Car accidents
I'm dying to tell the story of my aunt Madeline who drove into an 8 foot hole, and my various other relatives that are defying logic by still being alive. Except aunt Madeline. She died of a surprisingly non-car related reason.
(mariam67, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 19:55, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

SEX TOYS.
Come on, I know you've got it in you.
(lanternchikk hat eine schwere Bohlenallergie, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 17:03, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Dear Moderators
Can we please have a question that isn't a load of old donkey cock this week?

Thank you
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 26 Mar 2009, 15:01, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Pissups in Breweries
At my Chinese university, organisation is of a pisspoor standard; examples include no campus tour on arrival in September, being given the handbook for settling into this remote city about a month after arrival, by which time we'd figured most of it out by word of mouth, the timetable for this semester changing almost weekly because one teacher is away or another has replaced them, and class outings to culturally interesting places planned with almost no warning whatsoever (yet they are surprised when no one can make it).

At the Chinese post office I can't send items if I've written the address in red ink, you can't pack a parcel at home it must be done in the post office in front of them because theyve never heard of X-rays, there's only an "international" counter in two post offices in a city of 3 million people, and you can't send anything other than letters inside an envelope (I tried sending two slim felt pens once but was told I would need a box). They say these are their "regulations" but I've never seen them written down anywhere.

Oh and the woman sneezes down herself and any mail in front of heron a regular basis but apparently *that's* allowed.

What tales of bureaucracy and epic mismanagement have you encountered?

(if this gets chosen feel free to shorten it a bit, i went ranty. ta)
(zenmeban thinks the weather could be better, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 6:53, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Flounces
One of my colleagues flounced spectacularly out of a meeting today, sweeping his jacket off the chair and tossing his hair as he stormed "unprofessional!" at us all on the way to the door. What flouncing have you done or witnessed?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 21:45, Reply)

An unfunny one, but full of hidden depths...
Tell us your stories of unrequited love... Who, where, what and why and how it ended. Prove to the world there can be a happy ending (or otherwise!)
(hangableautobulb is an anagram of the best album ever, on, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 15:52, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Brown Trouser Moments
You know the drill - spill your guts, people...
( SpankyHanky, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 13:57, Reply)

Weird ideas
While I was on the bog the other day, it occured to me that when you take the word ‘weapons’, and spell it phonetically, ‘weppins’, it looks like a name you’d give to a pet rabbit.

What really, really, REALLY weird thoughts have you had?
(mudskipper, Wed 25 Mar 2009, 1:40, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Pub Quiz
Everyone on the planet has at least once in their life attended a quiz in a pub. Tell us your stories.

What was the weirdest question you've ever had, the funniest answer, the best team name, or just your hilarious anecdotes?
(narna ... the cunning linguist, Tue 24 Mar 2009, 15:22, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Under the influence
We've all shagged someone we shouldn't have, stolen inexplicable items or driven into something fallen off our BMX while pissed or off our tits, right?

Spill the beans, but not your guts, here.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Tue 24 Mar 2009, 7:55, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

The Rut
I have recently been approached to be best man for a mate. Part of this includes arranging a suitable stag night. What are your fond (or otherwise) memories of a stag night (your own or others). We could take this as an ideal opportunity to worry those B3tans about to undertake this greatest of traditions.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 23 Mar 2009, 10:50, Reply)

Getting you there
Sometimes, orgasms come (cum ?) speedily, other times (especially with age / alcohol / drugs / boredom) it takes a while to achieve mission success.

So, prompted by the current FP picture of Gazza's best wank, what images / memories come (cum ?) into your head to guarantee success ?

[Edit] By sharing these images, it could be like swapping old p0rn - without the sticky pages.

Not saying mine unless it becomes QoTW. You have been warned !
( I_Was_Mordred, Sun 22 Mar 2009, 22:22, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

The rumour mill.
One of my housemates got sacked left his bar job due to difference of opinion. My other housemate also works there, fed up with the punters constantly asking about them he decided to tell them that he fell down the stairs, banged his head and fell unconscious, he awoke to find he'd broken his ankle and shat himself. As he's jobhunting he's keeping himself to himself, so other friends have been asking about him, and I've been running with it.

What rumours have you constructed?
( Slippery Mick ‏, Sun 22 Mar 2009, 21:40, Reply)

Shite service
bindun?

I once paid a fortune for a lovely basket of flowers for my mother in hospital, coughing up extra for pre-operation delivery.

I'd picked it out of the Interflora catalogue so couldn't tell how big it was, but found on visiting her that it was about the size of a teacup!

When I complained the florist sniffed that I'd chosen it myself so it was my own fault. I started gibbering with rage and she eventually shoved a placatory bunch of chrysanths at me and bundled out of the shop. Gutted.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sun 22 Mar 2009, 14:13, Reply)

Embarassed by children
Middle Aged ladies magazines like Woman's Own and Woman's Realm, always have a section for "cute things kids say".

Well what about the mortifying awful things kids say that embarrass you to the point of stuttering.
( Roland E O'Dorant R Tape loading error, 0:1, Sun 22 Mar 2009, 0:16, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Camping
I'm going camping over Easter as part of my attempt to climb Scafell pike (the tallest mountain in England).

Anyone fancy providing me with a litany of horror stories before I set off?


Oh and if this question is chosen I promise to to post a embarrassing tale about public urination that is camping related.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Sat 21 Mar 2009, 17:19, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Irrational fear.
I am having work done on my bathroom atm and as such have had to remove a floorboard to access the pipes.

While having a shit the other day I wondered "What if spiders came up from the floor space and have hidden under the seat and are waiting for the chance to crawl up my bum?".

Irrational, unlikely and verging on insane but I've not had a comfortable poo for 3 days now. What are yours?
(SpunkyMcSpunkbubble Diddled your nubbin on, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 16:21, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Something not shit
Please?
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 19 Mar 2009, 14:30, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

String!
There are literally dozens of types of string on the market. Blue string, green string, white string, blue string soup... what's your favourite type of string? Have you had any string related disasters, like running out and so you had to resort to using sellotape? Or, worse still, Blu-Tak?

This question is good as it will give you the opportunity to veer slightly off topic and talk about rope, which is like string, but thicker. Or perhaps shoelaces and cord, which are a bit more like string, but feel different.

Or even string theory, which isn't real string at all. In fact, it's really quite complex and stuff and girls probably wouldn't understand it. I know I don't, and I'm not even a girl. Oh no. PenguinOfDeath and Enzyme probably do, so they'd be off in their own little string theory thread (thread's sort of string like) making string theory related puns and stuff while everyone else reads on and thinks "What the fuck are they on about?" Meanwhile, the Goat would come in and tell everyone that string isn't real and the world is going to end tomorrow and the government are really lizards before getting his arse kicked in an intellectual orgy of words.

Then Bert would probably masturbate over everyone and it would be Thursday before you know it.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 19 Mar 2009, 13:23, 15 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I R Genius
Every now and then, along come ideas, that seem like utter genius at the time..... Until you nearly lose your fingers trying them.

Did you give your lawn mower a tune up, ride the dodgem cars at the fair whilst drunk, or simply try to smoke a cigarette on a motorbike.
(nibblet99 is avoiding work on, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 13:19, Reply)

Farce!
Sometimes, you just couldn't make it up. Tell us your farcical tales of woe.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 11:59, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

This one time, at Band Camp...
Ah, the school trip. A large group of children, minimal adult supervision, and an unholy amount of sugary drinks can only end well. what happened when your parents entrusted you to the care of the school?
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 11:58, Reply)

You're going home in a fucking ambulance!
We've all been in accidents. Some of us have even been injured quite badly. So go on, share your stomach-churning, ball-tightening, teetch-clenching tales of injury with us.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 11:58, Reply)

Things you've done for money
I was once paid to be a sign at Silverstone, holding a dayglo arrow to direct cars. I managed to fuck that up and sent a shitload of cars the wrong way on a one way system, causing the whole of outer Northampton to seize up in a fucking huge traffic jam.

What adventures have you had to earn a crust?
( SpankyHanky, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 11:08, Reply)

Perfect timing…

When fate’s fickle folly falls at your feet and you couldn’t have planned it any better.

What has happened to you as a consequence of being at the 'right place at the right time?'

...or better yet, the wrong place at the wrong time?
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 19 Mar 2009, 10:34, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Credit Card
I awoke one morning to find my computer on and my credit card next to the keyboard, a quick check of my email showed £553 of drunken purchases. What have you bought inebriated online and then wished you hadn't?
( Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 1:26, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

In the name of love
I starved for 48 hours, got burnt hands and a giant needle inserted in a vein, all to help my girlfriend with an experiment for her research. What have you done in the name of love?
(Smale is stuffed, Wed 18 Mar 2009, 21:50, Reply)

What Demographic of Society
Would you like to have painlessly sterilised?
I'm not a Nazi but I would hate to meet the infants of people who play music on their mobile phones in public, so I would have them sterilised, personally. How about you?
(Snake (on a) Crane FKA thwack, Wed 18 Mar 2009, 19:15, Reply)

durty secrets
I've got a durty secret. I can't possibly tell you lot, not unless you show me yours first. Spill 'em.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 18 Mar 2009, 15:40, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Collective forgetting
When I was on holiday with my mum when I was 16, she ate some dodgy mussels in a restaurant and on the walk back to the hotel I had to hold a coat to cover her up from the gaze of assorted winos as she took an impromptu dump in the doorway of a San Francisco convenience store.

Tell us about the moments that were so awkward/horrid, they're never spoken of...
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Wed 18 Mar 2009, 13:54, Reply)