My Dad the legend? Try tosspot
I've never really gotten on with my dad. He liked Football, I liked reading. He liked going out on the lash and shagging his secretary, I liked going out with guys my own age and shagging them.

The straw which broke the camels back however was something so trivial that I'm amazed it's come to no contact with him, his wife and my three siblings...

It was my youngest (at the time) sister Christening, I'd been asked to be the God-parent which naturally was no problem, so I packed up some clothing and took the two hour journey to Amersham and settled in for a night. I got there, "hello! hello! hello!" from my step-mum, my dad? "What clothes you wearing", ah cheers, thanks.

I bring out my clothes, some Khaki's and a white shirt, as I've mentioned in another post those horrible black work trousers bring me out in a rash and wearing them for any period of time is literally torture. He takes one look at my clothes, walks upstairs and literally *throws* some of his old clothes at me saying "wear them", and then walks off leaving me and his wife in stunned disbelief.

Rest of the night passes awkwardly as I struggle to figure out am I a 12y/o child being told what to do or a 26y/o man who actually can wear what the fuck I want? So in the morning, I wake up and put on my clothes to both my SM's and Dad's horror. My dad refuses to look at me and just walks off, my SM asks me "why won't you consider wearing them?" to which I reply with the last thing I've said to my dad and SM for a year and a half:

"If the clothes are so important to you then why don't you make the clothes the God-parent instead of me? If you want me to the God-parent then let me wear my own God damn clothes".

My SM looks like I'd hit her with a shovel after digging up her (hopefully) dead grand parents and sodomizing them both with a giraffe. Yes I felt guilty but my dad? Wouldn't even look at me.

We go to the Christening and the rest of my family does the same, lots of whispers about "lack of respect" and "who does he think he is" while I'm pointing out the glaringly obvious fact that all the men there are also wearing Khaki trousers due to the cold weather but apparently, what's good for the goose isn't good for the gander. It's only right that the God parent should freeze his arse off for the sake of a few photos.

We do the Christening, I get the next train home and all due to a pair of trousers my dad no longer refuses to speak to me nor allow any official photos of me with my God-son as apparently I "didn't look the part", which he could only tell me through my older sisters. As a result, this was the last time I saw my brother Liam who is now 18 months old, my sisters Jenny and Anna who are 3 & 4 and another one on the way.

Apologies for the lack of funniez, rather cathartic reading this back. Normally family schisms are caused by men not being able to keep their trousers on at the right time, my schism was caused by keeping mine on...
(Helo, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 10:09, 91 replies)

It would annoy me too.
Maybe I'm stuck in the past but I'm insistent on people wearing a suit and tie for special occasions.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 10:37, closed)

Me too
With sword and medals, of course.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 12:36, closed)

lol Gay

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 10:57, closed)

Well done for working that out Rory...No really, well done.
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(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 11:01, closed)

Cheers

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 11:05, closed)

I can only agree with this statement

( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 11:12, closed)

So your story is 'I ruined my sister's christening by being a stubborn self-important prick?'

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 11:03, closed)

and have since neglected to uphold my Godparenting duties
over a stupid row about trousers.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 11:07, closed)

Indeed.
'If you want me to the God-parent then let me wear my own God damn clothes'

Because Godparenting isn't a massive honour or anything, it's something that can be used to blackmail your family into dressing like a bell end.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 11:09, closed)

Yeah, quite - I mean, taking on the responsibility of helping to raise the child and becoming its spiritual mentor is almost entirely irrelevent compared to the critical importance of sporting a particular kind of trouser at the ceremony. Mind you - if I had a personality like yours, I'd probably be very concerned with how best to focus attention elsewhere, too.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:09, closed)

My point was, if you're given the honour of doing something like that, the least you can do to show your appreciation is dress the way you are asked to dress.
Considering the ceremony was in no way about him, he could have at least tried to get some black trousers.

Also, totally gazzing the mods about this hurtful personal attack.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:12, closed)

Well played
I read all of that and didn't have a fucking clue what he was gibbering about.
( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 11:10, closed)

Honestly, you'd think the fucking flouncing mary would have manned up for one day for the sake of his sister and the rest of his family,
and just done as he was asked.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 11:10, closed)

You do seemen a little bit self important
Hows about manning up - lol - and faking a real relationship with your dad for the sake of your sibblings huh?
(TwinkleFuckingToes Has a ingrown toe nail, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 11:09, closed)

Haha, seemen.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 11:14, closed)

@ BraynDedd - Wearing clothes which I picked out (which may I add were work trousers, link here, thepreppyprincess.files.wordpress.com/2008/07/khaki-relaxed-0308-lg.jpg) and a plain white work shirt that don't cause a severe reaction causing several days of pain and itching?

Sure. Would you ask someone with a mild allergic reaction to peanuts to eat them just because the family told you to?

@ oneinthepink - Neglecting my Godparent duties? And those would be what exactly as I neither follow nor adhere to religion? He (I need to change that stupid post...) has a mum, a dad and an extended family. At the ripe old age of 18 months I'm sure that he misses me.

@ TwinkleFuckingToes - Manning up and having a real relationship? Yeah... I had cancer earlier this year, told my family and they told me to "text us about it and let me know how it works out for you", I passed my Brown Belt grading 4 weeks after my operation and none of my family turned up. It takes two to tango and they're not interested.

Queeny huff? Hardly, I have a bad reaction to wearing the type of trousers (these, www.yourschooluniform.com/pictures/products/non-logoed/206/tpt%20bt1_black_206.jpg) so I broought something that I can wear in order to take part. Meh, look at me feeding the trolls.
(Helo, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 13:06, closed)

You could at least have worn some black trousers.
I'm siding with your family here because you sound like a proper stroppy difficult little shit.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 13:12, closed)

Yes yes off course darling. Now go back, troll momma and pappa in perfect world are missing you.
(Helo, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 13:12, closed)

lol still Gay

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 13:14, closed)

ahahahahahaha, seriously, your coming across as a right dick.
My brother is godfather to my daughter, and he turned up to the Christening in Adidas Poppers and a T shirt, (no social decorum) and he changed into a spare suit I had in the back of the car (travelling salesman at the time) and he DIDNT THROW A FUCKING MINCING STROP ABOUT IT.
your just obviously not likeable enough for even your own family to like you.
Which explains why everyone here thinks your a doughnut.
(Unstable-Dan looks like that bloke out of Scream, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 13:20, closed)

It's nice that you still play dressing-up with your chav brother.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 13:36, closed)

it's nice that my family members dont fall out over a pair of trousers, more like
AM I RIGHT READERS?
Also, my brother isn't a chav, he was 16 and had never had cause for formal wear, hence the attire. Fortunately, (and I think I may have mentioned this), it didn't lead to the whole family falling to bits.
PHEW!
(Unstable-Dan looks like that bloke out of Scream, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 13:50, closed)

Now now, I'm with BraynDedd on this one
Seriously, boo hoo, I'm allergic to all black trousers... seriously, have you tried some black trousers made from the same material as your khakis?
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 13:22, closed)

I'm quite alergic to work, I get a bad case of bordem and sometimes it makes me tired.

( G/PP &#128169;&#128169;&#128169;&#128169;&#128169;&#128, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 13:30, closed)

Haha, upset, online
My daddy's the worst in the world too, cos he told me to wear smart clothes to an important family event, boohoo!

i47.tinypic.com/29ysjgy.jpg
( Theoban What of it, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 13:24, closed)

that is HORRIFYING.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 13:27, closed)

haha

( likeajackhammer, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:21, closed)

And btw, they refuse to speak to me, not I refuse to speak to them.
(Helo, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 13:13, closed)

Yes, and I can see why.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 13:13, closed)

what
because he didn't wear a specific pair of trousers? You think that's grounds for disowning a child? Bit of perspective, anyone?
The OP's dad sounds like a right dick, especially with the whole cancer shenanigans. Makes me gladder than ever my father is awesome.
(jennymnemonic, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 13:30, closed)

No, because he's a selfish flouncing fuck-yeti.
Do try to keep up, inferior forum user.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 13:33, closed)

I heard that having cancer means you get a brown belt

( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 13:34, closed)

Bowel cancer maybe =(

( G/PP &#128169;&#128169;&#128169;&#128169;&#128169;&#128, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 13:35, closed)

lolololol

( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 13:36, closed)

(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 13:34, closed)

Hahahaha
silly cheryl coles dad, comedy website is not newsgroup.
( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 13:35, closed)

True
But the rest of it is fairly bang on right?
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 13:38, closed)

Yeah
it's quite clear that certain people are trying to CONTROL us through DIVIDE and CONQUER and THREATENING people. Online.
Internet = serious business.
( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 13:43, closed)

I don't think it's fair to say 'helo' is a troll, I'm sure s/he is a very nice person.
Please don't go around calling 'helo' a troll when they've just been open and honest with you.
( G/PP &#128169;&#128169;&#128169;&#128169;&#128169;&#128, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 13:39, closed)

I'm struggling to see where anyone other than perhaps Happy Phantom and Helo have done any of that.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 13:57, closed)

(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:01, closed)

Well done on being able to post pictures from another website.
Do you fancy addressing my point now?
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:02, closed)

I cannot comment
I have not seen Happy Phantom or Helo trolling you or anyone for that matter. Anyway best to not take it to seriously you are entitled to do what you do but don't seem to like people responding in a negative light.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:07, closed)

To be fair, Happy Phantom is a massive white knight rather than a troll.
He's still a bit shit mind.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:13, closed)

I think he is fairly funny
He wrote a funny poem about Fris earlier....
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:17, closed)

Nothing at all troll-like about your rather repetetive posting strategy, is there? You know, the one where you pick a random post, chuck out some halfwitted babble and a few swears, then link to it from /talk so everyone there can share in and marvel at your incisive Swiftean wit.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:19, closed)

yeah
go go gadget lol
( likeajackhammer, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:23, closed)

go go gadget rofflecopter

( likeajackhammer, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:23, closed)

GO GO GADGET IAMDEADCLEVERANDAMRUNNINGTOTHEAIDOFANINTERNETMAIDEN

( likeajackhammer, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:25, closed)

GO GO GADGET RICKROLL
this is comedy gold this is^
( likeajackhammer, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:25, closed)

How
can helo be an internet maiden? he is a 26 (roughly) year old gay man.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:41, closed)

So you're just a bit thick then?

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:48, closed)

I guess i'm not up to speed
on all this "knighting" and "maiden" terminology, I always assumed that if you were doing it, you would hope to get something out of it, i.e a shag.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 15:10, closed)

Oh man, that's me well and truly put in my place.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:23, closed)

YEAH!
TOO FUCKING RIGHT! YEAH!
( likeajackhammer, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:24, closed)

I'll have to stop getting massively upset at every single post on QOTW that isn't someone metaphorically sucking someone else's willy.
Oh, hang on...
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:26, closed)

Good, Winston
I for one hail the coming of our new utopian society where people can embellish dull anecdotes of their life without the threat of people telling them to get a fucking grip on themselves!
( likeajackhammer, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:33, closed)

I will have no part in your dystopian nightmare.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:34, closed)

... yet

( likeajackhammer, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:35, closed)

Good choice - doing so might disrupt your super-tunnel vision focus on becoming massively upset over a complete stranger's choice of trouser.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:42, closed)

Oh god, my hypocrisy meter just broke.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:45, closed)

I bet this gets posted on "the truth about 9/11" forums all the time
it's pretty much entirely irrelevant here, unless this really has become a place for online therapy.
( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:08, closed)

I was under the impression that it was a comedy site.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:14, closed)

Dunno
I've been cracking up over badly written sob stories about people's dead Dads this week, so I suppose it's doing the job.
( wotofco pissing in your swimming pool, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:20, closed)

Yeah but
Don't you see Braindead, laughing at a B3ta'ns sexuality, or the fact that they had cancer is not funny to everyone. Although that stuff wasn't uttered by yourself, it may as well have been. Now don't get me wrong you're entitled to post what the hell you like but as I keep saying don't get upset when people don't sign up to your weekly blog and newsletter.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:59, closed)

Whoa whoa whoa,
I may as well have been laughing at his cancer? Where did that come from? I only said he was being a bit of a prick for refusing to compromise.
Also, I don't have a weekly blog or newsletter, nor do I get upset on here, because only pricks do that.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 15:09, closed)

Yup. You posting about something you disagree with on a board you dislike, feeling that it's of such universal importance that you link to it from an entirely separate board, then indulging your bizarre fixation with having the last word (however retarded) in every single subthread, has nothing whatsoever to do with you being irrationally upset and somewhat self-absorbed. Anyone disagreeing with you, however, is clearly lolupset at the internet/a 'shut-in'/any of your other dull cliches.

Science.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 15:23, closed)

Exactly my point
you linked the OP to /talk and invited people to the thread that took the piss out of Helo for being gay and having cancer, that is not the corner stone of a comedy website, it's called getting your kicks by abusing someone. It's all there at the top of the post, so you have associated yourself with this nonce sense. I'm not irate or pissed off, in fact i'm in quite a good mood. I am not ganging up on you, as you can see there is only a couple of us on this thread that object, however left to your own devices you would have most definately have been ganging up on the OP....
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:04, closed)

Nonce Sense
is that a peado's special power?
(TwinkleFuckingToes Has a ingrown toe nail, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:14, closed)

Yes....
Yes it is.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:15, closed)

oh dear.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 16:54, closed)

Is that a picture of Helo at the christening?

( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 13:58, closed)

you should add, as a technique:
DISAGREEING WITH ME! :(
( likeajackhammer, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:08, closed)

Fee Fi foe thumb i smell the blood of a man what bums
Dude let it go, as Frankie once said "Relax don't do it...." you're in a viscious circle at the moment. All this anger you have, that you are carrying, means you are reacting with emotion rather tan reason. While I truely believe your parents are a royal pains in the arse, do you realise how difficult it can be to deal with a person who doesn't react rationally?

Be responsible for the change you want to see in the world.

Discretion is the better part of valour go and see your siblings.
(TwinkleFuckingToes Has a ingrown toe nail, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 13:50, closed)

_0, yup, love that family.)
(Helo, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:30, closed)

I'll be honest...
I haven't read any of this... but on first impressions I think you're swell!
( likeajackhammer, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:00, closed)

I can't tell, are you a bloke or a women?
I think you're a bloke, but then you linked to that blog which is probably of a girl (from the url). I think most blokes would say 'god father' rather than 'god parent', but that's not nesserarly an indication. Plus the url of the blog is a girl's name.

Anyway, I'm sure you're very very upset at the whole ordeal, but you've come off, at least to me, as an anxy teenager.

I'm ever so sure you sincerly feel wronged by your family, but would it be so hard to look smart for the event? I'm sure there is more to it than what you've said, a lifetime of misunderstandings and perhaps worst, but maybe you can draw a line under it all and start again? You've ovbously very angry about the whole thing, and it will always affect you in life until you can come to terms and be content with the way things are.
( G/PP &#128169;&#128169;&#128169;&#128169;&#128169;&#128, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 13:35, closed)

if you are a girl...
prove it by posting pictures of your fanny and tits please
( likeajackhammer, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:10, closed)

This type of picture can be faked
with a simple tuck under and some moobs - I suggest a legs-a-kimbo shot for good measure.
(TwinkleFuckingToes Has a ingrown toe nail, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:13, closed)

That sounds like the voice of someone who has experience in this area.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:14, closed)

POIDH - Clothed so Safe for Work
www.flickr.com/photos/dragonden/3273233582/
(TwinkleFuckingToes Has a ingrown toe nail, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:17, closed)

Heh, I'm a bloke. Yes it does sound very "angsty teenager", however after wearing my clothes for the better part of 10 years (moved out at 16), being forced to do something that I didn't want to do for no reason than "it's just not right" doesn't sit well with me.

As I reasoned, tell me a reason to wear the black trousers made with 80% man made fibres which destroy your legs, tell me a good reason why khaki isn't as efficent or nice as black or tell me why everyone else can wear khaki and I can't however just tell me to do something and I will react like a teenager.

Oh, I don't know why I say God-parent... Due to my experiences with parents (my own), the odds of me being a parent are small.
(Helo, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:32, closed)

You've got me on lolignore now, so you won't see this,
but it is possible to buy black cotton trousers. You fucking flouncing idiot.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:38, closed)

Couldn't help it
I'd have gone for the leather chaps myself
(TwinkleFuckingToes Has a ingrown toe nail, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:41, closed)

How about wearing black trousers that don't hurt your legs? I'm pretty sure most materials come in black these days.
You're making a very big issue about htis being a 'medical condition', and then making the same thing something on principal. It's very rarely a situation where both are right.

You should dress the part for the event, "Dress the part, look the part, be the part". If you feel you could wear what you want, if you turned up in an oversized hoody and baggy jogging bottoms?
( G/PP &#128169;&#128169;&#128169;&#128169;&#128169;&#128, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:43, closed)

you flailing spastic.
do you really think that at 26 the only black trousers you can buy are school ones? it's not about the trousers. your parents hate you because you're a massive autistic disappointment to them.
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 15:22, closed)

pfft

( Frisbee TeaBoy, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:09, closed)

@ BraynDedd
I'm glad b3ta has got an ignore button but cheers for the rest who want to say something rather than moan.
(Helo, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:33, closed)

AWOOOOOOOOOOOOGA!
IMMINENT IGNORE ALERT!

COMMENCE "TELLING OF THE INTERNET"!
( likeajackhammer, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:35, closed)

Weeeeeeeeeeeee WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I knows, internet iz srous buziness
(Helo, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:36, closed)

OH NOES, IGNORED BUT YOU STILL FELT THE NEED TO DRAW ATTENTION TO IT.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 26 Nov 2010, 14:35, closed)