Gin
makes ideal rohypnol for yourself.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sat 4 Jun 2011, 17:54, Reply)

ugly blokes ever wonderd how to pull a good looking girl?
simply pretend to be a special needs case that way you get a good looking young female carer to look after you and who will not complain when you accidentally feel her tits or forget to put your cock away after going to the toilet, she will be so helpful that she will with out a second thought grab your knob and try to push it back this trick could go on for several mins if you re good at it .
gota go and start dribbling now and see if she comes round to "clean" me up
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Sat 4 Jun 2011, 17:33, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

A cheese slice
Possibly somehow could make 1 ply toilet paper for a vegetarian.

Again, possibly.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sat 4 Jun 2011, 16:03, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Avoid toilet paper problems
By wiping your arse with a flannel and then rinsing it out afterwards
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sat 4 Jun 2011, 16:01, Reply)

Local shop run out of 2-ply?
Unwind two rolls of 1-ply, overlay them, and roll them back up.

This is very unlikely to line up on the perforations, so the OCD amongst you might like to spend a happy hour or two tearing off individual squares on the second roll and gluing them exactly on top of the squares of the first, before finally going over the perforations with a cocktail stick in all the places the glue shouldn't have got.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Sat 4 Jun 2011, 15:53, Reply)

Beer,
Makes an ideal hangover cure first thing in the morning.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sat 4 Jun 2011, 14:35, 6 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Avoid having the shit kicked out of you
By not robbing my house, then telling people in the pub, then staying there when we turn up.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Sat 4 Jun 2011, 11:35, Reply)

If you have 2-ply toliet paper and find that the perforations don't match up
and it bugs you so badly you feel the need to find a solution to the problem, you may want to get assessed for OCD.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Sat 4 Jun 2011, 8:17, Reply)

If you have 2-ply toilet paper
and find that the perforations don't line up, simply take the top single layer and flip it back over the top of the roll, and lo, they now match up.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Sat 4 Jun 2011, 8:16, Reply)

fool strangers into
Thinking you're a bird by shitting on their washing.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 4 Jun 2011, 2:22, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Hard working parents on minimum wage
if you get your child a £300 Barbie Magic Dream Wishing Castle with Musical Turrets (TM) and Real Running Fountain (TM) for Christmas when they are 18 months old and don't even know what the fuck is going on, then how are you going to successively top that for the next 17 christmasses without taking out a massive payday loan from EnviroQuidBorrow at 4200% (per week) every single year?
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 3 Jun 2011, 22:20, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

when whingeing pensioners complain that it was better in there day *
why not remind them about WW2 or KOREA the 6 day war etc and nod in agreement as you continue to expand on typhus rickets and many other fun and fascinating illnesses















* fuckett i will be old one day better take me out side and abuse me now before all the fun is banned
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Fri 3 Jun 2011, 18:18, Reply)

Give your children a healthy zest for life by telling them that
they could have or contract malignant, terminal cancer at any point in their lives.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 3 Jun 2011, 16:29, Reply)

Reassure friends and acquaintances who are going in for minor surgery
by recalling someone who went in for exactly the same thing only to die unexpectedly on the operating table.

(If you are a pensioner then you don't need this top tip, it's somehow built into your psyche and will manifest itself, unbidden, when you pick up your free buss pass. For these purposes extend 'friends and acquaintances' to include check-out girls, post office clerks and people you stand next to in a queue to get the bus.)
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 3 Jun 2011, 14:48, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Poncy chefs!
Potatoes make ideal "chips tartare".
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 3 Jun 2011, 14:23, Reply)

Top Tip:
Don't call your girlfriend fat.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 3 Jun 2011, 10:30, 9 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

If you've just got in to trouble with your girlfriend by calling her "fat"
Try to resist writing about it on a public Interweb forum. You might get in to a spot more trouble.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Fri 3 Jun 2011, 9:59, Reply)

Lessen People’s Joy Over A Birth of a New Son or Daughter
by reminding them that life is but an unremitting, relentless march towards death.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 3 Jun 2011, 9:25, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

If you wear a uniform to work
it's worth ringing HMRC up and quoting this: www.hmrc.gov.uk/manuals/eimanual/eim32485.htm - upkeep of uniform. Just bagged a £200 tax rebate when they recalculated my tax, so it might be worth a shot if you're feeling patient.
( Bats, Fri 3 Jun 2011, 7:30, Reply)

Lessen People’s Joy Over A Birth of a New Son or Daughter
by relating to the fact that an obscure member of your family/friend has also had a baby 'round about the same time as them...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Fri 3 Jun 2011, 1:15, Reply)

tinfoil manufacturers
break out into new markets by making a stylish range of millinery for paranoid people who fear the mind control rays from space.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 2 Jun 2011, 21:25, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

if your girlfriend asks you 'what do you think?' when trying on a new item of clothing
Do not use the term 'Mmm, nice'. Because there's a high possibility that in their ears they just heard you say 'you could do with losing a few pounds off that arse luv' and be pissed off with you all weekend. No matter what you say you think you said, and indeed even if you have a tape recording of the conversation proving it.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 2 Jun 2011, 20:18, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Replacing the vanilla flavoured liquid
In a 'Glade' plug in air freshener with poppers, makes your wife much more frisky in bed.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 19:11, Reply)

Telling your missus you were drunk, and she meant nothing
is a fool-proof excuse to sleep with someone else.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 19:09, Reply)

Get one over on muggers
By leaving a McDonalds apple pie in your pocket, therefore producing 3rd degree burns on their fingers as they try to steal your wallet.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 19:06, Reply)

A toblerone
makes an ideal toast rack for 12 people. For a short period of time.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 18:51, Reply)

Get one over on muggers
by keeping shit in your wallet.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 17:48, Reply)

Get one over on muggers AND look fashionable
by carrying around the remote for your television, instead of buying a mobile 'phone.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 17:14, Reply)

Surprise Justin Bieber fans
by telling them that he is related to this man
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Thu 2 Jun 2011, 17:06, Reply)