Famous person off the telly
A female friend of mine who strikes me, these days, as being quite, quite normal, confessed to going through a most excellent secret stalking phase.

She was a student, in north London. Being a student, she had time on her hands. One day she spotted a certain stand-up comedian pass her in the street, which was close to where she lived. These days you'd know him off a certain comedy panel quiz show.

As it happened, she fancied him. So she followed him and worked out which was his house.

Then she began her project. She printed up a note offering her services as a cleaner, and at a competitive (but plausible) price at that. Every few days she popped one through his front door, hopefully giving the impression that it was going through every door in the street.

It worked, he rang her, and hired her. So she was in his life; free to roam his home, peek at his diary (actually I'm theorising that bit - she didn't mention it), and generally see inside the glamorous world of an up-and-coming celebrity.

And guess what? It turned out that he was an arrogant, coke-addled twat. He was rude, self-obsessed and generally obnoxious.

She decided she didn't like him after all, and jacked in the job, forever cured of her stalking inclinations.

He never even knew he had a stalker.
(Bowens, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 10:52, 15 replies)

Damnit!
Dude - I have to know! Who is it? hehe!
(Reptilianoid, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 10:59, closed)

Was it
Jonathan 'Tramp Biter' Creek?
( scoshi pretending to diet since, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 11:04, closed)

@scoshi
that was my first guess too
( lo, the Greebo Warrior - Est. 2002, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 11:05, closed)

Hmm....
Lee Mack?
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 1 Feb 2008, 11:19, closed)

First one that popped into my mind
was Jimmy Carr, he seems like he could be arrogant but I'm not so sure about the coke stuff.
(Belgaer is, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 11:20, closed)

I thought it may have been one of the HIGNFY guys...

( jim_bob can herd cats., Fri 1 Feb 2008, 11:50, closed)

russell brand
god i fancy him! and i never normally fancy men with long hair or piercings.

of course, personality disorders are fine...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 12:06, closed)

Stephen Fry!
He may be gay, but I don't care - I'd love to trail around after him and listen to his wisdom.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 12:18, closed)

Damn who is it???
My candidates are: Sean Locke, Jimmy Carr, Phil Jupitus, Bill Bailey, Dave Spikey, Alan Davies, Paul Merton....is it one of these?
(Celtican is 10! Old school or what?, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 12:54, closed)

Oh dear.
I'm hoping it's not Bill Bailey. That would ruin my mental image of him living in a derelict tube station.
(Big D, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 13:18, closed)

wouldn't be bill bailey
you can tell by his face that coke isn't his drug of choice

and if someone were arrogant they would most likely take more care of their appearance than he
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 13:32, closed)

Is it
one of the blokes from Mock the Week?
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Fri 1 Feb 2008, 14:03, closed)

Alan "who 12-year-old-Maladicta-fancied-and-now-is-hanging-her-head-in-shame-and-thinks-he's-a-twat" Davies?
I like the idea of him being an arrogant coke-addled twat. It gives me a reason to hate him other than simply wanting to die of shame that I ever fancied the bloke.

And yes, Russell Brand. Mm. In a shameful way.

(Bill Bailey I see more as living in a tree in Hyde Park).
( Maladicta, Sat 2 Feb 2008, 12:27, closed)

Mr.
Simon Amstell?

Hope not.
(Tendency, Mon 4 Feb 2008, 0:40, closed)

I am truly horrified that even two people in the world consider Russell Brand human enough to fuck.
Seriously - he has the hair of a shit Hallowe'en costume, the face of a New Deal starter, and the dress sense of a blind gay idiot. And, over the course of his career, he has come about as close to being funny as most anteaters have to Alpha Centauri B.

I mean, if you're going to make an exception for one guy with long hair and piercings, at least make it somebody clever, witty and handsome. *cough*

Hmmm. Alan Davies seems like a reasonable guess, as he's clearly a twat. Can't believe it's Bill Bailey. Jimmy Carr seems like the coke type, but I get the feeling he's actually quite nice. Phil Jupitus is an egocentric twat (I served him ice cream once), but if he was on coke he'd be thinner. Besides, he still lived in Essex last time I looked. Stephen Fry is lovely, and not a stand-up. Noel Fielding is a candidate - I can believe he's on coke, but I don't think he's a twat. I could still be wrong.

I reckon it's the guy who presents Buzzcocks.
(The Ghost of Stephen Foster, Mon 4 Feb 2008, 3:31, closed)