Yanks in lee-sure suits.....
There I was, 2001, in a lovely wee bar in Belfast (apparently one of the 1400 'oldest bars in Ireland') when I was waylaid by an entire busload of overweight yanks, all in matching his'n'hers lee-sure suits. It was group photo time, and I was physically dragged in to the group to satisfy their urge to have a picture taken with 'The Irish Guy! Marvin, take a picture of us with the Irish Guy'.
I obliged, and smiled away like a loon for a good five minutes.

Problem being, I'm actually a New Zealander, and was only in Belfast for two weeks. I attempted to explain this, to no avail. Still makes me smile when I think of said Yanks showing off their holiday snaps....'and here we are with the Irish Guy!'

The only problem with length is when it dangles out the bottom of your shorts.
(charles mingus, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 23:04, Reply)

racetraitor
The French invaded in 1066, that's when we started spelling it 'colour'.
( Lightguy hail satan, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 22:33, Reply)

Not quite stupid tourists
But it almost fits, and I like it.

"Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams."
~Mary Ellen Kelly
(Pan Dimensional Mouse Currently existing in 13 dimensions as of, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 22:19, Reply)

A reverse of what you asked for, but...
Whilst away in one of the states of America I was happily being introduced to a good many new and interesting people. This was all fine and good, until I met one fine lass:

"Meet Bob - he's from England!"
"Oh wow - so like, do you speak English there?"
To which I carefully replied:
"Yes... we speak Eng-lish... in Eng-land."
( Red wine and cheese., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 22:19, Reply)

pre what?
An American couple arrived in Kings coll. here in Cambridge (UK) and the lady asked one of the porters if the chapel was pre war. His reply was "Madam, it's pre-America."
(AvidaDollars, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 22:18, Reply)

In Defense of America
I work/live in the Florida Keys (Hurricanes, yay!) and so have to deal with all sorts of fun touristy bullshit, particularly during the winter, when the entire combined populations of Europe and Minnesota visit. Here's a collection of questions and things said to me by English tourists...

Where is the ocean? (Note: we're on an island)
Are those chickens real?
Where do you keep the hurricanes?
Are those coconuts real?
Can you turn up the air? (Note: outdoor cafe)
Oh, that's an English Bulldog? Where in England is he from?
Where's the beach? (asked one block over from the beach)
Is that ship real?
Can you turn off the rain?
Where are the onions? (said with back to them)

And one from a pretty funny New Zealander, who walked into our shope with a bleeding arm.
"That's awfully bloody."
"No, it's bloody awful."
(FleetlordVT, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 22:14, Reply)

Are there many kangaroos in Austria?
I used to work in an Australian cafe in an American tourist town. Big wall painting of a map of Australia,pictures of kangaroos and koalas,gigantic Australian flag,Pavlovas and meat pies in the display cases...you get the idea.

One afternoon,a tourist couple came in,wandered up to the pastry case and surveyed it with scorn.
'These don't look *anything* like those nice pastries we had in Vienna!',announced the woman. 'And they call this an Austrian bakery!'

My co-worker and I explained,but only after we'd finished laughing.
(louveciennes , Volvospotter, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 21:58, Reply)

Americans
I'm a Canadian expat in Korea, and I have to admit that usually I prefer the company of Americans to my own countrymen. Too many Canadians I've seen are the sort that drop the "eh"-bomb, where they say "eh" a lot and other lameass Canadianisms that we never use at home to let people know they're not American.

Americans do make awful tourists, yes, but they make great expats. They get something that we don't have the benefit of experiencing: a huge figurative kick in the pants when they see how people react to them outside their country. Takes a few months to kick in. Canadians' heads swell after being told every 15 minutes--"Oh, you're from Canada? Canada good! America bad."

That said, two of the most successful American expats will not forgive you guys for cocking up the English language. They both told me that we all used to spell "colour" without the u, but sometime after they moved away, you Brits started copying the French and added the u.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 21:53, Reply)

Whilst on the Cornish Coast last year
we were on a beach looking at the cliffs which have beautiful striated rock formations that are all deformed from geological action. Over my shoulder I heard an american voice say:
'Oh Wow, look at those amazing rocks, they must be like, a thousand years old!'
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 21:36, Reply)

Mike, a Canadian friend
was staying at his parents' place in Florida. A Merican clocks his strange accent, says, "Where are you from?"
Mike says: "Canada."
Merican: "Really? Where's that?"

The fella wasn't even a Floridan--he came from Minnesota (on the US-Canada border).
(nugchuts, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 21:35, Reply)

In a football tournament
Lots of Americans come over and play, quite funny watching them try and say some of the Welsh names, and literally describing one of their goals as -

"An upshot into the upper right 90"

Translated -

"A shot which was rising into the top right corner.."
(David Fishwick Minibus Sales - notmad.co.uk, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 21:23, Reply)

Overheard conversation between two chav girls in Whipsnade Zoo:
Girl #1: *pointing at a mara* Wossat? Is tha' a penguin?
Girl #2: Nahh, issa worraby!

What the hell?
( Bob Todd whee, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 21:23, Reply)

Tourists messing with natives
I'm the tourist in the States at the moment, but I love the look on people's faces when I say "Can I bum a fag please?".
( jim_bob can herd cats., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 20:33, Reply)

I'm sorry to say it was me (both times)
in London I spent about twenty minutes in a department store explaining to this clerk that I had these great pants and that they were black so you couldn't see the dirt and I had gotten drunk and fallen asleep in them and worn them to an interview the next day and they were still alright, even had that natty little "fresh-pressed" looking crease down the middle. Really, I exclaimed, I could wear these pants for a week withotu washing them!
Realized after that pants and trousers are not the same in England. Still burning with shame.
Also (and probably the worst):

To a clerk ringing through my purchase in Sterling: "I only have British pounds, is that OK?"

Sigh.


Aside (and hope this is OK here): hope all B3tards in London are OK. I only hope Canada behaves as well as the British have if/when we get bombed.
(nabi, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 20:22, Reply)

The tough coughs as he ploughs the slough.
(Title of a Dr. Seuss book).

There have been a few tourists get off the plane in Sydney, Nova Scotia (home of the post-industrial wasteland known as the Sydney Tar Ponds, winner of the Sierra Club's "Most toxic place in Canada" award ten years running) wondering where the lovely opera house is.

That's only a stupid tourist thing if they booked the tickets online.
(cox2inhibitor, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 20:20, Reply)

I think Brits this time...
I haven't seen this one posted, so I'll put it on here, even though it didn't happen to me.

Two lovely tourists in Toronto. At the restaurant for lunch, asked the waitress how to get to Victoria for tea. Waitress thought this meant the Victoria Tearoom. "Just down the street there, about four blocks and turn left."

No, they wanted the Empress Hotel in Victoria, because they have good teas there, they had heard.

"Oh, yes. Well, then, after you turn left, just go straight on for another two thousand miles."
(chazz, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 20:20, Reply)

Heard outside the National Gallery:
"London really smells like New Orleans, doesn't it?"

I have yet to decipher that one.
( Sydney Bintstow, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 20:09, Reply)

Crossing the road for the Disabled
The scene is an open-top bus doing a tour of Edinburgh. It stops, as it must, to let people cross the road. An American (sorry) voice pipes up: "What's that beeping noise for?" It's for blind people to let them know they're at a crossing, I reply.
"You let blind people drive here?" she said incredulously.
(Headbeeguy, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 20:07, Reply)

"Do you have any more Henges in England?"
Yep, American.
(minky_monkey, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 19:51, Reply)

Merkins aint so bad really
Years ago ... so many years ago it makes me feel REALY old

Mid 80's, I worked behind the bar in a central Cardiff pub, where, as Cardiffians know, a pint of good old Brains bitter was refered to as a "pint 'o light"

I used to take huge pleasure, when the merkins arrived in our establishment, and ordered "2 small light beer's" (i.e 2 halves of some "merkin bud lite stuff") with serving them up with 2 big foamy pints of Welsh bitter.

And then while they were politely sat at their table obviously not getting on at all well with the beers, I would pass by and ask "is everything ok, how is the beer", to which, to their credit they always looked embarresed and mumbled "geee .. just fine thanks"

Not one of em ever drank more than a 1/4 of a pint.

but they were always polite ... if a little shell shocked, so merkins ain't so bad really
( RadG Drinking Mojitos in the sun, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 19:28, Reply)

on the train
"so what station are we getting off at?"
"err i dunno, london st pancreas or somethin'"
(cap'nj, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 19:20, Reply)

Washington AC
Yeah yeah so what ye gonna do? At least we don't have a spakka for a president. No, we've got his bastard puppet!
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 19:17, Reply)

Strewth
Who says the Germans have no sense of humour? I was out in Frankfurt at a giant music trade fair where I met a lovely girl called Hilda. She was so kind and sweet, butter wouldn't melt in her gob. I was staying in a motel just outside and had trouble getting through to the receptionist. She could speaka da no inglish and what I could say in German you could have written on a fly's foreskin. Hilda taught me how to ask for my bill, where to get the bus to the railway station, and to thank her for her kindness during my stay. I learned this during the following day and managed to get it right. I bid farewell to Hilda that night and on checking out the following morning I apparantly said to the receptionist, "Could I pull down your dunghampers and stick matchsticks up your tradesman's entrance?" Cow!
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 19:13, Reply)

Washington, DC
You know, given the amount of abuse you are hurling at us (Merkins) I think I shall start to take the piss out of every Brit I bump into in DC. I mean, what the hell right? Your idiots travel just like ours do, so the next time I bump into a Hyacinth, I will make it a point to head them in the wrong direction and laugh.

But the reality is that despite what you guys think, we are not all stupid, inbred and ignorant of other cultures. So I will continue to be nice to tourons I meet in DC and Annapolis...despite some of the comments on this list.

Though, for the record, many of you are a narcissistic bunch of twats.

Sic Semper Tyrannis.
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 19:10, Reply)

"We'd like to change US dollars into French dollars, please"

( MartinH, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 19:10, Reply)

My brother used to work in the carribean
(Grand Cayman) as a diving instructor. Lots of american tourists come out on the boat just for the ride.

On being told that the coral which makes up the reef is actually an animal and not a plant: "So how do you know where it is each time?".
My brother answers that they found an old one which was a bit slow and managed to chain it to the sea bed. This was accepted as fact.

Also, the depth goes from being very shallow, then suddenly drops to about 30 feet, then drops off again to about 20,000 feet or somesuch about half a mile out. This results in sharp contrasts in the water colour from pale blue, to medium, to very dark. Several times my brother has been asked if they sell bottles of the different colours of the water in the gift shop.
(Daveybaby, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 18:54, Reply)

In Canada
A friend and me were in a car driving back from a bar with two of our Canadian friends (one of them being the driver). My friend blurted out,
"God, I'm dying for a fag."
It took him a while to click since the three of us were pissing ourselves over the cross-cultural slang.

If you don't get it, a fag in the UK is a cigarette, whereas a fag in the US/Canada is a gay.
(HealdPK, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 18:42, Reply)

Slough
On a ThamesLink train:

'Does this train go to Sloff?'

(it did)
( BG, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 18:38, Reply)

This:
uk.news.yahoo.com/050707/325/fmw5r.html

( grey kid is breakdancing to save a community centre, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 18:35, Reply)