When I was in the States
I loved speling my name to Americans as it's d, o, w, d, a, l, l but I have always said double l as the end bit which they don't use.

This story I realise is a bit shit, but I do know that in Cambridge there is a drink made from Tomato juice and Coke called the "Bloody Tourist"!
(Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez is seriously considering a shorter username, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:47, Reply)

Outside the Houses of Parliament...
...Big Ben chimes six bongs, for 6'o clock, obviously.

American woman turns to American man and proffers the following:

"Oh, there must be a wedding going on"

prffrthtrthhh!
(And I don't agree with that in the workplace, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:46, Reply)

Bus
It is a big red thing that people get in to go places. So I spelt it with an 'a' instead of a 'er' I'm trying to save energy, that is why I just cleaned out the toilet and washed the cat at the same time. Don't Ask!!
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:46, Reply)

Not a stupid tourist (we were the tourists), just a stereotypically unworldly Sherman
On tour with my band in deepest Louisiana, we stopped at a truck stop at around 2am to take advantage of the staff being a bit jaded and sleepy by stuffing our pockets with trucker speed (proper ephedrine pills) and key rings with religious slogans.

The (rather cute) young lady on the till was a little flirtatious: 'I jest luhrve the way y'all tawk! Where're y'all frahm?'

'London, in England'

'Did y'all drive all the way heah?'

No. Not unless someone's figured out a way to make a trans-Siberian journey and helicopter airlift for a proper full-on rock-n-roll US tour bus cost less than 8 flights to JFK and bus hire, you fucking retard.

The scariest bit of the trip was either the drummer nearly being shot when he tried to open the wrong hotel door in the middle of nowhere in Montana, or the moment we realised that the huge pump-action shotgun hung over the counter at another truck stop (in New Mexico this time) was the first prize in the local beauty contest(!)

The funniest bit was chucking Graham from Blur in the hotel pool beacuse he was crying and saying he wanted his mum.
(redthing, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:43, Reply)

double-dekka bus?
What is that?

Loughborough. I used to visit there a bit and I never saw an American Tourist. Is this because they couldn't pronounce it when asking for directions or because they are all figments of your imaginations?
( F5 F5 F5 Can't be arsed., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:41, Reply)

Logie Bogerough!!!
I have 2 incidents involving nausiating ignoratn Americans. Once at a backpackers in Melbourne I had an brain dead tit come and ask me where I was from. Being polite I said 'Manchester' to which he replied with an air of knowledge 'Manchester?? Thats near England right?' Surpressing my instinct to beat the ingnorance out of him I replied 'No England is in Europe'

Second incident happened in Conventry. Car pulls up to me winds down window to reveal 2 more Americans dressed to brave the arctic in January not the midlands in September "Can you tell me the way to Logie Bogerough??" Obviously taking in to account the accent and dress sense I realised instantly that i was dealing with a far superiour intellect on a par with George Bush's and suspected they wanted to go to Loughborough I would however have been doing my fellow Englishmen a diservice had I not directed them straight into the nearest dodgy housing estate.
(Lord Turkey Boy the First The Real Turkey Boy, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:40, Reply)

Seals
I've loads of these since I've worked for years as a wildlife warden. While doing guided tours at Lands End, a tourist asked whether the grey shapes lying about on the helipad of the offshore lighthouse (which is on the top of the bloody thing) were seals....

"Yes, I replied, the lighhousekeepers leave the doors oepn so the seals can climb the stairs to get a good place to sunbathe"
(HemsleyOne, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:40, Reply)

While I'm on the subject...
I have just worked out that if the average fat American family, who partake of troughloads McDonnalds every day, were sitting, say on a double-dekka bus, and all dropped their guts at the same time, a single spark from a nylon shirt could, in theory, blow the roof right off. Makes you think don't it. Oh stop whining.
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:37, Reply)

Yes, I want to get shot!
In 1993, 20 or so of us spoiled stupid American college students went to Kenya for a class trip. Yes, the stereotypes are largely true, we do think everyone wants to be like us and we don't realize that WE are the oddballs! I could go on about walking through Nairobi with expensive jewlery for all to see (a necklace was snatched within five minutes) and the women wearing bikinis then getting offended at being stared at by the locals.

My fox paws (yes, I know it's faux pas, I'm trying to be cute!) was when I heard that I could get a better exchange rate to Kenya shillings at the bank than at the hotel. So me and two friends went across the street to the bank. My friend tried to open the door and quickly got into a tug of war with someone on the other side. Promptly, and helmetted guard with an assault rifle pokes his head out and glares at us.

"We're trying to get into the bank," my friend explains. The man just shakes his head. "We need to exchange money," she continues.

We finally realize it's Saturday and we'd tried to break into a bank.

Part of me was left thinking "But banks at home are open on Saturday mornings..."
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:35, Reply)

Yankee Doodle
Working in a hotel near Heathrow. Approached by dumpy, visored american pensioner..

"You know, I like Windsor Castle, but why did they have to build it under the Heathrow flight path?"

Notice the approach, speak nonsense and waddle off tactic employed so frequently and effectively by dumb doodles
(bendyness shows you on the brick where he licked her, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:35, Reply)

We got chatting to some Americans
on a bus tour around Eton, we stopped at some traffic lights by one of the houses, theres a big sign on the wall beside me that says "Carter House", the first thing these Americans ask us, "So, is that named after the Carter family?"
Us - "Well, yeah, I guess"
Them - "What, the one on the TV?!"
Us - "Maybe, which ones?"
Them - "As in 'John Truman Carter'..."

Because a private school that has been in the country for probably hundreds of years names their digs after TV characters from the 90s...
(P-nut Obsessive Compulsive Green Day Disorder..., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:32, Reply)

I used to live in Malaysia.
I was in a bar one night and a stupid English tourist asked the best way to Eye-poh.

How I laughed. He, of course, meant Ipoh.

Blah blah blah about Royal Sel-lang-gor pewter products.

Blah blah blah of course, he meant Royal Selangor pewter.

This is all of course bollocks but no more so than the Loogaburooga stories.
( F5 F5 F5 Can't be arsed., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:30, Reply)

when I was in Washington D.C
back in October 2004, I was shopping in "Bath and Body Works"(for those who don't know, it's almost exactly like The Body Shop), and as I was paying for the products, the woman at the counter asked me for my Zip Code. In my completely-obvious-I-am-not-American-since-I-live-in-Wales accent, I explained to her that I wasn't living in Washington. I told her that I lived in Wales. She then asked me which state Wales was in.


I do love America, though. Yet that was such a classic line!
(rainmaker is 98% lurker., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:28, Reply)

I was the "Tourist" sort of..
Being married to an American I went out there to meet the family. After the first week of people asking me what sort of food we ate in England my reply changed to be Guinea pig was the mainstay, but also hedgehog, dog, etc....
(Biscuit Boy - aka - mcvpjd3, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:28, Reply)

chip sandwiches
I used to be the Landlord of a pub in Leicester, and got quite a few American tourists and students in. I have got a strong Yorkshire accent, and (mickey taking aside) it was noticeably different from the locals.

So these two American lasses approach me, order two cokes and two chip sandwiches. Not chip butties, not chip balms, and not even chip cobs. No, chip sandwiches. And when they got them, asked for cutlery. And then they ate their chip sandwiches with a knife and fork.

As I was clearing their table one of them quite honestly asked me what part of Germany I was from.
"I'm from York" I replied, aghast.
"But that isn't even in Germany" she continued.
As if I was taking the piss.
( fr13day has everything required to be a Penguin, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:28, Reply)

Oh and...
I now live in Cambridge and was standing right outside Kings College making a mobile phone call. Just then an American tourist, and I kid you not, had a bright flowery shirt on his fat lardy body, a Nikon camera and shorts interupted me. "Hey buddy where's Kings Cullege?" So I sent the daft twunt to the shooping centre instead. I am thinking of wearing a big italic "i" on my shirt hoping more of the brainless feckers come and ask me directions. Will's mothers springs to mind.
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:26, Reply)

loughborough
Americans go there for the tasty Duffnuts.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:25, Reply)

hmmm
"I told them in no uncertain terms, firstly it is plural. 'Nelson's'"

god i hope that's ironic...

Edit: I guess it was!
(soma9766, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:17, Reply)

Scottish version of the Loughborough story
I've often heard tourists ask how to get to 'Milngavie'.

Actually, I suppose that's fair, as it's spelt Milngavie but pronounced 'Mul-guy.'

Ok, not as good as your Loogaburooga stories.

*gives up and goes back to sleep*

F x
(Flurble - The Innocent One, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:15, Reply)

Septic Tanks
I was once stopped in London by a big fat lard arsey Yank who asked me how to get to Bucking- Ham Casssel where your queen lives. Twatting burger munching lard monkey. I was furious and told him to shit off. Just after that I was still spitting feathers and muttering to myself, a couple of Happy-Jappy girls asked me where Nelsun Corrum is. I told them in no uncertain terms, firstly it is plural. 'Nelson's'. I then suggested that as they were able to find Pearl Harbour, they fuck off and look for it themselves. Cunts.
( Captn Hood-Butter is not dead yet., Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:12, Reply)

I'm English and I'm a black bloke,
When I worked at Butlins in Somerset an American tourist once refered to me as a "British African American"
( NobbyNobody 21 years a b3tan, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:07, Reply)

One time in the US of A........
I was staying with a friends family. We took a trip up to Lake Placid in NY state. There was a rugby tournament (rugby.....americans! I hear you say) and lots of stupid guys who had obviously been beaten around the head too much.
Anyway. I was sat with a group of American rugby players with their trophy wives when one of them says "where are you from", I respond "Manchester" in a normal accent. For some reason the 1 piss weak Bud that he had drunk suddenly made him try to recreat my accent by saying "morrrncheysstorrr". Yeah, thats exactly as I said it.
The most amazing that he said next was....wait for it........"what are you doing over here anyway? Are you a terrorist?"
What a clever man. It was only 6 months after 9/11, but he was the most dumb looney tune that I have ever been near.
I shrugged it off as I was drinking his beer and he didnt realise...pity it was bud!
(lomofrenzy, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:07, Reply)

Me the tourist...
During my travelling days across Australia I asked some locals directions to the an aboriginal town called "luff burra" they didn't half gaffaw and i felt like a prat when they told me it was actually pronounced Looga Barooga!

*may not be true.
(The Duke of Pontefract, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 14:06, Reply)

Ozzie hitchikers
My step dad and his mate once stopped for a couple of hitchikers. The 2 guys turned out to be Australian and one guy asked if they were driving anywhere near loogaborooga.

After some bemused contemplation they soon realised that they hitchikers were in fact going to Loughborough!!!
( darth munki is flipping livid, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:59, Reply)

Yanks in quaint Cotswold places
Bourton-on-the-Water - a lovely place which, as you'd half expect, is situated on a river. Whilst stood on one of the many bridges, an American couple sidle up to me and I overhear the gentleman say 'Gee Marge, do you think they pump this water round the village?'. He really did look quite perplexed by this flowing river. Bless.
( Mr Spleen Can do better. C-, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:56, Reply)

On my visit to Australia...
...knowing full well that their aren't any kangaroos milling around on the streets I still took the chance to ask my friend and host 'Where are all the kangaroos?' on a daily basis.

Just to annoy her.

Oh and I also told her I was gonna open a surf shop in Summer Bay. Knowing full well it doesn't exist.

Her friend got her own back by imitating my Wigan accent and constantly saying 'Oooh, sorry love. I stood on yer flip-flop'

Also I didn't know what a chicken schnitzel was much to their amusement.
( beefandcheese, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:53, Reply)

A few memorable yanks
American Lady: "So do you like work here?"
Me: "No, I'm a student"
American Lady: "Wow, ok, like, what are you studying?"
Me: "Pharmacology"
American Lady: "Really?? I used to live on a farm!"
Me: "I see."

---------------

Online chat:

Her (American again): "So which country are you from?"
Me: "UK"
Her: "Huh?"
Me: "United Kingdom"
Her: "but you're white"
Me: "yes..."
Her: "lmao sorry, i guess there must be some white arabs too!"
*block*
--------------

This was just last week, open day at uni, at the lifts. We have 2 lifts. One on the left, one on the right. The left display says "5" and the right display says "3".

This American kid is with his dad. he says, word for word, the following:

"Man let's just take the stairs, it's on the 53rd floor"

To be fair to the poor guy the displays are right next to each other...

--------------
(soma9766, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:47, Reply)

Loughborough
Hmmmm, WTF are all these American tourists supposed to be going there for?

I smell porky pies.
(driverchris, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:43, Reply)

An American friend...
...assures me that when visiting the UK it is considered to be great humour to ask all English people the way to Loughborough - but deliberately pronouncing it wrong as Loogabarooga. Apparently it gets them limeys every time...

edit: I Googled "Loughborough tourism" - there's fuck all there.
correction: There's a McDonalds on Park Road - that'll be it then. Phone number is 01509 260964 in case you want to book ahead.

(emadex thinks the world will end on, Fri 8 Jul 2005, 13:38, Reply)