Failures of humanity
When Ken Livingstone was going to extend the congestion charge in to West London, one woman appeared on the local news complaining that "It'll cost me £8 just to drive a mile to the gym!"

What makes you despair for the future of the human race?
(Axeman Jim, Wed 29 Oct 2008, 17:50, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Redo
Dad jokes, it's about 5 years since it was originally asked, and there are a hell of a lot more subscribers and viewers since then (and I still think it was one of the best questions). Remember - No fucking ice cream vans!
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Wed 29 Oct 2008, 14:59, Reply)

A voilent one
Who would you like to kick up the bum really hard, and why?
(GONEism, Wed 29 Oct 2008, 14:04, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

How about...
something open, like: "Bread - tell us your story which has to have some reference to bread in it."

Like they do with the image challenge sometimes. There was "Hats" wasn't there. This would give us a bit of a breather from the rant style of question/answer we've had for a couple of weeks.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Wed 29 Oct 2008, 13:45, Reply)

The Machines And Us
We've filled our world with machines. we can't live without them. How do we live with them? We swear at them, obviously, but what else?

Have you given your car a name? Do you try sweet-talking the toaster to toast faster?
How about blaming the grill when you nuke the sausages?
PS - anthropomorphising sex aids is right out.
(Naughtius Maximus Stuck on the blog, desperate to log out., Wed 29 Oct 2008, 13:17, Reply)

Snow stories
Last night's flutter of snow sent me back to the nostalgic days of proper snowfalls, lakes frozen solid and ice-packed snowballs landing squarely in the face of unsuspecting mates.

Tell us your tales of winters past.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 29 Oct 2008, 9:23, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Morons at work
I once worked with a person who told everybody how healthy she was. At lunch we watched her tip half a tonne of salt on her salad each lunch time. So I hid salt shaker in the false ceiling...

Have you encountered someone blindly stupid at work?
(tech_junky, Tue 28 Oct 2008, 17:11, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Oddballs
My girlfriend once refused to speak to me for 48 hours because she dreamt that I cheated on her.

What's the strangest reason somebody's had for falling out with you?
(jamesthegill opens new tabs with his scroll wheel, Tue 28 Oct 2008, 16:12, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Eco-cunts
Work took away our water cooler because it was "bad for the environment and we want to be carbon neutral". 80% of the employees now buy bottled water and there are no facilities for plastic recycling.

What have the eco-worriers done to make your planet a little less enjoyable?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 28 Oct 2008, 14:03, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

cunning linguistics
I've suggested this one before, but how about total utter cockups when trying to speak another language.

My Granny once bellowed 'dog-cocks' in cantonese at her new in-laws in a misguided attempt to say good morning.

My Father also took me into a restaurant once and declared to them that I eat children. He meant, of course, vegetables, but that didn't stop the shop owner looking horrified for a few moments.

I want to hear what horrific things you've ended up saying by mistake. Please!
(teasus likes tea, Tue 28 Oct 2008, 14:02, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

GRASS CUTTING!
"Oh hey Damien, I'd like you to meet Sarah. She does the same course you are doing!"

Big mistake.

When was victory/tail snatched away from you at the last second, or if it was a systematic destruction of a sure thing at the start of the night and is now seeing you going back home to Mrs. Palmer and her 5 daughters.

Has this caused a rift between you and a mate? Have you done it yourself? Discuss.
(lemonadegame, Tue 28 Oct 2008, 1:02, Reply)

How are you going to change the world as President?
On November 4th, there will be a historic election for our US cousins which will affect the world.

If you were made President, what would your first day at the office entail?

I personally would make peanut butter M&Ms free for all, and make a presidential decree that John McCain would be forced to fold his wattle over his head and run around Times Square between 9 and 5 every day for 4 years.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Mon 27 Oct 2008, 18:34, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Local Nutters
Every town has them. They are usually seen wandering the streets, drunk and singing. The town I used to live in had a lycra wearing woman who used to wander about drunk at all hours of the day whilst singing made up songs at the top of her voice.

However the town I now live in has gone one better. There's a chap who dances next to the main roads in to the town, with his top off (he's at least in his mid fifties), drunk whilst listening to an ancient walkman with headphones straight out of the 80's.

He's so popular that he's got hundreds of fans on FaceBook and was recently asked to open a new shop. Although I'm not sure that inviting a mentally ill drunkard to launch your business is the wisest of moves.
(brainwrong, Mon 27 Oct 2008, 14:59, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Law
How about "Laws we'd like to see". Like the banning of Burberry, compulsory spelling tests for people who make signs, the tatooing of estate agents (so we don't have to socialise with them) etc. What do you think?
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Sun 26 Oct 2008, 14:12, Reply)

qotw
weird regulars in pubs!!
(postiesteve, Sun 26 Oct 2008, 7:47, Reply)

amateur science!
we've all tried to do something sciency in our sheds,back-gardens or cupboards,in the hope of winning a nobel prize or becoming rich!
'tis true
(Fuckpig "That's not even a pound a midget.", Sat 25 Oct 2008, 23:51, Reply)

I second zombie madness!!!
Or at least what would you do in a "society has broken down" scenario?

For the love of christ give me zombie madness!
(Grove is the collector of WOO and hoarder of YAY, Fri 24 Oct 2008, 15:20, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Your sex ed lesson
I can remember our first - and only - lesson. A video of a family playing a game (volleyball?) on a beach. I'm desperate to find it online so I can see if it's still as hilarious 20 years on.

What did your school teach you to expect from The Deed?
(nadgers, Thu 23 Oct 2008, 16:10, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

More zombie madness
So, zombies are here and they're here to stay chewing their way through every last one of you.

What do you do? Last party before the world ends? Get yourself a shotgun and a machete and go out blazing? Or get yourself to a place where no human has ever set foot and set up a new "pure" settlement.

Tell uncle B3ta what you think would really happen should the undead come back for a 6 billion course at your expense.
(Helo, Thu 23 Oct 2008, 16:06, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Funniest Spam Emails
I can't help but laugh at some of the Spam I get. People with male names claiming to be beautiful russian girls looking for love.

Then there are the Phishing mails that are so badly written they might as well just say "give us your private details, we no crooks or bad peoples - really".

Then there was the one with the subject line "IM Tiny Baby" - I don;t even want to know what was in that one.

What was your funniest Spam?
(WholeGrain Using the same sig since, Thu 23 Oct 2008, 15:57, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Selfishness
What great lengths have you gone to, to make sure something goes your way?
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Thu 23 Oct 2008, 15:42, Reply)

The lengths you've gone to for the sake of a girlfreind/boyfriend.
I don't mean the biggest gift or most money you've spent, but the things you've done, just to see them that night.

My example would have to be when i knowingly stranded myself in an unfriendly town, with no money or place to stay, on a cold night in December.

I didn't even have a coat and i knew that after she left, I would have to wait, alone, in almost sub zero temperatures, for up to 5 hours, until the trains started again.

After almost an hour on a park bench, i realised it would not only be impossible to sleep, but impossible even to stay sitting still, as the cold was becoming unbearable. I knew i was no way within walking distance of home, but i knew i had to keep warm.

So the next 4 hours saw me walking the same 2 or 3 mile circuit around town, shivering my nips off, with the song All Night Long by Lionel Richie mercilessly repeating itself in my head.

It was worth every moment.
(ShitBitch, Thu 23 Oct 2008, 9:59, Reply)

Stealing from work
have we had that?

Thanks to my last-but-one job, I haven't had to buy toilet roll for 18 months.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Thu 23 Oct 2008, 6:29, Reply)

OCD
What do you get OCD-y about and do you know why?
(GONEism, Wed 22 Oct 2008, 20:41, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

pea-roasted and paraphrased
A mate of mine could squeeze his penis, force real hard and then hit the school-toilet ceiling with a jet of piss.

Being 6, it was quite possibly the funniest thing I'd ever seen.

In a bid to cheer up the misery and splenetic outpourings of recent QOTWs, anybody have any good nob-related anecdotes?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 22 Oct 2008, 19:40, Reply)

if you had more confidence at the time
what would you have done differently?
(Sebastiano, Wed 22 Oct 2008, 17:56, Reply)

Halloween Tales
With Halloween round the corner I think it is time to hear your best trick or treat or Halloween moments
(AdmiralPellaeon, Wed 22 Oct 2008, 17:55, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

What's the funniest story you've ever been told?
Or that you've told to someone else?

After all of last weeks abuse, let's lighten the mood a little, and make each other chuckle once more.

Bring on the good times....
(leglesss let that be a lesson to you, Tue 21 Oct 2008, 22:14, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)