, yellow = they're unsure, red = VERY bad. I visited the site and could get on it, just decided not to click on anything. :P
(Belgaer is, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:47, closed)

...
@Mrspak, cheers

@Becky, meh, maybe not.

She has just emailled me though.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:48, closed)

If you've been drinking
I wouldn't mail her back tonight. Wait til tomorrow evening...that way at least she'll have all day to be checking her email wondering where her reply is.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:52, closed)

Hmmm...
Nope, never trafficed people.

I smuggled in a load of flick-knives once though.

Only got two left though *frowns*

Also, "It's when thoughts turn into actions that things change" has inspired a new sig.
( Cawl, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:53, closed)

@Becky
nah, am sober... work tomorrow. Will leave it a while to reply... she wants to meet and talk. Hmmm.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:54, closed)

.
@beckyjsbx
I’m waiting until they get the final Firefox 3.0 out. I saw a flash-animation showing off some of the new features, and I’m impressed with the new bookmark handling. Also, I’ve been told it’s less of a resource-hog than FF2

@Belgaer
Don’t know why it’s flagged as red. It does not make use of any unusual plugins etc.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:54, closed)

I smuggled some heavy shit once,
put it in my bottom to get past the airport security, shat it out when I got home.



Apparantly there isn't much of a market for human excrement, even if it was made in a foreign country. :(

Sorry, that was truly terrible.
(Belgaer is, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:55, closed)

It probably has nasty advertisements
in the form of popups, which firefox would block anyway if you have it set up to. But yeah... If it's flagged red I close it.
(Belgaer is, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:56, closed)

Mr Z
Oooh, interesting stuff.

Spakkaman, it's a sexeh sexeh beast and even plays nicely with vista. It's a hella lot faster than the last version I was using and looks a lot prettier too :)
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:57, closed)

.
@Zapiola
This could be the start of things. At least it will ease your mind for the time being.

@Belgaer
* spang *
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:59, closed)

Agrees with ancrenne
She is wise
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 0:59, closed)

@becky
yup, highly interesting.

Anyway, I must to bed... I have to tidy my room before work tomorrow as our arseclown of a landlord is coming around... not to fix the hole in my window, not to fix the sink, not to fix the broken rail on the stairs, but to see what he can take out of our deposit.

G'night!
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 1:01, closed)

@Belgaer
There are no popups or adverts. The only reason it might be blocked is because of the content. Maybe the filter is configured to warn if the content is NSFW.

[EDIT:] G'night Z
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 1:04, closed)

Nah, it's nothing to do with NSFW stuff afaik,
McAfee only blocks harm to your PC, doesn't do anything for NSFW or owt. It's solely for virus prevention.
(Belgaer is, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 1:06, closed)

Didn't hotmail dump mcafee
as it was unreliable? Or am I thinking of something else?

Night Mr Z
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 1:08, closed)

@ Ancrenne
Maybe I should do that with everything. So many times I put my foot in my mouth.
(Belgaer is, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 1:09, closed)

Night
Mr. Z.

EDIT: Is b3ta really slow for anyone else?
( Cawl, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 1:10, closed)

Hotmail virus protection is awful. Wouldn't go based on anything like that.
I've used McAfee for about 4 years now and only gotten infected about 3 times. (Considering I used to use alot of unsafe free porn before I got my card, that's pretty good imo.
(Belgaer is, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 1:10, closed)

@ Kaol
B3ta as in loading and stuff or as in people not talking as much/fast as normal?
(Belgaer is, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 1:16, closed)

Right
my copy of Prince caspian just finished downloading so I'm going to get to bed and watch that.

Night everyone
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 1:17, closed)

Night Becky,
sleep tight and enjoy your film.
(Belgaer is, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 1:18, closed)

Loading and stuff.
My inbox seems to be slower than a special-school bus.
( Cawl, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 1:19, closed)

.
@Belgaer
If you want free porn, you're better off with Usenet and Bittorrent.

@kaol
It loads just fine for me.

EDIT: G'night beckyjsbx
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 1:19, closed)

Don't need free porn anymore,
this was before I turned 16 and was able to buy things online and what not.

I pretty much just use beautiful agony these days though. So much better.
(Belgaer is, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 1:20, closed)

Oh...
G'night Ms Explosion.
( Cawl, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 1:20, closed)

It's gone quiet here
so I'll head off to bed myself.

G'night everybody.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 1:28, closed)

G'night mate.
*sits in dark QOTW room*

I guess I'm like the security guy on the front desk or something.
( Cawl, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 1:31, closed)

Night Spakka,
sleep tight.


Anyone wanna take bets on who's gonna be next?
(Belgaer is, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 1:31, closed)

It'll be you.
Because I can stay awake longer than you.
( Cawl, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 1:32, closed)

It'll probably be me.
Much as I don't want to sleep and I want to stay up and talk to you two, I'll have to go to bed at somepoint.

I wish I didn't have to look for a job. Someone gimme a job please? :)
(Belgaer is, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 1:39, closed)

I'd offer you a job
But you know what the chances of getting mangled in a horrible industrial accident are...
( Cawl, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 1:40, closed)

Do I?
I don't really want a labourous job anyway to be honest. I want an office one. I want to be clean and stuff, don't like having black fingernails and hands which have lines of dirt in from getting cut and having the skin heal over dirt.
(Belgaer is, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 1:41, closed)

Yeah...
If I'm not on b3ta, it's because I'm picking bits of human skin out of one of the machines.

Or at lunch.

Or both *grins*
( Cawl, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 1:44, closed)

That made me giggle more than it should have done. :P
Do you have alot of accidents then?

Edit: Nevermind, just realised, you're rarely not on b3ta. :P
(Belgaer is, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 1:45, closed)

In terms of how many
People we have, and how often they're on the machines, no.

Someone might put 500 panels through a machine in an hour, no problems.

It's when people get too comfortable, they get sloppy and make a mistake.

You can't afford to make mistakes when you're working with something spinning at 5000rpm.
( Cawl, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 1:48, closed)

83 times per second?
Really?
(Belgaer is, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 1:49, closed)

Some parts can do, yep.
People tend to not get injured on sawblades and that kind of thing, as it's such an obvious hazard.

Some tiny cog whizzing round though could whip the skin from your finger, just like pulling a tablecloth away, and leaving everything on the table.
( Cawl, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 1:52, closed)

That's pretty damned fast.
My grandad lost the tip of his finger to a cog... I don't know the full story as he doesn't often talk about it but it's something like when he was a kid at school (in Italy) they were cleaning the generator or somet', students job. Someone else slipped and knocked the button on and it started whirring away.
(Belgaer is, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 1:55, closed)

Some guy at work
Had a 3-meter splinter of wood shoot out the machine, and through his arm.

Looked like he'd been shot with a gigantic arrow.
( Cawl, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 1:57, closed)

I once stabbed myself in the eyebrow with a fork...
Was going "I want food, I want food, I want food" and banging my knife and fork on the table. Got a bit carried away and stabbed myself in the eyebrow. Got the scar still. :)
(Belgaer is, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 2:00, closed)

Haha, aceness.
Didn't the prongs stick in your foot and stop it from moving first though?
(Belgaer is, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 2:03, closed)

I managed to
Slam my head in a car door once...
( Cawl, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 2:03, closed)

I was once chasing a mouse through the house
when out of nowhere, as I rounded a corner, I stood on a mouse trap, then got hit on the head by a shelf. My toes throbbed bright red and a big oval lump grew out of my head.

Then I slipped on a banana and a load of plates, again, not a clue where from, started falling from the sky. I started trying to catch them on all four limbs but eventually I missed one and they all smashed on the floor.
(Belgaer is, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 2:06, closed)

Right, I've beaten Ancrenne
gonna claim 2nd and go to bed myself. Not worth competing with you, Kaol. Got no chance of winning.
(Belgaer is, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 2:20, closed)

It's a hollow victory.
As I'd rather I could sleep.

Night mate.
( Cawl, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 2:24, closed)

erm
A sense of humour and a smidge of self confidence usually is enough for me... I used to go out with one of the most beautiful girls i've ever met (don't ask me how i managed it, i look like crap most of the time) but I broke up with her 'cos she was bleeding annoying. I find that as I get older (i'm 36), I'm less interested in the physical, and more interested in whether they have a daft sense of humour, and how dirty they'll be in bed. But most of the time I'd rather be left alone, please. Oh and I'm single since three weeks ago, so feel free to contact me, blablablazzzzzzzzzz
(Alaning, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 11:13, closed)

'porn is for men'
*cough* *splutter*. Not if a reasonable number of the women I know are a guide..

As to either/or - neither - I'd rather have a wank than resort to that..

I'm not particularly shallow, and my partners have been all shapes and sizes - but if we're talking seriously hideously obese, utterly stick thin or a face that shouldn't be touched with a bargepole - no thanks.

Reasons are fairly simple - there has to be sexual attraction for relationships to work. Ideally it's best if they turn you on with their mind, but failing that it'll have to be their body.

Obviously, even if they have a great body the personality has to be there too. Taking the example of a woman who was recently trying to chat me up, who had an amazing chest and was very obviously trying to use it on me - assuming for a moment that she didn't also have a face only her mother (sat next to her) could love, there was also the complete lack of class, absence of any intelligence and similar quantities in her mother who also appeared to be a UDA/UFF sympathiser. Run away!
(EssY, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 12:35, closed)

An old saying...
It's not the face you're fucking,
it's the fuck you're facing.
(Lurkaloid awarded wanking black belt on, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 13:27, closed)

Curiouser and curiouser
One man's hippocrocadogapig, is another man's goddess.

Says the chap who prefers Cally to Soo-Lin, but still wouldn't kick Serverlan out of bed.
( DukeEuphoria Comes highly reccomended, Mon 9 Jun 2008, 14:22, closed)

I'm late
But only got to look at the NSFW piccies now. Number one, attractive. Number two, not attractive, but closer to a pleasing shape (down size before someone gets the wrong idea). Girls look/feel better with a bit of meat on their bones :D
(Teran Thinks Pogonophobia is funny, Tue 10 Jun 2008, 22:06, closed)