Several empty matchboxes glued on top of each other successively
makes an ideal chest of drawers for a mouse.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 15:32, Reply)

Avoid onion tears
squeezing a lemon into your eyes first. The excessive watering should wash away any onion particulates that would normally irritate your eyes.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 15:28, Reply)

Worried about the size of your penis?
Just get a smaller girlfriend!
( greedyostrich Cheese is evil! Cheddar is VOODOO!, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 14:49, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Don't die on a Friday
It ruins the weekend for everyone!
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 14:33, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Save money on giving your kids expensive packed lunches to take to school
By being so poor they get free dinners.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 14:17, Reply)

Avoid Onion Tears when cutting...
By hanging a bit of bread out your mouth.

See replies for a link to story...
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 13:27, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Adopt a really sarcastic tone of voice and tell people exactly what you think of them
then if they take offense, you can say you were only joking, and accuse them of not having a sense of humour.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 11:48, Reply)

Sprinkle paprika on your snow-covered path
It won't melt the snow, but it looks nice
(Smale is stuffed, Mon 20 Dec 2010, 9:40, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Avoid the stigma of post WW2 Judaism
by keeping your foreskin and skipping your Barmitzvar.
(Technical xtc - Furious Internet, Sun 19 Dec 2010, 23:22, Reply)

Prepare yourself for dry anger fucks up the tradesman's entrance
by getting circumcised.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Sun 19 Dec 2010, 9:50, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Lube?
Never go for the dry horn at the "tradesman's entrance." It will bust your guitar string.. and make you uncool
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Sat 18 Dec 2010, 20:40, Reply)

Save money on an expensive snow globe
by simply leaving BBC News 24 on all day.
( Mr Nerdy-Speccy-FuckNuts Ouchy ouchy wa wa!, Sat 18 Dec 2010, 20:04, Reply)

Rangerover Vogue 4x4 drivers
Make everyone marvel at the outstanding awesomeness of your penis substitutemobile by driving too close with no lights on, and then overtaking a line of cars driving 'to the conditions' with a 'wanker' gesture.
Unfortunately this may also cause the drivers you've overtaken to slow down and call you a cunt to your sobbing face when the laws of physics overcome your tosspotterishly feeble driving skills in a bend and you roll aforementioned penis substitutemobile into a ditch.

You utter, utter cunt.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Sat 18 Dec 2010, 18:42, 6 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Worried about frozen pipes
to an outside tap? Turn the tap on so that it is only just dripping and place a bucket underneath. The flow of water through the pipe, albeit very small, will prevent the water in the pipe from freezing.

Theoretically, you may need to experiment with the drip speed. There's also the possibility of a pretty icicle hanging from the tap.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 17 Dec 2010, 22:58, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Makeeverythinggofasterbydoingshitloadsofspeed.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 17 Dec 2010, 16:38, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Bored with Top Tips?
Then why not do some work you lazy git!
( Vambo, Fri 17 Dec 2010, 13:30, Reply)

Bored at work?
Why not read the top tips on B3ta?
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Fri 17 Dec 2010, 8:08, Reply)

Make Santa's job
more interesting by lacing his sherry with LSD.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 17 Dec 2010, 1:33, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Kids! Live in a house with no chimney?
Make sure you smash a window so Santa can get in.
( Mr Nerdy-Speccy-FuckNuts Ouchy ouchy wa wa!, Thu 16 Dec 2010, 21:23, Reply)

giving your dog
Stardust / popping candy stuff makes it pull a face as if it's chewing on an invisible tennis ball.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 16 Dec 2010, 17:59, Reply)

Dear Ebay user
Open a dispute on ebay against me demanding a refund. Be sure to tell them that you won't return the item because you no longer have it in your possession. Tell them this due to you sending it to a third party the day before you escalated to a claim. They're bound to find in your favour.

Idiot.

Signed

He who can now get his money out of Paypal and buy his daughters Christmas present.
( Peej, Thu 16 Dec 2010, 13:51, Reply)

Using the word "but"
Can help avoid people thinking you generally hold such opinions.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 16 Dec 2010, 9:49, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Want to be festive?
Don't wrap loads of tinsel around your roof rack. It might look ok in the carpark, but when you're doing 60 down the dual carriageway, it starts to disintegrate into a trail of glittery chaff behind your car making it look like your driving along in a big gay comet.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 16 Dec 2010, 0:08, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Men
Make people think you have a large willy by wearing a pair of pants fashioned from a Fresnel lens.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 16 Dec 2010, 0:01, Reply)

Want to retrieve a cable
from out of a bag of other cables? Pretend you want to pull all of them out at the same time and hey presto, just the wire you really wanted will slide out without getting snagged on anything.

This also can be applied to pieces of paper with a pile of books on it whereby you pretend you want the paper AND all the books too.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 18:33, Reply)

Ladies!
Instead of walking backwards blindfold into the lavatory, simply walk forwards, stretch out your hand, and adjust the seat to your preferred downwards position.

Then put it back up when you've finished, so your male cohabitees keep their shins dry.
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 17:28, Reply)

Make sure everyone knows you're working class
by saying "you know that Royle Family? It's just like that in our house. And when I go to club, it's just like that Phoenix Nights thing. You know that thing on telly with that bloke in a wheelchair. You know, him that goes 'garlic bread?'" instead of using posh poncy words like 'relate'.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 16:44, Reply)

Make sure everyone knows you're working class
by telling everyone how much you relate to the Royle Family and Phoenix Nights.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:59, Reply)

Recount tales from your trip to Thailand in your gap year
and people will think you're really cultured and interesting.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 15:19, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Jump inside a brazier
for that burnt in a cylinder feeling.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Wed 15 Dec 2010, 14:50, Reply)