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This is a question Crappy relationships

"Recently," Broken Arrow tells us, "The missus informed me that her brother was moving with us." What has your partner done that's convinced you the magic's gone? "Breathe" is not an answer.

(, Thu 21 Oct 2010, 12:33)
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My made up relationship story is true
On my first night at university I got drinking with a group of lads and, as 18 year old boys do, we all started boasting about sex. I had no sex boasts, having had no sex, but I still joined in. “yeah, well once I was shagging my girlfriend in her mums bed, and we were really banging it, and her mum walked in, and as she walked out she defiantly gave me a wink” I lied.

Why this imaginary mother would wink at a short spotty chubbster mounting her daughter, rather than vomiting in disappointment, was not questioned. I now realise that was only because all the stories told that night were lies,to call one would have collapsed the whole pack.

Once I’d settled into a social group my ghostly girlfriend followed me. She now had a name (Lucy) a vocation (studying medicine in Bristol, year above us) and an appearance (megafit). All this within a week, my most successful relationship ever!

After a month of audacious charlatanism I met a girl who I liked, and who I thought might like me. She wasn’t megafit like Lucy, but she was real. I realised I had to break it off with the nonexistent Bristolian.

But how to do it without looking a knob. I had boasted to everyone who would listen about how into each other Lucy and I were. If I just said “oh yeah, it’s over” they would assume I had been dumped, no doubt for being shit in bed. If I announced out of the blue I had dumped her then everone would think I was a bastard (yes I was self obsessed).

So I faked the collapse of the relationship over several months. Lucy’s behaviour became more and more unstable, the relationship more and more crappy, she would phone me in the middle of the night demanding I went to Bristol (/to my parents house). She would arrange to visit me in London and pull out at the last minute. I made sure all my friends knew that I had the feeling we were drifting apart.

After a about 9 weeks of this I faked a day long mega sulk, sighing loudly and doing a strange stare into the middle distance that I thought effectively communicated emotional turmoil. Eventually someone asked me what was wrong and I confessed “Yeah me and Lucy broke up last night”.

Hooray! I was free. I did date the real girl for a short while, but she dumpted me for being a twat. Various other relationships have come and gone, all of them real and most of them hard work. Sometimes I wish I’d stayed with Lucy, she would be an imaginary doctor by now, we could be looking for an imaginary house, maybe planning an imaginary baby. Life would easy.

And yes it turns out everyone knew she was made up all along.
(, Wed 27 Oct 2010, 11:44, 16 replies)
This has made me laugh.
I like this.
(, Wed 27 Oct 2010, 11:50, closed)
This is the best one here.
The lucy was a bitch you're better off without her.
(, Wed 27 Oct 2010, 11:54, closed)
There was an a guy in the 6th form at my school who had a long-term “girlfriend”.

We where having a party and insisting that he brought his “girlfriend” along became a bit of a game in the preceding week. He surprised us all be saying she would indeed be attending.

However, on the fateful night he turned up alone. A mate asked “where’s your girlfriend Paul? He replied “Oh yes”, as if he’d only just realised something had happened, “I got home from school, today and there was a message waiting for me. She was killed in an accident this morning.” He tried looking sad, but after 10 minutes or so he seemed to have completely got over the tragedy.
(, Wed 27 Oct 2010, 12:02, closed)
Nicely done!
I had a very similar conversation first night of uni, but I opted for the boring, virginal truth. I made the right decision, it would seem.

*click* for funnehs.
(, Wed 27 Oct 2010, 12:11, closed)
An entertaining read, as disasterprone said.

I had an old college mate who habitually fibbed about his derring do in order to impress us. He must struggle to obtain life insurance, as not one but two of his ex partners had apparently met with tragic and unforseen fates.

Not bad going considering that he was seventeen years old at the time.
(, Wed 27 Oct 2010, 12:25, closed)
Derring do
(, Wed 27 Oct 2010, 12:50, closed)
But what if the story about your made up girlfriend indeed is MADE UP? AHA! Lying, Inception-style. Well written regardless.
(, Wed 27 Oct 2010, 12:41, closed)
This: "And yes it turns out everyone knew she was made up all along."
has made the story absolutely brilliant. Good anyways, but this is the icing on top!

(, Wed 27 Oct 2010, 12:47, closed)
I liked to hear more
About how you found out they always knew.
(, Wed 27 Oct 2010, 12:51, closed)
Sometimes I think it would be nice to be 18 again, but then I read something like this and remember how shit it was.
(, Wed 27 Oct 2010, 13:03, closed)
haha My ex-ex used to fuck my mind
by asking me how I knew if she was real or not and I may have made her up in mind.
(, Wed 27 Oct 2010, 13:10, closed)
3 of us did this to our housemate whilst he was stoned and almost convinced him that he was actually living alone.
(, Wed 27 Oct 2010, 15:00, closed)
its funny until you really do
start doubting your own sanity
(, Wed 27 Oct 2010, 16:48, closed)
for wishing you hadn't broken up with her. Masterful!
(, Wed 27 Oct 2010, 13:12, closed)
made me smirk....a lot
*click* for a potential winner! If FHM steal this one....sue them!
(, Wed 27 Oct 2010, 15:35, closed)
This for the win
You poor twat ;-)
(, Wed 27 Oct 2010, 21:51, closed)

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