I used to work as a warden in a women's prison
There was a woman who was doing eighteen months for diddling her work out of £170,000 of expenses and buying herself a house with the profits.

When she arrived at the start of her sentence, she took a position in the kitchens where she proved quite a talent in culinary skills, raising the bar as far as feeding the scum of society is concerned.

We gradually got to know each other as one of my responsibilities at the prison was what we used to call a "mess minder" - a trumped-up dinner lady with handcuffs. We would make sure all the cutlery was returned and they behaved themselves during meals.

As the months of her sentence passed, we grew closer and closer. I knew there was sexual tension there - she wasn't unattractive and I am always gagging for it. Plus, it was obviously totally against the rules which made it all the more tempting.

And it came to pass - an opportunity to meet up in the kitchens during downtime and have ourselves an illicit fumble and hopefully a chance at a sodding good shag.

I shaved extra-close that morning, making sure I looked and smelled great, and once I got into work, I headed over to the kitchens to meet this pretty temptress.

As I entered, there were a few other girls there preparing dishes, and my potential lay wandered over and informed me the date was off - she'd been tasked to cook two-hundred stuffed mushrooms.

So that was that. My...

Sex Miss-con cep shun.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 16:49, 11 replies)

No no no
Just No.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 16:54, closed)

Yup.
I'm in trouble!
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 17:05, closed)

Let me know when you get to the funny bit

( Hankster, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 16:56, closed)

They have
square broom handles in womens prisons apparently
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 17:03, closed)

I have a pun already...

But even I know when it's too early...

Or do I?
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 25 Sep 2008, 17:13, closed)

Seriously
I had no idea there was any etiquette regarding puns, and this is my first ever attempt at one. Perhaps I should delete it if the feeling is strong?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 17:16, closed)

Pun etiquette:
Puns may be submitted on the Tuesday and following days on an average question.

On a good question, puns are limited to the end Thursday.

On a shit question (i.e. last week's) puns are acceptable and indeed encouraged from the beginning of the QOTW onwards.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 18:01, closed)

It's wednespunday
dammit! I'm determined that this phrase will enter common use, even if it is hard to type.

Actually, scratch that. It's shite.
(Stu Moo winner of five nobble piece prizes, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 22:04, closed)

no
do it do it

It's never too early.
( rofl harris, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 17:37, closed)

Apparently
^ it is.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 18:13, closed)

Coat
Now!
( weaver., Thu 25 Sep 2008, 17:31, closed)