Quiche
When baking the pastry for your quiche, bake it with the excess pastry folded over the edges of the dish, then trim the excess off only after baking. This ensures the passtry doesn't shrink back during baking and gives you a neater edge. Also works for tarts.
(Smale is stuffed, Tue 29 Mar 2011, 12:31, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Tourists! Are you a little bit lost, and need to consult the map you've just bought?
Standing in the middle of the street in the middle of rush hour in a small huddle is the perfect way to do this.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 28 Mar 2011, 14:43, Reply)

Phones
When you detect your battery may be low, be sure to flash and vibrate every minute to ensure the already dwindling power supply lasts for a shorter period of time than it could
(whorsepower needs an amusing sig, Mon 28 Mar 2011, 8:24, Reply)

Blokes,
Keep your partner happy by sprinkling drinking chocolate down your hogs eye for that extra special romantic cocoa-spunk treat.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 27 Mar 2011, 19:55, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Have a garden pond?
Use the water to water your houseplants. It is far more nutritious than tap water, or even water from a filter will ever be.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 27 Mar 2011, 19:51, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Work in an office on a fairly high floor
When bored, looking out of the window on to any buildings opposite, imagining it to be a level in Tomb Raider and then trying to see how you'd get about helps passes the time.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 27 Mar 2011, 14:26, Reply)

Never flush the loo while your housemate's in the shower
Or she'll scream "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN HERE? RIGHT, I'M PHONING THE LANDLORD THIS TIME!"
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Sat 26 Mar 2011, 16:08, Reply)

Instead of skinning someone alive for a suit...
Simply ask a large person to give you a great big cuddle as it is generally less messy and much warmer.
( the dalai farmer always likes tea, but especially on, Sat 26 Mar 2011, 12:39, Reply)

If you're going to skin someone alive to make a suit, it may seem easier to choose someone smaller than you... but the suit will never fit, they don't have enough skin.
So if you're going to skin someone alive, make sure they're bigger than you.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 25 Mar 2011, 17:47, Reply)

Liven up a dull day at the office by employing a string quartet
and have them play a sliding upward screech the minute anyone reaches for a door, thereby recreating the atmosphere of an 80s schlock horror film. If you have spare change, employ the piccolo section as well to squeal a trill when they open a drawer (if you are out of cash then you may have to lean on the bottom 12 notes of a concert grand piano yourself when someone opens a newspaper with a large headline on it).
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 25 Mar 2011, 9:34, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Middle-aged men
Do not mistake friendliness for attraction, nor youth for beauty. In other words, don't make a twat of yourself with that young woman who smiled at you in the cafe.
(Smale is stuffed, Fri 25 Mar 2011, 7:55, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Make people think you've got a really bad telephone connection
by talking really quietly.

Extra lols for after a few attempts at getting you to speak up a bit, you suddenly roar at the top of your voice.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 16:10, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Save time and money
by waxing the dolphin.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 15:15, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Save your time shaving a mule by using a dolphin

( rofl harris, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 15:09, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Shave a mule.
It will have less resistance.
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 15:07, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Save fuel
By skipping everywhere.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 14:01, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Save fuel
By skipping gears on gear changes ie. 3rd straight to 5th instead of 3rd then 4th then 5th. Works on the way down as well: when leaving a motorway stay in high gear for as long as possible then drop straight to 3rd or even 2nd.
(Smale is stuffed, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 10:03, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Save money by going to larger chain stores instead of buying from local producers.
They have more buying power and so can drive prices right down.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 24 Mar 2011, 9:58, Reply)

meat
Shopping at Tesco? Buy your fresh meat from the butcher instead, as Tesco 'lean mince' is about as lean as whale blubber.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 23 Mar 2011, 17:14, 10 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Throwing away an old hard drive?
Stroke the exposed circuit board with a pp3 battery, and then sweep around the casing with one of those really powerful rare-earth magnets. This will prevent people from finding your bank details, old emails, plans for terrorist attacks and your collection of donkey-induced snuff movies.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 23 Mar 2011, 17:08, 12 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Express contempt for whiny victim politics
while whining about how victimised you are, by being right-wing.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 23 Mar 2011, 12:57, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Appear fashionable AND intelligent
By wearing glasses and spouting left-wing views.

Extra points for blaming ills on America, and making ill-informed comments about their not understanding irony.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 23 Mar 2011, 11:08, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Never, EVER, hang about with someone who makes over-use of the term 'y'know'
in small pauses, to gloss over not knowing the word they want to express or just at the end of every sentence regardless.

Why? Because after a few days you'll, y'know, find that you're.... y'know, doing it as well y'know?

(This also applies to the the word 'yeah?' along with rising inflection. If you catch the nasty habit it's just as difficult to ditch).
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Tue 22 Mar 2011, 22:04, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

appear more intelligent
By exhibiting left wing views.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 22 Mar 2011, 18:49, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Got sucked off by your girlfriend when you were 13?
Feel like a paedophile by remembering about it next time you're having a wank.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 22 Mar 2011, 12:39, 6 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Butter been in the fridge too long, making it unspreadable?
Simply pop it in the oven on Gas Mark 6 for a while to warm up. Hey presto! Spreadable butter!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 22 Mar 2011, 9:53, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Bought some butter?
Make sure someone doesn't put it in the fridge otherwise the next morning when making toast for your breakfast, it will be as hard as a block of cheddar and about as spreadable.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 22 Mar 2011, 8:59, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Avoid a complete mental disconnect and breakdown in the media by flooding all outlets with impressive images of warplanes, burning tanks, and soldiers looking cool and hard.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 21 Mar 2011, 12:23, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Want advice from the DVLA
On the new car you have purchased and need to get taxed but are awating the logbook, Well give up.
(Bonzodog29 is an unemployed sponge of the worst kind, Mon 21 Mar 2011, 11:30, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

have a potted cactus?
Rather than watering on a daily basis, give it seasons by soaking it for about 36 hours and then don't water it at all for 2 months. When you water it again after the dry season, it will visibly swell. Each wet season will make it grow more than just a daily watering would.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 21 Mar 2011, 8:57, 1 reply, 14 years ago)