I wish I knew that a year ago!
After 2 years, dozens of expensive letters and a bill 4 times the original estimate I'm still not divorced, yet solicitors are in no rush and very expensive.
I know now I could have got this far myself for under 500 quid in just a few weeks.
Hindsight is a slow teacher, share your knowledge!
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 14:54, Reply)

Babysitters
You've had them and maybe even have been one. We used to hold ours to ransom with our cats as he was allergic but he was cool cause he let us copy his C64 tapes.
( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Wed 20 Oct 2010, 18:03, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Saturday Nights before boooze and internets
I was always aware of the special relevance of Saturday night when a nipper, indeed all the adults used to get quite excited by the prospect, even those that were still pissed from a Saturday afternoon in the pub watching sports. But before getting drunk or using the internets, what did Saturday Night mean to you?

(Comics, coffee with lots of sugar and listening to tapes of the top 40 for me)
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Wed 20 Oct 2010, 17:09, Reply)

Bizarre
I was cycling to my mate's recently and out of a side-street shot a man in his 50s in a Dennis the Menace style 'cartie' and cackling like a loony as he did so.

What's the most surreal thing you've witnessed?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 20 Oct 2010, 12:33, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Last Words/Epitah etc
What are the last words you want to be remembered for? be they the alst thing you said, what's printed in the newspaper or the writing on your gravestone.

Mine.

Gravestone: "It seemed like a good idea at the time."
Last words: "Weeeee!"
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Wed 20 Oct 2010, 10:14, Reply)

Flights of Fancys
Not my story but one I like. A man on a Ryanair flight was hungry and on orderin a hang sangwich found to his disgust that there were no ham init. The man's friend called the attendant over and asked for another sandwich. The attendant said no problem and went of to get a replacement.

Well anyways the head attendant came back and said that the man couldn't have a replacement. A bit shaken the man asked for his money back. No he was told he would have to write to the sandwich company as ryanair didn't have any responsibility with regards content of sandwichs. The man persisted and was threatened with arrest if he did not desist.
( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Tue 19 Oct 2010, 19:10, Reply)

Halloween Stupidity
Yes, it is part of our deepest nature to mess around with fire (and to a more recent extent with explosive material) So come on, tell us your stories of mishaps around the spookiest time of year.
Personally, I tried to blow out the fuse of a banger and, thinking I'd succeeded, was more than a little shocked when it exploded in my hand. Escaped with 20 minutes flash-blindness, a ringing in my ears that lasted a day or two and minor burns.

So, what's the worst you've been privy to?
( Spider Fucking Riviera got stiches for a knife wound for the first time, Mon 18 Oct 2010, 15:27, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

BTTF, kind of
having made this one of my first posts, well, second, I would like to suggest: if you could go back in time and change something, what would it be? It could relate to anything, literally. Well, not regrets, maybe something that could quite literally change the course of history.

Apologies if this question has been asked before.
(networker Cheese and Ham sandwich please, Fri 15 Oct 2010, 20:37, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Regrets
What makes you want to kick yourself in the ass real hard?
Missed opportunities
Throwing away something that later turned out to be very valuable
Saying no to the person who then went on to became rich and famous
Not going to a party that later made the national news for utter debauchery and drunken excess
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 23:49, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Recently
The missus informed me that her brother was moving with us, What has your partner done recently that has really pissed you off!!
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 13:45, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

When I was 14 or so
In order to avoid being caught trespassing in an abandoned warehouse, my mate and I made our escape over the rotten joists of the partly missing roof above a 30 foot drop and into an adjacent building where we managed to sneak out unnoticed.

What have you done that has put you in peril, was foolhardy or just plain dangerous?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 12:02, Reply)

My Claim To Fame
Magnus Magnusson once asked me for my autograph (story if this gets picked!)

What is YOUR strange claim to fame?
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 11:21, Reply)

I want my life back
My mate reliably informed me how one night in the pub he pulled a girl with the sole intention of having a one-night stand, and she was up for it too. They went back to her place and had possibly the worst sex he's ever had to the point where he told her:
"This is shit, I might as well have gone home instead and had a wank" and so he gave up halfway through, got dressed and went home. He said it was a waste of a good half hour of his life (the majority of which was the chatting up and getting her into her bed).

When have you thought "That was a fat fucking waste of time"?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 9:21, Reply)

When I become *** Ruler Of The World ***
... I will immediately pass the following laws:

* People will only be able to purchase "proper" branded Sellotape, i.e. not that awful stuff you can never find the end of or tear off
* Doors that say "Push" will have any handles removed to stop my confusion

What laws would you pass please?
(fatboybubba, Thu 14 Oct 2010, 8:05, Reply)

You're a wiener!!!!
Pontins, Wales, 8 years old and I enter a comedy compo for funniest joke and I won (joke was about cauliflower). The end result was a furry blond round "dancing" monster. This remained in my room until I was twelve.

Anyway a friend ended up smuggling a copy of chucky to a sleep over and the following night I found Fluffy all too sinister to bear. Not getting a wink of sleep that night I took Fluffy out the next day and bet the living bejesus out of him with a tennis racket. Wanting to discard the evidence the mangled wreck was hidden in the attic. I had constant reoccurring nightmares about fluffy coming from the attic to wreak his revenge.

What prizes shit or otherwise have you won in the past?
( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Tue 12 Oct 2010, 18:11, Reply)

Spontaneous Stupidity?
Edinburgh airport, queueing to get through security before embarking on a journey to South America to visit the in-laws. Very busy, there are a couple of hundred folk slowly ambling their way through those cloth rails that make you go up and down the room several times, kind of like....no, no, must resist, the wife will kill me, there are guys with guns for pete's sake... too late.
BBBBBBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! - my best sheep impersonation. Several strange looks, a few tuts and a kick in the shins but then... an answering MMMMMMMEEEEEEEEHHHHH!!!! from somewhere else in the room, followed by a couple more before it died away.
I'm 43 this week.
Your stories?
(Darth Thump, Tue 12 Oct 2010, 14:18, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Pet woes
As students we thought it would be cool to get a hamster, so we did and for a few days he was very loved, trouble was he some how got his paws on a lump of afghan gold, he died very happy, what other pet troubles have other experienced?
(bluehamster, Mon 11 Oct 2010, 19:33, Reply)

Avoiding things.
What lengths have you gone to?

I walked into town the other day and saw a rather white-skinned Goth girl cross the road eight times to avoid walking in sunshine.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Mon 11 Oct 2010, 17:35, Reply)

Surreal moments
We've all had them.

For instance, I walked into my directors office once to ask her a question and found her sitting at her screen wearing comedy glasses with a fake nose and mustache.
(EvilMeister, Sun 10 Oct 2010, 23:18, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Once had an idea to set up a website exclusively for this
DREAMS - lets hear your's from the freaked up nightmares to the awsum flying ones to the sexy ones. Once I dreamt I was a football manager and in the dream the player I was trying to sign started making a "unnhhhhh unnnhhhhh unghhghghnnnhhhh" noise (you know the one). And when I woke it turned out to be my wife going into labor.
( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Wed 6 Oct 2010, 20:56, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Cowardice
Today my boss was supposed to fly to France to inspect one of our suppliers but cancelled due to the recent terror alerts and sent one of my colleagues instead.

What stories of spectacular cowardice do you have to tell?
( Afinkawan Yes I can hear you Clem Fandango, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 17:31, Reply)

Stupid Youth
Me and one particular mate used to get up stupid, stupid vandalism when were young. We thought we were cool. I regret it all to this day.

Remember the balls you would get with liquid detergent like Ariel? We would fill those with enamel paint and lob them over the walls of the bus station at weekends aiming for the school buses.

We would go around my old school at weekends and vandalise whatever we could find, like modifying Casper the ghost on the nursery school window into some freakish ghoul or just give Spot the dog a raging hard-on.

The stupid part was that we did this on a sunny clear Saturday at 2PM in the afternoon, we just didn't have a clue really.

We decided that we would only get caught if we carried on, so we decided to become night owls. On our first night of shenanigans we got caught by the police. We were arrested and searched, my mate had two bottles of poppers in his pocket and I had rows of firework rockets strapped across my chest like Rambo. I can still hear the officers piss them selves laughing as we drove to the station.

What makes your cringe when you look back at the antics of your youth?
( Bamboo Steamer, Wed 6 Oct 2010, 15:34, Reply)

Ambitions
My 'things to do before I die' list has only 2 items.

a: Drive around New Zealand in a camper van
b: Have MASSIVE SEX with the original members of Bananarama

No particular order, but if I can combine the two, then that would be just perfect.

What's on your list, and have any been ticked off?

Edit: When I say ticked off, I mean completed, not 'mildly annoyed'.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 5 Oct 2010, 21:40, Reply)

Inspiration
Ever been inspired to do something because of something/someone (the more random the better) regardless of the outcome - crushing disappointment Vs rapturous joy. For example, inspired by the recent complaints QoTW, I have been tapping away at my keyboard to customer services about a crappy product I bought recently. No outcome as yet but I could email them all the livelong day - now it's about stamina and who'll crack first. It won't be me.
(The cat's PJs If my eyes are closed you can't see me, Tue 5 Oct 2010, 10:12, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Have you ever mourned for an inanimate object?
What about that 'special' toaster which always gave the perfect slice of toast? How did you feel when it eventually karked it?

I actually mourned for a book, in which I'd invested 4 months of my life to read (Infinite Jest - David Foster Wallace). When I picked up the next book, all I could think was - it's just not Infinite Jest is it...it's just not the same...

What inanimate objects have you mourned the passing of?
(Cosa Nostril, Tue 5 Oct 2010, 0:54, Reply)

Dressing Up.
Fancy Dress Party? Music Festival? Kinkyness behind closed doors? Extreme confusion on mufti day at school?

Tell us your stories of triumph and woe involving some ludicrous get-up.

Go on, embarrass yourself all over again.
( the pink chicken sniffer sniffs pink chickens., Mon 4 Oct 2010, 20:25, Reply)

Dead Bodies.
When I was thirteen I was living with cousins and I worked with their lunatic mortuarist mother in rural France. She walked about the house in revealing clothes, she never wore a bra, she encouraged me to take showers with her to conserve water and electricity and regularly encouraged me to acquaint myself with the female cadavers she serviced. She also liked to decorate the dead and she may have once fried a bishop's arse but I won't go into that now.

So, ye medical students, rescue workers or otherwise lucky people, what have your experiences been like with the deceased?

P.S. Can we got some halloweeny qotw suggestions going?
(sorry., Sat 2 Oct 2010, 18:15, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Waste of money
Times are tough and we need to watch the pennies. Over the years we've all made bad retail choices, be it the Silverline tool that broke on it's first use or the VW passat with an automatic gearbox that didn't even manage 20mpg.
Tell us your retail disasters and help us save our money!
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Wed 29 Sep 2010, 15:16, Reply)

High larious pranks, gaffs and wind ups.
Back in my airporting days we used to have big airport colored jeeps but when these broke down the airport would get rentals (the big ones woth empty cabin backs). Anyways one faithful day I hitched a ride in the cabin to the car-park, which was packed.

As the jeep roled to a halt I threw open the door and screamed "if you don't have the money by friday you're fu*king dead". I then flung myself out crashing into the ground. Horrified the driver sped off leaving me in a heap on the ground. I waited as all the passengers stood stunned eventually getting up amd running away.
( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Wed 29 Sep 2010, 14:49, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)