Good old gay jokes...
Three men are living together, one is straight, two are a gay couple.
One day, when coming home from work, the straight man hears some splashing sounds from the bathroom. The gay couple are usually out at this time, so he suspects it's an intruder.
He nudges open the bathroom door and leaps in; to see the gay couple pushing a piece of crap to each other, back and forth.
"What the hell are you doing!?" screams the straight guy, somewhat mortified.
"We're teaching our child to swim"


Horrible, I know. And no, it's not just copied and posted from the net, one of my mates told me it the other day.
( Le Brad, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 3:19, Reply)

wrong wrong wrong
so there's three pregnant women sitting in a doctors' surgery, all knitting baby clothes. they're knitting and nattering away, when the first woman takes out a bottle of pills and knocks a couple back.

"what was that?" ask the other two.

"vitamin b" says the woman, "it helps with baby's development".

the other two congratulate her on her responsible approach to her pregnancy, and they carry on knitting and nattering.

the second woman takes out some pills, and swallows them. the other two ask her what they were, and she replies
"folic acid supplement - i read that they help prevent birth defects".
the other two women are very impressed with her, and they all carry on knitting and nattering.

then the third woman takes some tablets, and the other two enquire what they were.

"thalidomide", she replies, knitting busily.

the other two are horrified. "thalidomide?! don't you know what that DOES to your child?!"

"yes", she replies, "but i'm not very good at sleeves..."
(jamtart, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 2:19, Reply)

What's red and has an arm and four legs?
A pitbull in kindergarten.
(Cabus, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 2:10, Reply)

Jacuzzi
There were three gay guys in a jacuzzi when a blob of semem floated to the surface.

"who farted?"
(MeZ, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 2:05, Reply)

For teh aussies
Q. Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
A. Coz it was dead

Q. Why did the 2nd koala fall out of the tree?
A. Sympathy

Q. Why did the 3rd koala fall out of the tree?
A. Peer pressure

Q. Why did the kangaroo drop dead?
A. A koala fell on it
(dreariersphere, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 2:01, Reply)

What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
Goatse with diarrhoea.
( Bob Todd whee, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 1:53, Reply)

I knew I had it somewhere...


( Cromagnon Don't waste my motherfucking time!, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 1:51, Reply)

What's the second most disgusting thing in the world?
When you throw your knickers against a wall and they stay there.

What's the most disgusting thing in the world?
When you come back an hour later and find that they've moved three feet up.
( Bob Todd whee, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 1:50, Reply)

dunno if its been said already...
what's the best part about fucking 28 year olds?

..theres 20 of them.
(aDanger, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 1:46, Reply)

Ho ho
What do you call a Yugoslavian prostitute?

Slobba-down-my-cock-my-bitch
(Wrecked Tums, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 1:45, Reply)

Haven't found these in 20-odd pages, sorry if they're in the four or so I didn't read.
Why are pizza men like gynaecologists?
They can smell it, but they can't eat it.

Why are puppies like gynaecologists?
Wet noses.

Farmer has prize bull. Prize bull won't mate with the cows. Farmer tells his woes to a friend, who is also a farmer. Friend says to stick fingers in cow's fanjita and wipe them on bull's nose. Farmer tries it. Bull mounts cows and fucks them all senseless. Amazed farmer gets brainfart later that night, and decides to try technique on himself and his sleeping wife. Does it and immediately gets a boner. Wakes his wife, saying, 'darling, look at this!'. She says, 'you woke me up just to tell me you had a nosebleed?'
( Bob Todd whee, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 1:44, Reply)

oldie but goodie!
A man comes rushing down to his wife: "dear, I've just dropped the baby in the bath"

"Well, for Gods' sake, get her out then!"

"I can't, the waters too hot."
(Wrecked Tums, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 1:43, Reply)

I read 26 pages of repetition and haven't found these yet
What do you call a russion with three testicles?
Oojanicka Bolokov

what do you call a Russion prostitute?
Onya Backyabitch

Why do brides wear white?
To match the rest of the appliances.

What is the differnece between a woman and a toilet?
You don't need to say "i love you" after using the toilet.

What do you do if you see a epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Throw your washing in.

Why did the leper fail his driving test?
He left his foot on pedal.

One sperm says to another, "how long till we reach the egg?"
The other replies, "A long way yet, we've only just passed the tonsils".

How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler.
(Not sick, but damn funny)

What do you say to a black man in a suit?
"Will the defendant please rise"

What do you say to a black man in a car?
"Stop, thief!"

Where do florida teachers go for thie holidays? All over the Gulf of Mexico.
(SPace Shuttle reference)

How do you make a Space Shuttle cocktail?
Seven up and a dash of Teachers on the rocks

How do you know antonio vasconcellos was a good host?
He let all his guests be found first.
(Marchioness reference)

What's the connection between Di and the national lottery?
They both had a rollover that week.

How do you stop black kids from jumping on the beds?
Velcro on the ceiling

Circumcision : the pay isn't good, but you can keep the tips

Why are the Dutch so relaxed?
Becuase they sent all the uptight ones to South Africa 100 years ago.

What does GAY stand for?
Got Aids Yet?

What does AIDS stand for?
Arse Injected Death Syndrome

What do you call a dog with wings?
Linda McCartney

There is going to be a re-union for survivors of the Herald of Free Enterprise disaster. It starts at 7; doors open at 8 .

Bradford is now a leading fashion centre. Apparently everyone is wearing flares and blazers.
(Bradford Fire reference)

I am an equal opportuntites offender. If anyone is not offended , then I apologise, I'll try and get you next time round.
(beergut, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 1:39, Reply)

Metho + Beer.
This actually happened to me last night. I was at a party with a few of my mates and was getting suitably sloshed in his hot tub with a few friends of the female persuasion. This irritated one of my other friends who were mucking around the bottom of the yard with beerbottles full of metho and lighting them. Anyway, they'd left a beer bottle on fire for a bit and blew it out. Still burning hot and full of metho, he offered me the drink. Me - stupidly - thinking it was a new drink and he was offering it to me grabbed it and took a huge swig. Cut to me spitting hot metho over everyone in the hot tub and scalding my lips. Fun on the bun.

- Edit: Stupid me and my stupid not readingness of the topic title. You know what, Fuck it. I'm adding in my second one.

In Drama in year 9 we all had to do our own Monologue for the exam. Well, I hadn't prepared and before the show had an idea, purchased a big bottle of Green Tomato Sauce with so that I could spray it on people if I started to go badly (I was in year 9... these things are logical back then). Anyway, before the show, I saw one of my mates had a doll and I borrowed it off him. Anyway, show's up - In front of my grade with this doll and the tomato sauce, things went poorly, so I take the bottle of tomato sauce out and poor it on the doll. Cue "YOU FUCKING CUNT" from the guy I'd borrowed the doll off and he comes on stage and beats me half to death in front of everyone there (It's on film also), they let him hit me for about 4 minutes before anyone helped. Anyway, found out later that the doll was given to him by his mum before she died. The moral of the story is, don't put green tomato sauce on things that have value or meaning.

(Sorry about length)
(Nolanistic, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 1:25, Reply)

Dunno if this has already been told...
Whats 12" long and makes a woman scream in the middle of the night?

Cot death

i'm sorry...
(PacStar, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 1:14, Reply)

Been done a million times?
Why can't Stevie Wonder read?

Because he's black.
( Queen of Cheesecake, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 0:43, Reply)

A bartender decides things are going a bit too slow for his place, and the thing he needs to liven things up is live music. He takes out an advert, and immediately gets a response. The bartender schedules an audition, the pianist shows up, sits down at the piano, and plays the most beautiful music the bartender has ever heard.

"That was absolutely amazing!" says the bartender. "What's it called?"

"The Visceral Remains of your Dog Splattered Across Your Sister's Labia," the pianist proudly replies.

"Oh jesus, that's fucking disgusting! Look, you can have the job, just dont tell anyone what your songs are called, alright?"

The pianist agrees, and that weekend is his first performance. After playing a few pieces, the pianist takes a break to use the bathroom. When he comes back a man in the audience stands up and shouts "Hey! You know your fly's open and everyone in the room just got a nasty view of your sweaty nutsack?"

The pianist replies, "Know it? I WROTE it!"
(save a quarter, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 0:28, Reply)

it's not rape
if they're dead
( shin0r, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 0:26, Reply)

A couple more...
Q: How do you make a cat go 'woof'?
A: Douse it in petrol and throw a match on it.

Q: How do you make a dog go 'meow'?
A: Pass it quickly over a circular saw.

Q: What's worse than waking up with a splitting headache?
A: Child abuse.

I did that last joke to my ex girlfriend before we got got together. Now dead-baby jokes went down a storm with this girl, so I thought it would be perfectly safe to pull that little cracker on her as well. Can you guess what's coming next, kids? That's right...

Turns out she was badly abused as a child. I swear my blood turned to liquid nitrogen as I desperately searched for a way to claw my way out of that gaping chasm, and I haven't told that joke since. Dead baby jokes are, however, still fair game...
( Shegetz Chris Kamara's comedy moustache, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 23:44, Reply)

special.. oh so special..
I used to be into babies.. oh.. they'r so tight.. then i moved into dead people.. after all.. they cant say no!

Ive grown up recently and stopped my weyward behaviour- afterall.. it was dead imature!
(Gerbra, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 23:39, Reply)

MMMmmore sick jokes :P
whats the best thing about fucking an 8yr old?

Pull her hair right back and she looks like a 6yr old!
(Gerbra, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 23:37, Reply)

This isn't quite a joke. Sick none the less though
Is it pedophilia if they're dead?
(notthatgreg, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 23:27, Reply)

Not sure if this has been done. Can't be arsed reading them all.
What is the best thing about fucking a 3 y.o. girl?
Rolling her over and pretending it's a boy.

What is the worst thing about it?
Getting the blood off your clown suit.
(notthatgreg, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 23:24, Reply)

do i care if these have already been posted, you're gonna read these.
Q: What's pink and climbs up women's legs?
A: A homesick abortion

Q: What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?
A: Having a Miscarriage

Q: Why did Jesus get all the chicks?
A: Cos he was hung like this (holds arms out wide, like crucifixion)

Q: Why did so many black guys die during the Vietnam War?
A: 'cos every time the generals shouted "Get Down" they started dancing.

Q: What's pink and red and sits in the corner getting smaller and smaller?
A: A baby with a carving knife.

Just a note, I'm already going to hell- I told my aunty the joke "What's blue and doesn't fit? A Dead Epileptic". Then I found out she had epilepsy. Bum.(*but I get bonus points? so there may be light)
(CustardCar is riding the back. with a hat., Fri 10 Sep 2004, 22:54, Reply)

Terrible
Bob and his wife are expecting a baby. It's been 9 months and the baby is due at any time. One day, Bob gets a call at work, and a voice on the line says, "come down right away, your wife is going into labor!"

After half an hour of traffic and frantic driving, Bob finally makes it to the hospital. He runs inside, and searches high and low for his wife, with no success. Finally he stumbles upon the nursery, and he sees a young nurse. She's holding a bundle of cloth, and from it a tiny little head pokes out. "Sir," says the nurse, "this is your baby." Bob is astonished, and a wave of joy rushes over him.

The nurse drops the baby on the floor.

Bob goes apeshit. "WHAT THE FUCK are you DOING!" he shouts.

Then the nurse starts to kick the baby around on the floor like a soccer ball. After she's done with that, she picks the baby up and throws it against the wall. "Stop it! STOP! You're killing my baby!" says Bob. The nurse turns and smiles.

"April Fools! It was dead when you got here."
(MR KEARNS, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 22:51, Reply)

Why do babies have that soft spot on the top of their heads?
So you can carry 5 in each hand.
(blagpuss, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 22:51, Reply)

Date with a Gorilla
A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very cranky, and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright.

So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Mike was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may come out of this."

The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Mike, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."
(MR KEARNS, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 22:49, Reply)

What's grosser than gross?
When you bite into a Mars Bar and find veins in it.
(Speccy, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 22:31, Reply)

What's grosser than gross?
When you kiss your grandma, and she slips you the tongue
(Speccy, Fri 10 Sep 2004, 22:28, Reply)