ugly bastards
Face like a smashed crab.
Head like a dropped pie.
Ugly as a hat full of arseholes.
you get the idea....

and i'll go you one better than an Alsations ear... like a mouse's ear (damn tight!)
(woobwoob, Mon 2 Feb 2004, 16:06, Reply)

One used by myself and a few select mates
WWW - description of a fit girl.

Well Worth a Wank
( Weetobix, Mon 2 Feb 2004, 16:02, Reply)

When slang backfires
My friends and I have a series of ongoing jokes, the most common of these is said after every sentence uttered. For example.
"Look! That car has wood panelling!"
"I'll wood panel you!" (said with a clenched fist)
"Your MOM has wood panelling!"

So one day five of us are planning to go out somewhere, and Cheese (yes my friend is called Cheese) says "We can go in my car, but it'll be a little tight in back."

My sister pipes up, "Your MOM'S a little tight in back!" Hilarity ensues.

To this day, she swears it was an accident.
(ghettobooty, Mon 2 Feb 2004, 15:57, Reply)

In my family,
girls had monkeys and boys had thingies. This was good thinking on my mother's part, as one day I was in a shop and spotted shoe polish in a can. Being about 3 years old, I thought the can had diaper rash cream in it, and held it up announcing "Monkey grease, mommy! Monkey grease!"

Of course, nobody else in the store had a clue what I was going on about.
(ghettobooty, Mon 2 Feb 2004, 15:52, Reply)

Pikey
The correct term for the burberry-cap-wearing FCUK-t-shirt-trackie-bottoms-trainers half-a-tache underclass are pikies. Or Pikey, singular.
(SneakyPete, Mon 2 Feb 2004, 15:50, Reply)

My brother...
... uses the phrase 'same-heads' to refer to people with down syndrome.
(basshedz2, Mon 2 Feb 2004, 15:43, Reply)

Backies, Seater's , Takies or Croggies
As a kid, you would give a mate a lift on yer Raleigh Striker if they asked "Give us a Backy?" As an ex whippet handler, living in Brookie land, I've had many an argument about the correct term. I go for the Queen's english term for this, which is "Backy" as stated by the lovely piece of crumpet Kirsty Gallager on the unfunny Kirsty's home movies. Which would you go for?
(Barx, Mon 2 Feb 2004, 15:42, Reply)

Jamie Theakston's
Living in an area where multi accented (mainly southern) students are prevelent, you get to see loads of student clones. These lads are all 6ft plus, look the same and sport a Jamie Theakston hairdo; circa 1998 - 99..... Not bitter at all.
(Barx, Mon 2 Feb 2004, 15:27, Reply)

Swimming outside the think tank
Let's hammer it into the ground and see if the nice dog pisses up it.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Mon 2 Feb 2004, 15:26, Reply)

A couple of good uns
On a recent trip to The States, which my mother very kindly paid for as a birthday treat i discovered the following saying:- She's that f*ckin ugly ya wouldn't take her night fishing..... And one of my own:- She's got one on her like an Alsations Ear! ..........Twat
(Mapper, Mon 2 Feb 2004, 15:17, Reply)

Spunk
Several slang names for spunk that have been used by members of my band over the past few years:

MANFAT
BABY GRAVY
BOLLOCKNAISE
COCK SNOT
JOY GLOY
FUCKMUCK
APHRODITE'S ARALDITE
BALL BARF

BLORT - this is specific, and actually the correct name for the substance semen turns into when it hits hot bath water.
(Catchag "You know!....For Kids!", Mon 2 Feb 2004, 15:10, Reply)

More...
Back in primary school in Ireland, we used to call nuns "MickeyDodgers" or "KnobDodgers".
This has now evolved amongst our group to mean lesbians also.

The act of oral sex performed by MickeyDodgers is reffered to by us as "Drinking From the Furry Cup"

Following up on Cromulant from earlier. We also have a couple of Simpsons related ones

Good/Bad squishy = Something very good/bad

Carnie Code = Used to indicate a breaking of a friend's trust. So, if you shag his bird, that's "Breaking the carnie code"
(cousteau, Mon 2 Feb 2004, 14:54, Reply)

MINK!
Tinker, person who lives in a caravan/looks like they need a wash/farter/scabby woman up for anything. Chiefly Aberdonian use - never heard it used elsewhere.

E.g. Person 1; Parp! Person 2; Hemmin ye fuckin MINK
(fudge the return of the man with the cat on his head, Mon 2 Feb 2004, 14:51, Reply)

A face like...
...a bulldog licking piss off a nettle. Used (natch) of ugly women.

Also, a commonly used derogatory term for male homosexuals is "chutney ferret".

And north American airlines all now seem to refer to disembarking an aircraft as "deplaning".

And it almost goes without saying that the standard greeting is now "Lo, [insert name]", followed by a 5 second pause before the other party replies "Lo". Jonti has a lot to answer for!

Plenty more where they came from.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Mon 2 Feb 2004, 14:49, Reply)

Spoon
If we're talking plain insults, one of my favourites from a few years back should be used if someone is being lazy and asks you to get something for them, especially if they want something from the kitchen:

"Hey can you make me a cuppa?"
"How about I get you a spoon and you can eat my ass!?"
(Peej., Mon 2 Feb 2004, 14:48, Reply)

Back in 5,
goin fer a Brad Pitt ;)
(fudge the return of the man with the cat on his head, Mon 2 Feb 2004, 14:47, Reply)

The best!
Gay bloke = Uphill gardener!
(fudge the return of the man with the cat on his head, Mon 2 Feb 2004, 14:45, Reply)

wicked good
dunno what that is all about - I keep on hearing people put the word 'wicked' infront of words.

"Wicked Good this smoke man"
"That arse is wicked bad"
etc.
(JBoom, Mon 2 Feb 2004, 14:45, Reply)

A Buckie flick
When ones thumb is lodged up a womans rear and index finger is firmly placed inside the front bottom - then try snapping yer fingers :)
(fudge the return of the man with the cat on his head, Mon 2 Feb 2004, 14:44, Reply)

shammy halo
a womans privates.
(JBoom, Mon 2 Feb 2004, 14:43, Reply)

Face ...
... Like a coo's arse on a frosty mornin'!
Or Face like a bulldog chewin a wasp
(fudge the return of the man with the cat on his head, Mon 2 Feb 2004, 14:41, Reply)

Students
who wear rugby shirts standing around in bars guffawing and acting like pricks are affectionately referred to as "Collar Jockeys" they also have lo look a tad gay."homme" (pronounced like the french)would be a blatantly gay person
(fudge the return of the man with the cat on his head, Mon 2 Feb 2004, 14:38, Reply)

Westcountry Colloquialism
n.~ Yoguartweaver - one engaged in a pastime, lifestyle or occupation involving the wearing, manufacture or promotion of organic and/or handmade food/objects of a pseudo ethnic or generally useless/tasteless nature. Possibly Steiner educated the Yoguartweaver is easilly recognisable by tie-died or uncomforatbale/unflattering clothing coupled with a fascination with candle carving, basket weaving and the recycling of bath water.
(thebenevolentbenali, Mon 2 Feb 2004, 14:34, Reply)

hmmm
I heard somebody call an all girls school a "virgin megastore". made me larff.
( MrGomez and David Bellamy's big pubey beard, Mon 2 Feb 2004, 14:33, Reply)

ohh it's pearl harbour out
means it's cold outside -

i.e. - 'there's a nip in the air'.
(dickybt, Mon 2 Feb 2004, 14:33, Reply)

Vaginal
Big = Like throwing a sausage up Union Street on a windy day. (Main street in Aberdeen - wide ;)

Tight = Fanny like a mousies lug (mouses ear)

Fanny pad = Mousie hammock

Lino or rug = shaven or hairy

Fud = fanny
(fudge the return of the man with the cat on his head, Mon 2 Feb 2004, 14:32, Reply)

one of my many
ex-girlfriends was lithuanian. her grasp of the english language was pretty poor. anyway, i told her that 'minger' was english slang for incredibly attractive. she understood this and took it onboard her ever-broadening vocabulary.

a few months later, coincidentally on my ex's birthday, a monkfuck of a friend nicked my phone and sent a text to EVERYONE in my phone book simply saying 'twat'. Needless to say, my ex received it and i got a txt back saying 'twat - is that english for happy birthday?' she hasn't spoken to me since.
(hnnrs, Mon 2 Feb 2004, 14:22, Reply)

My other mate is a teacher of children with behavioural problems
Like the ones that throw chairs and beat up headmasters when they can't take their flick knives and burberry hats to school.

He forever refers to them as either "fudges" or "bams".

A "Bam" would be the Aberdonian equivalent of Ned - a beKappa'd young chap sitting low in a white nova.

To be a bit "fudgey" means that you are an unintelligent young urchin or born a bit simple
(fudge the return of the man with the cat on his head, Mon 2 Feb 2004, 14:18, Reply)

Doris Stokes
Also. being a bit of a Colin Hunt, using my own personal slang that no-one else knows.....

"Ready to order, sir?"
"Yes I'll have steak"
"And how would you like that sir?"
"erm... I'll have it Doris Stokes"
"Sorry, sir?"
"I want to contact the dead with it"
"I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave, sir"
"Sorry, sorry. I forget... Medium please"
"....right....."
(odysseysounds.com, Mon 2 Feb 2004, 14:15, Reply)

Burberry Types
The ones dressed entirey in sports gear, hang around in groups of 5, reek of inbreeding and will "batter your mam, like!"...

I call them "Scunners". I think its a good discription, dont you?
(ClockworkDespot, Mon 2 Feb 2004, 14:14, Reply)