I think the second generation of interneters are doing it wrong. The problem with them is that they're all trying to be cool. And there is literally nothing worse than coolness. Say what you will about child molesters but at least when you get a group of them together on a forum they’re enthusiastic about their interest. It’s not all “well I only did it because I’m bored”, “yeah, sex with children is soooo over-rated”

Coolness has ruined proper internet spats. Now it’s just people trying to prove they care less about everything than everyone else. It’s little more than people slouched in a dimly lit room mumbling “whatever” at each other….or in our case “alright”. They dare not even use a capital letter in case they're accused of trying too hard.
(Brigadier an old boot sitting on a man's face - forever, Fri 21 Jun 2013, 9:04, 16 replies)

Bill Maher once said :
“Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?”
(Mackeson_drinker, Fri 21 Jun 2013, 6:07, 2 replies)

Tracy on Facebook
www.funpic.hu/en/categories/computer-internet/33832_picture?mode=search&search=tracy&type=picture&all=1&position=0
(Alligator, Fri 21 Jun 2013, 1:12, 2 replies)

Man.
Not even a page in and no-one has even mentioned me?

For shame you guys, for shame. Hang your heads like the amateurs that you are as you skulk back to the dugout.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 21 Jun 2013, 0:34, 18 replies)

People who have been absolute cunts on the internet in the last five years?
**looks around**

No. No. Can't think of any. Sorry.
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Thu 20 Jun 2013, 23:55, 3 replies)

Deffo not this
www.b3ta.com/questions/thingskidssay/post1974955
( hartley hare Just some prick who thinks it doesn't apply to him, Thu 20 Jun 2013, 22:45, 16 replies)

I think the odd facebook meltdown is perfectly healthy
I've done it, lots of my friends have done it.. it's no big deal, helps get things in perspective and/or gives people a nudge that someone needs a bit of help... Otherwise what? We all pretend we're shiny perfect people with no problems or something? bollocks to that!
Not so good when you realise you've accepted friend requests from work clients, but a quick footle with privacy settings can sort that one out!

Just my tuppence worth!
(teasus likes tea, Thu 20 Jun 2013, 21:06, 15 replies)

There's a bloke I went to high school with then didn't see again for 20 years. thanks to the magic of facebook. I'm now am well informed of the following:
His wife is back with the crystal-meth dealer. She's a horrible skank who doesn't care about their three lovely kids.
It's hard bringing up 3 kids alone, but at least he cares about them.
His wife is finally free of that bastard dealer. He thinks they can really make it work this time.
Everything is great. Family is important.
He can't believe that the druggie skank wife of his is back with the dealer. She is even more awful than he first thought.
It's hard bringing up 3 kids alone, but at least he cares about them.
His kid was sick but his druggie skank wife doesn't even care
He is going to court to get custody. Finally the kids can be free of their druggie skank mother who doesn't care about them.
He can't believe the fucking court system is making them share custody.
His kids are at his druggie skank wife and he fears for their safety.
His druggie skank wife doesn't contribute anything towards the kids upbringing.
It's hard bringing up 3 kids alone, but at least he cares about them.
and so on.
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 20 Jun 2013, 20:25, 25 replies)

Vegas News 2004
Not strictly on topic but the comments meltdown when an article about the rehabilitation of Roy Horn of tiger mauling fame featured on a certain UK mailout was briefly amusing. Tina Cockwash rules.

Now only available in archives.

bit.ly/147vg00

Link shortened so as not to break the board. No horses, just tigers, promise.
( custardthehedgehog, Thu 20 Jun 2013, 19:47, 3 replies)

Coming in early this week for boos and hisses..
My friend's wife is a medical research consultant in the field of genetic disorders. She has developed a laser treatment which can vapourise chromosomes one at a time to get rid of any extra ones.
My friend wondered if her new treatment would be successful and he asked me, "So shall m'dear melt downs?"

/coat.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Thu 20 Jun 2013, 19:36, Reply)

I wish Rob would take down my sickipedia stand up clip
I'm proud of it. But It doesn't help with getting a job. Should have used a stage name :)
(waxdart hello., Thu 20 Jun 2013, 19:30, 2 replies)

Caution: mentioning sheds online can cause upset.
Be careful.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 20 Jun 2013, 19:25, 2 replies)

I called this fat chick "she" on an internet messageboard once

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 20 Jun 2013, 18:01, 5 replies)

Firstly, this question isn't my favourite question. It's not even in my top ten.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 20 Jun 2013, 17:45, 6 replies)

pretend girlfriend exposed
Honestly, 6 years later I am still cringing about this.

Over several years I spent more and more time writing long self promotional instructional posts on all areas of self improvement.

For one of these posts I decided to model the mindset of a girl at work that I had a crush on. She had previously been a successful rower at a very high level. I wrote a great motivational piece based on the things she had told me that had driven her.

Only I made the mistake of pretending in the post that she was my girlfriend (she had previously turned my advances down cold). I wrote line after line about our relationship, physical and mental.

Anyway. When I discovered facebook I made the foolish decision to post some of my greatest articles as 'notes'

When I walked into the office the next day every single face was grinning at me, apart from this girl who was sitting looking mortified.

Yeah, everyone had read the 'note' and since olympic rowers aren't very common they rightly assumed I was talking about her. Only she of course strongly objected to the idea that we had ever been intimate and made it clear that the very thought made her sick.

It was the most humiliating thing I have ever experienced
(zaidin, Thu 20 Jun 2013, 17:38, 10 replies)

Isn't this like strolling in to a weight watchers meeting and asking if anybody likes cake?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 20 Jun 2013, 17:23, 7 replies)

east meets west


(CFB)
( Zuowan, Thu 20 Jun 2013, 17:21, 20 replies)

I once curated a compendium of stupid things people had said on the internet.

(McChinaman banned, Thu 20 Jun 2013, 17:19, 6 replies)

Facebook Riot
sacramento.cbslocal.com/2012/04/23/facebook-comments-reportedly-trigger-large-female-fight/

Last year, 30 women gathered at a street corner here in a tough neighborhood and pummeled each other with fists and baseball bats over some smack someone was saying about somebody on Facebook. Details about the group event were shared in advance, to maximize participation.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Thu 20 Jun 2013, 16:48, 2 replies)

The case of mistaken identity
Full story, with screenshots, in replies
( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Thu 20 Jun 2013, 16:46, 10 replies)

Only this.

( The Lone Groover has mal des nuts., Thu 20 Jun 2013, 16:38, Reply)

Misquote
My friend 'Rob' (which actually is his name, I'm going for the double bluff) suffered an unfortunate sequence of events that led him to hint in his Facebook update that he was going to kill himself. His girlfriend had left him, his Crohn's disease was flaring like the sun, and worst of all he was a Proper Ginga. Born that way.
The hints of suicide started about 2AM, grew steadily more blatant, and around 5AM he swallowed a mixture of massive and legal drugs, and signed off with a quote. "Goodbye, and thanks for all the fish!"
Amidst the worried messages was this priceless gem:
"It's 'So long, and thanks for all the fish.' Get it right."
(searlichek, Thu 20 Jun 2013, 16:28, 6 replies)

Not me... one I've just read
I have a friend Christian who very sadly has cancer. It seems that it has accelerated it's growth and it's a matter of weeks until his death. It's his and his wife's wish that family and friends all get together for a great big party to see our mate off in style.

Obviously the way to organise a load of people who have all moved apart over the years is Facebook so a group was set up. People started posting up suggestions of food that they could bring.

one guy just posted the following

"Julie does a mean cheesecake and my Anzac biscuits are to die for"

I'm sure he feels like a very large hole could open up and swallow him up. Mind you I'm sure that Christian can see the funny side
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 20 Jun 2013, 16:22, 7 replies)

I don't care that I missed the cut off, your having it.
In my school we would occasionally be asked to put on little presentation based on something we were learning at the time.

In History we’d reached world war two and decided to go with the whole Nazi / Jew kerfuffle.

It was very tastefully done. We got the skinny kid with a big nose to dress in his pyjamas and hired an SS costume for the handsome athletic kid. I supplied the blank firing Luger, a must have possession for all school children...The whole thing was just a convoluted excuse to play with a replica gun at school. I don’t really remember the details of the one act production, but it ended with the ‘Nazi’ repeatedly screaming “Juden” whilst manically firing blanks at the kid in pyjamas.

We managed to put just enough effort into it for it to be possible to be judged as an ill-conceived, terribly executed, attempt at drama ( which it wasn’t) rather than a piss take (which it was).
(Brigadier an old boot sitting on a man's face - forever, Thu 20 Jun 2013, 16:05, 85 replies)

I insulted someone over the internet once

(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 20 Jun 2013, 16:01, 3 replies)

Ever said something you've regretted on the internet?
Me? Nope, never.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 20 Jun 2013, 15:24, 2 replies)

Some tales of the many idiots I am friends with on Facebook
I posted that I was organising an office sweepstake on the appointment of the new Pope. Guy I went to university with posted 'bad taste' as a comment. I asked 'Why?'. Got a PM from him and separately from his wife telling me I was being a hostile atheist and taking the piss out of a very important issue to the world's Catholics, which was news to me...

Also, I defriended someone I went to school with because she was racist and couldn't spell (She'd been very active on a page called something like 'Say NO too Mosqs in Great British Citys!!'. She tried to friend me back and I ignored it. I then got a private message calling me a snob who was quite probably 'a bumlord'.

Finally, I had someone ask me to remove a picture I'd posted from a party once because you could see their kid in the background. I thought it was a bit weird but I obeyed. She then asked me if I could make sure the photo had been destroyed. I replied that they were being a bit OTT and it was a digital photo anyway. She replied and said 'well send me the original digital photo!'. So I emailed it to her. Presumably she deleted it...
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 20 Jun 2013, 15:18, 6 replies)

3rd rate anonymous coward here

So why would you wanna tell anyone?

Twitter is for kids and mouth-breathers
In my day we didn't have Facebook we had CB radio. No-one used real names on CB so why anyone would wanna use there real name on here is beyond me. It's just asking for trouble.

What happens at Pontins should stay at Pontins
.
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Thu 20 Jun 2013, 15:17, 1 reply)

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS
Generally, a bike ride through the countryside puts me in a good, peaceable mood, able to shrug off all kinds of wuffkittery and keep smiling.

Which is clearly not true of this guy. (Originally posted on the Lonely Planet forums, but since taken down... fortunately someone took a PDF dump. Um, I could rephrase that.) It starts with "I'm looking for a cycling partner" and sort of descends into 9-11 conspiracy theories. "Cyclists did WTC", obviously.

(waiting for this week's QOTW to turn into the b3ta equivalent of Encyclopaedia Dramatica. Except more self-referential...)
(ChaRleyTroniC is invincible with his chips and cheese, Thu 20 Jun 2013, 15:05, 11 replies)