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Godwin's Lawyer tells us: "I once worked with a lad who believed 'Frankenstein' was based on a true story, and that the book was written by Shirley Bassey." Tell us about your workplace dopes.

(, Thu 3 Mar 2011, 15:34)
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Working For A Canadian Telecoms Company

We had a global video-conference call with the Asia/Pacific team (all Ozzies), the Europeans (my team) and the Americas (all Yanks). We were doing the introductions when the boss introduced me.

"And this is Legless. He's from the North-East, near the Scottish border"

One of the Yanks chimed in:

"Scotland? I love Scotch whiskey! Could you bring me a couple of bottles over when you're next over here?"

"No problem" I said "But is it OK if I filter it through my kidneys first?"

Europeans and Ozzies cracked up. Americans look confused.

"Yeah - that would be fine. Just as long as it gets here."

(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 11:09, closed)
Hello Legless...
I speak to people all over the world and the US are the easiest to tease - they fall for most linguistic jokes. Closely followed by people in Zimbabwe. Zimbabweans are such nice people; I love dealing with them, but they do fall for all the old ones.


(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 11:17, closed)

I actually like people using my tagline. Yes, the trolls do it because they think it winds me up, but I just look at imitation being the most sincere for of flattery. It's /talks own little meme.

When I first started posting on b3ta, I ended every post on a variation of

"but of course I was...


But that was just too pretentious. Funny the first couple of times but just fucking tedious after that. SO it's been "cheers" ever since and always will be. The silly bastards who don't get the subtle-as-brick connection between my username and the traditional British salutation before taking a drink, deserve the life they have...

(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 11:51, closed)
oh, you misunderstand.
we totally get the connection, it's just that it strikes the perfect balance of pretentious and tedious.

(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 11:54, closed)
Ooh look
a troll
(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 11:58, closed)
She's a female on /talk so thinks the attention she gets there means that we'll all bow down and pant over a Woman On The Internet!!!

She's from /talk. No tales to tell, no talent to actually write a decent post, she's from /talk. 'Nuff said.

(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 12:05, closed)
Shouldn't she
Be back under her bridge or for preference in one of the supports?
(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 12:06, closed)
oh dear.
i don't know if i can ever get over this terrible internet bullying.
(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 12:17, closed)
Here's A Tip.
Try using your own words. Not cut'n'paste stock responses from you betters on /talk (which is pretty much everyone).

You'll get far more respect if you can actually come up with you own insults rather than just parroting what you see other people write.

Hope this helps. I live to please.

(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 12:22, closed)
i have no idea what is informing your generalisations.
but thank you for The Tip. it will be helpful to me in my lifelong ambition to ensure that a bunch of faceless strangers on the internet respect me.

(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 12:24, closed)

(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 12:27, closed)
good luck with that
have you considered installing a respect/don't respect vote-chart on your profile, so you know whether or not you're succeeding?
(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 12:34, closed)
oh man, i hadn't even THOUGHT of that.
i'll get on that right away.

(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 12:35, closed)
see, us QOTWers are full of good ideas...
we're not all sweaty fantasists
(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 12:36, closed)
yes you are. of course you are. all of you.
just like everyone on /talk is a gurning simpleton who throws words at the internet like chimps fling poo. these are the facts and they Must Not Be Disputed.
(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 12:41, closed)

Not true. I've seen chimps fling poo with style and panache.
(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 12:44, closed)
oh, don't YOU start.
i've got enough to worry about, what with people not respecting me on the internet, and that.
(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 12:49, closed)

Did Destiny's Child's 'Independent Women' teach us nothing? Shame. Shame on us all.
(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 12:55, closed)
It taught us that Beyonce depends on meat
"I de-pend on meat"
(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 12:57, closed)
This is true
now send me an ASCII picture of your tits so I can wank myself frigid.
(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 12:44, closed)
check your gaz, faceless internet person who i require validation from because i am a girl on the internet.

(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 12:48, closed)

my work here is done.....
(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 12:55, closed)
oh dear.

(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 12:57, closed)
oh yeah baby, digging the validation action
lovely job.

I liked it enormously... more, please
(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 12:58, closed)
can you give me five minutes?
only i'm working on my Validationometer and i'm having trouble working out where pandering sits in the matrix. i don't want to skew the results.
(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 13:06, closed)
well, first you'll have to find someone to get the pandatron out, and go from there.

(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 13:10, closed)
There are no women on the internet.
(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 12:18, closed)
We disproved this earlier...

(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 12:22, closed)

(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 12:24, closed)

(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 12:29, closed)
This statement
by Legless should win QOTW
(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 13:06, closed)
oh man, wouldn't that be AMAZING?
you could totally follow him around and congratulate him ALL THE TIME, and everything. gets my vote.
(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 13:11, closed)
I remember it well...
but I remember people using My! Subject! Heading! used to get right on my tits...

(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 12:22, closed)
I've now got to the stage that I sign off work emails with "Cheers"

(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 17:44, closed)
I prefer the one where you got sacked for slagging work colleagues on an internet website that they knew you were a contributor to.
Then you went whinging to that very website about the injustice of it all. I guess that makes you the 'stupid colleague' lollers.

(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 11:19, closed)
Hi Rory!
I think this must be your first ever post to me where you haven't referred to a penis. Have you discovered girls?

And the website where I was a "contributor" was my blog. Apart from teh people who commented on it, I was pretty much the only contributor.

But the gist is true. I did get the bullet for writing on my blog that some silly twat had wiped the mail queues - again. Didn't name any company or names but laddo who I whined about was one of these sly bastards who used his admin rights to to check the firewall logs and see what people were up to. He found my blog, started to follow my ramblings ( he liked what I talked about ) for a few months and then got upset when I called him a simpleton. For it was he who deleted the fucking mail queues.

The actual reason I was fired, if your interested, is that I said on my blog that I'd like to give him a slap.

Still - got anew contract a couple of weeks later at 4 times the money (it had to be - it involved working in London) where I saw out my time before moving here to Oz. And here, I run my own company writing software for hospitals and couldn't be happier. So it all worked out in the end.

Hope that makes you happy.

(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 11:23, closed)

(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 11:25, closed)
You sound like a rigth smug cunt
Its nice when it works out - well done mate :)
(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 11:50, closed)
I suppose I am at the minute. Makes a change.

But you do what I'd love to do just don't have the bottle. Stand-up. I have a pathological fear of public speaking. Even now, when I have to do it at least once a month, I shit myself. No matter how well prepared I am, once I actually have to stand up to speak, my brain goes into overdrive and the only things going through my mind is SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!!! Once I start I'm OK, but it's that horrible moment between standing up and starting to talk that I think I'm going to die.

I sweat like Peter Andre on Mastermind.....

Stand-up comedians? Balls or breasts of steel.....


I've done it once
(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 12:01, closed)
You being allowed off your lead to bore on your own now?
(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 11:29, closed)
Are there
no fresh windows to lick?
(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 11:29, closed)

(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 11:30, closed)
And the inbreds
(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 11:31, closed)
Get yer
Banjo shambo and get the piggies squealing.
(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 11:33, closed)

Isn't Scotch whiskey actually whisky?
(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 11:34, closed)
Fuck Me
I never actually realised that there are two spellings of Whiskey. But there are.

There are varieties of whiskeys. But you're basically right. Scotch whiskey is the only true whiskey as far as I'm concerned. But am partial to a spot of Irish whiskey on occasion.

But, take it from me, avoid Japanese whiskey like the plague. Yes, they make it, and yes, it's fucking horrible.....

(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 11:40, closed)
Japanese Whiskey
Makes me Vom.
(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 11:42, closed)
they sell it in 3lt and 5lt bottles which always amazed me to look at in the shops when I live there.

(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 11:55, closed)

I'm of the rather uncultured opinion that it all tastes like turps, so I shall happily avoid the Japanese knockoff version. I've never quite understood how describing something as 'peaty' - ie, like rotten plant matter - would be considered a valid selling point...
(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 12:01, closed)
the smell/taste of the turf/peat fire they're referring to. Some of the peaty whiskeys are rather excellent. Some are overpowering and taste like tar.

A good whiskey is like good wine. The best ones cost a fortune but are worth it. The main difference between good wine and good whiskey is that you can, occasionally, find a great wine that costs buttons. That's never the case for whiskey.

(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 12:10, closed)

Hrm... I would have said, if asked, that I'd tried 'expensive' (or at least, not ultra-budget blended rubbish) whisky, on the grounds that 40 quid seems quite a lot for a single bottle of decently aged, single malt Oban, Speyside, Glenmorangie/fiddich, etc. However, given that a quick google suggests you can pay upwards of 20k for a dram, it seems I've been drinking the crap stuff.

But I'm not spending 20k on a dram. That's croissant territory.
(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 12:26, closed)
typically US bourbon & Irish are spelt with an e

(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 12:28, closed)
Avoid *cheap* Japanese whisky
I've had some Japanese paint-stripper, and I've had some Jap stuff which could teach the Scots a thing or two. Sadly, the latter was around two hundred nicker a bottle.
(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 12:41, closed)
No no no Jap whisky can be superb.
Try some Hakushu 15 year or 18 year old.
(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 20:30, closed)
I think the point being made was simply
that the stuff that comes from Scotland is "whisky", not "whiskey".
(, Sun 6 Mar 2011, 12:43, closed)

(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 12:14, closed)
If it helps
If it helps
I think you're OK Legless!

Consistently decent stories, and anybody from the NE will get my Vote

All this Troll and /talk brinksmanship is getting tedious

Good luck with the hospital s/w. Have worked with plenty of PCTs (I work in s/w Sales for my sins)

(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 12:33, closed)
btw I'm a long-time qotw-er; please don't mistake me as a /talk troll.

(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 12:34, closed)

(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 12:35, closed)
*raves a bit*
(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 12:37, closed)
I am with you El Gordo, I like QOTW and the trolling is boring.
(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 12:39, closed)
I think
I like the trolling, particularly when people get angry.
(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 13:33, closed)
Nice one
*puts up brolly to shelter from cuntshower*
(, Fri 4 Mar 2011, 17:47, closed)

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