Fruit 'n' veg
So many different fruits and vegetables. So many different uses. What's the most unusual thing you can think of to do with a piece of fruit/veg?

I'll start with a suggestion by one of my students, which involves sharpening a parsnip so it resembles a stake, stabbing your enemy with it, then roasting and eating the evidence.

Side dish of enemy optional.
(judeski walked on water and ran through fire, Wed 1 Apr 2009, 1:04, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Fashion
We've all dressed up like twats at some time in our lives in the pursuit of fashion.

Please, share, it will ease the pain.
( SpankyHanky, Tue 31 Mar 2009, 16:47, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Science
Makes the world go round, makes you more attractive to the opposite sex, kills people, saves people, makes the world smaller, answers questions that have plauged humankind for millenia -

Fuck that, all I learned in science class was how to make a water-powered rocket from a washing up liquid bottle.

Science.

Tell us your science-related anecdotes (and the first person to mention practical biology lessons will be shot).
( SpankyHanky, Tue 31 Mar 2009, 16:41, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Just
Bullshit.

Who can come up with the most ridiculus "true" stories?
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Tue 31 Mar 2009, 16:36, Reply)

Hitchhiking
Most of us will have done it, No3l still does. So what are your stories? Scary? Funny? Heartwarming (on b3ta?)? My best memory is bittersweet, dumped form a lorry in the middle of nowhere (countryside near Flamborough Head) and almost straightaway picked up by a racehorse trainer in a Lotus Europa. Who got the apprentice jockey to sit on the shelf behind the seats so he could give me a lift. Good times.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 31 Mar 2009, 10:42, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Burn Baby Burn!
Pyromania is a driving force in the formative years of people everywhere.
So, did you set fire to the dog?
Immolate a small child?
Let's have your tales of flame-based goodness.
( Cawl, Tue 31 Mar 2009, 9:18, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Social Gaffs
One time I was in a West Indian social club with my black mate, Dan. The Spice Girls came on the stereo, being pissed I stood up, did the hand sign, got my words mixed up and declared: "White power!" Before promptly falling back in my seat.

I thought I was going to die.

Tell us about your social gaffs, extra points for life-threatening situations, or posts including beastiality.
( SpankyHanky, Tue 31 Mar 2009, 9:00, Reply)

Life's little pleasures . . .
From managing to catch the last bus on Friday evening after work, to a cup of tea on a Sunday morning with the papers, what are the "little things" in life you appreciate?
( Mrs Legless . . . belongs to, well, you know . . . :), Tue 31 Mar 2009, 2:24, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Dreams
I've had some properly messed-up dreams before. A girl's arse came away in my hands; I've fought for my life against Orcs and muggers and I've explored a deserted children's playground which became the stock market on closer inspection, on Mars.

What sort of madness has appeared in your head entirely uninvited as you slumbered soundly?
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Tue 31 Mar 2009, 1:51, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

LAST!
How about we have a whole week of different and exciting 'Last' posts, or a week of 'My God The QOTW is boring' posts, and then maybe the dull idiots who have nothing better to do might go the fuck away.

Another Idea:

"Why my life is so boring that I resort to moaning about content of a free website in a poorly thought out and badly spelled manner, thereby consistently watering down the quality of the content further. I have no stories to tell or any tangible talent, but hey, I won't let that stop me, for I am a dull, self involved, twat."

There. That's definitely one to go with.

To clarify, I'm not having a go at the Mods. I'm having a go at the people who are the reason that others think QOTW is shit.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 18:48, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I just want to see
CrackHouseCeilidhBand's story of her first (or second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth) threesome/foursome/fivesome. (My first is too boring to tell).
(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 18:01, Reply)

Turn Ons / Turn Offs
Sitting in a bath of beans, hearing a French accent, watching Newsround.

What turns you on, you sick fuckers?

EDIT: Hairy backs, a lack of a pulse, someone pointing at your cock and laughing. The stuff that makes you go limper than Kenneth Williams' wrist.

Yin n yang and all that twattery.

Discuss...
( SpankyHanky, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 13:38, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Sport
I used to run cross country for my school. My games teacher was livid when he discovered that a few other kids and I would sprint ahead and have a cheeky fag in the woods before setting off again.

Playing, watching, creating - tell us about your sporting achievements, dreams, nightmares and disasters.
( SpankyHanky, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 13:31, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Paranoia
Ever thought you were being followed? Think the CIA have tapped your phone? Did the woman who served you in Tescos relay a deeply personal fact about you to her mate at the checkouts that she really shouldn't know about?

Tell us about your pant-wetting, testicle-grabbing, arm-flapping paranoid episodes.
( SpankyHanky, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 13:22, Reply)

Epitahs/gravestone headings
What would you like as a memorial to your death? (statues/day of morning etc are not allowed. Be realistic)

My current favorite gravestone title is:

"It seemed like a good idea at the time"
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 12:01, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Lazy sods
Tales about lazy people adn the things they do.

I work at a school. Everymorning on my way to work I see pupils of the school waiting for teh bus at every stop before the school. That doesn;t sound so bad does it? Well no, apart from the last 2 bus stops before school which are both under 10 minutes walk from the school.

Pupils are too lazy to walk 10 mintues to get to school and the scary thing? The parents paying for their bus tickets.
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Mon 30 Mar 2009, 11:54, Reply)

Time In Hospital
Open Wards, My Missis was placed on one In the daytime a lovley old dear in the next bed, at night the lovley old dear who was in the throws or full on Dementia was conviced my Missus was going to kill her. By the fourth sleepless night my Missus was considering the idea.

Or seeing as we are Dirty Dirty Smokers spending our time at the front Entrace and watching in amazment as a Paitent smokes a cigarette down in 2 breaths, 3 ciggs in 5 mins, and I though the Missus could smoke em.
(Gru being trolled since 1998, Sun 29 Mar 2009, 15:20, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Help-A-B3tean Week!
Inspired from Dirty Secrets & Top Tips, bit of a hybrid if you will. Tips to help people save money from businesses, that sort of thing. I could do with a few with recession and all.

I'll start: If you buy insurance from Norwich Union Direct (or Aviva soon) and not take legal expenses, call back next week and pretend you asked for it. They'll add it on free of charge because it costs more to listen to the call you made than to add it on for free.
(billybobbean is still trying to make it QOTW's best of the week, Sun 29 Mar 2009, 2:35, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Bad first impressions
On being introduced to a new sales rep at work, I slagged off one of the reps from another company at length, only to find out that said person was their wife.

When have you got off on the wrong foot?
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Sat 28 Mar 2009, 15:02, Reply)

what should i call my 3 kittens?
pics available if required!
( sir loafalot ended an eon of lurking on, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 17:33, Reply)

shit question of the week suggestions
what's the most tedious, self-interested, pointless qotw suggestion you can think of??

certainly seems to have motivated a few successful ones recently.....
( sir loafalot ended an eon of lurking on, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 17:32, Reply)

Threesomes
Tell us your tales of three-in-a-bed fun! Beds optional.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 14:43, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Whinging/complaining
Everyone has been whinging about the quality of the questions for weeks already. So why don't we hear some funny recollections of their all-time best complaint. The best all-out tirade against someone who may have deserved it.

Like the time I told someone to fuck off. FTW!
(nonstopdancer, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 13:07, Reply)

Your sport related anecdotes
I know school sports day has been done but what about stories as a player, as a fan or could include general game playing but as a grown up.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 12:08, Reply)

What the cunting fuck?
Does anybody bother to look here?

Thought not...

What a load of old twatbadgery.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 27 Mar 2009, 10:39, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

It seemed like a good idea at the time
Come on. You know this would be good.







Edit: I'm posting here because I can't sleep and I'm off to France tomorrow today and will be out of computer range for about a week and a half.
( MatJ LOOK, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 4:09, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

...and then it didn't happen.
Kind of self-explanatory really.

A couple of years back, I was asked by one of my teachers to help with setting up a proper community sports club - he asked for my help because, essentially, he was enthusiastic but I was (and am) much better and more knowledgeable about that sport. It was a great deal for me - we had applied for lottery funding which, as the only applicant in that category, we were a dead cert for. I was going to get use of a metric shitload of equipment, a free instructor course etc. etc.

The day we were due to find out if we had got the money/get the money, we found out that it had been embezzled.

And that was the end of that.
( MatJ LOOK, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 4:07, Reply)

Unsupervised holidays
When have you decided that this year, for some reason, you just don't fancy going to the trailer park in Skegness with mum and dad? Where did you go, who with, and how did you escape alive?
( MatJ LOOK, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 4:00, Reply)

Leaving home
One of two on a theme.

There must be some good stories out there...
( MatJ LOOK, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 3:58, Reply)

Bigmouth Strikes Again
I'd estimate at least half the trouble I've got into over the years has been because I have a big mouth and will blart stuff out that should stay inside my head.

What's gone wrong because you can't keep a secret or stop yourself from giving out Too Much Information ?
( I_Was_Mordred, Thu 26 Mar 2009, 23:26, Reply)