*scratches blackboard*…So it’s puns ye wants is it…?

It started with a leisurely round of golf…

…I had just begun bashing away on the 2nd hole when I sliced my shot into one of the sand traps. However, as I wandered over to retrieve my ball, I discovered that it had plopped neatly into a momentous mountain of minging mutated man manure, which sat happily steaming away, resembling an Easter-time-special family sized Walnut Whip that was almost mocking me with its sheer size, curled consistency, rancid aroma and general nutty texture.

As I gazed in disbelief at this putrid sight, I was then distracted by a disturbance past the next tee and noticed a man naked from the waist down, squatting low and merrily gurning as he crimped off yet another stench-infested slurry pit from his wincing tea towel holder into another helpless bunker.

Of course, this completely put me off my game.

Incensed with rage, I approached this trouserless toilet-terrorist and twatted him with one of my larger golf bats, before bending down, scooping up the offending anal produce with my bare hands and shoving it firmly into the perpetrator’s (or should that be ‘poo-pertrator’s) face…rubbing it into his nose and forcing the foul and filthy faecal fiend to swallow down lump after lump of sweetcorn-peppered, puke-inducing ploppage.

Not surprisingly, I was subsequently arrested for violent conduct and when I appeared in court the Judge asked me what reason I had to justify my actions...

“Don’t you get it?” I pleaded in reply before continuing: “Everybody knows…’A turd in the sand is worth poo in the mush?”…

Unfortunately the judge didn’t see things my way…I was sentenced to 5 years imprisonment and repeatedly raped in the showers…

…


But it wasn’t all ‘fun fun fun’…Whilst incarcerated, my diet was atrocious, and in my starved state I was reduced to eating the odd-looking flowers on my cell’s window sill…not only did they taste rank, but unfortunately they possessed a powerful laxative effect that reacted terribly with my already industrial strength diarrhoea…and as my battered and gaping rusty sheriff’s badge barked ever angrier, emptying forth a veritable dirtbox deluge across my bed and walls, I considered the situation and realised that it was a sure-fire case of:…

‘The bot calling the petal cack’…

Upon my release I rented a small flat and partook in the healthy pastime of self-indulgent raging alcoholism, in particular I developed a penchant for a certain 'super-strength distilled aniseed flavour drink'; but I almost immediately started to suffer strange after effects…

One night…as I lay in a particularly rat-arsed slumber, I began to break wind with such verve and girthsome gusto that it would have made Bernard Manning’s rectum tremble with trepidation.

As the crap-a-licious collection of nose-bleed-inducing noxious bottom gas seemed to seep from my festering colon in what seemed like a never ending gassy guff-fest, it began to materialise before my very eyes into a visible browny-green cloud. It then hung around, lingering menacingly in the air. By the next morning before it had finally dissipated it had sprouted a little Civic, tootling happily around my bedroom.

Unable to cope with these strange circumstances, I immediately caned the liquor even more…hitting the Grande Wormwood pretty hard, and in my shitfaced state I scarcely realised that the same flatulence-related farcical metomorphosis was once again taking place within my rotting innards…

The next day I glanced across my bedroom and discovered that once again my arse fumes had ‘gone Twilight Zone’; this time creating a little Accord, neatly parked next to the Civic.

At this point I couldn’t stand any more. I went to the Doctors and explained my situation. He stroked his chin thoughtfully at my plight but it was only when I mentioned exactly what I had been drinking on the nights in question that he clicked his fingers and said: “Of course! It’s obvious! I know exactly what your problem is…

…Absinthe makes the fart grow Honda”



*loses will to live*

Disclaimer: I’ve been away for a few days, so I apologise if any or all of these godawful puns have already bindun…

In fact…thinking about it…I just apologise. Full stop .
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 10 Mar 2009, 12:08, 11 replies)

Hooray!!!
A good fucking read with my sausage roll!

Thanking you muchly, Mr. Pooflake.
( SpankyHanky, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 12:30, closed)

Awww...

As I said, I've been away for a few days...

Looks like I haven't missed much (present company excepted of course)

Can you recommend any good ones?... or shall I not bother trawling back through the plethora of wank jokes, old hat and regurgitated rubbish that this QotW seems to be choc full of?
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 10 Mar 2009, 12:34, closed)

As all the ladies say
the longer ones are the best...

Obviously my ones are fucking awsome! Hah!

Though in honesty the most exciting thing I've seen all day is Fish & Chip flavor Walkers crisps... Its remarkable what they can do with science and shit nowadays...
( SpankyHanky, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 12:36, closed)

Impressive length!
Liked the linkage between the puns, the alliteration amazed as always (see what I did there?).

There were a few goodies this week but there is a lot of dross to plough through before finding a shiny nugget of punny goodness. I was quite pleased with a couple of mine but legless and lolwhites had a couple of corkers too.
( Anthropos Was making beer on, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 18:37, closed)

There are a few good 'uns
trouble with a QOTW of this nature is it moves so bloody quickly it's difficult to keep up.

I'm quite pleased with my Star Trek one though. Pimps
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 10 Mar 2009, 12:40, closed)

Gotta click
from me, Sir.

Though I am quite tempted to hunt you down and give you a good kicking for crimes against pundom... Still, got a click.
( SpankyHanky, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 12:41, closed)

Cheers.
Crimes against pundom eh?

*grumbles*
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 10 Mar 2009, 16:44, closed)

Apology accepted
Now don't do it again.
(xanthine, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 18:05, closed)

fair fucking effort there Pooflake *applauds*
11/10
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 19:49, closed)

Excuse me, but...
...I think you'll find I made this exact pun several months ago:

www.b3ta.com/questions/common/post275566

*taps foot*
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 10 Mar 2009, 20:15, closed)

*checks*

Blimey!

I swear I didn't know!

hey ho - great minds and all that...

please don't sue
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 10 Mar 2009, 22:43, closed)