My Delightful Neighbour.
Mrs. Cat's Bum Mouth next door was a bit miffed when her convertable car ended up with some dust on it, courtesy of our painters sanding our old timber house in preparation for painting.

Not wishing to cause a neighbourly feud, I washed her car for her and apologised for the vagaries of nature's wind patterns.

As I was swishing away with the sponge, she started a long passive-agressive rant about the amount of noise our house makes, and how it lowers the tone of the whole neighbourhood. I quietly listened to the monologue, wondering where the fuck this was leading to.

Funnily enough, my other neighbour has never mentioned this noise issue at all, but then again she is a nice older single lady who plays good music, has lots of friends over and generally enjoys her life.

Mrs. CBM finally concluded that the source of the noise is my young ultra autistic son (no speech, but makes loud gutteral noises, not toilet trained, loves slamming doors and drumming his feet against walls and yes, he really does licks windows. God really should have taken more than 7 days to design our feeble immune systems).

She finished up with a rather patronising forced smile and said "really Ken,...you and your family should seriously consider moving away from this area".

As I was hosing the suds off her pretentious, shitty, wannabe "glamorous", fucking sad, middle-aged, mutton dressed up as mutton second-hand Peugeot convertible 206 , I brightly said "Well Mrs. CBM, it's your lucky day, as good fortune would have it, Oath junior is booked in for surgery tomorrow to have both legs amputated, his voice box removed, and desexed, so he should be no trouble to you at all, after all that!".

I beamed at her shocked expression, head cocked to one side and added "I can't fucking wait, you think it's loud in your house, fucking try living in ours. It will be bliss from now on".

Stupid cow. I may sue. Or perhaps just piss in her pool.

Apols for length.
( Ken Oath, Tue 29 Nov 2011, 3:39, 19 replies)

I would have destroyed her car on the spot
9/10 for self restraint.
( MatJ LOOK, Tue 29 Nov 2011, 4:11, closed)

Thanks.
It was sort of like being slapped in the face. Anyway, I'm kind of over it now. Best revenge is to live a happy life and fill her letterbox with liquid faeces at regular intervals.
( Ken Oath, Tue 29 Nov 2011, 4:27, closed)

a jar of coffee in her swimming pool works well if she has one.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Tue 29 Nov 2011, 5:14, closed)

Coffee you say?
That is a good idea. A caterer's tin of el-cheapo International Roast should do the job.
( Ken Oath, Tue 29 Nov 2011, 5:29, closed)

Watch out.
Even mild revenge on neighbours seems to get some members here rather upset!
(Kliper Filllets Getting noticed by twats on the internet since, Tue 29 Nov 2011, 7:32, closed)

I think it would probably be considered justified, in this case.
Arbiter of justice, that I am.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 29 Nov 2011, 8:21, closed)

Go on a wild orgy of destruction in her house one night.

( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Tue 29 Nov 2011, 8:39, closed)

You should totally cut off his legs and his genitals just to spite her.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 29 Nov 2011, 8:43, closed)

Or better still...
...I now wave to her whenever our paths cross, engage in overly polite greetings, ask her if she's had a nice day, be overly cheery towards her in general. She hates it, as she knows that really, I don't give a fuck for her opinions.

Given her inappropriate comments, complete lack of empathy and self absorbed concerns, it's quite ironic that she's complaining about living next to an autistic kid.
( Ken Oath, Tue 29 Nov 2011, 9:03, closed)

You should totally cut off her legs and genitals just to spite her.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 29 Nov 2011, 9:19, closed)

If I had been
standing next to a convertible car, with a hosepipe, being abused by it's owner . . . I'd have had a hard job resisting the temptation to fill the fucking thing with water.
(username failed moderation, Tue 29 Nov 2011, 9:06, closed)

Brilliant!
Jesus, that made me laugh!
( Ken Oath, Tue 29 Nov 2011, 9:08, closed)

This.
Is exactly what I was thinking.
( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Tue 29 Nov 2011, 10:41, closed)

She is just frustrated because she has to drive a 206
its not her fault that she is a dick
(dontmesswithmytoottoot, Tue 29 Nov 2011, 11:23, closed)

True.
It just doesn't have the same panache as the Honda Accord, and she aint no super model.
( Ken Oath, Tue 29 Nov 2011, 12:18, closed)

What?
The car, or the neighbour?
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Tue 29 Nov 2011, 13:56, closed)

More Brilliance!
That made me laugh too...a hosepipe up the bum would've changed the tone of the conversation.
( Ken Oath, Tue 29 Nov 2011, 14:34, closed)

What's the immune system got to do with it?
Deepest sympathies over the autism, but I thought everyone knew now that Wakefield made all that shit up for money.
(ubergeekian, Wed 30 Nov 2011, 12:22, closed)

Autism is a very strange condition..
..both my sons are blessed with Autism, and both present very differently from each other in regards to symptoms.

Personally, I have a general feeling that faulty genetics, certain failures with under/over development of the brain and intolerances to certain foods groups all contribute towards a pre-existing condition. It's a whole mix of influences that slowly changes over time.

It was a bit of a glib throw away line...Wakefield is a strange bugger and I am glad his research was found to be crap. I never really suscribed to his notions anyway.
( Ken Oath, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 2:19, closed)