One of the Classics.
b3ta.com/questions/dad/post986596
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 15:49, 55 replies)

magic plank
Ever get the feeling there's witchcraft at work? I'm 6' tall and 13 stone, fairly fit from an early career in moving cast steel brackets around a CNC machinery jig (between my Maplin and Flambards career posts) and even so, a 2-year old who doesn't want to get back into a pushchair when asked can be quite a physical challenge. They seem to be able to magically make themselves go as rigid as a plank and so cannot be manoeuvred through the straps to get them buckled in. Damned if there's anything you can do about it other than wait for them to pass out from holding their breath.

The only relief is that holding breath means a temporary cessation of the screeching fit drawing looks from all in a 200 foot radius who assume the child is being murdered.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 19 Jul 2012, 15:30, 16 replies)

Mirror
Like most 2 year olds, my daughter was learning the standard tantrum positions quite well. The foot stomp. The exagerated frown. The tears, the hysteria and the snotty nose.

Her best move was lying on her back and kicking both legs up and down. An oldy but a goody. For maximum effect, best done in Mum & Dad's room in front of the mirrored wardrobe doors.

We lost all sympathy when we busted her pausing in mid strop, to check out her own tantrum technique in the reflection.
(Simian Typewriter Supplies Pty. Ltd. is house hunting in the neighborhood of infinity, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 15:07, 1 reply)

Someone once grassed me up to my boss for making a joke about dead bodies and taking the piss on a forum based around poor taste irreverent humour.
I should give their boss a ring and see if they'll fire them.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 14:57, 7 replies)

once, a mod on QOTW had a tantrum and stepped me for an entire week for answering the question 'tell me about sheds'.
but that's not important right now.

i was once gripped by uncontrollable rage when blah blah star wars wrong droids etc.
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 14:44, 13 replies)

I occasionally like to post mildly mocking comments in reply to other people's stories on QOTW.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 14:32, 2 replies)

Facebook's just gone offline (in my house, at least)
If this doesn't start a screaming match in the kitchen, I'll be amazed.

If it's everyone's facebook, I guess Tottenham had better brace itself...
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 14:29, Reply)

My brother's fiance phoned me this morning to rant for an hour
about how stressed she was about her upcoming wedding, and how much she hated all the people her guests had chosen as +1s.

"It's awful! I'm so stressed I can't sleep! Do you have any idea what that's like??" She demanded.

I sleepily informed her that it was 6am, and so I had a fairly good idea.
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 14:26, Reply)

I FUCKEN HATE YOU ALL, YOUR FUCKEN PRICKS AND I WISH YOU'D ALL DIE AND FUCK OFF
GO ON, FUCKEN FUCK OFF YOU FUCKEN PRICKS CUNT SHITS, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SIGHT, I HATE YOU

SERIOUSLY, YOUR THE SHITTEST THING ABOUT THIS WHOLE WEBSITE, FALL DOWN A HOLE, DELETE YOUR ACCOUNT AND DIE IN A POOL OF YOUR OWN FAECES

PRICKS
(Quintno EXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 14:25, 9 replies)

Snivelling epic rant from my 3yr old
As a parent tantrums are almost a part of daily life bringing up 6yr and 3 yr old girls.

Last week our 3yr old gave a monumental strop when we told her it was time for bed. We're talking bright red face, streaming tears, snot, that jumping up and down on the spot thing whilst screaming at the top of her lungs about how she didn't want to go to bed.

I've learnt that giving her a dose of her own medicine and yelling at her doesn't work at all. So I calmed her down enough that there was the potential to talk to one another.

"Why are you behaving like this?" I asked her.

Through short breath snotty snivels she gasped "Because I'm tired!".

I lost it and started sniggering while I said "better go to bed then!" which started her off again.

Trust me chaps, unless you're really really sure about it, don't have kids!
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 14:18, 6 replies)

Not quite a tantrum...
...on the weekend my wife went out with her old school friends for a "get together".

"we'll just have a few, I'm not a sad alcoholic like you"

She stumbled home about 2:00 am, chundered all over the toilet floor, pissed herself, then fell into bed and snored like a pig.

I was so fucking annoyed at being woken up, cleaning up her vomit, put up with the stink of piss, booze and farts all night, knowing she'd be hungover in bed all the next day, unable to help look after kids.

I got out of bed, walked around to her side of the bed and wanked into her hair as she slept.


Fucking ruin my sleep, you get cummy hair.
( Ken Oath, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 13:52, 23 replies)

flying to miami a couple of years ago
and the four rows behind us were taken up with group of people who seemed to be all one family, although some were brits and some americans. one of the women, who must have been about 60, got totally smashed on the little bottles of voddie and started making a scene. her confrontation with the steward was epic. she was calling him racist because he had refused to serve her a 137th drink. he was trying to stay calm but was slowly losing his rag and saying things like "ma'am, you are digging yourself a hole the depth of which you cannot imagine, ma'am."

it would have been comedy gold, except that we were worried she was going to get the plane diverted somewhere to throw her overboard, thus delaying our beach time. eventually her enormous son, who was really embarrassed by the whole thing, sat on her, and she shut up.

when we landed in miami, the enormous son clearly wanted to get the fuck out of there. he leapt to his feet and tugged the overhead bin open with some force. right down onto his own head. "SON OF A BITCH!!" he bellowed, staggering around the aisle with his hands clapped over his head. and then proceeded to kick the fuck out of the seats around him for no apparent reason.

like mother, like son, i guess.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 13:51, 3 replies)

WHERE’S THE BLOODY CAR KEYS?
Me, my brother and my sister all passed our driving tests within a few months of each other, and having killed our wheels (a clapped-out Renault Four)completely TO DEATH within weeks, we were a one-car family with all the strains this puts on the social lives of three teenagers. The trouble was that my brother wanted the car all the time, while my parents needed it for trivial things like "shopping" and "going to work". Sooner or later, things were going to go - as they say - completely fucking mental.

It started with quiet, reasoned voices, discussing why he ought to use the family car a bit less, contribute to the petrol every once in a while, or perhaps even go out and buy his own set of wheels. Three seconds later came the first "IT’S NOT FAIR!" followed by the first "I HATE YOU ALL!" before a lengthy discussion in which the state of his bedroom and the costs involved in feeding him were pointed out. This led to to the first "I DON’T HAVE TO LIVE HERE YOU KNOW!" and another "IT’S NOT FAIR!"

Out of the house he stomped, slamming the front door almost off its hinges with a hearty "RIGHT! I DON’T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS CRAP, I’M GOING OUT!" aimed at anyone who was listening.

A peaceful calm descended over the house. The dog came out from behind the sofa. A small herd of deer flitted across the garden.

Slowly, the front door opened again. My brother, with storms of anger still swirling over his brow crept back into the house.

"What do you want?" asked Mum.

"WHERE’S THE BLOODY CAR KEYS?"

Full 12-inch remix what I wrote [gulp] ten years ago when I was a famous HERE
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 13:46, Reply)

Getting off a plane a few years ago
I had all my bags packed, jacket on, ready to go, and as I went to step around some guy in the aisle he stuck his bum out and refused to let me past until he was ready. He was an older guy in a posh suit, as well.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 13:26, 5 replies)

I threw a right feck when I found out I'd missed the shed stuff.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 13:16, Reply)

I quite liked the qftw-ite
who was so upset at my being able to speak French that he emailed my work wishing my kids would get cancer.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 13:12, 13 replies)

I used to go out with a girl doing "Women's Studies" at university.
She was really right-on, vegetarian, and smoked roll-ups.

What she was doing going out with me in the first place I don't know, but she was quite pretty and had magnificent norks, so I didn't mind.

After we'd got the shagging months over with and settled down, we started arguing continually - two people living in one room without a telly does not for a good time make.

Our last row was about an item I can't remember, due to the magnificence of her closing point:

"Oh my god! You're just! So! Fucking! MALE! ARRRRRGH!"

I didn't know whether to apologise or thank her.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 13:12, 6 replies)

CLOSE QOTW!

( Peej, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 13:12, 6 replies)

I nominate the lady on the Piccadilly Line
I was in the same carriage as a few years back, who pulled the Emergency Stop handle and faked a fainting fit, because someone stepped around her when she wouldn't move down the carriage. That's sexual assault, apparently. She was at least 40, you'd have though she'd be slightly less childish.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 13:06, Reply)

One time I said shed and then rape and then shedrape, that didn't end well

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 13:06, 18 replies)

One time I got so upset at the Internet I spent many moons writing a really cutting poem about a man I've never met.

( SteveFrench Cardio is for homo's. do you even lift bro?, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 13:03, 27 replies)

Last time I went on the sunbed, I took my hip flask in with me.
And that's how I ended up with TANNED RUM.
Eh? EH?

*sigh*
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 13:02, 3 replies)

One time I got upset at a shed

( Theoban What of it, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 13:00, Reply)

SHED!
SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!SHED!
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Thu 19 Jul 2012, 12:59, 4 replies)

I predict a riot.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 12:57, 2 replies)

AWWW!!!!! I WANTED ONE OF THE OTHER TOPICS TO WIN!!!
THIS IS A FUCKING ABOMINATION! I'M NEVER COMING ON HERE EVER AGAIN! STUPID FUCKING QUESTION OF THE FUCKING WEEK BASTARDS! WHY MUST IT ALWAYS BE SO FUCKING SHIT? WHY DO YOU NEVER PICK SHEDS? ALWAYS BOLLOCKS LIKE THIS! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU ALL!!!
( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 12:54, 2 replies)

This'll end well.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 12:53, 1 reply)

Waaa!
FIRST - FLOUNCE OFF!
( b3tz, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 12:52, Reply)

I get angry if I'm not first

(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 19 Jul 2012, 12:51, 1 reply)