babysitting
it's scary to think that parents have given me absolute power over their kids for the evening. kids are so gullible. i've so far managed to convince various children that:
toothpaste comes from caterpillars
moths are the ghosts of butterflies
i am related to dracula
lampshades were made for dressing up in
gnomes are evil
butter grows in dark places
adults get twice as much monopoly money as kids
donkeys are aliens
and the list goes on. absolute power over children may not seem much to people in real positions of power, but it can be funny as fuck at times.
also, every child i've babysat could make a decent cuppa by the age of 7 ;)
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 8 Jul 2010, 23:27, 22 replies)

Haha, I used to do this when I worked with kids.
The forest was full of men who wanted to kidnap you, so always stay with the group
The pond contained a monster who would only appear when you dipped more than a finger in it, so stay with the group as they were the only ones who could save you
The archery instructor (actually me) would fling arrows at you if you strayed from the group
The earthball was made from the bodies of children who wandered off to the nature trail without permission
The tuckshop and all the chocolate inside was haunted, so best to stay away really.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 8 Jul 2010, 23:33, closed)

i do like the tuckshop one
i was briefly in charge of the school tuckshop with my best mate. they soon stopped us when they realised there was no money and very few sweets left!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 8 Jul 2010, 23:34, closed)

Same thing happened when I was put in charge of it at daycamps. I made a lot of friends and tamed some kids with Cadburys though, so not all bad

( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 8 Jul 2010, 23:37, closed)

we just ate the sweets and nicked the money!

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 8 Jul 2010, 23:51, closed)

awwww
Moths are the ghosts of butterflies

sad face
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 0:03, closed)

you should have seen the faces of the kids i told that to
one looked shit scared, the other cried!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 0:05, closed)

You draw your own conclusions
www.telegraph.co.uk/education/educationnews/5488501/Female-nursery-worker-arrested-over-paedophile-network-investigation.html

child abuse is funny =!
(waxdart hello., Fri 9 Jul 2010, 0:58, closed)

I weep with laughter, then I share...
Dear Smashmonkey,

I was an primary Education Officer on a nature reserve. 3 year olds to 11 year olds.

Favourite exchange:

Primary 1 kid: Miss?

Me: Yes?

P1K: You know clouds, Miss?

Me: Yes.

P1K: Are they made of loose water?

Me: Sort of. Good thinking. They are made of tiny little bits of water, very tiny, that float in the air for a while until they join together and fall down.

P1K: Sick (the new cool). Thought so. Could you walk on them?

Me: No.

P1K: Miss?

Me: Yes?

P1K: You know God Miss?

Me: ( fucksocksmagotybolloxburgers ) Yes?

P1K: Does He have feet.....?
(HaHa!Snakes! was last seen on, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 1:59, closed)

pfff
of course he doesn't have feet.
he's got flippers.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 10 Jul 2010, 14:01, closed)

My mother
told a little girl that the bubble gum at the bottom of the ice cream would wrap itself around her heart if she ate it. This was just after the bubble gum had been eaten.

The only flash of evil I've seen from my mum, but it brightened up my day at Thorpe Park.
(Scooby Don't, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 3:35, closed)

Children
are gullible fools and thus think the ice cream man is actually rolf harris....
(shake'n'bake Tally Ho, Biatch!, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 3:54, closed)

you mean he isnt?

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
(Lip Up Fatty Fatty Reggae still loves BBQ food on, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 8:06, closed)

There's no ice cream left anyway
as Rolf plays the chimes to let you know when he's run out.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 8:10, closed)

I need my eyes tested.
Again.

I read that as "ice cream is actually made of Rolf Harris".
(ThomsonsPier consumes, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 11:49, closed)

I saw that as well.....
(Lip Up Fatty Fatty Reggae still loves BBQ food on, Sat 10 Jul 2010, 12:08, closed)

if it was
i wouldn't eat ice cream
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 10 Jul 2010, 13:59, closed)

Children's lies
I have convinced children in the past that:

Santa isn't coming as he's had a motorcycle accident and died (on Christmas Eve).

If a child eats all of their dinner the fairies come out at night and take them for a fly....
(FF_Sam is currently on call...., Fri 9 Jul 2010, 9:52, closed)

My girlfriends mum
Told her that if she ate the seeds off a burger bun then a burger tree would grow out of her stomach, and she belived her.
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 10:57, closed)

oh yes
same thing with tomato seeds
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 10 Jul 2010, 14:00, closed)

This was told to my sister by her dentist
Although the tomato tree would grow from her gums.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Wed 14 Jul 2010, 20:04, closed)

Gnomes *ARE* evil!
I have documentary evidence that in the great gnome scheme of

Phase 1: Collect Underpants
Phase 2: ?
Phase 3: Profit

The "?" is invariably evil! I'm taking this to the police... wait, what was that noise?! Oh noes! They've come for me! Get off my underpants you evil little bastards AAAAAARGHaaaaaarghhhh....
(flimflam_machine, Fri 9 Jul 2010, 12:10, closed)

quick! hide the underwear!

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 10 Jul 2010, 15:23, closed)