I used to work as a Human Cannonball

but then I was dismissed for incompetence.

I don't think I told that right.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 25 Feb 2006, 15:28, Reply)

What a surprise Duke Amir-Offen...
I used to work in chicago the old department store,

A woman came up to me one day and asked me for a kit kat, a KIT KAT i said, so four fingers she got!

I, too, dont work there any more.
(Formaly Over say's hello, Sat 25 Feb 2006, 15:21, Reply)

oops
got sacked from the local restaurant for wanking in bosses mayo, shit!!!
(dude2, Sat 25 Feb 2006, 14:58, Reply)

Constructive dismissal?
My last job was awful. Probably no worse than many of the others on here, but I was doing it and you wasn't, so I'm allowed to think it was the horribilest job ever.

What was meant to be a general janitorial sorta role slowly became, in the three years I was there, a security job. I got profoundly weary of having to deal with drunks, thieves, junkies, the insane and general cock-wits.

One day, last August, a very well known local purse thief/junkie was in the building trying to take whatever he could to finance the next shot of smack into his single remaining uncollapsed vein.

I politely asked him to leave, mentioning that if he doesn't I'm under instruction to call the police.

Judging from his reaction, he must've miss heard me, and thought I said "Leave now, you filthy, unwashed, retarted, inbred, gap-toothed cretin." Which would have been quite a fair comment, but I was the picture of proffesional politeness. He stood up and made his way out of the building making threats upon my life. This wasn't greatly unusual from him and his kind, but two things troubled me.
1.He seemed considerably more coherant and aware then usual.
2.He had recently got out of jail for attempting to act on such a threat.

This was the final nail in the workplace coffin that had been slowly built over the last three years.

F*** him, F*** the job. I was leaving, right away.

Not having another job to go to, in a town where that one is considered good, (£850 a month take home, 8am-7pm, 5 days a week)I had to think fast. Straight up to the new managers office, explianed (with a little creativity) that my continued existance was in peril and I was going home indefinately, whilst I decide what I'm going to do.

Being a local council job, I knew they would be too scared to terminate my contract while I was suffering the trauma of such an experience.

(This was a place where someone had previously taken a years paid sick leave for a sore wrist, in which time they managed to purchase and set up a takeaway resturant.)

I cemented the credibility of my confused state by a trip to the doctors.

Everyone knows the symptoms of extreme stress, however since leaving the place, I had been as calm and peaceful as a nun's conscience.

The morning of the doctors visit arrived. In preperation:

I hadn't shaved for a week.
(Letting personal standards slip, one giveaway sign of a troubled person.)

No shower for three days.
(Unpleasant, but one must make sacrifices for one's art)

I drunk two very large whiskys.
(It quickens the heart rate, another sign, with the added benefit of smelling like someone who has started to develop "a problem")

I wore my heaviest, thickest clothing and jogged all the way there whilst chain smoking.
(The combined effect creating an unhealthy sheen of sweat and blood pressure that can be measured tectonically.)

A few minutes after arrival, I was sat in front of doc, explaining how "It's all gone wrong" and "I can no longer see a light at the end of the tunnel" Having had four years of mental health care work experience, Treating every kind of upstairs problem you could ever encounter, my performance made the DeNiro/Pacino 'Heat' coffee house scene look like church hall Am Dram.

Him: "Have you been sleeping poorly?"
Me:"Yes, very bad."
(Mostly because I've been staying up late on the playstation and watching horror films.)

Him: "...Your personal relationships?"
Me: "She has expressed dissatisfaction about our situation"
(She did remind me I had forgotten to clean the kitchen floor again.)

Him: "Affecting the libido?"
Me: "I don't have one right now."
(Actually, doc, I punched one out over 'Juggs' magazine whilst having a morning whisky earlier. Flippin' great it was too.)

Him: "Have you been drinking more than usual"
Me: (Whilst eyeing the surgical alcohols inquisitively) "...Yes." (Exhaling deeply for aromatic effect.

Worked a treat. He showed genuine concern, which did make me feel guilty, but this was a preventative measure, as I'm very confident this was a probable path to my life if I had stayed at the job.

Perscription for Prozac and a reacurring sick note if needed.

Jumped on the first bus to work, showed them my impressively poor health check results and left, not contacting them again until my lack of updates resulted in them saying "Due to lack of further contact, as of "dateX" we are afraid to inform you your contract of employment with us will be terminated".

The last couple of paychecks from them just managed to keep me going until I started my new, still crap but infinately nicer, job.

Apologies for length, tangent form subject, and a special one for my doctor who was such an sporting, unkowing participant.
( sir_spicious2000 Crap I've watched: www.filmplop.blogspot.com/, Sat 25 Feb 2006, 13:48, Reply)

the giddy 80's
i resigned from Jeremy Pemberton, half owner and exec cd of Yellowhammer ad agency by telling him to ' lick a dog's asshole unitl it bled"

Funny thing was, a year later he hired me back on twice the money.


That is not being sacked.

He did that later when he discovered i was emigrating to Australia.
(Man in Japan, Sat 25 Feb 2006, 13:11, Reply)

I get the sack a lot.
I drown puppies for a living.
( Lightguy hail satan, Sat 25 Feb 2006, 13:04, Reply)

Sacked for violating the Trade Descriptions Act.
I used to work in Chicago, in an old department store.

A woman came into the store one day asking for some expensive bathroom fittings. Expensive bathroom fittings she wanted, a golden shower she got.

I don't work there any more.
(Duke Amir-Offen, Sat 25 Feb 2006, 12:02, Reply)

Soon to be sacked......
I have just started with a new company and will be spending the next 3 weeks in training. One guy has already managed to be late 3 times this week and didn't even show up on Thursday. The rest of us are running a book to see how long it is before they sack him. I've got him down for for Tuesday.
(charliesays, Sat 25 Feb 2006, 11:32, Reply)

Sacked
I've been Sacked so many times I cant even remember all of them!!... ...
Quote "I hate Sacks!"

David Carr
(Houston Texans Quarterback)
(crawdad, Sat 25 Feb 2006, 9:18, Reply)

You work it out
I worked a few years back (my first job in Holland) for a Software company who used to punt me out to various clients for fat profit, but with the security of a full time job for me (which meant if I had no work, I sat on my arse at home on full pay, which was nice).

On my first day, I was punted out to a very large Japanese Motorcycle Company to look after their AS/400 systems - I got the impression on the first day though that the boss was a bit odd, but being my first proper job in Holland, I knuckled down and gave it my all.

During the first few months I worked hard (though humngover a lot) - I improved various processes that were well out of date, automated various operations and did my best to impress. The Boss however, who I learned was only in charge of IT as he knew how a PC worked when they got their first ever one in a millenium ago, obviously didn't like me. Every week my timesheet was either to brief or too detailed (one week I made a difference of one word on the last weeks to prove the theory he just alternated whatever he said last week - it did). I was also entrusted with documenting Y2K readiness of kit and spent a lot of time writing an 87 page document, only for him one day to then say he'd never even requested it in the first place (though me and three other people were all asked to create it). He'd also call me at 11pm at night asking why the computer room door was open, when I had left early in the afternoon and was not the last person there.

Then the company decided to centralise all their european AS/400 systems on to one model 620, with a fram relay link to all the sub offices, with Austria to go first. This went on for a while, and a UK manager was brought in to oversee the project - strangely the UK manager's wife had worked at my previous contract in the UK - so we got on well, as did the job in hand, until one day when we lost all the sessions in Vienna for no reason whatsoever. AS/400 users will know these things report everything, so when nothing appeared in the system logs to even notice the outtage, we were a bit concerned. This carried on quite randomly, sometimes several times a day, sometimes not for weeks. We called IBM in, Global One (the Frame Relay Operators), even GeTronics for the local network, and all this after draining the excellent technical knowledge of the employees in the department. We tried everything - we even flew to Vienna just sitting there waiting for it to happen, and then running into the workshop to see if a welder had dipped the current enough to send a spike on the network - we were really clutching at straws. IBM had sent their three top Dutch network consultants in to assist (after I shouted at them for lack of support) and they could not work it out. Meetings were held in Japan about canning the entire project or replacing it with new technology all at great cost.

Then during one of my trawls around the net trying to find answers, I found a parameter within the bowels of IP configuration which did not seem to be documented too well, so after pissing about with a local test system, managed to replicate the problem on a local machine - I reported it to the English boss who excitedly told the Austrian President of the Company, who alerted the Chiefs in Tokyo - the change was made to the Live system and we held our breaths - I for a long time, but after 4 weeks, just a few days before the crucnh meeting to cancel the whole project, Terry came in on a monday morning, gave me 4 bottles of English beer and told me that the Directors at this very large company were thanking "Wayne-san" for saving them millions. IBM rang to thank me, and documented my findings at Rochester in the States for their Guru's to evaluate and correct, and Global One were so grateful as well for obviously not losing their contract for the network infrastructure.

The Dutch imbecile was called into the office about his handling of the whole situation, and especially his shying from the problems, and allowing a contractor to have to show him how to get things done, and he was demoted to just lead operator. He was finally found out for what he was - a fuckwit. Trouble is the fuckwit still had charge of the operations team, which included me, so I was dismissed from the contract. The grounds brought up in the meeting included:

a) I brought a newspaper into work (I used to read on the bus)
b) I did not take home work with me every night (I billed by the hour - you sure you want me billing for 24 x 7?)
c) I did not carry a briefcase to work (Overkill for a newspaper don't you think?)

...needless to say, I was one of many who did the above, but this did not seem to count for them - could it have been they were Dutch?

My Boss at the software company was very supportive and understanding - I offered to resign but he would hear nothing of it. Years later the guy from the Motorbike Company asked him for a job, to which my boss replied "You might have been my best customer for 20 years, but you are a complete dickhead and I would not employ you if you were the last person on earth!"

Not many people I know can honestly say their payback for saving a company so much money is to be shown the door.

Still I did get to lig with the racing team and hang out with some of the worlds most famous riders which was nice
(Waynster James Joyce is fucking my sister!, Sat 25 Feb 2006, 9:18, Reply)

From a petrol station.
they just asked me to return my shirts and never gave a reason. I was releived, but four years or so later it still gnaws at me. I've never been fired before then and I've never been fired since.

Every other person there was a fucktard. maybe I didn't fit in, because I can read. We work alone, so why would I have to fit in? I just don't get it.
(crumpled, Sat 25 Feb 2006, 4:27, Reply)

I can recommend this to anyone
Minding my own business one Friday evening (read - Trying to think of new ways to chat up the till dolly), when the Store Manager (we'll call him Scott, as tis his name), informed me I was to be sacked the next day. This came as little surprise, due to my propensity for doing nothing in those days.

I sobbed for a brief picosecond, and then got minorly annoyed that the main man didn't have the balls to do it himself, and would have a lie-in to boot. 'So' thinks I.

Turned up the next morning (despite the understanding that I wouldn't) ready for work. Demanded aforementioned sleeping owner be summoned on the phone.

Now-apparantly-famous Quotes include :
'Listen love, I don't give a fuck where he was last night, I want that fat fuck on the phone, now'
'No, I don't give a shit that I'm sacked. I want to speak to the robbing fat bastard'
'If he's not down here in 20 minutes, I'll stand at the front door telling customers that you're permanently closed due to leprosy. With my cock out'.

He did turn up to sack me, but was so hungover that he let me stand there in his office for over half an hour and systematically character-assassinate his entire family and him, whilst using language usually reserved only for council-estate-single-mothers.

Psychiatrists? Say NO. That got five years of rage out of me, and didn't cost a penny ;-)
(ArfurDaley Must try harder., Sat 25 Feb 2006, 3:07, Reply)

I have a conscience, honestly.
My story. Worth reading I think, due to the spectacular shit.

I used to work at a small car accessory shop, and I got put in charge (due to manager having nervous breakdown), with one day a week off.

It was the custom for me to leave a practical joke, upon leaving for the evening, for the person who replaced me for the day after (a mate) and vice versa.

So, that Monday evening, I stuck the phone handset to the receiver with superglue, rigged the door 'che-ching' bell to sound constantly upon opening the front door, placed various obstacles in the way of the counter, and rigged the lightswitch so it didn't work. GENIUS!

Only problem was, I sort-of-forgot to shut the upstairs door. The alarm went off at 3am. Nervous-Breakdown man was the one on the list for the security company to ring.

So he flew down on his bike at 3am, already in a cold sweat, the thought of masked intruders already sending his brain into overdrive.

Piled through the front door, sprained his ankle on the stuff in the middle of the floor, bell going off, phone was ringing due to alarm company calling, crawled to the desk and promptly smashed himself in the face with an entire phone, all the time with the terrible ringing in his ears.

He was found some 7 hours later sobbing in a corner of the shop. he never returned to work. Ever. For anyone.

It was a shit job anyway, but I still (ticket to Hull please) laugh at the mental picture of the guy crying and clouting himself in the head with the phone in blind panic.

Absolutely sod all apologies for length. (This is the same man who left a perfectly-formed turd around the rim of the down-toilet seat) So I don't feel that bad anyway.
(ArfurDaley Must try harder., Sat 25 Feb 2006, 2:56, Reply)

Before I went to Uni
I had a weekend job at a well known cash and carry. The week before I left for uni I was milling aimlessly around with a broom wondering when I should go and tell them I was leaving when I got called into the office. And fired. I think I said thanks...
(Horns, Sat 25 Feb 2006, 2:34, Reply)

Should have been so many times....but only once
and that was deliberate.

Job 1. McDonalds. Always worked drive through, and had a rather lovely little scam going involving the till functions for various discount vouchers, a 'broken' receipt printer, and one of the plastic stirrers crudely bitten into roughly the same shape as a managers key. Earned me a pleasant couple of hundred quid a week extra. Got caught when a manager found my little bag of cash down the side of my till. Cash confiscated, "Don't let me catch you again". Never did let him either.

2: A certain multinational IT company which sounds like ju-jitsu. Managed to wing myself control of a nice quiet contract, and relocate my desk into the server room because "it's easier to monitor everything from in there". Nothing to do with the fact that the server room is totally enclosed, very restricted access, and nowhere near the line of sight of any management. 9-5 soon became 11-3 or so, for about 6 months, until I got bored. Left with a glowing reference, and took my last month off with full pay so they could see how my replacement coped without me while I was still on the payroll. This meant they forgot when I actually left and kept paying me for a few months. Ignored their letters asking for the couple of grand overpayments back.

3. Only one I actually got sacked from, and that was by design. A one month helldesk contract while the client sold out their helpdesk to move it down south. Two weeks in, got offered something better, permanent, and twice the pay, but the agency had contracted in a £500 early termination penalty. Interview friday, explained to new boss that I could start tuesday but it would result in a very poor reference from my current contract. Turned up to work pissed as a fart monday morning and was promptly escorted off the premises. Agency were most upset to discover that the wording of their contract meant that they couldn't impose the penalty since I had been fired and not chosen to leave.
(bblgoose, Sat 25 Feb 2006, 1:09, Reply)

2 days before I was going to hand my notice in
Company called DDI. They make shit games for the PS2 and for at least 6 months of the 12 I worked there I was either not paid in full or not on time.

At the end it had been 3 months without pay and I was asked to leave. I didn't even complain and I got the notice period to go from the friday when I was going to quit and eventually got all the money owed (excluding bonuses which were blatent lies to prevent us from cutting our losses and running).

I started my new job the week after I left making games people actually want to play rather than buy by mistake and with a nice big pay raise.
(Gutterflower, Sat 25 Feb 2006, 0:45, Reply)

My sacked story
I was working at my Local football club, since end of Feb / start of march 2005, up until 18th October 2005.

I got sacked because on the day in question, I was working on Turnstiles, taking in money/tickets to allow the fans into ground..and my cash box ended up being £72 down!!!

Naturally my boss who was the football clubs Director had his head up his ass, suspects me of stealin it etc etc...I still got the sack, but I DID NOT STEAL THE MONEY. Just after he tells me he's going to "have to ask me not to come back", I ask if "I can't just come back as a Steward since theres no cash interaction at-all" but he says no cos he "Doesn't want me near the club" or summin.

A few days or weeks later I pop into the football clubs shop which isn't next to the ground, it's about 5 mins away..and I know the manager there so I just went in to speak to him since we were friends and my family at home know him and his familiy. Turns out that theres another person there helping him out, she was (not only seriously hott -- I fancy her) at the ground the day I got fired, working in the cash office, and she says that she thinks the turnstile is faulty .. at least one other person also thinks that the turnstile is faulty, she even tried to back me up against the Director.

I speak to my solicitor who tells me that cos I only been working there for under a year, I can't go to an employment tribunal, only thing to do is appeal.

To add to the upset of loosin this job which I so loved, was earning me enogh money to live on and was only proper job as yet, 2 days later, 20th Oct 2005, I get heartbroken!

Lovely!!!

Just to finish up, the club's director still has his head up his ass!! Feel free to piss the club off by e-mailing [email protected] or www.barnetfc.com or even [email protected]
(Timmeh I am Timmeh and Timmeh is me!, Fri 24 Feb 2006, 23:59, Reply)

Their loss? Doubtful.
Very recently, I took a new job that frankly, I hated.

All over Christmas I was so depressed at having to go back there, after having only worked there for six weeks, no words can desribe it.

Anyhoo, a couple of weeks before that, I'd been cordially invited to the Christmas party; all expenses paid, 1920's theme.

I went.

It was going well.

I got pissed.

I didn't realise quite how pissed I'd got, until I returned to work after Christmas to be told that they were 'going to let me go' as I had told someone to fuck off and had been somewhat 'sexually suggestive' to someone else!!

I have zero recollection of either faux pas, to this day, but it turned out in my favour! I was given one months money, to just, in my own words, 'fuck off' and had another job within 3 days!

I am still relieved, every morning, that I did that.

I hated that job.
(Kit-Koo, Fri 24 Feb 2006, 23:37, Reply)

Fast Food
I had the misfortune of working in the fast food industry for several months and during this time met some very interesting people. Of all these people I eventually found getting close to a girl by the name of S. One day, much to my dismay, she broke the news to me that she was moving and therefore leaving work. To make sure people would remember her after leaving she decided to get sacked in spectacular fashion with me as her partner in crime and not hand her notice to management in the normal way. Her day of reckoning arrived and the companies list of sackable offences memorised. As the day progressed we succeeded in having a sauce fight, which included filling each others caps with a lovely mix of mustard, mayo and BBQ sauce and turning our plain red uniforms into something out of Joseph. We had a sword fight with the big, pinic table umberellas in the pouring rain and used them to caterpulte huge piles of sloppy mud at each other. Other offences were carried out and sure enough at the end of the day she was called into the managers office and told that due to recent performance levels she was sacked (I managed to escaped punishment as it was my 1st offence and would no longer have a bad influence).
I set off for work the next day and recieved a text from my now out of work mate reading "Wait till you see what else I did" and found out that she had sneakily booby-trapped the place at the of the day to make her sacking even more memorable. For days we found bits of chopped up burgers and hotdogs shoved in the popcorn machine, mouldy chips shoved in random chip boxes which had been re-stacked and WASPS, yes WASPS!, trapped in the umberellas so the next poor soul who opened them was attacked by a swarm of angry wasps.
(NotSaying lurking is fun, Fri 24 Feb 2006, 23:10, Reply)

FlatteredBaps...
QUOTE: I'm a Rabbi
I got fired because I got the sac.

I think it should be "I'm a mohel...". Rabbis don't do circumcisions.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 24 Feb 2006, 22:38, Reply)

not quite the right answer but...
wouldnt it be great if we could all act out that scene in american beauty where kevin spacey blackmails his boss into giving him $20000 or he'll claim homosexual abuse and sue him?

yes i think it would, here goes..
(muggins im afraid dave.my mind is going, i can feel it, Fri 24 Feb 2006, 21:32, Reply)

not sacked as such
..but contract not renewed.
Why?
For having an affair with the mistress of my Boss. Like, if it had been his wife I would have not been as surprised as I was.
Funnily enough a couple of months after I left his mistress married some other bloke with more money and the oportunity to get a British passport.

Bitter? No, but very bitter spending the next 4 years unemployed until I removed all my qualifications (including PhD) from my CV.
(cargo, Fri 24 Feb 2006, 19:53, Reply)

Ugh
Telemarketers. Cunts. Got a talking to from the bitch bosses for not working hard enough when the sales were completely based on luck. It was whoever was at the end of the line (the most annoying thing was trying to sell law books to school headmasters) that mattered, nothing wrong with my blagging skills. But no. Miserable minimum wage, co-workers old gossipy bitches or sexist old tosspots, and bloody awful radio stations on from 8AM until the afternoon. I lasted, what, three months? More or less. It was so bloody humiliating that eventually I fucked off on sick leave because of depression, lost my will to live there. Best thing I ever did.
(Auntie Dalek molester extraordinaire, Fri 24 Feb 2006, 19:46, Reply)

Cleaning faux pas
My first ever proper job (after paper rounds) was cleaning at a chemical factory in the evenings after school. On my very first day the supervisor got me to basically do all the work (and I mean all), whilst he and the other cleaners sat around smoking and talking. At the end of a very long and dirty foru our shift and woman came up to me and asked how my first day was. To which I replied:

'Well apart from that fat b******d making do all the work it's been just dandy thanks for asking'.

To which she replied:

'That fat b******d is my Dad and I'm going to grass you up.'

Nadgers! Cue a very embarrasing few minutes whilst she, he and the other cleaners had a rant at me.

I got a phone call the next morning saying I was 'surplus to requirements'. Twunts. Lucky escape for me though - it was grim and they all had BO.
(Vapour Trail, Fri 24 Feb 2006, 18:53, Reply)

The Jerry Maguire Moment
I used to work for a hideous kitchen fitting company thats main aim seemed to be how many times they could get complained to "Watchdog". The boss looked like a obese Boss Hogg and would openly look at porn on his PC while eating fried chicken and shouting abuse at people becuase he could. It really was a nasty place to work and due to Boss Hoggs lack of working contracts staff would often just walk off in a rage only to sheepishly return the next day.
It was so nasty in fact, I made the not very difficult decision to leave as soon as the belated wage cheque had cleared in my bank account, I simply had to time it right in the acceptable "walking off rage" fashion.
Answering all the phone calls that day, hoping to get a furiously disgruntled customer that would allow me to get angry enough to walk out didn't happen, instead every caller was being rather pleasant, then at lunchtime I saw my colleagues phone ringing with a number that I recognised as a furious customer, sadly he was also being pleasant but I started getting annoyed anyway which sparked him off, it was lunchtime and technically I wasn't being paid anymore so this was it, my Jerry Maguire moment...so I threw the phone down, shouted "RIGHT!thats fucking it! I've had with this fucking place!" and stood up to see that everyone bar the work experience girl and the bloke who hated it as much as me had gone out. The girl just looked at me shrugged and carried on arranging paperclips, the bloke shrugged and said "see ya then" and I walked off a bit disappointed that I didn't get to take on Boss Hogg in verbal battle.

Months later I bumped into another colleague who told me that no-one believed the work experience girl or the bloke and they all thought that I took a long lunch break, which then turned into "he'll be back tomorrow" then "yeah, back Monday, a new week and all that" this carried on for a month even though no-one bothered to call to ask me. Boss Hogg was furious, suddenly had contracts for everyone drawn up and claimed that if he ever saw me again he'd beat the shit out of me, a claim I'm still waiting to put to the test.

So I wasn't actually sacked, but it was very satisfying.

PS: Sorry for all those people that stayed and had to work out a months notice because of me!
(Anarchy Duck, Fri 24 Feb 2006, 18:50, Reply)

Nursery
I got sacked from a nursery for growing pot in the polytunnels.

this concludes my report on the three times I was sacked.
(thx1138, Fri 24 Feb 2006, 18:15, Reply)

Petrol Station
I also got sacked from a petrol station for stealing £1,500. Which was a blistering lie. It was nearly £6k
(thx1138, Fri 24 Feb 2006, 18:14, Reply)

Trolley Collector
I had a job collecting supermarket trolleys at Safeways, and was sacked when I came in with a blue mohican haircut.
(thx1138, Fri 24 Feb 2006, 18:13, Reply)

Sackings
Imagine my surprise when my boss (who I was rather attracted to and had been having an affair with) told me he needed to have a private meeting with me. "Yipppee" I thought rather prematurely. We went into a meeting room and some bint from HR told me they had to "terminate my contract" cos my work wasn't up to par. Consolation was that I didn't like the job anyway and boss looked like he was gonna cry during the whole thing. I had to be escorted out of the building like some criminal, but left laughing.
As for my work, it seems I made 3 typos and missed out two spaces in documents...in three months. What a terrible track record - nob-ends!!
(titihood, Fri 24 Feb 2006, 18:02, Reply)