three horrific assemblies of doom spring to mind
part 1

a 7 year old swipe asks her mum for a pair of black tights for her part as a computer in the class assembly. when my mother asked what i was wearing with it, i told her it was a tunic. so she gave me an old pair that had a big hole/ladder. unfortunately, said "tunic" was actually a cardboard sandwich board, with vague 1980's computer symbols painted on. when i turned around to climb up onto my bench to say my lines, the entire room was treated to the sight of my naked asscrack.

"oooh, someone's mother must be cringing," the mother sitting next to mine whispered sympathetically to her. "i know, can you imagine??" my mother replied... i was every day of 21 before she told me this story (at my fucking birthday party), and had been blissfully ignorant until that point. oh well, i guess it was worse for the audience.

part 2

an 11 year old swipe and her best mate joanna were picked to play judas and jesus respectively in the assembly performance of some biblical shite. jesus strode ahead of me, and his big horned feet pushed the blocks that made up the temporary stage apart. he fell through the gap with a cry of despair - but not before he did the spakkadance and cartwheeling arms on the edge, and pulled judas down with him.

the audience (which included a load of nuns, catholic primary school) were then treated to waving legs and knickers and some most un-jesus-like language, until peter and paul rescued us.

part 3

believe it or not, the guy who came up with this novel form of torture was the school chaplain. a supposed man of the cloth. he decided it would be a good idea if, on valentine's day, a bucket were to be passed around assembly and people could write notes to their boyfriend/girlfriends.

or, in other words, carte blanche to embarrass your mates and enemies by revealing their crushes to the world. it was the most cringeworthy thing you can imagine (even worse than when he got out his guitar or when he rapped hymns). i was incredibly lucky because about 25 people told me they'd written a lovenote to the teacher i was famously in love with (turned out to be gay, FML) and none of them got read out.

however, jesus-joanna was not so lucky, and the object of her affection was notified of her love for him in front of 300 adolescents and about 30 smirking teachers.

hideous!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 13:49, 22 replies)

The chaplain was a nonce.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 13:52, closed)

so you've always been a slag?

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 14:26, closed)

That doesn't need to be a question.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 14:29, closed)

i know and i hadn't even got to part 4
where 17 year old swipe juggles her tits like a pair of netballs for 20 mins on stage
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 14:47, closed)

Netballs?
I imagined them to be more like a meatball in a condom.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 15:17, closed)

let's put aside* the fact that you've imagined them at all
and go for two old and slightly soggy tennis balls in the bottom of a pair of 70 denier tights


* BY WHICH I MEAN HIGHLIGHT
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 17:10, closed)

I missed the bit in the Bible about Jesus having horned feet

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 14:45, closed)

don't be daft
this wasn't the real jesus

this was just my friend joanna in a long dress
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 14:47, closed)

Did Joanna have trouble finding shoes to fit her horned feet?

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 15:19, closed)

Well, she was a stupid heartless bitch so I doubt anyone cared.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 16:19, closed)

Bwahaha!
I love this.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 16:43, closed)

Yup
^ what he said. Clicks all round.
(woodkat loves comic sans, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 22:18, closed)

I missed the bit on the internet
when you weren't a complete and utter spastic
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 15:09, closed)

Pointing out that you are a bellend, here.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 15:15, closed)

Well done
I prefer the term cunt, just so you know
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 15:23, closed)

Yeah but if I say that you'll just try shoving a toy up my post and taking a picture.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 15:26, closed)

This makes even less sense than your usual spastic flailings
Do you need me to call a nurse or something?
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 15:35, closed)

Hey now, it's not my fault you can't read.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 16:18, closed)

I can read, I just don't speak retard

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 16:42, closed)

Speak it? You're the Samuel fucking Johnson of it, you witless turd.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 17:58, closed)

This must win.
Please like this story and link to it on Twitard or whatever new social network site where you can wank yourself in front of your personal jizz cam, I believe it is KIK but whatever.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 14 Jun 2013, 21:01, closed)

alright jimmy

( rachelswipe with a fork, Sat 15 Jun 2013, 1:01, closed)