Where to start?
I was engaged to a guy; he'd been my first proper boyfriend, I thought I had to marry him, for some strange reason. I don't think that now of course.

So many things signalled it was over....

Farting - This one was probably the biggest clue. In bed:
"Can I ask you something? It sounds a bit disgusting, but... can I fart in bed?"
"What? NO!"
"Please"
"What? The bathroom is just over there"
"Can't I just... stick my arse out of bed? Oh please, I really need to"

Either go ahead and do it anyway, make it manly and loud, make it comic, a resonant basso profundo! Make the bed vibrate! Overcome me with your fumes!
OR
If you're going to be all polite about it, go to the fucking bathroom and do it there.
Do not *whine* or *beg* to get my permission
( Peapod Has returned to the fold on, Fri 22 Oct 2010, 17:23, 18 replies)

Blame the cat
SOP
(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Fri 22 Oct 2010, 17:25, closed)

fuck me
Are you my ex?

Absolutely nothing wrong with farting in bed.

/edit although I'd never ask permission. You don't have to
( rofl harris, Fri 22 Oct 2010, 17:26, closed)

farting in bed is fine
as long as he doesn't give you the dutch oven
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 22 Oct 2010, 17:28, closed)

Eh?
Dutch oven?

I'll bite, what be that?
(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Fri 22 Oct 2010, 17:29, closed)

it's where they fart in bed
then force your head under the blankets and clamp them down tight, trapping you under there with their arse gas
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 22 Oct 2010, 17:31, closed)

I remember trying to explain this to the Dutch..
..who were completely mystified. Great days.
( Jimbuktu See? Right here, Fri 22 Oct 2010, 22:03, closed)

My ex used to call that
The Gas Chamber.

He's going straight to Hull.
( TFD is sporting this season's finest necropants, Sat 23 Oct 2010, 0:22, closed)

see i'll rip one in front of my girl
and it'll be loud, proud, and maybe nasally abusive. but in bed, i kinda just think it's a line you shouldn't cross if you want to keep the magic. it's the same line that doesn't allow taking a shit while the other person is showering, or mutual popping of spots on the other person, blackheads etc.. it's just too far.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Fri 22 Oct 2010, 17:30, closed)

I don't see the problem with farting.
It's not particularly healthy to just not fart in front of someone, ever. OK, so if you need to "let rip" you should probably go to the toilet -- but a quick toot ought not to be verboten. Plus, most people I have shared sleeping quarters with have farted in their sleep.
I agree totally on the not shitting while the other is showering though -- unless it's that or the floor.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Fri 22 Oct 2010, 17:56, closed)

My 3 favourite places to let rip
have to be while in bed (with the occasional dutch oven), while in a steamy shower together, or having a romantic bath together (she hates the feeling of the air - if you can call it that - crawling up her back). A great method of guaranteeing I don't do any of the above is to not "have a headache".
(Turtlenuts, Fri 22 Oct 2010, 18:54, closed)

You should meet my missus
I can't fart. I just can't. I'm hung up. But her?! She guffs like a navvy. She drops bombs that could make a hard man cry. It's hard being me.

Hang on. Does this mean she's finishing with me?
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Fri 22 Oct 2010, 20:08, closed)

Ok, another top tip time...
Arse-uming there isn't a vocal quality to the fart, just raise the cover enough to let some air under the duvet at the moment of release, as you lower the duvet, use your foot to lift a corner or edge just off the bed. This lets the fart move under cover of darkness to be released via the gap created by your foot.
If done correctly, it will look like a quick flick of the duvet for comfort and no noses will be harmed in the release of the fart.
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Fri 22 Oct 2010, 21:53, closed)

a fine description of the technique there.
i often use a somewhat exaggerated lifting of the bottom left-of-centre point of the duvet (happens to be where my foot lies) just as the vapour is released, enjoying the inrush of cool, fresh air. then i make a snap judgement of where it will be deposited. either keeping the duvet hermetic around the necks and dropping the duvet causing a toxic draught out into the darkness...
or...
dropping my foot followed momentarily by my knee (to direct the air pressure northwards), lifting the duvet a thrutch above my beloved's nose and relishing the stench of my own guts for 1.87seconds before she starts kicking and gouging at my back in some vain attempt to make it stop...
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Fri 22 Oct 2010, 22:47, closed)

Masterful

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Sat 23 Oct 2010, 9:31, closed)

whythangyou!
;-)
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Sat 23 Oct 2010, 11:40, closed)

I withheld my bed-farts with my most recent girlfriend
but once we'd been together long enough, I let one rip - loud and proud. She laughed, and I knew then I'd marry her. We've been together 3 years now.
(McChinaman banned, Sat 23 Oct 2010, 1:56, closed)

^^ rofl!!!
That is an expression of True Love. Well done you for having the sense to realise it and marry her.
(Que?, Mon 25 Oct 2010, 3:13, closed)

Haha
I can't eat gluten... if I eat any I inflate up like one of those starving African kids and start to fart. And it STINKS like death itself. Thankfully my partner of 2-3 years doesn't mind. Our bed is musical! We have him trumping away, what with being a man, me if I've eaten any gluten, and then the dog sitting at the bottom of the bed letting 'em go. So romantic!
( Bathory, Sun 24 Oct 2010, 8:49, closed)