At the end of The Men Who Stare At Goats it turns out that Bruce Willis is a goat.

(Thor McLegend FUCK SHITPANTS PAC MAN, Sat 8 Jun 2013, 13:52, Reply)

At the end of Inception it turns out that Bruce Willis is a ghost.

(Thor McLegend FUCK SHITPANTS PAC MAN, Sat 8 Jun 2013, 13:48, Reply)

Joffre dies in next episode

( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Sat 8 Jun 2013, 13:28, 1 reply)

While FHM journalists present themsleves as being jack-the-lad extreme-sports-doing glamour-model-boffing sharply dressed semi-professional footballer types
who drive a classic sports car and have a gold-plated secret prototype iPhone 7 chock full of numbers of the rich and famous, they're actually regular spotty nerdy joes who rewrite their interviews with Jenna Jameson to make them sound all cooland witty and casual and 'yeah, I could have had her if I wanted' and not at all nervous and dumbstruck and awkward and pathetic.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Sat 8 Jun 2013, 11:45, 5 replies)

It's Penry, the mild-mannered janitor.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 8 Jun 2013, 11:34, 4 replies)

The butler did it.
(EffinNitWit asks his tobacco where his whisky is, Sat 8 Jun 2013, 10:45, 1 reply)

Red sky in the morning, shepherds warning.
Not unless it's an Amber Alert in Spain & Portugal.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sat 8 Jun 2013, 7:00, Reply)

I have a very big cock
Hickory Dickory Dock

I have a very big cock

Now that'll spoil 'er
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Sat 8 Jun 2013, 4:25, Reply)

As some of you may know from some of my other long, rambling posts
I am a father to an amazingly smart & beautiful 9 yo. daughter.

My wife and I occasionally disagree on our parenting methods.
Her mum tends to bring her something home every time she goes out. And if the pair of them go shopping?
Well, woe-betide our household budget!

Me? I tend more to the conservative - my daughter does chores (taking out the recycling etc.) for which she earns a modest amount of pocket money. I encourage her to save this money in a piggy bank (and a bank account for larger sums such as birthdays etc.).
Every now and then her and I go shopping and she has the opportunity to spend her pocket money on something that she wants - I don't limit what she spends her money on but I do try to encourage her to spend it on something she can keep rather than say treats from the school canteen for example.

From this she gets a sense of worth and the idea that nice things are a goal to be earnt and then enjoyed rather than just having a blind expectation of "getting something" every time we step out the front door.

My wife and I have argued about it in the past but she just can't seem to help herself - all she wants to do for my daughter is spoil 'er.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sat 8 Jun 2013, 3:47, 1 reply)

(Eukanuba, Sat 8 Jun 2013, 2:21, 4 replies)

Terminator anti spoiler
I am 14 years old.....terminator is on the TV, back in the day of VHS tapes.

I beg and plead to my mother to let me stay up and watch Arnie go sick on Sarah Connors ass (would deffo pay to actually see that) alas she says no and sends me to bed but promises she will tape it.

I wake up the next day the anticipation of watching the end of terminator is killing me.

I put the tape in I watch it. It's epic. Eyeball removed using a scalpel, bombs made using what looks like plasticine, the works I am fucking loving it.

I turn 18 many years later, I get around to watching terminator 2 judgement day (probably the best sequel ever made apart from aliens) I am struggling with the film cos I don't know who this long haired squeaky voiced cunt called John Connor is supposed to be. I realise eventually he's the dykes son, Kyles son.....,

I decide many years later I want to watch terminator and it gets to the scene in the motel......the scene my mum used THE FUCKING VHS TO PAUSE IT THROUGH THE SEX SCENE I thought that John Connor was like the messiah (a very naughty boy) a virgin conception. Argued for fucking years that that's what the whole film is about only to ring out later that Sarah Connor fucked a tramp that got sent back in time with no fucking weapons cos apparently you can't send metal back.......but you can send a whole fucking metal machine back.

My mum is a spaz.

You are a spaz.

Tl:dr - I thought John Connor was Jesus.
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Fri 7 Jun 2013, 23:53, 9 replies)

Eleven and three-quarter inches...
And now you all know how long a piece of string is.

(This is, of course, the old B.S.I. standard for 'string length' - I don't know what the Metric equivalent is).
(minimalist ..., Fri 7 Jun 2013, 23:49, 4 replies)

THIS IS YOUR WIFE IN TEN YEARS' TIME LOLOLOL
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 7 Jun 2013, 23:42, 5 replies)

John doesn't die at the end

(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 7 Jun 2013, 23:11, 5 replies)

I turn out to be a pathetic old lush with no friends and no life.

(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Fri 7 Jun 2013, 23:07, 5 replies)

I was really let down before I saw "The crying game" when a friend let slip that the woman in it turns out to be black

( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 7 Jun 2013, 22:36, 2 replies)

My wife can be really annoying
Apart from having a ridiculous 80's hairstyle, she also has the exasperating habit of smiling inanely and saying "spoilers!" in a camp voice every time I ask her something important.

I know we all have secrets but I get the feeling she's holding something REALLY important back from me, something that will change the entire course of my life.

Oh well, at least she's dead now - but that didn't stop her popping up the other week etc etc.

[Name withheld because it's a big, big secret]
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Fri 7 Jun 2013, 22:00, 2 replies)

Scooby Doo
It was the janitor or the bloke who ran the waterslide.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Fri 7 Jun 2013, 20:11, Reply)

Mr Kurtz dies.
Travis saves Iris.

Dick Laurent is dead.

He spunks on her face.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 7 Jun 2013, 19:42, 3 replies)

For the last 5 years I've had to tax and MOT my car on my birthday
I know I'm in my 30's and I should be mature about it but the DVLA can go fuck themselves.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 7 Jun 2013, 19:39, 8 replies)

Victor escapes the onion-skin layers of fictionality.
Sean remains a prick.

The Terby is alive.

Julian is doomed.

There is no exit.

Clay's a sadistic narcissist.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 7 Jun 2013, 19:38, 1 reply)

Marriage
Pre teen hormones.

Shaggy shaggy etc.

Married (optional)

Children.

Divorce.

Women choose their mates who will produce strong offspring (they can't help it) its inbreed like being an Ausie barman.

Dump him and then find someone they can actually live with for the rest of their years.

NB they eat their mates from the insides out for decades. That's why 90% of old peoples homes are women, the other 10% didn't marry.

True - my son told me.
(Suck it and Sea, Fri 7 Jun 2013, 19:05, 2 replies)

1982, queueing for Empire Strikes Back
and some Annoying Acquaintance appears out of the previous showing, thusly -

AA: "Awesome! It was ace! there was -"
Us: "Shut up, don't tell us!"
AA: "No, no, let me tell you just one thing - "
Us: "Shut up! Don't spoil it!"
AA: "Just one thing, I won't spoil it -"
Us: "Shut it, and fuck off!" (He was not a well-liked Annoying Acquaintance.)

AA: *adopts Darth Vader voice* "Luke, I am you father!"
( Invisible Wizard - 10th Level Nerf-herder, Fri 7 Jun 2013, 18:24, 5 replies)

The isle of Mann TT is televised each evening at 9 after the days racing .
Twitter,Facebook,& various bike forums are full of half wits pissing their pants to tell the world the result of the days races.

Cunts the lot of em.
( bane, Fri 7 Jun 2013, 18:02, Reply)

I went for a job interview
I was sitting with all the other blokes waiting outside the office and I can just make out the interviewer talking to the first candidate, 'So, you think you would fit in with our organization?.. Is the salary inline with your expectations?.. Can you start next Monday?.. Welcome aboard.'

We all knew there was only one position.

I went in next and made up a bunch of really relevant experience, just to ruin this prick's day.

'Why didn't you put these on the application?' he asked, with a note of regret.

'I thought it would better to discuss it in person,' said I.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Fri 7 Jun 2013, 18:01, Reply)

The Tooth Fairy takes your teeth and sticks them
crookedly in ugly kid's' mouths when they are asleep just to piss them off
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Fri 7 Jun 2013, 16:13, Reply)

Red Robin's secret identity is............

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 7 Jun 2013, 15:27, 2 replies)

Wedding lists.
Not only do I know exactly what presents we're getting but I also get to see what cheap bastards my friends and family are.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Fri 7 Jun 2013, 14:34, 6 replies)

Santa Claus.
Not real. It was your Mum and dad.
(username failed moderation, Fri 7 Jun 2013, 14:03, 11 replies)

I once saw...
...an anniversary DVD box set of the original Planet of the Apes, which had the semi-submerged ruins of the Statue of Liberty ON THE FUCKING COVER.

I have no idea whether or not their entire marketing department were persuaded to commit ritual suicide, but I can only hope.
(Joy Division Oven Gloves Death to false metal, Fri 7 Jun 2013, 14:03, 2 replies)