Sellotape Corgi die-cast models to your face
To give off that "I've come dressed as a car park" vibe.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 9 Nov 2010, 11:01, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Pagans/Wiccans/naturists.
When dancing naked around the fire in the woods/nudist beach; please be sure to only be really fit women, as the sight of 50yo hippies prancing about nekkid is unholy and wrong, in all the wrong ways.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 9 Nov 2010, 9:19, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Pagans/Wiccans/naturists.
When dancing naked around the fire in the woods/nudist beach; please be aware that when the music stops, not everything else does..
(Hudekin ( . )( . ) - cos i can't use photoshop.., Tue 9 Nov 2010, 2:52, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Annoying neighbours.
Are your neighbours playing god-awful music at TWO IN THE BLOODY MORNING..? Knock on their door at 4:00am and tell them how much you really enjoyed it.
(Hudekin ( . )( . ) - cos i can't use photoshop.., Tue 9 Nov 2010, 2:24, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Policemen
If someone smacks you in the face, chase after them, and thus recreate the car chase from "Bullit", but without the expensive cars.

This will work best if the perp's neighbour has a green VW Beetle.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 8 Nov 2010, 15:13, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Enjoy a "Bullit"-style car chase without the expensive cars
By smacking a copper in the face then running away.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 8 Nov 2010, 11:55, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Gays:
Lie on top of your penis for half an hour, and when you have a wank it will feel like you're rubbing someone else's.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 8 Nov 2010, 9:51, Reply)

Science vs Religion
Rather than praying for world peace/healing/lottery win, why not piss into the wind as it's been scientifically proven to have exactly the same effect.
(HobbitsMakeNicePets, Mon 8 Nov 2010, 8:45, Reply)

Before liking or 'favouriting' videos on YouTube
of hot girls kissing, make sure you are aware of what your YouTube account is sharing with Facebook.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 8 Nov 2010, 0:26, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Laugh at americans
because only three nations haven't officially changed to the metric system: Liberia, Myanmar, and the United States.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Sun 7 Nov 2010, 18:26, 6 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

hiccups
Are nature's way of saying "stop shaving and put the razor down."
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 7 Nov 2010, 2:02, Reply)

Make youer own "mobile table"
by strapping a board onto your cat's back.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Sat 6 Nov 2010, 16:40, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Become a fat, blind, vegetarian
Or you won't feel the beany feast.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 5 Nov 2010, 16:12, Reply)

Americans
Introduce a November 5th style observance by strapping an effigy of a terrorist to a table and tipping buckets of water over its face and then go outside and throw paper darts at the side of tall buildings.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 5 Nov 2010, 15:55, Reply)

Further amuse airport security
by changing your name by deed poll to "There's a Bomb in my Luggage"
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 5 Nov 2010, 15:51, Reply)

Amuse the security services by starting every 'phone conversation with a discussion weighing up the benefits of nefarious plots to bring down the West
before quickly moving onto hilarious anecdotes and one-liners.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 5 Nov 2010, 9:18, Reply)

Fool your cat
into thinking you've got friends and family by pretending to talk on the phone, have photos of strangers on the wall and leaving the house for several hours at a time.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 4 Nov 2010, 23:51, Reply)

Fool friends and relatives into thinking you've just got a cat
by saying "I've just got a cat."
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 4 Nov 2010, 16:57, Reply)

Girls!
Make yourselves useful and give me a blow job.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 4 Nov 2010, 12:22, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Sprinkle broken glass on to your carpets and walk around barefoot for that
"Freshly cut open feet" feeling.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 3 Nov 2010, 8:48, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Lots of holes tied together make excellent nets.

(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Wed 3 Nov 2010, 4:03, 6 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Don't waste time waiting to get registered with a dentist
Dentists cost the earth and you need to register your unborn embryos with them to get a chance of NHS treatment. Get yourself a Dremel instead and save lots of money drilling your family's teeth at home.
(Furby_Eater cba, Wed 3 Nov 2010, 0:23, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

make people think
That you have a big head by being hydrocephalus.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 2 Nov 2010, 23:15, Reply)

Take a leaf out of Martin Luther King Jr.'s book
He reckoned if a certain demographic is legally forbidden from doing something, that the best way to bring about social change was through peaceful protest, not violence. That way your opponents have nothing to pin on you.

So, as he opined, don't use violence as a protest method...

or you won't foil the ban, he thought.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Tue 2 Nov 2010, 21:05, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Make people think that you're wearing a large hat
By wearing a large hat.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 2 Nov 2010, 16:23, Reply)

Use an MP3 player, CD player, cassette, vinyl or the radio to listen to music
or attend a gig.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 2 Nov 2010, 12:46, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Don't turn down the chance to give foot massages to presenters of home improvement programmes
You won't feel the Beeny feet.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Tue 2 Nov 2010, 11:22, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Make sure to hide your elderly relatives' epilepsy pills in a different place on every visit
Or you wont see your granny fit.

Getting waaay past tenuous now... ;-)
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 16:47, Reply)

Rob all the warships of U2's front man
Or you won't steal the Bono fleet.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 1 Nov 2010, 16:21, Reply)

Parents!
Send your children mixed messages by, for 364 days a year, warning them about going out on their own after dark and accepting sweets from strangers.






On a totally unrelated note, Malteses can absorb a surprisingly large amount of liquid pethidine, but don't inject too much or the weight will be wrong.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Mon 1 Nov 2010, 15:53, 1 reply, 14 years ago)