Yellow fluffy dusters
Age 17, I'd just passed my driving test, and I was making the most of being one of the few cool kids with their own car in our sixth form.

I'd had an on/off relationship with a nice youny lady called Em for some time, but being so young, we were always breaking up for a few days, getting back together, calling each other on our parents' landlines after school and arguing etc etc. It was never a sold relationship that was set to last.

Anyway - during one of the periods of 'broken up', I took a fond interest in Emma's best friend, a nice but rather needy young lady who I shall call Rachael, as her real name is so unique that this post would probably frontpage google if I put it in! 16 year old Rachael had never had a boyfriend, but showed a great interest in me. So one lunchtime at school, I went for a 'drive' up to a local park with Rachael, parked up, and we ended up kissing and groping in the front seat of my G-reg Fiesta. Within minutes she'd unzipped my cheap and itchy polyester school trousers and was giving her first ever blowjob. Come to think of it, I don't think I'd had one before that day either!

Well, after a few minutes of southerly pleasure, the inevitable happened, she shot back up from my lap with a grimacing look on her face and a rather gargled 'oh my GOD' and gestured that she might be sick. I gave her the only thing that I had to hand to help her clean up - a yellow duster that I used to de-mist the windows, which left lots of yellow fluffy bobbles on her top lip as she wiped her face.

The regret you ask? That despite this promissing start with Rachael, I got back with Emma, who was much less adventurous and rarely if ever offered such treats. And then we broke up a year later anyway.

Feeling like she wanted to get back at me for going back to Em, Rachael called me out of the blue a few months later to tell me that she now had a proper boyfriend, and she'd 'let him do her up the arse' and everything! I had really missed out!
(harrypitta friends with the chilli saucerer, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 16:56, 41 replies)

I'm disappointed that...
...the yellow duster didn't have a bigger part in the story. Something to do with your mum borrowing it to clean her glasses or something.

Why don't you go back and edit it. We won't mind if it's not quite true. Honest!
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 17:14, closed)

No no no.
His mum licks it and uses it to dab the sleep from his eyes.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 17:46, closed)

No no no, I've got it
He's giving his mum and his little sister a lift, the sister gets muck on her face and the mum licks the duster and uses it to clean gunk off his little sister's face!

...and then sneezes into it.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 17:54, closed)

You should be Editor of Vogue.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 18:01, closed)

No no no it happend like this
his sister and mum needed to go toilet but there was no tissue so the pair ripped and shared the duster nine months later he has a sister and niece who both bear a very similar likeness to him, his dad left his mum because he had a snip so it couldn't be his , his sister who had a boyfriend who asked her to marry him split because he thought she was cheating on him but in fact it turns out that his dad was cheating with the boy friend all along and the shocking thing thing is
he admitted to owning a fiesta !
had a been me i would have said razzle
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 20:50, closed)

And they all got
addicted to Heroin to drown their misery, and died of aids.
(username failed moderation, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 16:22, closed)

Can I just ask
whereabouts you went to school? This tale sounds VERY familiar to me and I want to check we're not talking about the same person. If by some coincidence Rachael turns out to be the girl I tink, then I shall tell my own tale of sexual regret involving her.
(ConanTroutman thought we would free the vulture, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 17:24, closed)

bet you dont!

( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 21:24, closed)

The school was near
... Slough!

If you do by some coincidence know Rachael, I don't suppose that you're the person that took her up the arse?

Either way, looking forward to your story :-)
(harrypitta friends with the chilli saucerer, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 21:46, closed)

This is so romantic.
I might throw up.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 17:32, closed)

I'll wipe your lips with this duster if you like.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 18:01, closed)

AWWwww shambo you old romantic dog you
you can be so tender when you want to be
*coy flushes*
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 21:23, closed)

I'm totally channelling Casanova here.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:40, closed)

Part deux
Romantic? There's a sequel to this event where Rachael came over to my parents' house a week or two later (I have no idea whether I was off or on with Emma at that time), and after a bit of gropery, I decided I'd be kinky / romantic & we'd have a hot and steamy bath together. Just like in the sexy movies. I was sure this would end up with sex, which we'd not partaken in yet.

Unfortunately, it was about 2pm on a weekday, and having got her naked and up for the bubbly bath idea, the hot water heating had been off for a few hours and the half-filled bath was now only filling with cold. And the bubble bath didn't bubble impressively. And the shitty ivory coloured bathroom suite can't have been a turn on. She valiantly got in the Luke-warm bath, I got in & discovered that you can't really squeeze 2 people in a bath, and if you do, it's hard to get any action going, and it was all a bit lame.

We got out, shivered, got dry & dressed again, and watched TV. My mum later got home from work and asked why there was no hot water..
(harrypitta friends with the chilli saucerer, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 23:16, closed)

Ha ha
Brilliant. English middle class porn.
(Smale is stuffed, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 3:55, closed)

Why didn't you post this instead of the original... it would have won hands down

( lucosade is counting down the minutes until, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 17:46, closed)

Trying to think of a spunkduster gag based on Ghostbuster lyrics, but it just won't come. Unlike you.
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Mon 12 Dec 2011, 22:45, closed)

If there's something warm
In your genital tubes
What you gonna grab?
Spunkduster!
An irrestible call
To evacuate your balls
What you gonna grab?
Spunkduster!

How hard can it be to cobble together a half-arsed rhyme, you lazy shit.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 8:54, closed)

I'm not lazy, I just can't be arsed.

Anyway, he wasn't talking about having a wank.
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 9:37, closed)

Nice reply.
You managed to sound both petulant and stupid at the same time.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:37, closed)

It's a gift
One I prefer to unwarranted aggression.
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 14:10, closed)

Awwww. Wud oo wike a cuggleschnuggle?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 14:35, closed)

Physician. heal thyself.
You seem like you might need it.
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 15:07, closed)

Is that a yes or a no?
Don't leave me cuggle-hanging here.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 15:13, closed)

Should have guessed that subtlety's not your strong point
And it's a no. Unless it helps with your rehabilitation.
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 15:29, closed)

This is completely unacceptable bullying.
You should be banned.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 15:43, closed)

Fuck it.
Let's just delete all accounts above 20k and eliminate 95% of crybabies in one fell swoop.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 15:44, closed)

Dude. Harsh.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 15:44, closed)

Now now...
Don't get upset. We don't want you to burst a bood vessel. I was a bit busy, is all...
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 16:43, closed)

<a href="http://www.b3ta.com/questions/sexyregrets/post1468477">www.b3ta.com/questions/sexyregrets/post1468477</a>

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 17:00, closed)

I'm NOT petulant
NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT.

So there.
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 17:19, closed)

http://goo.gl/Bq1pI

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 17:21, closed)

So now you're Superfly?

(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 18:28, closed)

I've been superfly since you were in superman y-fronts.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 19:02, closed)

Who said I stopped wearing them?
Since that Red Kryptonite explosion on the inside, I haven't had the strength to take them off.
(zebideedoodah likes florence but prefers venice, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 21:48, closed)

I call bullshit
based purely on the line 'Come to think of it I don't think I'd had (a blowjob) before that day either!'.

You'd know.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:19, closed)

This ^^

( P-MONKE We're all fucked, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:22, closed)

No bullshit
It was real! What I meant was that looking back now (12 years), I can't remember whether I'd had one from Em before that point, or whether that was indeed the first. I know it was Rachael's first from the sheer look of unexpected terror on her face when the moment came! Most of what had happened up until that point with my proper girlfriend - Em - was just uneasy, uneducated fumbling. You know the type that occurs whilst hanging around in dark corners of parks late at night...

I still have the Rachael girl as a 'friend' on faceache, but as she's now a lawyer and I don't have money to defend a libel case, that's why I changed her name :-)
(harrypitta friends with the chilli saucerer, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:42, closed)

I'm voting "true" on all of this.
It's all too achingly tragic and mediocre and overflowing with the indignity of adolescence to be made up.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:48, closed)

he might have had the suspicion
that he'd been sucked off in his sleep by a family member
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 10:23, closed)

Of course! I should have realised. We all have that problem don't we?
Don't we?

<sub>Don't we?

Hello?</sub>
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Tue 13 Dec 2011, 11:03, closed)