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This is a question Biggest Sexual Regret

Our glorious leader Rob asks: Most of us have done it, right? You've seen a grown lady/man naked, right? What's your biggest regret connected to The Acts of Venus? "Your Mum" does not an answer make, but big fat lies about threesomes are welcome.

(, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 13:34)
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Pearoast, as it's still definitely this ...
Ooooooooh I was at a sexy lady's house party and liquored up on eight cans of Irish Harp. Seventeen, thrusting, and full of spunky lust. Despite the aggressive boil on my nose and my flaking scalp, I fancied myself as quite a catch. I'd just successfully muttered along to Rapper's Delight (the LONG version bitches), and was working my way through U Can't Touch This. In short, I was on fire.

Idly playing the air drums, my roving eye scanned the party and fell on a dwarfish young woman who had been hounding me for some months. I had, weeks previously, sucked her mouth for sport, and found it to have a curiously pungent taste – like plaque and cigar smoke mixed with dogshit and chips. Mmmmmmm.

She kept casting dewy-eyed glances my way. Those curiously black-ringed eyes on her unfeasibly large freckled head had me all confused. Extending one stumpy finger from her awkward and pale boy-hand, she sexily beckoned me over, running her other hand through her mannish hair. Giddiness swept through me. I stepped outside for some air. Oh, goodness, a bunch of folk with a bottle of vodka. Give us a swig on that.

Gulp gulp gulp

and –––––––––––––––––– morning.

I'm in a bed. I'm still at the party house. I'm alone. But dark thoughts are nipping at the back of my mind, like an Alan Partridge striptease fantasy. And there's a form on the floor, covered in duvets.

Gingerly I leaned out of bed and pulled a corner of the duvet back, revealing a chillingly large vision of wine-stained teeth, distended eye lids and a masculine short back and sides. She was sleeping, and dressed. I was safe. But still … those ominous flashes in my mind. Fleeting, millisecond sensations of a nipple like a tube of Polos being rolled sickeningly between my fingers like a cannibal's spliff. A cow's long black tongue thrashing around in my mouth.

No. It couldn't have happened. I'd remember something like that. Wouldn't I? Yes, I would. And I didn't. So it didn't happen. Fuck it, time for a shit.

I wobbled my way out of the bedroom, across the landing and into the bathroom. Plonking myself down on the throne, I started playing through the events of the evening. It was fine. I got drunk, went to bed and went to sleep. That's it. Nothing dark happened. I'd have remembered. I'm sure I would have remembered.

Then something struck me. Or rather, the absence of something struck me.
The bathroom was completely quiet.

I was unleashing a gallon of piss into the toilet bowl, and yet the whole room was fucking SILENT.

Not wanting to, but unable to resist, I slowly looked down between my legs.

Bobbing off the end of my cock was a grossly swollen condom full to bursting with piss and sperm, and covered with red slime and matted pubes.

Have you ever heard a man howl like a dying wolf? I have.
(, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 14:58, 25 replies)
this remains
poetically hideous. click.
(, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 15:01, closed)
I clicked this the first time round...
...and I'm clicking it again. Top stuff
(, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 15:03, closed)
oh god. the horror.
(, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 15:06, closed)
First reading was great.
Second reading was great.

Click out of click.
(, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 15:07, closed)
Oh dear Lord.
Click, with added sympathy.
(, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 15:10, closed)

(, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 15:11, closed)
How much piss will a condom hold,
before slipping off a limp penis?
(, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 15:17, closed)
A surprising amount.
Its purchase on my cock was aided greatly by the dozens of sweaty pubes that had creeped under the 'neck' during the night.

On reflection, 'full to bursting' is a bit of an exaggeration though.
(, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 15:31, closed)
I don't know why I asked.
I knew I wouldn't like the answer.

Grim tale, my friend. Grim tale.
(, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 15:41, closed)
The bit about this that makes me laugh is what happened after I found 'the horror'.
I somehow had to manoeuvre this wobbling beast off my dick without covering my hands in piss and spunk. And because I couldn't think straight, rather than doing this whilst still sat on the toilet, I awkwardly crab-scuttled to the bin in the corner and started gingerly unrolling it while making pathetic little ''ooooh nonoooo, ohhhh nonnoooooooonooooo" sounds. Then I had to hurry back to the toilet with it and up-end all the syrupy goodness into the bowl, thus ending up clutching the thing in my fist with blobs of her gut slime seeping between my fingers.
(, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 15:51, closed)
It just gets better (or worse)!
Did you make her breakfast, or make a hasty exit?
(, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 15:54, closed)
Ah dear, this is where it got a bit unpleasant.
I lurched out of the bathroom in complete fucking shock at what I'd just had to cope with, and she came out of the bedroom at the same time. I was clutching the railings at the top of the stairs and just muttered "I feel fucking awful."
She very haughtily snapped "Not HALF as bad as I feel," stormed past and locked herself in the bathroom. The girl whose house it was ended up going in there with a mate after about twenty minutes of very obvious crying.

It turns out she'd never had sex before, and very very VERY much regretted losing her virginity to a shitfaced idiot with a boil on his nose, who fell asleep on top of her immediately after ejaculating.

The whole episode was a real low point for all concerned.
(, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 16:18, closed)

(, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 16:29, closed)
I know.

(, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 16:42, closed)
Excellent for the second time
particularly "A cow's long black tongue thrashing around in my mouth."
(, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 15:22, closed)
I think I 'met' her at a party as well.
(, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 15:37, closed)
I'm still not sure.....
....where the horror is in this.
(, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 16:32, closed)
A beautifully written portrayal of an utter train wreck
(, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 16:53, closed)
Hahahaha, excellently told. The horror, the horror! Click.
(, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 17:09, closed)
Oh dear god.

(, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 21:29, closed)
"Have you ever heard a man howl like a dying wolf?"
I have.
(, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 2:50, closed)
too much detail...
...and too much "ah shit, that reminds of the time..."

(, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 11:32, closed)
Sweet jesus
Thats Grim
(, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 12:11, closed)
I'm surprised you didn't just cut it off at the base.

(, Sat 10 Dec 2011, 23:36, closed)
I'm on the girl's side
well told, but very little respect for another human being. no click
(, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 2:40, closed)

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