What's grosser than gross?
When you have Siamese twins joined at the mouth, and one throws up.
(Speccy, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 22:24, Reply)

Why could Jesus walk on water?

Shit floats
(Speccy, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 22:18, Reply)

What's the similarity between a steak and kidney pie and an old woman's cunt?
You've got to bite through the crust and jelly to get to the meat.
(Spin Doctor, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 22:11, Reply)

Pretty crap but...
Part of a conversation between Henri Paul and Dodi Fayed.

Dodi: "Come out tonight with me and Di"
(Lord of my Ring, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 21:57, Reply)

The results are in
After the autopsy, French police concluded that Henri Paul (Princess Diana's driver) WAS on drugs.

Turns out he used speed and then smack.
(Lord of my Ring, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 21:53, Reply)

'nother one
What's red and white and sees stars?

A seal being clubbed.
(Lord of my Ring, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 21:50, Reply)

First of many
Why can't Ray Charles read?

Because he's black.

Old joke so you could probably substitute dead for black, or Stevie Wonder for Ray Charles.
(Lord of my Ring, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 21:49, Reply)

what goes in long and hard and comes out soft and sticky?
chewing gum
(ProduceMonkey, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 21:45, Reply)

A young man
and his girlfriend were expecting their first baby; both were very naive about baby-care.

Soon the time came when the girlfriend was rushed to hospital to give birth.
The young man was eager to help but felt left out.

The morning after the birth, the midwife asked if the father would like to give his new baby a bath, to which he said he would. Off he trotted, happy to be able to feel useful.

After five minutes the midwife popped her head round the bathroom door to see the man with his fingers up the baby's nostrils, dragging it back and forth across the top of the bath water.

"What are you doing!", she exclaimed. "That's not the way to bath a baby".

The young man looked up at her and said, "it is when the water's this fucking hot".
(ProduceMonkey, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 21:35, Reply)

Aah..Baby Seals
What is a baby seal's favourite drink?

Canadian Club on the rocks...
(Dizzy Bob loves nuts, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 21:31, Reply)

what have anabolic steroids
and the Ku Klux Klan got in common?


they both make niggers run like fuck!
(ProduceMonkey, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 21:27, Reply)

what's red and damp and lies in the corner of a chippy?


abortion of chips
(ProduceMonkey, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 21:25, Reply)

On the same thread..
Whats the difference between a baby and a dartboard?

A dartboard doesnt scream when you throw 3 darts in its eye!
(Gerbra, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 21:25, Reply)

Baby jokes R us..
Whats sicker than the pile of dead babies in the corner of garage?

The live one at the bottom of the pile eating his way out!
(Gerbra, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 21:23, Reply)

what's
Pink stiff and doesn't fit in the morning?


A dead epileptic
( hairy les, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 21:23, Reply)

Not actually a joke, like I give a fuck!
There was a young man called Dave
who found a dead whore in a cave
he said, "just my luck to get a cold fuck,
but think of the money I'll save".

There's plenty more....
(ProduceMonkey, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 21:22, Reply)

Im not Rasist but..
What Do adolf hitler and Paula radcliffe have in common?

Neither can finish a race !
(Gerbra, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 21:22, Reply)

Why do Jewish people have big noses?
Because the air is free.
( lohr, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 21:17, Reply)

hmmm
Why did the young Greek boy leave home?

He was fed up with the way he was being reared...


Why did he go back?

He couldn't bare to leave his younger brothers behind.
(Papagato RackSpanner, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 21:02, Reply)

while on the subject of Jesus
What's the worst thing aout getting a blow job from jesus?
the crown of thorns keeps poking you in the stomach.
(La Chockita, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 20:49, Reply)

little girl talking to her mum in the kitchen...
she says "mummy, i don't want mince-meat for dinner..."
her mother replies "shut up and put your legs back in the grinder you little shit!"

boom-tish
(notjustahatrack peeling a sausage..., Fri 10 Sep 2004, 20:26, Reply)

My favorite jokes
Why do women get yeast infections?
So they to, know what it's like to deal with an irritating cunt every once in a while.

What's 13 inches long, purple and makes women scream?
Crib death

How do you know when your sister is on her period?
Your dad's dick tastes funny

How do you circumcise a redneck?
Kick his sister in the jaw

What do you give a kid that's blind, deaf and retarded for x-mas?
cancer

and there's so many more of these festering in my brain.
(La Chockita, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 20:09, Reply)

Another one...
What's got three legs and lives on a farm in Scotland?

Mr and Mrs McCartney
( Gizmo.mp3 does not exist, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 20:04, Reply)

Sorry, deeply sorry
what do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing. You've told her twice already.
(carpediem, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 19:56, Reply)

Not very good but nostalgic:
What's green and furry? and goes up and down?
A Gooseberry in a lift.

What goes green bzzzzz red?
Frog in a liquidiser.

What do Ronnie Barker and Goatse have in common?
They're both Open All Hours.

Ermm, will go and have a think...
( Gizmo.mp3 does not exist, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 19:54, Reply)

Hmmm. Can't be bothered to trawl,
so almost certainly all been told. Thank god I'm too lazy for it to bother me.

1)
-What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a tin can?
-One's used for storing food, the other fucks kids.

2)
-A feller walks into a pub and sees a huge jar of twenty pound notes on the bar.
He orders a drink and asks the barman: "What's all this? Someone doing a charity thing or something?"
The barman replies, "No mate. Local tradition. Put twenty quid in, we tell the three trials, you do all three and you get the whole jar and all the money in it."
Now, there must be three or four grand in this jar, so the guy decides it's worth a go, and sticks his twenty quid in, and asks, "What are the trials then?"
"Well," replies the barman, "First you have to fight big mad drongo there in the corner..." Indicating a huge man apparently made of beef carcasses and metal. "...and you have to knock him out."
"Second, my fighting pit-bull terrier 'nazi' is in the back garden. He's got a loose tooth. Go out there and pull it out."
"Lastly, my old, mad, granny lives in the attic. She's senile, covered in her own shit and piss, and she hasn't orgasmed in thirty years. You have to make her come."
Now the guy, understandably, feels a bit nervous about all this, but decides he may as well give it a go, since his money's on the line.
He squares up to the big guy, and starts dodging, ducking and weaving, sidestepping every lunge until he finally darts in and lands a perfect uppercut, and the big guy's eyes roll back in his head and he drops to the floor, out cold.
Panting, the challenger then moves to the back door of the pub, and steps out. Inside the pub all the locals have gone quiet, listening intently. They hear a few footsteps, then the sound of running paws, and a terrible roar. Over the next twenty minutes they hear a series of increasingly painful-sounding screams, growls, ripping noises, gristly squelching noises, thuds and most worryingly, the sound of something scratching around the back door.
After this, it all goes quiet again, and the guy steps back into to room. He's cut to shreds, missing two fingers from one hand, dirty, bleeding and crying, and he says...
"Right... Where's the granny with the bad tooth?"

Ba-dum-tish.

3)
-What's the difference between your mum, sister and girlfriend?
-I've not fucked your sister.

4)
-How do you know when you've passed out at Graham Norton's house?
-When you go to the loo, blood shit and cum spray from your ruptured anus.

5)
-How do you know when it's bedtime at neverland??
-It's when the big hand touched the little hand.

6)
-What do you do if a Jew spits at you?
-Turn down the grill and step back.

7A)
-What does a qualified circumsiser get?
-A tip.

7B)
-What does an unqualified circumsiser get?
-The sack.

8)
-What's the worst thing about drinking a newborn-baby-smoothie?
-The sound the mother makes watching you make it.

P. Hull.
( Mockingbird Practitioner of SCIENCE, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 19:53, Reply)

What do you call a bird that can't fly?
That bird off Holby City.
( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 19:53, Reply)

right
What screams?

Jesus, when he's getting nailed to the cross whilst getting cummed upon by hundreds of downers.
(glenbo, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 19:46, Reply)

I just remembered one
It may have been said before but I cant be bothered to read the other pages

This came about after the incident with the space shuttle blowing up

What does NASA stand for?

Need Another Seven Astronaughts
(newcustomerserviceteam, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 19:35, Reply)

Jokes
Why couldn't the cat drink it's milk?
because it didn't have a face.

Why did the boy fall off his swing?
Because someone threw a fridge at him.

Why did the clown fall off his bike?
Because he was hit in the face with an axe.

What screams and bangs on the glass?
A baby in a microwave.

Not that sick, just plain weird. I'll probably be able to think of more
(Anchoivies, anchoivies, you're so delicious, I love you more than all the other fishes., Fri 10 Sep 2004, 19:31, Reply)